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Original poster

WWYD - work/money/time with lo.

48 replies

FTMFML · 19/02/2023 17:52

I work full time 12 hour shifts often all in a row 3 or 4. I don't see LO(1) for those days at all, I'm out the house by 7am and not in till 9pm, GP take her overnight if OH working.

I have found this much harder than I expected. She drives me to the brink of insanity when I have a full day with her but when I don't see her for days on end I do miss her terribly and the day after she clings to me (apparently looks for me/shouts for me when I am gone for a couple of days) which I feel is understandable given that she won't grasp I am at work, I just seem to disappear for a half the week?

If you could afford to would you drop your hours? With the intention to go back once LO at school.
It would affect my pension and we would need to keep a tighter budget on luxuries like eating out/days out.

OP posts:
MelaniesFlowers · 19/02/2023 17:54

Well I had children because I wanted to spend time with them and look after them, not spend several days a week away from them.

So I absolutely wouldn’t continue with this set up, but equally I wouldn’t have started it in the first place.

Think of all the things you’re missing out on in your child’s life. You will never get that back.

Motheranddaughter · 19/02/2023 17:59

That does sound hard,and I have always worked

Can you reduce your hours
I would think long and hard before giving up my job

Coffeellama · 19/02/2023 18:03

I’d reduce the hours if you don’t see her at all for 3 or 4 days a week, im not sure if restart it once she started back at school either unless youl see her for a few hours a day. You won’t ever get this time back with her, not being part of her daily routine is a huge sacrifice for not a lot of gain.

VladmirsPoutine · 19/02/2023 18:03

If dropping your hours means skipping out on things like eating out then do so; not if it's the difference between a roof over your heads. It does sound like it's feasible for you to drop them with a view to increasing them as she grows. The part about her thinking you've vanished and calls out for you because she's too young to understand you've gone to work is particularly sad OP.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/02/2023 18:04

Is there no way of spreading full time hours across more days of the week?

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 19/02/2023 18:05

Is there any option at all to break up your shifts into 2 blocks of 2? Or to shift your hours so that you see your DC for an hour or two on some end of the day?

I have a very demanding job and work 50-70 hours per week. I’ve noticed the same thing as you - if my DCs don’t see me for 4 days, they get upset. However, if I can swing it to see them every 2-3 days (plus I’m very predictably home every weekend for two full days), then they’re very ok with it.

Personally, I wouldn’t go part time at this stage. A one-year-old needs loving and consistent caregivers, and I think a decent routine with two parents + involved grandparents is a really great set up, especially if you can tweak things to be with your DC a bit more consistently. Your baby will get used to you working.

I am however thinking about going part time in the later primary + teenage years. A number of friends have told me that the teen years are when parenting becomes less of a science, more of an art. The kids need you for fewer things, but when they do need you it’s more important and emotionally more intense. It can be more helpful to just “be around” for them to be able to come to you when they want to in the later years - more so than in the early years when anyone can change a nappy or go out to the park. I’m hoping that by the teen years, we’ll have paid off the mortgage. We won’t have childcare fees (though there will be activities, and with two teen boys I fully expect a giant chunk of my salary will be spent on snacks!), so going part time should be more feasible. I wonder if the same could work for you.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/02/2023 18:07

What hours does your OH do?

Pinkfrogs45 · 19/02/2023 18:08

I have dropped to part time hours, my theory is none one their death bed ever said I wish I had worked more. It’s always i wish i had spent more time with family / friends / travelled. Kids don’t care about eating out my prefer a picnic in the park even when cold

misssunshine4040 · 19/02/2023 18:10

MelaniesFlowers · 19/02/2023 17:54

Well I had children because I wanted to spend time with them and look after them, not spend several days a week away from them.

So I absolutely wouldn’t continue with this set up, but equally I wouldn’t have started it in the first place.

Think of all the things you’re missing out on in your child’s life. You will never get that back.

What a judgemental ignorant comment.
You do realise that some jobs demand these shift patterns and flexibility is not really an option.
Maybe the OP has no choice to reduce her hours or retrain to a profession that has different shift patterns.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/02/2023 18:11

MelaniesFlowers · 19/02/2023 17:54

Well I had children because I wanted to spend time with them and look after them, not spend several days a week away from them.

So I absolutely wouldn’t continue with this set up, but equally I wouldn’t have started it in the first place.

Think of all the things you’re missing out on in your child’s life. You will never get that back.

Did their dad drop his hours too?

Keepitrealnomists · 19/02/2023 18:13

MelaniesFlowers · 19/02/2023 17:54

Well I had children because I wanted to spend time with them and look after them, not spend several days a week away from them.

So I absolutely wouldn’t continue with this set up, but equally I wouldn’t have started it in the first place.

Think of all the things you’re missing out on in your child’s life. You will never get that back.

Vile thing to say!

MelaniesFlowers · 19/02/2023 18:17

Keepitrealnomists · 19/02/2023 18:13

Vile thing to say!

Show quote history

It’s true. If she isn’t seeing her 1 year old for several days each week she is missing out on a heck of a lot. And she can never get that back.

You can’t pretend otherwise just because it hurts to realise that.

MelaniesFlowers · 19/02/2023 18:17

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/02/2023 18:11

Did their dad drop his hours too?

Show quote history

Is their dad quite literally not seeing their child for days on end every week?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/02/2023 18:18

MelaniesFlowers · 19/02/2023 18:17

Is their dad quite literally not seeing their child for days on end every week?

