Am I lazy/disorganised or are my expectations too high?

[wejammin]

Looking for some perspective as I feel like I'm struggling with day to day life at the moment and have been for a while.

I have a full time job, in theory I work 4 days a week and have the other day off with my 4 year old but I also work evenings and take calls when I'm 'off' as the nature of the job requires it (law). Travel quite a bit for work, although rarely overnight. I'm also training for a new role so doing lots of reading and training days at the moment.

I have 3 children ages 11, 8 and 4. 11yo is autistic (PDA profile), very capable at mainstream school but also struggles with emotional regulation and needs constant supervision unless watching TV/gaming which can cause its own issues. Very limited family support - they will take the older 2 overnight a couple of times a year but all live over an hour away and not keen on being hands on.

Basically apart from work and looking after the children's basic needs I feel like I'm not keeping on top of things.

I meal plan so that we can try and eat healthy balanced meals, but then get behind with the food shopping (online) so we end up just eating beans on toast or pasta quite a bit.

House is a mess - I pay a cleaner once a fortnight which is a blessing but there's too much stuff, too many toys, clutter everywhere. I try and declutter a little every day but then each birthday/Christmas/shopping trip more stuff arrives. I love gardening and growing veg but the garden is unmanageable because I leave it too long. House also needs redecorating (we moved in late 2019 and done hardly anything) - I bought the paint to do the skirtings last month but not started it yet. We don't have the money to outsource it.

Kids watch way too much TV, because if I try and do something productive like gardening/DIY/batch cooking they start arguing. They will play nicely for a bit if I actively manage it but as soon as I leave it falls apart (this is partly due to DC1's needs but also they just have very different interests/ways of playing). We do have days out at the weekend but then I get guilt that I should be doing housework/batch cooking etc.

I have hobbies I never do (violin, needlework) and I'd love to be fitter and read more but never seem to have the time or energy.

One of my big issues is that I am definitely a night owl. I cannot sleep before midnight, usually closer to 1am, and I'm most productive from around 1pm until 10pm - of course this does not coincide with work hours and mostly involves school run/making tea/bedtimes, so then I start work again once the kids are in bed. I then have to drag myself out of bed at 6:30 (ok closer to 7) and then I'm rushing and I'm exhausted and have no energy or focus.

I've tried various planners/apps/diaries to organise myself but it never seems to work or last - tried TOMM, declutter challenges, habit trackers, 1000 hours outside, headspace..... When I get a moment to myself I just end up sitting down staring into space or faffing on my phone. I tried to stop using my phone but actually I use it for banking/messaging friends/notes/planning apps a lot so it became counterproductive.

If anyone has any ideas or advice I would be so grateful. Or are my expectations too high and I should accept that work and kids is all I can manage right now?

I should add, I forgot - I do have a DH, he also works 4 days plus evenings, does school runs etc. He does some housework and tidying, but is waiting for knee surgery so is restricted for DIY. Does the cooking equally.
He struggles with DS1 so I tend to be the parent who manages his needs - this is works well for us and reduces conflict but I accept this puts a higher burden on me there. He compensates in other ways (does all the driving, which I hate, sorts out all the insurances/cars/vets). I would say we are equal.
DH, however, never worries or feels guilty and sleeps very well!

Sorry for the brief response, but I didn't want to read and run!

It sounds as if you have a huge amount on your plate - and one that comes with a very large mental load, too. No wonder you feel like the wheels are falling off.

PDA is so hard.

Do you think that you might also have some executive functioning difficulties? I ask because some of the things you describe sound very familiar and I have ADHD and ASD diagnoses.

stopped reading when I got to PDA

so hard to manage in a family

I dont think anyone with a child in this bracket is ever going to feel "on top of things"

whatever else is going on I would prioritise stable workable routines for this child, because nothing else is going to have anything like as much impact on your quality of life

Also, no - I definitely don't think you're lazy. I think you are trying to function under a huge amount of pressure and, as a woman, have been conditioned to equate 100% perfection with moral superiority. My DH also sleeps well and doesn't feel guilty - I'm the opposite!

