I really really need to change

[Valentina12]

I’m so unhappy with how I look (and feel) and I don’t know how to change it 😞

I am overweight. I’m 5’2 and 12 stone, wearing size 14. Because of my height I look absolutely dreadful. I keep trying to diet and exercise, I last a month and i just can’t seem to keep it going.

I have endometriosis. I’m waiting for an operation but it’s so painful and it’s really pulling me down. When it flares every month, i struggle to eat well (and I really struggle to exercise with it). It also causes a lot of swelling making my stomach look a lot worse.

my skin is horrific I have awful rosacea. I have no nice clothes because nothing fits or looks good on me.

i know this sounds a massive pity party but I’m terrified my husband will stop fancying me (he’s never said a word but it happens doesn’t it). Sex life is virtually non existent (he says the endo pain makes him worry about hurting me) and I just feel so unattractive.

I’m 38. We have two kids who are 9 and 5. Life should be getting easier but I just feel a total wreck. I have no energy. I don’t know how to change any of it.

Maybe it is a bit more chaotic than I thought

Maybe the family diet needs to be looked at?

a bit more balance with fish? Veg based casseroles? Grilled lean meats? More veg and fruit in the house? Less pizza?

Yes I daresay it does

Getting an accurate picture is the first step to change.

It will upset you, it did for me when I had to do this. But it's only the first rung.

I have stomach problems when I eat too much white bread. I don't really have a foolproof answer because there isn't one, but I try and grab carrots and hummus instead. Usually succeed about half the time.

This morning I've done a couch to 5k run, and my 9yo came with me. Much MUCH easier with some company and was 121 time for her.

Are the children overweight? How old are they? What’s their activity levels like?

Long family walk today?!

No, they’re not overweight at all. They’re fit and a lot more active than I am. That’s a big priority for me. I don’t want them to be like me.

Sorry 9 and 5

ok then… get their coats on and get them out! All of you.

then home. Not for a curry or pizza. Do you have any salmon in? What about teriyaki salmon with rice. Very easy

You have fruit and veg available for them presumably?

Clearly the kids are sorted and organised, so let your husband keep doing that. Make changes for you and don't feel you need to take everything else on at the same time.

First two steps are start up a skincare regimen that helps with your rosacea and start moving daily.

I technically suffer rosacea but nobody would ever know as it's been well managed since my mid-twenties and, frankly, my skin is very good now. I currently use oat cleansing balm and hyaluronic acid cleanser, plus hyaluronic serum and moisturiser all from the Inkey List. It's all inexpensive but efficacious.

Get moving daily by starting with short HIIT workouts (Lucy Wyndham-Read 7 mins on YouTube is a great way to start) and take it from there once you find you're in a routine.

Diet, clothes, whatever else you want to impact will follow from there when you're ready.

Your family routine doesn't sound chaotic at all - cut yourself some slack and do something positive that's just for you.

Of course. They aren’t great lovers of many vegetables (although they regularly have them on their plate) but they eat a lot of fruit.

Hi Op

I think your issue is here….with food.

you say you need quick things could you swap to some steamed veggies and rice? Or hummus and raw veg to dip in.

if you are eating mainly carbs and no fruit veg everyday that’s your problem. you’ll be tired, bloated and your complexion dull.

also wine is really high in calories!

good healthy food will make the world of difference

Look the kids are absolutely fine, happy and thriving. The point is that doing that and sustaining that is pretty much my limit and I don’t have the headspace to take care of myself. Or that’s how it feels anyway. And now I feel like I have woken up and hate myself.

i have one night a week where I do the full on beautifying :) hair mask, face mask, shower bomb, defuzz, light tan moisturiser, nails etc etc. dry hair off and straighten out the frizz.

go to bed in clean sheets and wake up feeling great

why don't you eat the same thing your kids do?

I was just trying to help OP.

Fact is… it would seem that your husband and your children eat well and are active.

but my suggestion to perhaps have same as them or join them on activity over the weekend…. It would seem that suggestion doesn’t have legs so I’ll bow out.

hi OP, as a single parent and shortie in a similar situation I can empathise! What I have found very helpful is intermittent fasting, OMAD or similar. It means you can eat dinner with the family but fast the rest of the time. So less cooking / prepping and less decisions overall. You have to get used to it, drink black coffee etc, cut out milk in tea but it's so worth it. Stretch out your non-eating window every day until you're at one meal a day or similar. Keep a diary or log to keep you on track. Find an online community or friend to hold you accountable - reddit fasting is good. Once you see the weight coming off it really motivates you to keep going. I also find immersing myself in content about intermittent fasting helps keep me going e.g. podcasts, articles, social media communities, youtube videos about the benefits. On a regular basis. I tend to do 36hr fasts at the moment which may sound extreme but is really helping. Once I have hit a target weight I will cut that down. Dr Jason Fung has some great advice / books / videos about it. The simplicity of it is the key. Not many rules around what to eat when you do but just not eating. You can start slack without berating yourself too much if you have a bad meal and then as you lose weight you will be less inclined to eat crap anyway.

It is common for women suffering endometriosis to find it really hard to lose weight. There's no point starving yourself and ending up feeling like a failure. Maybe stop thinking in terms of weight loss and more in terms of optimum health and fitness, being kind to yourself and looking after your body.

Don't diet, but do eat foods that are nutritious and anti-inflammatory - can't harm either the endo or the rosacea. (E.g. ginger and turmeric butternut soup or avocado and lettuce salad.) Try not to overeat. Focus on nurturing your body and food that gives you sustained energy.

