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Original poster

Can ex stop me sending DD to this club?

39 replies

BrowniesActivityDay · 18/02/2023 18:45

DD is 8.

She does Brownies in term time and during the holidays they occasionally have activity days for all the local girlguides, they’re not compulsory so it doesn’t affect DDs Brownie place if she goes or not.

Shes been to a few and loved them. They’re cheap (about £10 for the day compared to £25 for holiday club) and it usually covers enough of the day for me to be able to work. It also includes a picnic style lunch which we just have to donate an item for (we’re told what to bring again this is optional and I can just send a packed lunch instead).

Contact is court ordered for EOWend for 1 night, and 1 night per week for tea apart from in holidays where it switches to full day on that day (so from 9am).
Except ExH has never had DD in the week, since just after the order was made. He declared that he couldn’t be bothered and has left it all to me. He still though dictates what happens that day. He asks DD what childcare I’m using and if he’s not happy he lets me know via text.

The next activity day falls on ExHs weekday. I want to send DD but I know ExH will have a problem with it as he pulled faces and told me he didn’t like the idea when I signed her up to girlguides (she did Rainbows for a year before Brownies).

Can ExH actually stop me sending DD to these things on “his” day? He won’t actually have her so I have to arrange childcare either way, but can he dictate what that childcare is?

Obviously she still has a place at my usual childcare/holiday club as these activity days are by no means regular or predictable with days - for example the last one was on a Saturday (fell on ExHs weekend so I didn't even attempt to send DD), the one before that was on a Monday (I wasn't working but sent DD anyway as she wanted to go).

OP posts:
ladymacbeth · 18/02/2023 18:47

He has no say on what she does on that day if she's with you. None. (Baring anything illegal or dangerous etc which he'd have to go to court over)

You owe him no updates, info or rule abiding.

But I suppose the question is, would knowing she is doing it or knowing you're defying him make him start taking her on that day to spite you?

martha4clark · 18/02/2023 18:55

What a cheek he has. Don't even tell him what she's doing.

Ladyofthesea · 18/02/2023 18:56

How long has this been going on? Since he doesn't have her I'd go back to court, explain that he never sees her on that day but is trying to control what you decide on that day so you'd like that day to be removed as contact day. It will only work if this has been going on for years though, not mere months.

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Original poster
BrowniesActivityDay · 18/02/2023 18:57

martha4clark · 18/02/2023 18:55

What a cheek he has. Don't even tell him what she's doing.

@martha4clark I don't tell him anything but DD will, and I won't ask her to lie

OP posts:
Original poster
BrowniesActivityDay · 18/02/2023 18:59

Ladyofthesea · 18/02/2023 18:56

How long has this been going on? Since he doesn't have her I'd go back to court, explain that he never sees her on that day but is trying to control what you decide on that day so you'd like that day to be removed as contact day. It will only work if this has been going on for years though, not mere months.

@Ladyofthesea Order was made in 2018, he's not had her in the week since the order was made, he did while the courts where involved but as soon as the order was stamped by the judge basically he said "I won't be having her" and has never bothered at all, I used to always offer that day but now don't even do that as he always says no.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 18/02/2023 19:01

BrowniesActivityDay · 18/02/2023 18:57

@martha4clark I don't tell him anything but DD will, and I won't ask her to lie

Show quote history

She can tell him after?

If he has an issue tell him he can pick her up at x time or she will be going to the activity by y

Cocobutt · 18/02/2023 19:09

Don’t tell him and if he asks tell him it’s none of his business.

What I would be doing is texting him the day before each time and asking if he’s having her tomorrow as it’s officially his court ordered contact day and he’s not bothered once since 2018.

I’d do this for a few weeks so you have proof and then ask the courts to remove that day from his contact days.

Keep all texts and emails.

MyriadOfTravels · 18/02/2023 19:09

For me tje iggest issue is yur dd being cauht in the middle.

You sending he those days out she loves and him pulling faces and I imagine telling her its awful and you disregarded his views on what she should or shouldnt do.

Youll need to be careful around that and have a clear explanation for your dd on why it's ok for you to ignopre him iyswim.

Having said that, i cant see why he would have a say when he cant be bothered to follow the court order anyway....

wildseas · 18/02/2023 19:10

How clued up on days/dates/organisation is your dd?

The ideal solution here would be to not tell her until the morning of the day that she is going. That way she doesn't have to lie to her dad, but also he doesn't know in advance.

If that isn't feasible then I'd just reply to his texts/emails with "you're welcome to organise alternative childcare but that would be at your cost"

itsgettingweird · 18/02/2023 19:11

Does he also pay for that days care as it's his court ordered day and he should be providing for her?

Because I'd also want that proof in any texts.

X is your court ordered day. Are you collecting dd at 9am or shall I drop her to you or elsewhere? Let me know what you e arranged and if you need my help in facilitating it.

You can always add. Dd can attend holiday club for £x or brownie day for £x if this helps?

Then get it removed from court order once you have evidence.

RosaBonheur · 18/02/2023 19:11

The only way he can stop her from doing a particular activity on "his" contact day is by actually having her himself on that day.

He needs to decide whether actually having to do some parenting is a price worth paying for pissing you off.

You owe him absolutely nothing beyond making her available for his contact on that day.

