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Original poster

If you decided on “one and done” did you regret it later?

46 replies

Embelline · 18/02/2023 15:49

I’m at a point where I feel like I need to decide.
i have one DS who I absolutely adore, and always always planned to have two. Pregnancy was difficult for me, it was difficult to have DS and we had many false starts.
I planned to have a two year age gap originally but didn’t feel ready.

now I think I’m one and done but recently, after deciding this, I keep having moments where I have a pang of loss or regret. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve made the decision or because I am doubting my decision.

I’m 39 and always said I wanted to have had all my babies by 40 but now I just don’t know…

I was wondering if people did regret it or were really happy with their decision if it’s not too personal a question?

OP posts:
HotToddyColdSauvignon · 18/02/2023 15:53

We are one and done. Well, I am; I just need to have a conversation with DH…..

same as you OP, I’m 40 this year, it took us a while to conceive DS, who is 1, and I wanted to have two..

But I don’t want to run the risk of anything going wrong. I’ve seen so many friends recently have heartbreaking miscarriages, or issues at birth, and we got through it all relatively easily. If anything went wrong, that would take away from the perfect life I feel we can offer DS right now. I’m not prepared to risk it.

but yes, I do feel the pangs. I just have to keep reminding myself why I’ve made this decision.

now to tell DH…

AmberGer · 18/02/2023 15:54

Before dc I always wanted 2 or 3. Then after ds1 was born I was done. Didn't want anymore. Was content with one. Several years later dh told me he really wanted another child. He talked me round and we had ds2.
Don't regret it for a second but I think I would have ended up regretting staying at 1.

Original poster
Embelline · 18/02/2023 16:10

@HotToddyColdSauvignon hope it goes well with DH! I worry about those things too, we had a late ish loss and I just know I couldn’t cope with that again, it’s left me with quite poor mental health.

@AmberGer thats really interesting - so when he talked you round did you feel enthused by the idea?

OP posts:

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Todaynotalways · 18/02/2023 16:14

I had DD at 37, I'm now 44.

I don't regret it for a moment.

Todaynotalways · 18/02/2023 16:14

As in, I don't regret DD being an only child.

OF COURSE I don't regret DD 😍

ParanoidJo · 18/02/2023 16:17

I love the closeness I have with my only child. But being an only child myself, it just felt natural to have one. Life feels relaxed with plenty of time for conversation.

applecharlotte12 · 18/02/2023 16:18

Not a moment of regret - DS is now 12.

2reefsin30knots · 18/02/2023 16:20

My 'one and done' is 12 now and I've never regretted it. However, I've only ever imagined having one. DH and I have been together since we were 19 (45 now) and from the very beginning we said if we had children it would just be one, so it's not something we have 'come to terms with'. It's worked out well and we are all happy.

DS has never asked for a sibling and we've been able to give him a lifestyle we couldn't possibly have given two.

Beezknees · 18/02/2023 16:21

Nope, never regretted it. My only child is 15 now.

AnneElliott · 18/02/2023 16:21

I had DS at 27 and I'm now 44. No regrets at all. I couldn't have gone back to my career with 2 kids and it was so much easier just focusing on the one rather than compromising with other kids of different ages.

PinkGrapefruitSorbet · 18/02/2023 16:22

No regrets here, and DS is nearly 14. He has no local cousins either, but several close friends who are all only children as well. Our family life is really chilled and DS is able to do some very time consuming hobbies that might be a challenge if there were more people to consider. He's never wished for a sibling, and is a confident boy with close friends. Very happy with our decision to stick at one.

CharlotteDoyle · 18/02/2023 16:25

No regrets here either! Just hoping we survive the teen years..!

Ridingfree · 18/02/2023 16:33

Took me a while to come around to it - for various reasons we stuck at one but had always assumed we would have 2. Now DD6 is past the baby stage we have such lovely time and days out so I feel content now knowing I can focus on her. It's half term now and we are off to a hotel for a night to swim, watch movies with popcorn and order room service and I love that we can do things like this

Ilovelurchers · 18/02/2023 16:34

No regrets here! Dd loves being an only. I became accidentally pregnant recently and then miscarried and she told me she was massively relieved! (She apologized if that was hurtful but said she was being honest).

