Tesla. Owned by middleaged men in IT who identified with Marty McFly and still make comments about what would happen if they reached 88 miles per hour, but wouldn't dream of doing it.
Honda. Owned by middleaged network managers who just about manage to get to work 5 minutes late and sneak in through the back door carrying an empty toner box in case the boss sees them.
Alfa Romeo. Red. Owned by consultant plastic surgeons and C-suite women, recently divorced.
Mercs. Owned by people who want the world to know that they've made it. Thames barge sized ones, usually navy blue, by those with 4 children. The little ones that look top heavy, usually grey, owned by accountants with 2 small children.
Audi. Either insufficient money or insufficient children to warrant a Merc. Probably got a list of sales targets in the quilted laptop pouch on the passenger seat. The largest dark blue ones are owned by the CEO and CFO of the MAT that's just taken you over.
BMW. Twat. Probably that member of SLT who manages to never actually be caught doing some work.
Range Rover Evoque. Somebody who wants to be seen as edgy, a bit hard or is a five foot nothing, seven stone blonde whose husband didn't want her to get bullied when turning right into the carpark and dropping the kids off at football practice.
VW. If a splitty camper van, a married knob who thinks this is his identity. Still wishes he could spend another summer like the one he did on his gap year. If a Golf-type, it's the car the wife got when she complained that the other car was completely impractical for three kids and two labradors. If Passat type, a crunchie or godly mum with an ever increasing number of toddlers happily spreading measles around the area and carrying various instruments for worship practice. Never accept a lift unless you're prepared to remove fifteen books (five of which are bibles), two sweaters, one book bag and an inexplicable length of 2x4 from the passenger seat first.
Fiat 500s. Little old ladies enjoying their freedom, especially when obtained through Motorbility leasing. Frequently seen with eyelashes around the headlights. Probably had a Mini Cooper back in the day. Keep your distance, as they haven't told the optician that other people's cars just keep leaping out in front of them (stationary at the traffic lights) and the last time they saw a speed limit sign was sometime around 1997.
Honda Jazz. Little old men with Motorbility leases or youngsters on their first car where Mum and Dad agreed to buy one but refused to get something they might want to get themselves into trouble with.
Suzuki. Motorbility (Ignis) couple or just passed their test. Vitara. Bought by somebody who wanted a 4x4 but scared of being seen as a bit hard or subjected to a carjacking at the petrol station.
Toyota. What the Network Manager owned before he was made Manager. If 4x4 with pick up back, it's being driven to the nearest woodland with a bunch of volunteers in there to chop back feral laurel and Rhododendrons or the sound of clanking spanners and smell of sheep dip in the back is exactly that. If a Yaris and something hidous like burnt orange, it's the cheapest option on Motorbility.
Subaru. Absolute fucking knob who thinks that Fast and Furious movies are a legitimate lifestyle choice and, anyway, it's easy to drive like that and they could if they really wanted to, every Friday night in B&Q's carpark. Or a farmer who isn't doing too bad in the great scheme of things.
Volvo. Does not give a fuck. They want it to go three times around the sun and back, their children and dogs to be secure in their wheeled impregnable fortress, tow a caravan/horsebox larger than the footprint of a victorian terrace and be able to get out of the mud to go home after they've spent half term at their holiday home in the pissing rain.