Am I lazy/disorganised or are my expectations too high?

[wejammin]

Looking for some perspective as I feel like I'm struggling with day to day life at the moment and have been for a while.

I have a full time job, in theory I work 4 days a week and have the other day off with my 4 year old but I also work evenings and take calls when I'm 'off' as the nature of the job requires it (law). Travel quite a bit for work, although rarely overnight. I'm also training for a new role so doing lots of reading and training days at the moment.

I have 3 children ages 11, 8 and 4. 11yo is autistic (PDA profile), very capable at mainstream school but also struggles with emotional regulation and needs constant supervision unless watching TV/gaming which can cause its own issues. Very limited family support - they will take the older 2 overnight a couple of times a year but all live over an hour away and not keen on being hands on.

Basically apart from work and looking after the children's basic needs I feel like I'm not keeping on top of things.

I meal plan so that we can try and eat healthy balanced meals, but then get behind with the food shopping (online) so we end up just eating beans on toast or pasta quite a bit.

House is a mess - I pay a cleaner once a fortnight which is a blessing but there's too much stuff, too many toys, clutter everywhere. I try and declutter a little every day but then each birthday/Christmas/shopping trip more stuff arrives. I love gardening and growing veg but the garden is unmanageable because I leave it too long. House also needs redecorating (we moved in late 2019 and done hardly anything) - I bought the paint to do the skirtings last month but not started it yet. We don't have the money to outsource it.

Kids watch way too much TV, because if I try and do something productive like gardening/DIY/batch cooking they start arguing. They will play nicely for a bit if I actively manage it but as soon as I leave it falls apart (this is partly due to DC1's needs but also they just have very different interests/ways of playing). We do have days out at the weekend but then I get guilt that I should be doing housework/batch cooking etc.

I have hobbies I never do (violin, needlework) and I'd love to be fitter and read more but never seem to have the time or energy.

One of my big issues is that I am definitely a night owl. I cannot sleep before midnight, usually closer to 1am, and I'm most productive from around 1pm until 10pm - of course this does not coincide with work hours and mostly involves school run/making tea/bedtimes, so then I start work again once the kids are in bed. I then have to drag myself out of bed at 6:30 (ok closer to 7) and then I'm rushing and I'm exhausted and have no energy or focus.

I've tried various planners/apps/diaries to organise myself but it never seems to work or last - tried TOMM, declutter challenges, habit trackers, 1000 hours outside, headspace..... When I get a moment to myself I just end up sitting down staring into space or faffing on my phone. I tried to stop using my phone but actually I use it for banking/messaging friends/notes/planning apps a lot so it became counterproductive.

If anyone has any ideas or advice I would be so grateful. Or are my expectations too high and I should accept that work and kids is all I can manage right now?

@BertieBotts thanks, I'll have a look at A Slob Comes Clean.

I definitely need a deadline. This is why court orders are great for me! Self imposed ones might work.

Can't get DS1 to do any jobs routinely. He will feed the cats if he's in the mood. DD is much more helpful but I don't feel it's fair to ask too much of her when DC1 doesn't have to.

I think you are doing exceptionally well to be together still, both holding down jobs, getting the kids fed. I think you're doing the right thing in keeping food very simple. Maybe add an extra vegetable or some salad on the side, if you are feeling keen.

Many, many families with a child with PDA profile end up with the child out of school and at least one parent pretty broken too. Hanging onto your mental health is way more important than decluttering regimes and chore rotas. Maybe your husband could take on more admin/lifts for the younger ones, take them out at weekends, meal planning some weeks. Maybe you could have a complete break for 24h or so, one weekend. Stay in a hotel and read a book. Give your mind a little rest.

One thing that helped us is the 10 min tidy. For 10 mins after dinner every day, we all pitch in and tidy or clean something. No rota, just something is better than nothing. But you don't sound lazy or disorganised to me, you sound like you're trying to squeeze 2 pints into a 1 pint pot, and very nearly managing it.

You put an alarm in your phone. No work after let’s say 10.00pm. It will give a deadline (which you say you love).
Then have some wind down for 1hour and go to bed. Use that wind down time to read, have a Bath, anything but something that will make you think (aka not tidying up, watching the news, a film etc….).

Stick to the routine. The more you do it, the easier it will be.

Re the children what worked best with mines is consistency.

So their responsibility was to put away all the stuff after dinner and empty the dishwasher. It was always their responsibility so it became a habit. An easy one to establish because either me or DH was around anyway to ‘remind’ them to start with.
Clothes to put in the wash and tidy once clean. Again works well because if they dint they are the ones who suffer from it iyswim
Beds.

Your example with the cat will only work if you fit it in your routine so that you can be there to remind your ds to do it for the first few months
eg breakfast etc…

Also, your dd is autistic. The requests and expectations you have with him might be different that what your expect your dd to do.
This shouldn’t be a reason not to ask your dd to get involved because her brother doesn’t.

With autism though, routine is definitively what will work best.