She has some non-resident step-siblings on her dad's side and some adult step-brothers from my last relationship (one of whom we are both still close to) so she has some experience of a larger family dynamic, and she says that while it can be fun for a day or two, even these get a bit much for her at times.

reluctantbrit · 18/02/2023 16:49

No regrets.

DH was already 39 when DD came and didn't really feel up for a second.
I had quite difficult PND and definitely didn't want to go through it again.

Also, money, work (until DD was 4, DH and I were both travelling quite heavily for work) and childcare costs played a role.

GotABeatForYouMama · 18/02/2023 17:01

I was 26 when I had DD. I knew I wanted just the 1 and never regretted not having another.

GotABeatForYouMama · 18/02/2023 17:02

Forgot to add...DD is 30 now and in all those years I have never regretted not having another.

browbrows · 18/02/2023 17:07

Ridingfree · 18/02/2023 16:33

Took me a while to come around to it - for various reasons we stuck at one but had always assumed we would have 2. Now DD6 is past the baby stage we have such lovely time and days out so I feel content now knowing I can focus on her. It's half term now and we are off to a hotel for a night to swim, watch movies with popcorn and order room service and I love that we can do things like this

This sounds like so much fun!!

PercyPigs1 · 18/02/2023 17:29

No regrets here - DD is now 12. I found things hard work as she didn't sleep through the night till she was 4! I was made redundant then got a lower paid job which meant we went into debt every month paying nursery fees till she went to school. Mat leave benefits also not as good. So lots of practical things combined with never really having the desire for a second. Was hard when everyone kept asking and it seemed we were the odd ones out. Now I'm in a better paid job and we have the ability to do things we might not have been able to if we'd had another. Those family times are really special and mean we all have a very close bond

SomeCommonThing · 18/02/2023 17:37

We are one and done.
I had DS at 20, it was a horrible pregnancy and a really traumatic birth.
I had a termination at 30 after a contraception failure. I absolutely would not go through pregnancy, birth, and early motherhood again.

Also, DS is of an age where he is independent. I don't want to go back to nappies and night feeds and car seats, not to mention prams you need an engineering degree and 12 men to collapse!

Ridingfree · 18/02/2023 18:18

@browbrows it really is and she absolutely loves it! It's not even an expensive hotel really just a nearby one with a great pool. She loves we can swim order room service and then be back in the pool after breakfast 😂 100% recommend it. She says it makes her feel so special to eat dinner in her bedroom from a menu ❤️

Original poster
Embelline · 18/02/2023 23:38

Thank you so much to everyone who has posted and shared their thoughts.

I think I keep having these fleeting panics if what if DS doesn’t want to be in touch with his boring old mum when he’s older. As though a sibling is going to help with that? Which makes no sense.
and I worry about family holidays and him being bored on his own but I know there’s no guarantee of a sibling and him getting on.

my mum asked if I would feel differently if I had a daughter not a son but i don’t think I would, I’ve never had a yearning to have one or the other, after our losses I just wanted a safe and healthy pregnancy that resulted in a child.

the idea of pregnancy makes me feel quite full of dread as does the lack of sleep a newborn would bring… and yet I still flip flop!

OP posts:
Tor88 · 03/01/2025 21:02

@Embelline how did things pan out for you?? I'm facing the same dilemma. I always wanted two but cannot fathom going through gruelling losses, pregnancy, birth, baby, toddler stage again.. not sure id survive it, but I'm so conflicted (my DH is 19 months, I'm 36 with a history of fertility issues)

Musicofthespiers · 03/01/2025 21:07

It took me a while to come to terms with it as it really wasn't what I wanted but a few years down the track I've made my peace with it. DS is 7 now and I can't imagine our little triangle family in any other way.

TheScottishPlay · 03/01/2025 21:31

DS is 21 in a couple of weeks. Never regretted having 1 for a second. We were able to enjoy him and work in fulfilling jobs. Family were able to help with child care without being over burdened. He had the loveliest relationship with my parents. Now, we are able to help him out at uni and still live ourselves too.

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