How do we make friends as adults?

[Mieran]

I’m 30 and completely friendless. I used to have lots of friends but after some bad relationships, moving across the country, a few years of severe postnatal anxiety and Covid I’m now very isolated.

I’ve got some mobility problems so WFH, but I drive and can get out and about a few times a week with no issues. I’ve tried a few different clubs and groups locally but didn’t find anyone that I really related to, I’m happy to try again but I doubt I’ll find a group of friends or a really close friend at local meet-ups.

I just want people to go to the pub with, come to my house for movie nights or dinner parties, even just people to go on play dates with my 4yo. I’m proactive and willing to give anything a go, please help!

That said, I had bad luck with Meetup 😅

I learned it's better to try and put time and effort when meeting new people rather than jumping right in and seeing if it works. No foundation?

I feel this! Could have written this a couple of years ago.

People will say ‘join a choir’ etc but I’m actually in a choir and you just show up, sing, small talk perhaps before things get going, and then leave. Not pub friends, not initially anyway. I’m MUCH better 1:1 as feel I can actually get a word in. Went for dinner 1:1 with a new friend last night and it was lovely! We made friends on the school run.

All my other local friends (3 main good friends) are from baby groups 7 years ago.

Other than that it’s small talk with school mums, choir people, and volunteering people. That keeps me from going crazy day to day generally.

Also yeah it’s really common and a really tricky age to make friends. DH really struggles with it. You have to be tenacious but not annoying. Always up for going out when the opportunity arises, suggesting getting a drink etc without being overbearing. It’s a hard age because people are busy with work and kids generally so everyone has socialising low down the priorities list, and then when the opportunity comes up, schedules don’t sync.

@Paturday great post

"Other than that it’s small talk with school mums, choir people, and volunteering people. That keeps me from going crazy day to day generally."

Same, I suppose one can't go wrong with not going crazy. At least you're trying and not giving up.

People do show up, do their thing and then return. So business like😮

You need to just brace it through the small talk.

Are you a single mum?

If so there will be plenty of other single mums who want play dates /shared babysitting.

If you are single and all the other mums are coupled they will probably be family focussed and won't give much attention to friendships.

Go to uni- lots of mature students these days esp on certain courses.

I go for the machine gun approach to making friends, messaged over 100 people on peanut, ended up with 6 really lovely friends.
I'm the weirdo who at end of toddler group asks if anyone fancies going for a cup of tea.
I think you have to put yourself a lot more and accept a 5% success rate. Also it takes time to go from acquaintance to friend and unfortunately small talk is how you get there.