How do we make friends as adults?

[Mieran]

I’m 30 and completely friendless. I used to have lots of friends but after some bad relationships, moving across the country, a few years of severe postnatal anxiety and Covid I’m now very isolated.

I’ve got some mobility problems so WFH, but I drive and can get out and about a few times a week with no issues. I’ve tried a few different clubs and groups locally but didn’t find anyone that I really related to, I’m happy to try again but I doubt I’ll find a group of friends or a really close friend at local meet-ups.

I just want people to go to the pub with, come to my house for movie nights or dinner parties, even just people to go on play dates with my 4yo. I’m proactive and willing to give anything a go, please help!

Other mums.
Mums from school/nursery.
Mums from swimming lessons.

Neighbours?

I’ve seen people suggest Peanut on similar threads - have you tried that?

Be brave and invite people. Don’t wait for them to invite you.

Maybe try and arrange a few play dates for your child, as the parents (usual mums) will join in.

Otherwise local clubs - book clubs, running, knitting etc.

I’m also guessing your child will start school in September, so that might be another opportunity.

I'm kind of in the same boat with the friends problem. I don't have kids and as a gay woman find it difficult to make friends with other women. I look straight and am feminine but as soon as they find out I'm gay I notice they seem to pull away a bit. Also I don't fit into the mums club either with no kids so I've always felt a bit isolated.
I had friends when I was younger, or so I thought at the time but I was basically getting used for free drinks thinking back, as I was an absolute mug and ended up paying for everything. I'm so wary of people now but still hoping to find a good friend, someone to have a laugh with, do things with and share problems.

I’ve spoken to a few of the mums at school and a few neighbours but haven’t really clicked with any of them as yet. I hate small talk which doesn’t help, I prefer in depth intelligent conversations and quirky people. Most people I’m coming across are more into gossiping and general small talk. There’s nothing wrong with that of course, I just have no idea where to find the other type of people!

Don’t suppose you’re anywhere near Manchester?😄

I think you just have to keep picking yourself up and getting back out there. I prefer people who have a bit of depth too but to achieve that you have to put the time in and build trust with people - small talk actually serves a really important purpose of working out whether the other person is emotionally safe to share with and whether you’re on the same wavelength. Once you understand that purpose it becomes a lot easier and even desirable to indulge in small talk before you get to sharing deeper stuff.

@Mieran I'm in Liverpool 🙂

Thing is, you can't launch straight into in-depth conversations necessarily, I think friends take years to develop. If you are interested in specific topics, then online groups or Pint of Science in person are good, or talks put on at universities for the general public (e.g. the Philosophy dep't). Or arts and crafts community. If that's not what you mean, and what you mean is to talk about emotional things in more depth, I do think it takes a while to get that type of conversation going. Perhaps don't write people off as only interested in small talk if there might be a bit more depth if you kept going. Or perhaps take a Masters part-time at a local uni and find people with a similar mind-set (bit drastic!)

The town I’m in actually has a reputation for the people being thick, uneducated, ‘common’, low employment rates etc so I sometimes wonder if it’s that, but then generalising an entire town like that seems completely ridiculous.

I’ve tried really hard with peanut but not had much luck with it so far. I’m due to go on a couple of nights out with some strangers over the next month or so but I have no idea how that will go, most of them seem very busy with their own lives!

I would join in the slightly alternative community then in either that town or other bigger cities, so arty people, join in a pottery class, art classes, yoga, anything to bring you into contact with a more diverse group. I did struggle to make friends when I moved to a rather insular town and have had no problems in the city in which I currently live, so where you live does make a difference sometimes, I think.

What’s pint of science? I don’t know a whole lot about science but you’re right in that it will probably fill that need for intellectual chat. I’ve honestly considered going to Uni just to meet people but I’m worried they’ll all be 18😬

Just speak up. Be yourself. Be intelligent. Comment oninteresting things, at the school gates, on playdates, in PTA meetings etc. Most people will back off but a few will think, 'At last!' because they are on your wavelength.

Most of my local friends are through a group I set up which sort of self filtered so only people who engage with the world joined it.

I made friends through my interests:

Volunteering at Beavers

by joining and being actively involved in a political party.

Wish I knew! Going to try and throw myself into it a little this year. Have had great friend groups over the years but right now it's pretty barren and it sucks. I've been a little more outgoing lately and gotten to know more people but nobody I properly click with.

@BlueBellEF I pm’d you.

@WinterFoxes thats a really good point actually, there might be others around keeping quiet about their quirkyness because they’re also just being polite and fitting in.

@Highdaysandholidays1 thanks, I’ll be using a lot of those tips. I’m close enough to Manchester not go once or twice a week so I’ll try that, it’s a very lively city. I’d LOVE to move back there but I’m always worried that cities aren’t great for young kids, definitely something to think about.

I see threads about it so so often, I always wonder where we’re all hiding in real life. Good luck!

Unless you meet people through work / hobby I think most friendships start with small talk and then progress.
My good friends are a combo of work / school friendships that have lasted .

pintofscience.co.uk/

Small talk is usually the way friendships start though...

I hate small talk which doesn’t help, I prefer in depth intelligent conversations and quirky people. Most people I’m coming across are more into gossiping and general small talk.

There's your issue.
When you first meet people, we all start off politely, with general chit chat.
"In depth, intelligent conversations" are not how friendships start - they come once you've got to know people, and feel some of those people are more on your wavelength.

@Starseeed that's really good advice to the OP 💐

I feel like there needs to be context, frequency, familiarity. Someone said that where you live helps a lot. Assuming it's friends offline, I find that you slowly get to know people on your commute to work, places you frequent, even the area where you live may help or hinder.