Do your DC have a "thing"? finding what makes your child "special"/stand out?

[fleurdelee]

By a thing I mean do they have a "specialist subject/sport/whatever"

I was with a mum friend during the week and mentioned in passing that DC1 (14) was out doing a fairly unusual activity - DC has not been doing it that long (since last summer) but seems to enjoy it a fair amount.

Friend: "Oh so is that your DC1's thing then? I still haven't found that for my DC3 - both siblings are captains at sport but DC3 hasn't seemed to settle"

DC3 in this case is just 9 years old

I have been trying to give mine a well-rounded (state) education - the chance to try different things - to do a bit of sport, drama, music, choir, gymnastics and anything else they've been drawn to as well as cubs/scouts - not all at the same time!!

One thing the independent schools seem to market themselves about is "we will find your child's strength and nurture and draw it out and bring them out of themselves." Maybe this is what creates the "confidence" ?

On the opposite viewpoint I heard an anecdote about a mum at a weekly lesson at the riding school comparing her DD to another child "gosh your DD's riding has come on hugely" "it should be, she is up here 4x a week. When they reach secondary we make them pick a thing and stick at it. Hers is riding, her brother's is golf. That way they learn resilience, they get good at something and we only have 2 locations to go to."

What if they want to try new things?

My question I guess is:
Do you think children even need a "thing"?
I am mid40s and have a fair amount of specialist subjects/things that I'm good at - I certainly don't think that anyone would pigeonhole me in that way?

Interested to hear your thoughts.

No. I want my children to feel that they have intrinsic value not a USP. If they really enjoy doing something then obviously they should pursue it but I dodn't everybody has or needs a 'thing'.

Some kids do, some don't. My oldest likes to try lots of different things, but (like me) their key one really is singing. DS is really good at drama but at the end of the day we can't make him volunteer for stuff at school which is shame. In many ways I'd like him to have a 'thing' as he has ADHD and finds school quite difficult, although he copes and I think drama would give him something really shine at but at the end of the day it's his choice and like most kids his age (11) he's too self-conscious to go for it.

No. Most kids are average, we can’t all be special by definition.

Hmmmm. Interesting question.

I shall try and answer it but I may not be terribly coherent.

I have a child with autism, learning difficulties, ADHD and tourettes. He struggles with pretty much everything.

I cannot tell you the moments of sadness and grief I have had over the years (and now as well) when I see his peers doing amazing things. Gifted gymnasts; gifted horse riders and golfers; supremely talented musicians etc. I have tried over the years to expose DS1 to as many things as I can.

Like many people with autism he has obsessions- his current obsession is gaming. What he also does is create online computer games of his own that are incredibly detailed and intricate. It took me way longer than it should have to realise that THIS is his thing, his specialty and his creative outlet. He is quite amazing at it. I realised that I simply did not understand 'his thing' because it was not what I thought 'a thing' should be, if that makes sense. My thing growing up was riding and showjumping. DH was a sportsman. It took me a bit to get that DS1's thing is different.

I am trying to have an approach where I don't limit him with my own expectations. I expose him to whatever I can, but otherwise leave him be to get on with what he loves. It's a work in progress, and mostly my own feelings were getting in the way, if that makes sense.

Agreed.

Yup, my DD has her thing. Something that she's good at, passionate about and its very unusual for her age group to be able to do.

She's always branched out on her own with her passions - other kids don't get her at all but really, how many other 15 year old can fly a light aircraft? I'm very proud of her, partly because she works bloody hard at it, and partly because she gives not one shit about what anyone else thinks.

