Teenager driving me mad - not doing chores

[tasmaniandevilchaser]

I don't often ask for DD (nearly 14) to do much around the house. I usually ask her to put her plate in the dishwasher. Sometimes she wants to buy something and she'll do some jobs for that.

Her room is a pit, I was messy as a child and nothing my parents said or did helped so I'm leaving her to it.

I pay her mobile bill and she has money for snacks at school (plus food from home for her lunchbox).

I've worked an 11 hour day, picked her up from her friend's house, picked up the car from the garage, cooked dinner and I've asked ONE thing today - to load all the stuff from dinner into the dishwasher. After an hour she hasn't done it, claiming she didn't hear me, then when I've reminded her she has moaned and heaved herself about, put 2 things in the dishwasher and then disappeared to the toilet for 15 mins.

I've done some of it and I've had to come upstairs because I'm about to become the kind of shouty mum I don't want to be.

What do your teenagers do around the house? Am I being too soft, too hard?!!

My DCs all have one daily chore each (wipe table, dishes away, vaccum one room/feed cats) though they definitely don't all manage to do it every day as clubs, work etc gets in the way.
They all put their own laundry away and iron anything they want ironing. There are extra chores they can do for extra pocket money, often these get ignored until one of the suddenly needs a few quid!
DS2 (15) cleans the bathroom and downstairs toilet once a week for £20 a month - he asked for a regular job he HAS to do, rather than the option of doing them and never getting around to it.
DS1 (16) now has a paid job and doing A-levels, so I'm a bit soft on him with his chores, but he will usually do anything I ask (but will expect paying if it's on the paid chore list, even if it's 50p!).

They all change their own bedding and tidy (or not) their own rooms.
DD (13) struggles a bit with tasks without clear directions so I often help her tidy her room by telling her exactly what to do, but I don't do it for her.

She is weeping because you've asked her to load the dishwasher and so your husband is helping her?

These are the chores DS14 has to do, in return for pocket money and his mobile phone:
makes own breakfast
puts his clothes away
empties dishwasher/clears table after dinner (takes turns of these daily with his younger brother)
does drying up when asked
helps bring food shopping in
puts bins out weekly
cleans bedroom monthly
helps in garden (sweeping leaves etc) when asked

He and his brother are also supposed to feed our 2 cats but if I left it to them my poor fur babies would starve!!

@redbigbananafeet she does have a headache which is very unusual for her, she's going to bed early, again very unusual so it's probably a culmination of everyone feeling rubbish!

@RagzRebooted DD also struggles with tidying her room, she says she doesn't know where to start. I used to write a list and she did find that useful. I just expect her to get on with it now but I could never keep my room tidy either.

@DominoBlue that sounds hard, your DC sound lovely and thoughtful. I think she just didn't have it in her today, bad combination with me feeling knackered and DH working late.

@DominoBlue I'm going to try that strategy, I think if I do one task and she does the other it will feel fairer

DSS 18 does fuck all. Hoovered maybe 6 times in his life. Drives me bloody mental.

DH doesn't expect anything from him to contribute at all. In fact he dies so much for him it's bloody embarrassing.

I’d be forgetting my purse this morning* if it’s a card system then when it needs topping up I’d let her know you’ll be behaving in the same manner she shows you….

Didn't have it in her to empty the dishwasher and you need to do one task and her do the other, she's got you dancing a merry dance hasn't she!!

MN is so weird - when your babies are young its all 'you can't leave them cry for one minute or they will have lifelong attachment problems' and then when they are teenagers, and frankly, in more of an emotional state than they were at 8 months its 'you must make them do x amount of chores and remove stuff if they don't'.

Batshittery.

@tasmaniandevilchaser Honestly, mine can still be selfish, thoughtless little oiks too! Its just trying to find what works and I hate shouting as I alway temper cry and worry afterwards I've overreacted! So, loads of praise and telling their grandmother how much they have helped within their earshot, seems to work better for me. They say "You catch more flies with honey than vinegar" I suppose. Mind, I it's still frustrating that I have to do all the praise, but for me its preferable to shouting as it takes less energy!

Feel like in the current climate I might be opening myself up to a slew of nasty comments but ho hum.