Original poster
BrowniesActivityDay · 18/02/2023 19:16

itsgettingweird · 18/02/2023 19:11

Does he also pay for that days care as it's his court ordered day and he should be providing for her?

Because I'd also want that proof in any texts.

X is your court ordered day. Are you collecting dd at 9am or shall I drop her to you or elsewhere? Let me know what you e arranged and if you need my help in facilitating it.

You can always add. Dd can attend holiday club for £x or brownie day for £x if this helps?

Then get it removed from court order once you have evidence.

@itsgettingweird He doesn't even pay maintenace so getting childcare money out of him will be impossible.

I've been to the CMS about the maintenance but they can't find an income for him either benefits or wages, so the chances are slim.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrowniesActivityDay · 18/02/2023 19:17

RosaBonheur · 18/02/2023 19:11

The only way he can stop her from doing a particular activity on "his" contact day is by actually having her himself on that day.

He needs to decide whether actually having to do some parenting is a price worth paying for pissing you off.

You owe him absolutely nothing beyond making her available for his contact on that day.

@RosaBonheur And if he told me he wanted her I'd say "She's at X with Brownies, you're welcome to pick her up" and I always tell Brownies/Holiday Club/Wrap Around that he may turn up and to let him take her if he does.

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 18/02/2023 19:21

I wouldn’t tell her she is going or what holiday care and then when he asks, she won’t know. If/when he asks you, you can reply that you have no idea as it’s his day so he will be looking after her and you will see her the following day. Then send her to Brownies.

MissingMoominMamma · 18/02/2023 19:22

He has no say whatsoever. He doesn’t have her on that day and doesn’t pay any money.

Ignore him and don’t make it into a thing with DD either.

If he makes her feel uncomfortable about it, suggest to him that he either has her that day, or pays the £25. That should shut the fucker up.

MajesticWhine · 18/02/2023 19:23

What an absolute fucking joke of a parent. These threads make me so angry. Refusing to care for or contribute for his child but thinking he has a say over her leisure time. No he cannot control what you or DD do, outrageous piece of shit he is.

colasoca · 18/02/2023 19:26

What's his issue with this club out of interest? Sounds like he's BU but just wondered?

AdoraBell · 18/02/2023 19:27

Do what Cocobutt suggested. Alternatively tell him she’s travelling to Mars/Mount Everest/something equally outrageous and ridiculous.

Imogensmumma · 18/02/2023 19:29

itsgettingweird · 18/02/2023 19:11

Does he also pay for that days care as it's his court ordered day and he should be providing for her?

Because I'd also want that proof in any texts.

X is your court ordered day. Are you collecting dd at 9am or shall I drop her to you or elsewhere? Let me know what you e arranged and if you need my help in facilitating it.

You can always add. Dd can attend holiday club for £x or brownie day for £x if this helps?

Then get it removed from court order once you have evidence.

This is brilliant

Original poster
BrowniesActivityDay · 18/02/2023 19:31

colasoca · 18/02/2023 19:26

What's his issue with this club out of interest? Sounds like he's BU but just wondered?

@colasoca Brownies itself is on one of my nights and Rainbows before that fell on a different night that was "mine" so he technically has no say I just let him know because the district commisoner asked for the contact details for all who hold PR.

It's just holiday childcare he has a problem with, and I assume any weekend camps too but they've so far fallen on my weekends so not an issue to tackle yet.

Honestly I think he likes to think he has a say in my life that he doesn't. I was just checking where I stand legally if I send DD to this day and he has an issue with it.

I won't be going back to court, I can't afford it for a start I'm still paying for the original CAO as it cost me nearly £15k.

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 18/02/2023 19:34

Well if he isn't working according to CMS then you could even go as far as

"I'll drop dd to you at 9am on court ordered day." Then if he says he can't have her you can ask why?

Be interesting to say what he's doing that more important than court ordered contact when apparently he doesn't have a job so can't pay CM.

It's all evidence for court.

Original poster
BrowniesActivityDay · 18/02/2023 19:36

itsgettingweird · 18/02/2023 19:34

Well if he isn't working according to CMS then you could even go as far as

"I'll drop dd to you at 9am on court ordered day." Then if he says he can't have her you can ask why?

Be interesting to say what he's doing that more important than court ordered contact when apparently he doesn't have a job so can't pay CM.

It's all evidence for court.

@itsgettingweird I know full well he's working, but he works in his parents/grandparents business so I'm 99% sure he's down as a volunteer and lives out of their bank accounts and nothing ever goes into his.

OP posts:
Blablablablaba · 18/02/2023 19:44

Omfg what an absolute arsehole and a cheeky git! Ofcourse he can't stop u, ur willing for him to take her (as per the order) he won't, so ur making alternative arrangements.

If he txts u, u simply say, if u don't like it then stop being a lazy arse and u can take her instead!

JimnJoyce · 18/02/2023 19:56

no he has no say at all he's obviously just trying to control you. If he texts and says he's not happy i'd honestly ignore it. Plus its fine if DD tells him. I can understand not going back to court as its so expensive. Maybe get the solicitor you used to send him a letter saying he is in breach of the CAO therefore that day is not his business. Much cheaper.

itsgettingweird · 18/02/2023 20:03

Well if nothing else it's very obvious why you left him 🤣

But seriously though - well done you for rising above it and always putting your DD first and not getting dragged into his stupid mind games of control.