Start going to bed earlier. You are losing 14 hours sleep a week. You are seriously sleep deprived which will be having a massive impact in your health and your ability to function.

I have a full time job, in theory I work 4 days a week and have the other day off with my 4 year old but I also work evenings and take calls when I'm 'off' as the nature of the job requires it (law)

I was exhausted by this point tbh! I have a 9-5 job 3 days a week that's not particularly stressful I don't take work home with me ever and I have 2 NT children (one still at home with me on days off) and a DP who does his fair share and I also struggle to keep on top of everything. You don't sound lazy at all.

I think you're doing an amazing job and should cut yourself some slack!

I too think you’re doing an amazing job!

Just a couple of things, I get the impression you do most of the thinking, planning and shopping for meals, Dh needs to do more of this, get him to meal plan and shop 50% if the time.
Im a night owl too but society just doesn’t work like that so I make myself go to bed at 10.00 twice a week. I’ll read a good book and am invariable asleep by 11, it makes such a difference to everything the next day.

I struggle with day to day life and feel disorganised too. I pinpointed that for me, the issue was that I was constantly trying to remember things that I needed to do, but would always forget and only remember at 8pm when I can’t be arsed to get up and be productive. This would repeat until the original task that would’ve taken me 5 minutes is now a massive task that’ll take me hours/an afternoon and it overwhelms me so I ignore it. Rinse and repeat with everything on my plate. My boyfriend has been saying to me for years that I should set reminders in my phone for absolutely everything (as he does and he’s the most organised person I know), but I always found it a faff with selecting the day, the time, typing it in, etc. Well, I’ve just cracked it and this will probably help you too!

I use Google Calendar for everything, so my boyfriend set it up as a widget on my home page on my phone. He also taught me how to use Google Assistant, so now I literally just press one button and talk into the mic
“Remind me to text Bob tomorrow at 11am about the flowers”
“Remind me to send the letter on thursday at 10am”
“Remind me to make the brown rice instead of the white rice tonight”

And it works!! All the stupid little things I would constantly think about would fill my brain up and make it feel like I didn’t have enough room on my plate for anything else, let alone completing the tasks I was thinking of. Having the widget on my home page has changed the game for me because I can see all of my reminders right there in front of me, every time I pick up my phone. So 20+ times a day I’m glancing at it and it’s so much less overwhelming than trying to remember, than writing to do lists and then losing them, than spending 20+ mins in the morning/evening writing my to do list, etc. I feel very serene now, and have done a bunch of things that have been on my “list” for weeks/months. I’d 100% recommend!

You’re not lazy or disorganised, you just have a shitload on your plate.

What can you afford to outsource? Can you bump the cleaner up to come weekly? I have a maintenance man that does gardening work. He’s not a gardener but will cut hedges, dig in beds, wheelbarrow soil around etc. He’s great.

My life sounds about 40% as busy as yours and I outsource-
Cleaning
Dog walking
Garden maintenance
Window washing
Washing/ironing of bedding.

I know it’s not always possible for everyone, but see what’s in your budget, see what can be freed up (do you need to keep a violin you don’t play?) and knock off as many of the big time-stealers as you can.

The first thing that came to my mind is that you need more sleep! There are very very few people who can actually function on so little sleep (you are getting what, 5 hours a night?) and from what you are saying, it doesn’t seem you are one of them.

Its not that you are disorganised, not good enough or whatever, it’s that you are exhausted from late nights, a full on work, working evenings etc….

Id start there.
Looking at not working evenings, having at least some lie ins on Fridays and weekends etc…. See if you can get to sleep earlier and reset your sleep schedule. I suspect even just one hour of sleep more a day will help.