RE adjusting bedtimes - yes, adjust gradually. 15/30 minutes earlier per week. Ban your phone and work / laptop from your bedroom. Try not to have any screens 1 hour before bedtime. And think of a simple "wind down" routine which will tell your body its time for bed. Doesn't have to be influencer style 12 step skincare routine. You could just have some inexpensive scented hand cream / pillow spray along with reading a chapter of a book. I promise over time it will help.

This is my experience of what worked for me - I used to work late nights / be a night owl. Now I am in bed by 10.30 and asleep by 11.30 every night. I don't need a bedtime routine anymore either, although I always do my skincare. I still do my best work after lunch but I have shifted my body clock towards daytimes. I prefer having meetings and doing easy tasks in the morning, then do my complex "thinking" / problem solving tasks in the afternoon.

Should have said the bedtime routine might not always work straight away. If you can't sleep then read, listen to music, etc. Screen free fun. If you're in bed, and relaxed, you're still allowing your body to rest. And if everything goes out of the window now and again just get back to it when you can. Repetition over time is the key thing, it doesn't need to be perfect.

You sound amazing. I got as far as the busy job plus three children and thought "Yeah".

It's too much. It makes life a grind at that point. It puts us women in an impossible position. We can't give up work/career or risk falling behind and ending up impoverished single mothers. We can't give up caring for our children as it seems to be our biological program.

When I noticed you have one child with additional needs, that is probably enough to make it untenable.

I managed it all until one of my dds developed an ED that threw everything out of balance.

I had to take time completely off work to care for her and it was still tough.

Recently there had been another descent into complete dependency, with unpredictable behaviour meaning I didn't know if I was going to get a call at 3am drunk hovering over a train platform edge, etc.

I had to stop working again briefly, then went 3 days. I decided I will not do that to myself again, I will not struggle on carrying the massive workload, domestic load and mental load for 3 dependents (incl DH), with one needing me to drop everything at any point.

I'm capable, hardworking, resilient and ambitious, but I had started to feel life wasn't worth living - not in a suicidal way - in a chain-gang way. It never ended.

Now I'm 3 days a week it's better. I treat myself to an hour or so every evening in front of the TV with some needlework. The house is a mess, my teens are sometimes too much, the job creeps in too far, but on balance it's sustainable.

Please can you share what it looks like so I can try and do it on my phone! Thanks 😊

Just wanted to say it sounds like you are doing a fantastic job, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
I could have written your post down to ds with ASD and PDA and I have been saying that I feel like I am failing at everything currently - even work.
I am trying to look at the positives and get through the days!
I did wonder if you perhaps have some traits of ASD/ ADHD - I have ASD & ADHD and am a real night owl/ struggle to organise my self.
anyway just getting thought the week might be a realistic achievement for you for now so well done.

I would say that you both work way too many hours and have lots on for a couple with three kids including one with a disability.

It sounds like you are doing fantastically and have a huge amount to juggle.

I have ADHD and one of my two has suspected ADHD. A full time job and no family support. I have found these things help a bit -

A meal plan for the week that includes all lunches, breakfasts and snacks that you can buy on repeat - so the food order is a list and you buy the same every week. We do an online shop. While some people may find this boring it takes the thinking out of it for me and that's more important. I hope to have a second week meal plan eventually and to alternate the two. I should say my eldest is pretty narrow in what he eats. I also have some cook ready meals in the freezer so we can have something quick and nice (for me and DH mainly).

Reducing how much we have has helped keep the house tidier. We used to have a huge number of books but I got rid of 90pc. Same with ornaments - kept what had meaning, got rid of the rest. The kids had way too many toys so we reduced those - some to charity some in the loft for dc2. Bathroom products - use the same few things and don't buy things to try. Use boxes and baskets to store things in as kids can then tidy up a bit on their own. We have a one in one out rule to try and maintain the level of stuff we have. As I find I don't have the time to have regular big sort outs.

I try and routine hobbies and accept I can only do one for a bit, so I only really have time for something just for me regularly twice a week. So I do a class at the gym and go for a swim and I schedule these in and then ringfence that time as I would if it were a work meeting.

Laundry is endless. I have a kallax with boxes in to sort laundry and then a washing basket per person for when it's dry. So that if it doesn't make it into drawers quickly enough it's a quick easy root around that persons basket.

I am also a nightowl and find that if I stay downstairs after everyone else has gone up for the day I will be there til 1/2am. So I have started to make myself to upstairs when my husband does, I am more able to develop a good habit if I piggyback on someone else's. And my husband has great sleep discipline. (I'm poorly so awake now :)

We have a cleaner once a week and I clean nothing in between that. Other than wiping surfaces, emptying bins. Robot hoover for downstairs. The money we spend on outsourcing cleaning is well spent in my view.

I love growing veg and dream of having a beautiful garden but can never see it through so for now I don't. Garden is a grass patch and nothing else.

I have not however felt on top of anything since I had children and am coming round to the idea that I may need to get used to that but that if I have the most important things sorted as best I can that's good enough.