Show quote history

I'm asking you about your children's dad.

You reduced your hours. Did your dcs dad too?

MelaniesFlowers · 19/02/2023 18:27

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/02/2023 18:18

I'm asking you about your children's dad.

You reduced your hours. Did your dcs dad too?

Show quote history

No, of course he didn’t. Why would he? Confused

There is a very big biological difference between parents. As equal as you can be in parenting tasks, you cannot be equal in terms of biology.

Mums and babies have a biological need for each other. I grew my children in me. Fathers can take on all the parenting duties they want but they can never be equal in that regard.

So of course DH didn’t reduce his hours. We need someone to provide for the family and that is his role.

On saying that though, I wouldn’t have a DH who literally never saw the kids for days on end. He’s a very equal parent in terms of parenting duties. He just doesn’t have the biological pull.

tryihd · 19/02/2023 18:34

Is there scope to reduce your hours so you can still see your child before bedtime? My children are a bit older than yours, 7, 5 & 2. I reduced my working hours to 10 am - 4 pm so I can see them more.

Coffeellama · 19/02/2023 18:36

MelaniesFlowers · 19/02/2023 18:27

No, of course he didn’t. Why would he? Confused

There is a very big biological difference between parents. As equal as you can be in parenting tasks, you cannot be equal in terms of biology.

Mums and babies have a biological need for each other. I grew my children in me. Fathers can take on all the parenting duties they want but they can never be equal in that regard.

So of course DH didn’t reduce his hours. We need someone to provide for the family and that is his role.

On saying that though, I wouldn’t have a DH who literally never saw the kids for days on end. He’s a very equal parent in terms of parenting duties. He just doesn’t have the biological pull.

Show quote history

What an ignorant comment.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/02/2023 18:41

MelaniesFlowers · 19/02/2023 18:27

No, of course he didn’t. Why would he? Confused

There is a very big biological difference between parents. As equal as you can be in parenting tasks, you cannot be equal in terms of biology.

Mums and babies have a biological need for each other. I grew my children in me. Fathers can take on all the parenting duties they want but they can never be equal in that regard.

So of course DH didn’t reduce his hours. We need someone to provide for the family and that is his role.

On saying that though, I wouldn’t have a DH who literally never saw the kids for days on end. He’s a very equal parent in terms of parenting duties. He just doesn’t have the biological pull.

Show quote history

Ahhhhhhh. Welcome to the 21st century Grin

Dacadactyl · 19/02/2023 18:42

MelaniesFlowers · 19/02/2023 17:54

Well I had children because I wanted to spend time with them and look after them, not spend several days a week away from them.

So I absolutely wouldn’t continue with this set up, but equally I wouldn’t have started it in the first place.

Think of all the things you’re missing out on in your child’s life. You will never get that back.

This.

SaltedChoco · 19/02/2023 18:44

@MelaniesFlowers your posts are ignorant, rude and outdated. Do go away.

OP, I think you have a tough choice as you clearly like/want your job, but don't want to miss out. I have worked full time throughout my sons life since he turned 1 and I do feel I have missed a lot, if I could go back and work less hours I would. However I feel my work is an essential role for society as well as being good for my mental health, so I wouldn't have quit entirely, just reduced hours.

If you'll only miss out on luxuries, not essentials, then yes I'd quit/work less hours.

MelaniesFlowers · 19/02/2023 19:50

@SaltedChoco Unfortunately in life you can’t just shut people up when you don’t like what they’ve got to say.

Headabovetheparakeet · 19/02/2023 19:50

If you could cut back in hours and still cover outgoings then I would do that as it sounds like both you and the baby are unhappy.

FredPolice · 19/02/2023 19:58

Poor little girl.

Assuming you can cover the necessities, I would prioritise spending time with her over everything else. Eating out and paid-for days out are no substitute at all for spending time with our child. When my DC were little, I didn't eat out or take them for expensive days out - we went for walks, to the park, to toddler group, the library etc. We took a sandwich with us if we were going to be out at lunchtime. Ordinary time spent with young children is far more important than eating out.

FWIW, the more time you spend with small children, the easier it is. My ex husband found it far harder to be with the children than I did, because he was at work so much so wasn't used to the rhythm of it.

What would you do if the grandparents couldn't or wouldn't step in? My DC's grandparents were 200 and 10,000 miles away.

Cleothecat75 · 19/02/2023 20:02

Go part time. Honestly, if all you are missing out on will be eating out and days out and other luxuries, it wouldn’t take me long to consider. If you can still afford your mortgage, bills and other necessities, drop your hours. As others have said, you don’t get this time back. You can top your pension up in 15 years time when your dc are grown.

15feb · 19/02/2023 20:07

MelaniesFlowers · 19/02/2023 18:27

No, of course he didn’t. Why would he? Confused

There is a very big biological difference between parents. As equal as you can be in parenting tasks, you cannot be equal in terms of biology.

Mums and babies have a biological need for each other. I grew my children in me. Fathers can take on all the parenting duties they want but they can never be equal in that regard.

So of course DH didn’t reduce his hours. We need someone to provide for the family and that is his role.

On saying that though, I wouldn’t have a DH who literally never saw the kids for days on end. He’s a very equal parent in terms of parenting duties. He just doesn’t have the biological pull.

Show quote history

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

My grandmother used to say exactly this. Are you of that generation, OP?