I think some children are very obviously drawn to very specific things and others have wider interests. Neither is necessarily superior to the other, and I think it's best to just follow their lead regarding their interests.
My 3 were all very different. Eldest was absolutely fixated with one hobby from being a toddler and never showed any real interest in anything else. She now earns her living in that field. Youngest has always wanted to have a go at everything that he possibly can, and has quite a number of things he does regularly. My middle one is kind of in the middle - tried quite a lot of stuff as a child but settled on a couple of fairly niche interests which he has continued into adulthood.
You can look at things in different ways. My elder two could probably be criticised for having too narrow interests and even be called obsessive, and you could say the youngest lacks focus I suppose. However I prefer to see the first two has having great commitment to their passions and the third as being a great all rounder...

Yes, my two DC are both on the national junior squad for a minority team sport, and their local team always do very well in national and regional competitions too. We just got lucky and happened to live close to a club with a passionate coach from a country where the sport is much bigger. He had kids a similar age to mine, poured lots of energy into the club, and attracted other families from countries where the sport is big. It was perfect for my DC who tried lots of different sports previously, which they enjoyed but would not have got them to the same level. Their national squad don't often win internationally, but that doesn't matter - the experience has been amazing for their self esteem, and they have a lovely network of sporty friends outside of school.

Either pursuing one 'thing' to a very high level or having a go at loads of different 'things' is massively expensive, so automatically only a sub-group of children are going to be able to have that.

I agree a little bit, in the sense that I think it's good for DCs if possible to have a sport or hobby that they take seriously, ideally (but not essentially) with defined rather than undefined stages of progression.

It doesn't have to be unusual or specialist or fancy. But keeping them going in one area or hobby that is outside of what they do in school and stretches them in some way, be it physically, musically or mentally, (or a combination) is good.

I've seen lots of parents almost expect their DCs to drop hobbies and interests before they're really got going. "Oh, we'll try it for a term but if they don't like it they can stop" - said on the first meeting/lesson within earshot of the DC. It's almost starting the DC off with the expectation that they are more likely to not like it or stick at it than they are.

Also seen DCs enjoy a hobby or interest, then not want to go for a week or two and the parents let them off instead of encouraging them to stick at it, so it gets dropped by stealth. My DCs have hobbies that they are very good at but there were times that they just didn't feel like doing it. I would consider carefully the reasons and whether they actually were ill, under the weather, or just feeling plain lazy/unmotivated and act accordingly.

But I don't think they should be forced to find their "thing" that they love passionately and willingly do 100% of the time and be made to feel guilty or lacking if they don't find it. There's a balance.

Sadly, kids do pick up on this idea that they should have 'a thing'. It puts unecessary pressure on them. It has knocked DD2's confidence. She doesn't have 'a thing' but people regularly say to her 'so, what's your thing? Music? Sport?'. Poor kid is happy enough but the pressure to have a thing is crap.

DD is now 15 and until Christmas she had a several hobbies. For various reasons she is sliming down and concentrates on her main interest, drama plus Scout Explorer for socialising.

But, she is also a huge history buff, going far beyond what's taught in school and attends author/historian talks, webinars and teaches herself new topics.

My DC have a 'thing' each, but they've all found said thing through exposure to much, wide opportunity. This is literally the definition of privilege/cultural capital though, and I make sure all three are very aware of it.

They also vary hugely: one is a sport, one a form of cadets and one creative/gaming based.

My DD is 14 and only found her "thing" 2 years ago so I wouldn't be fretting yet. It turns out she is exceptionally good at music and can play tracks by ear on the guitar, bass guitar and piano. She has grown in confidence so much since she started playing in a band at concerts and practices constantly.

We tried to get her into another instrument when she was younger but tbh she was terrible at it and she hated it.

I think some people have narrow but deep interest in one thing, others have wide, shallow interest in lots of things. Either is fine. The worry is kids who have no interest in anything, that's a bit rubbish for them.

Interesting.

i don’t think I had a “thing” growing up, but my DH did. Actually he had two. They were entirely of his own interest with v little input from his parents.
We gave the DC the opportunity to try various “things” and both found and stuck with their “thing” They both feel that this has taught them to persevere and a level of resilience.

DH is extremely resilient and perseveres to the end. But I think I’m pretty similar 🤷🏼‍♀️

I have a lot of complicated angst about this.