To me you sound busy and I can’t believe you think you are lazy! Re cleaning - pick small areas of the house to do each day and work through each part of the house on rotation so don’t try to wash floors and windows for the whole house in one day. Break it down into parts. as the kids are getting older can you offer a reward for them doing some light household chores? They may do better if they are tacking different tasks at different times so helping you with cleaning their room for 30 minutes or folding and putting away laundry, emptying the dishwasher and putting away dishes etc. Mine got time each to chat to me whilst doing this and we both celebrated a job well done.
forget hobbies unless it’s an absolute must - plenty of time when kids get older to catch this back up but do try and get
more sleep and exercise.

That's a lot. You're not lazy. You are overwhelmed. Agree with pp who said get more sleep, I would try to prioritise that as a foundation for managing all you have going on.

Oh wow, I did not expect replies. Thank you all so much. Very reassuring that you don't think I'm lazy.

@SignOnTheWindow I have wondered about ADHD/ASD. My sister is diagnosed ASD. I've always just got on with life, always achieved well, but I have had therapy in the past (we get it free with work because of the nature of my job) and the therapist said she thought I was extremely overanalytical and anxious, but mask it very well. I take CBD which helps with anxiety. Maybe there's more to it.

Unfortunately stable routines don't help, he doesn't like routines (except for school). One of the quirks of PDA!

But I do think having a calmer tidier house would help, it's very visually stimulating (aka chaotic). He is a sensory seeker though so likes to keep his own personal space very busy.

Everyone who has said get more sleep. I agree. I have tried. I'm in a vicious cycle where I work best late at night but then can't switch off to go to sleep. I don't know how to reset this. Well I do, stop working late at night, but then my work isn't done. Should I do it gradually? Push everything back half an hour a night until I'm in bed by 10? If I try to go to bed early I just lie there awake.

well, I expressed it badly! Your routine maybe not to have a routine, but if you find a plan that works and can be stuck to, that helps

@Lheuredubebe thank you, this is a great idea. This is what the guy in "Getting Things Done" says to do, I think. Funnily enough I do this for work, I write EVERYTHING down on a list.

I tried it for home once but got overwhelmed by the length of the list and didn't know where to start, but I shall give it another go.

Is your dc entitled /getting the appropriate financial benefits op? May help you be able to afford a cleaner for example..

Hi @wejammin, also a lawyer so hugely sympathise.

1. Based on the number of my colleagues I see online late at night (and not so much in the morning), I would be inclined to say that most lawyers are nightowls and crap in the morning. Mondays are the worst - pretty sure my whole team doesn’t get going until 4pm on a Monday. I think it’s because we’re so conditioned to work late our body clocks reset. I deal with this by prioritising non-work related tasks in the mornings - so I should start at 9.30 but because I sort out appointments, online food shopping, tidying etc in the morning I probably only get going around 10.30, fully aware that I would otherwise be wasting time staring into space if I was at my laptop.
2. The fact that you think you are lazy and somehow failing is also typical of most lawyers (or perhaps just my friendship group). Our jobs demand perfection as even a small error can be a PI claim and I think we then start expecting perfection in our personal lives. Years of therapy haven’t helped me with this and i’m inclined to think it’s a personality issue. Maybe a low dose anti-anxiety pill would help but I haven’t tried it myself.
3. DLA - have you applied for this already?
4. Would it help to work 5 days rather than 4 days? The unpaid meetings and calls on my day off meant that I was constantly interrupted and rarely enjoyed an actual day off. Switching back to 5 days meant I planned childcare / my life around work properly.
5. Outsource more - if you can afford to, switch from fortnightly to weekly cleaning and add in an extra 1.5hrs to sort laundry and ironing.
6. Declutter - It is obviously easier and quicker to tidy a clutter-free house. I didn’t have time to declutter myself so I hired a professional organiser to declutter my house with the objective of reducing its contents by half. Also focus on storage solutions so that everything has a place and lives in its logical place.
7. Write everything that needs to be done so that it doesn’t live in your head. I don’t always go back to the list I have written (because I’m an idiot) but still feel better after writing it down.
8. Cut yourself a shit ton of slack and congratulate yourself on the fact that you’re already doing an amazing job.