Your comments about her not knowing where to start with her room, not hearing you, weeping over this small thing. It’s all a bit reminiscent of me as a teenager, and (please don’t all grab the stones at once) I’ve got ADHD.

It’s hugely under diagnosed in women. We don’t have the same symptoms as men, and we also don’t get flagged for it because it’s traditionally a disorder of naughty boys in school who can’t sit still.

I could never keep a room tidy, I totally sympathise with not knowing where to start, it’s overwhelming. Emotional outbursts are a weekly occurrence, I’ve had a full on meltdown because my partner left crumbs on the side. It was totally unreasonable, came out of nowhere, but my fragile little brain just went “No this is the worst thing ever life isn’t worth living why would they leave crumbs on the side”

To this day, my mum can be speaking very clearly to me in plain English and I won’t hear a single word she has said. Not because I’m deaf but because my brain has literally not registered the words she is saying to me. I’ll pick up half sentences or I’ll go what and then actually parrot what she said back to her because it just took me a couple of seconds to process it.

I mean…Teenagers are all moody bastards and they have no reason for anything they ever do and we all need to impose tighter restrictions on their lives and make them submit to our will by making them miserable.

Too soft, honestly what a load of shit.

Despite being a unknowingly disabled teenager with many “attitude” problems that would make most scream “send her to military school!” I’ve got two degrees, a lovely family, and great job. I did 0 chores not that I was ever asked to, had a messy room that my mum helped me clean, and my mum paid for everything without holding it over my head as a privilege to be taken away. She is my fiercest supporter and I’d be nothing without her.

@2dogs1braincell thanks so much for your message, it is all ringing a lot of bells. She had a headache but forgot she could take painkillers for it 🤦🏻‍♀️

Thanks to everyone, it did really help to step back and get a variety of views. I was really on the boil and posting here meant I didn't scream at her, which really wouldn't have helped either of us. She really wasn't herself, she never gets headaches.

Can attest to this, I always ring my mum to whinge when I feel rubbish and the first thing she says is remember paracetamol exists hahaha

@2dogs1braincell
I came here to mention this. I have a DD13 who (on the outside!) looks horrifically lazy too.

However, as you have mentioned - we're querying the adhd thing for the exact reasons you've mentioned, plus the things op raised. DH has ADHD and they're like 2 peas in a pod.

DD CANNOT keep her room clean as she goes. It's impossible. Losing everything, zero organisation, the emotional meltdowns, the feeling of overwhelm over the most simple tasks - this is just scratching the surface of the behaviour we have. It's exhausting.

There's a lot of issues we've got at the moment which make me think of neurodiversity for DD, but I don't really see much in her early history (apart from never sleeping 😱) she's very motivated to do her school work, I've never had to hassle her. I suppose that's why school have never brought it up.

Honestly, I didn’t even think about it until social media started putting ADHD content under my nose and I started thinking “Holy shit that makes a lot of sense” or “Oh I’m not lazy, my brain is just wired differently”

Huge advocate for exploring it, the media currently want to demonise the “over diagnosis” of ADHD. It’s just that the information and research is now available and accessible. I’m sure some people would say 100 years ago cancer wasn’t as prevalent, it’s just that we now know what it is!

The best resource I can recommend is the charity ADHDAdultUk. Don’t be put off by the adult part though, a lot if not all of the resources and advice can apply to teens in terms of getting a diagnosis, or even just a bit more information on the topic. They also have lots of information on the various schemes like right to choose to receive a diagnosis faster and help with work/school/benefits.

Biggest game changer for me was diagnosis, because I could then implement strategies to help. Medication was just the icing on the cake!

Single parent working full time, my 10 yo will do anything I ask, he may not do it well, but I run a home and work full time and can't do everything without running myself into the ground, I often ask him to take out the recycling, and put his clean laundry away, he's expected to tidy his room, not clean it (I do that) plates in the kitchen, he sets out his uniform for the next day, and will feed the cat.

It's not tied to pocket money or anything else as such but that he's old enough to contribute to keeping up the general running of our home.

I don't feel that I should pay him for these chores but it's just part of family life. I'm not the maid!!