I had a relatively obscure thing from 8+. It was never something I really chose for myself but for some reason I was good enough to be picked and taught. I wasn't particularly great or interested in the thing, it never sparked joy, I wasn't a natural, but it made my family proud.

People told me to never give up the thing, that I'd spent so long on the thing that giving it up would make it a waste. But I gave up the thing the moment I went to uni and gained a sliver of independence.

I've now spent more time not doing the thing than doing the thing and even now I still carry a stupid amount of guilt over the money and time spent, of never being passionate enough to keep it up and fulfil other people's expectations of me, of beating myself up that I should have been more grateful to have even had a thing compared to my classmates.

People who knew me back then still ask if I'm doing the thing and are disappointed when I say no. Being known for a certain thing puts a lot of pressure on a child. I'd have much rather drifted around, exploring a lot of different things and choosing organically. But this is a privileged position and was obviously beyond our means.

I still think about returning to the thing. Accepting that it was my thing for a large part of my life and taking the time to appreciate it instead of having it feel like a burden. It still feels like unfinished business. As I said: ANGST!

So mumsnet. My kid's thing is not having a thing. Exposed them to everything, nothing took. I feel we've failed and at 17 there's bugger all to put on their personal statement. Youtube? Tiktok? Footie? But surely loads of kids are like this?

My dd3 12 thing is football, she’s played since she was 8 for a local team and although she’s not outstanding she is good. She’s never missed a game (only covid stopped her)

dd2 nothing much at all (she does dance once a week but that’s more of a chore sometimes)

dd1 has her drawing and her crochet which is rather good at,

mumsnet would have you believe that unless a child is jumping out of a plane skydiving every weekend, and playing top end sport then the kid is a worry and end up drifting/ worthless/ have a ‘crap’ job or that they are failing at parenting.

not so. Dd2 may not have a thing but she’s kind compassionate, caring and is funny. I value that more than anything.

so much pressure on kids to have a thing. Plenty of time for that as adults

I've always encouraged dd to try lots of different things so she doesn't have any one particular "thing" though for a while it seemed like circus school might be it because she was quite good at it but she's losing interest and I expect she'll drop it in a year or so. Right now she does 4 different sports/activities but volleyball is the one that takes precedence if it clashes with the others (one training session is the same time as one jujitsu training session so she goes to volleyball instead, and matches either clash with circus school or jujitsu). Luckily none of these are too expensive (and parkour is completely free as it's a school club), I just hope ds will also be into affordable things and not, for example, ice hockey.

It’s one thing (no pun intended) to enjoy something and pursue it but I always think by making it your ‘thing’ and wrapping your identity up in it, your asking for problems. What happens if that ‘thing’ doesn’t work out for some reason? If it’s a hobby or interest it’s hard enough to deal with but if your whole identity has become wrapped up in it, including how others see you, then that loss becomes a much bigger problem.

It sounds like you never had a thing, your parents had a thing that you did for them.

I never had a thing. I don't think my mum failed at all, I was just one of those kids who preferred reading on my own! Tbh I'm still like that now. Nothing wrong with that!

@Oldrope that really resonated with me.

I was a very good flautist. My parents would make me play the flute for visitors (cringe cringe cringe). I got into a prestigious music school in my home country, but did not take up the place. It was the source of a very great deal of boasting growing up which even at the time embarrassed me greatly.

Even now (I am nearly 50) my mother tuts and sighs sadly ;' Oh it is so sad you gave up the flute'.

It makes me guilty and murderous all at the same time.

DD1 has a “thing” and it’s really great for her - has really enhanced her life and has been a real “hook” for her educationally. DD2 doesn’t - which I think is a bit of a shame, as I’ve seen the benefit for her sister. That said - DD2 is a far more adventurous reader (and has more time for that as she’s not practising her “thing”!). So it’s horses for courses, really. It’s not something you can manufacture.