Same with exercise. Don't push yourself when you are in pain. Try gentle stretching, beginner yoga and pilates, light weights or beginner bodyweight training, walking in nature, maybe cycling. Concentrate on your lungs, heart, muscular strength. If you don't mind a bit of woo, something like 5 Rhythms dance is brilliant - two hours non stop movement but all on your own terms, exploring how to move in a way that feels right for you.

Have you tried natural soothers for the rosacea - chamomile tea and lavender water cold compresses? Use very plain soaps and cleansers. There must be some specialist foundations that cover it up without aggravating it. Maybe you could ask for some samples in a department store and try a few, then get one that feels and looks right.

Whatever your size and weight, get yourself some clothes you love, that fit the body you have right now. Maybe a bit more glamorous or stylish than you usually go for. Good haircut and brow shape, paint your nails and toenails. Do whatever you can to allow yourself to feel good as you are right now. It really helps.

Honestly? You need to love yourself first and say I deserve healthy food and time to exercise.
Food is the mkst important as will impact how you feel and also help your endo. If I ate carbs I feel sluggish and awful and pile weight on.

So no carbs (aside from frujt and veg (but no potatoes)
Reduce/cut out wine - it makes everything worse.
Soolantra cream from GP for rosacea - life changing.
DIM supplement for endo

Try and skip breakfast and only e at two meals a day - intermittent fasti g with heakthy keto will make the weight drop off you.

Typical food day

Lunch - omelette with cheese and veg and a big salad
Dinner. chicken or salmon or pork or beef with veg -brocolli/spinach whatever you like
Followed by big b owl greek yoghurt with some nuts (walnuts or pecans are nice) with a little drjed frujt or fresh berries. If I want a choc fix, I sprinkle cocoa powder over it.

Get the diet right first then think about exercise -Weight loss is 90% diet 10% exercise. But you need to exercjse for heart health/feel good factor.

No I know, I wasn’t having a go. I’m sorry. We do walk etc over the weekend. We play a bit of tennis (I’m crap at it). I wish I was someone who enjoyed sport but the truth is I’m not, and I don’t want my kids to be like that because it has hindered me my whole life.

My life is just so dominated by the kids. Everything I do is for and about them. It just leaves me with no mental or physical energy for myself and the endo just constantly
pulls me down.

i hate myself for not being what I want to be, or feel
I should be, in my head. Does that make sense to anyone or does it make me sound like a neurotic crazy person?

I also have endometriosis and rosacea. Laparoscopies helped in the short term but nothing else. I found that exercise helped the most. I exercise daily with yoga on rest days.

Go to your GP for something for the rosacea. I used an online GP service for mine.

In an extremely situation to you with height and weight, two kids, sedentary job.

One of the things I want to do is drink less. We don't have loads - one or two glasses a night, a few nights off in the week, but it's just sugar, so it could go down further.

I'm terrible for snacking if treats are in house. Snacks and food after 10pm are my biggest weakness. What I want to do is get my husband on side because while I am a grown up in charge of my own destiny, he eats sooooooo much after 10 and offers me some, and it is hard to resist. Smaller portions for me is another, as I eat the same as my taller husband.

Finally, find some clothes that feel like 'you' and you will feel so much better! I like wearing Lucy & Yak (many here will find it naff no doubt), you might find you like quirky dresses, or a particular brand that just fits you (literally and metaphorically). See if you can get a hobby that fits into the gaps the kids give you. Eg I don't have time for anything really (would love to read more for example) but started duolingo as I could easily do one language lesson a day.

When you feel better about yourself, it is also easier to be healthy. I stress eat!

Crumbs OP there's a lot of "you should do this" advice here. i imagine that in itself is overwhelming. You have identified yourself that your life is work and kids with no time for you. The hard bit is carving out that time for you that is taken up with something that is ABOUT you. Then sticking with it. It's about willpower and not feeling guilty and takes an energy you don't feel you have but you do. You have already demonstrated willpower with dry jan. I think your idea to adjust that long term is a really good start eg. alcohol on Friday only or similar. When that becomes a habit, add something else eg no white bread. Small steps.

Letting go of guilt if you do something for yourself is hard too. If you could have say 2hrs to yourself next week, what would you like to do with it?

By the way, Valentina is my dd's middle name!

Hi OP, lots of great suggestions about food - just seen some Jamie Oliver cookbooks recommended on another thread that might be a good place to start.

What I wanted to suggest was about exercise - I think a lot of people associate exercise with big, energetic stuff like running or body pump, zumba etc but if you are finding it hard to get going I'd recommend pilates - it's a lot slower and focused on stretching and building up your muscle groups, there's loads of fab YouTube videos for beginners. And because it's a steady pace it just doesn't feel like such a massive effort to do it, its a slow burn not a quick shock.

You need to stop focusing on weight and start focusing on how healthy you are. I go to a lovely gym, majority of the women are older (mid 30s+) and we are all different shapes and sizes. But, most are strong and healthy!
If you wfh, is it the type you can do a 45 minute workout during the day? You need to fit this in somewhere and everything else will follow. It's just as was to cook chicken and salad as it is beans on toast. But whilst your low on energy you don't have the energy.
It's important you find some me time as everyone else in your home does (clubs, running etc)

I like what you say about health rather than weight. I have spent my whole life yo-yo dieting and it’s total misery. so maybe I’ll try Pilates or yoga or some walking at the gym?

Having said that, I also am interested in the intermittent fasting because I think I could actually manage that no problem (don’t usually eat breakfast, just exist on coffee until lunchtime).