@Howarewenotthereyet thanks 😊 robot hoover is on my list - especially with 2 cats who track litter as I feel I am endlessly hoovering. Do you have a eufy?

I do meal plan but it's 4 weekly rather than weekly. I did weekly but DC1 (who is very fussy!) got bored and annoyed. Good idea to get some nice ready meals in though, then even if the kids have pasta we can get something more interesting.

Laundry I am ok at, I have a rota and do one basket a day (one basket per person, plus towels). I have endless lists and rotas and schedules!

Funny how we're all night owls isn't it. My son definitely is. I did actually get in bed last night at 10:45 and read, and the morning felt a bit easier. However, it meant I had no time at all with DH yesterday without the kids or working, so I don't know how to address that. We only really have from 11pm to midnight to speak.

Set aside a day when you aren’t working to do a big de-clutter-make piles for the bin, for charity, to keep. How does more stuff arrive? Is it relatives sending gifts? If so, could you ask for vouchers instead?

Here I found this, maybbe it helps.

If you meal plan 4-weekly - can you make yourself a weekly shopping list at the same time, then just follow that x4?

Something I did recently was make myself a "Staples list" writing down absolutely everything, from tuna to milk to sugar to bananas, that we need in all the time. I put it in a google doc with check marks, and I can go into the kitchen and check what we don't have, or are running low on, from that list.

I never managed to do this before, because DH would suggest it and I'd find it overwhelming. How do I go into the kitchen and write down everything we don't have? You mean out of all the possible foods in the world? Uhh, no. That was my ND brain not filling in a blank that a NT one would automatically. Perhaps a NT person might have that staples list in their head, or would work from a written list or would be able to mentally "see" the missing things while looking at where they would go if they existed and were put away, or would make a list as and when things run out. I don't remember to do that as and when, I couldn't do it by looking, nor keep a mental list and the thought of writing a list had not occurred to me, so I would just short circuit. Or I'd write a very literal list of things that were almost empty but forget to check something like sugar, or not notice that because there was literally no pasta sauce, we need more. And, some things on my list are interchangeable - another hurdle.

Then I add onto my staples list 2x meat + ingredients, to make 2 meals of things like curry, spaghetti bolognese, beef stew. And 1x burger/schnitzel/lasagne, which is a half ready made kind of dinner that requires slightly more prep than just shove in oven for 20 min. The other 4 days we have frozen stuff or quick things like sausage pasta, or leftovers, or takeaway.

Some people separate out the longlife staples vs fresh ones and would do 1x large "pantry order" from sonewhere like amazon or tesco or even costco for the stuff like tins and packets, then list the fresh and frozen stuff weekly.

You don’t sound lazy; you sound overwhelmed and unable to say no – even to yourself. Ie right now you can’t really fit in violin or needlework but rather than saying no to it, you’re carrying the mental load of thinking you should be able to fit it in.

I think you need some drastic, big picture measures: outsourcing cleaning, decorating, gardening.

And stop decluttering a little at a time: all that does is add to your workload each day without being effective. You need a brutal, week off work, reduce possessions by 50% one-time declutter.

@BertieBotts stealing the staples list immediately! Already set it up and realised 4 things we need. Thanks!

@bussteward I would LOVE a week off to declutter, but our annual leave doesn't cover school holidays and DC1 can't really use childcare plus he's 11 so not many places will take him now.

That's such a positive story

So since my OP I have been much more aware of taking all possible steps to be more organised so that I feel less overwhelmed and the to do list is running my life with good effect.

I finally applied for an access card to try and get queueless access and companion tickets for days out, which has been on my internal to do list for ages. Next job is DLA application so I downloaded the form.

I've booked a man to fix the garden railings.

Baby steps but all helping with the load.

Glad to hear you’re feeling less overwhelmed!

On the DLA form, better to ask them to send you the form by post as any award will then be backdated to the date the form was sent to you. I think this only applies if you then send the form within a certain number of weeks which helps to impose a deadline of sorts. If you are on any Facebook groups for children with the same additional needs as your child it might help to ask if anyone is willing to share a completed form that they submitted that was successful as it makes it easier to complete.

Do you do online shopping or shopping in a shop?

If online, Asda have a feature called "shopping lists" where you can set up multiple lists.

So I have Week 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 lists (I do a 5 week rotation for dinners) and then an Every Week list for lunches and breakfast and drinks and other Staples like milk and then things I need less frequently I put onto a Google keep list whenever I remember I need them, and always have a spare in stock in the loft (which means that I can afford several weeks of forgetting I need e.g. flour before it becomes a problem).

The 1-5 lists have Everything I need from spices to a jar of mustard etc.

So then all I have to do is pick the week, go in and delete anything I have enough of (so I won't want a jar of mustard a week, but if an extra one turns up it's not a catastrophe) and then add the weekly stuff. If I have messed up and forgotten to set up an order it can be done in 2 minutes with zero thought if necessary. It's massively improved the proportion of the time that I end up cooking for because I'm pretty okay at actually doing the cooking as long as the ingredients are there.