@Eastereggsboxedupready no, I'm not getting any benefits for DC1 - It's been on my list for ages. I'm not sure we are eligible. To be honest I am also dreading the form - having to spell out all the "worst" parts of your child is awful.

@Mumsanetta I hadn't even thought this could be a lawyer trait but now you say it - the curse of the overachiever runs high through my co-workers. 2 of my comparable level colleagues have had stress-related burnout and time off since covid.

I did think about increasing to 5 days, but DC3 goes to school in September so I'm trying to squeeze out those last days with him doing nice things (in between emails!) and I think he missed out so much in lockdown so he deserves it. I've also just been appointed as a fee paid tribunal chair (that' what the training is for) so the plan is to stop private practice altogether in the next 5 years and go the judicial route eventually, so I am dropping my hours to 3 days soon to fit that in and co-working with another fee earner. Hopefully that will help!

Full time work with 3 DC is really challenging, and if one has additional needs that makes it even harder. You are not lazy, just overburdened.

I have ADHD and I tend to get behind on things, if I don't give myself a deadline. And it can't just be any old random deadline, I have to really believe that the deadline makes logical sense and must be then. However, recently, I have started to embrace "It must be done by X otherwise it will realistically never get done". as my logical reason, working out when that now-or-never point is, and this helps a lot.

For instance, we don't have online shopping here (not UK), but we do have grocery pickup, so I order a pickup every single week on Wednesday for DH to get after work. (It used to be Monday but we accidentally found that Wed is quieter). I cannot easily go to the supermarket at other times, so it has to be that day, even if it means I am frantically making the order on Wednesday morning (usually it's Tuesday night!) - this helps. There are still quick/beige food nights and I keep stocked up on that stuff too.

DH does the mornings for me because I am an absolute mess all day if I have to get up before 8. I realise that is a privilege and sounds ridiculously lazy/entitled but it makes such a huge difference to me. So maybe think about whatever you can, in terms of previous day prep or getting DH to take over any tasks, to streamline or minimise your mornings. Pre-prepping does not need to be done at bedtime, I would struggle with that. Maybe some aspect of lunches can be combined with dinner prep for example.

Lots of organisation/cleaning "plans" don't work for me, but the approach in A Slob Comes Clean helps a lot - 4x habits (I added laundry) - I don't honestly do these every day, but it gives me a starting point and you keep on top of stuff, and if you don't, well you can just start again in the same place and I like that it's like a "reset button" and REALLY doesn't take long, even if everything has got into a right state. I like her idea of "clutter threshold" and container concept and decluttering as ongoing home maintenance, rather than a project which you can expect to do once and it stays done forever. She just nails a lot of the points where I would generally fall down or become frustrated with other methods. I don't know if it's a neurodiverse thing.

DS1 having his job to empty the dishwasher (and a deadline - lol - 5pm) helps a lot as it's empty and I can clear stuff into it throughout the day, then either DH will put it on at night, after kids' dinner or I put it on in the morning if I remember. I think for me, keeping up with cycles like laundry and washing up, and therefore having basically the minimum amount of those things, helps a lot because it means that cups/plates/clothes are not constantly everywhere all the time. I mean, they still are, but only a few because I try to keep the washing up and the laundry moving at all times so that we don't run out. I think what happens if you often run out of these things is that you accumulate excess, and then you get further behind and they are just all lying all over the place all the time. Whereas when I try to (most) days run a dishwasher/washing machine load, then I'm actively searching the house to find more bits to put in each load.

You sound as though you are doing a fab job of keeping everything running between you and your DH.
Can the cleaner come weekly and do stuff like beds, taking washing off airer, emptying dishwasher etc?
I hear you about veg. We plant with great intentions and then life gets in the way. Can you just not do veg growing this year?
I'd look at where you can stop doing things that are nice but not essential, and that might carve out some time to find an orchestra to play your violin with?