Dying alone

[LotteryLoser]

This is going to happen to me. Older sister...we don't get on. Partner 15 years older than me. No friends. One DS who spends most of his time with his girlfriend (understandably) at her family's house.

I am chronically shy and find it almost impossible to get to know and trust people.

It all seems pointless.

No guarantees in life, my younger partner was dead at 36. You do have a partner and a child, many don’t. Your choice if you deem your life pointless or not?

Many people with family and friends die alone. It can be sudden. Not everyone is sat around peoples beds while they die. Not everyone goes like that. Including my mum.

We have very little control over this in many cases it’s really not something to overthink.

You can't predict the future unfortunately. There's no crystal ball. Try and live in the here and now. Look around you and ask yourself what you appreciate. Is your partner supportive?

Most people die alone OP, death is often sudden and unexpected.

Build up your inner resources and emotional or spiritual strengths.

I’m sure if it comes to the point where you are knowingly reaching the end of your life, hopefully through old age, your DS will be around for you. There’s every chance your sister will be, too: plenty of relatives who don’t particularly get on still show up for each other in later life.

And if it’s a sudden and unexpected death then, as other posters have said, plenty of people die alone in those circumstances regardless of whether they have a big family or none, or 1 friend or 100.

It must be hard to be friendless if you don’t want to be, though. Have you thought about addressing the reasons behind why you have no friends and why you find it difficult to make them or keep them? If you’d like friends then that would be a worthwhile thing to do, I imagine?

I can't think of anything worse than my family sitting around my death bed and I've told them I want to die alone

Snap!
I can't bear company for anything painful or sad. I'd rather get through on my own.

My very dear grandmother hung on and hung on for a 10 minute window of privacy to die alone.

We all die alone, really.

Instead of worrying about something that you have little control over, can you invest your time in trying to find a way to make your life more meaningful and enjoyable?

Counselling would be a good start.

As well as doing something creative and/or enjoying other people's creativity via art exhibitions, theatre, concerts, etc.

A friend of mine was widowed early she had 2small children. My husband is 9 years older than me and whilst this didn't matter when we were younger it's started to worry me is he's nearly 70

My DH was only 48. Dad in his 50's.
But death can also come for much younger people. Are you sitting ruminating on it all, @LotteryLoser ? Not a good thing to do.. try to distract yourself. Hugs..

Living alone is much worse than dying alone.

We have very little control over this in many cases it’s really not something to overthink.

This. Wasn't with either of my parents when they died. You just can't foresee or predict when the exact moment will come.

Try to focus on living and not dying. Maybe some CBT would help?

I get quite lonely at times and I have a big loving family.

If I ever needed company I would join a hobby group or do some volunteer work. Maybe help the homeless, soup kitchens etc

I used to work in a hospice.

So many people do this. It’s very common. My mum did the same.

I would also prefer to die on my own. I wouldn't want an audience.

This is so touching and true.
To be optimistic you can strike up meaningful friendships at any time in your life.I've befriended an elderly man who wasn't getting any human contact apart from the delivery driver who brought his groceries every week. He's a refined gentleman who worked in a professional role and was an accomplished sportsman but during COVID he seemed to lose all visitors. I've gained a lot from the friendship and I hope he has also.
Would you consider volunteering for a befriending scheme or a good morning scheme.

Despite a big family and us usually being with her my DGM died alone in the middle of the night. She was very elderly and barely conscious towards the end. She just slipped away.

I think it happens to alot of people but I also believe they don't know. It's what you are and do when you are here that's important and she left a wonderful legacy.

I'd focus on what your life is like (and how you can improve it if you are unhappy).

I'm still young but have no partner (my choice), and when my sons are grown up I expect and hope they'll fly the nest to live their own lives, not stick around for my sake.

Make your life fulfilling. How you die hardly matters, you'll still be dead. How you live is what will make a difference to you and others.

Do you mean literally dying alone, or spending the final few years/decade of your life alone?
I might die alone too.
DH statistically will die first. No kids as we don't want them. I don't get on with my sister either. Plenty of mates, but I'm not one for deep friendships.
It doesn't bother me one bit.
If it's quick - quick enough not to know its happening - then fantastic. If its drawn out, it will (at the very end) be under the care of a medical professional, whose training I would trust.
Having the indignity of loved ones seeing you die, then leaving them devastated, and not being around to know how their own story ends, sounds miserable and stressful to me.

Do you mean literally dying alone, or spending the final few years/decade of your life alone?

For me, it’s the thought of spending my last decade alone. An earlier poster commented that she’s 9 years younger than her partner, and as he approaches 70 this is beginning to worry her. I am 8 years younger than my husband, so I understand her fears.

I should add that this worries me to the point that if, god forbid, any happens to DH, I would rather be in an old folks home than totally alone at home

I'm another whose husband is older. We've always had a good marriage without living in each others pockets. A few years ago I went to stay wuth my parents as my dad was seriously ill. While I was with them DH was admitted to hospital, it was my daughter that told me. When I saw him he looked fine, I spoke to the consultant who told me that he'd almost died and would always need medical care. I was annoyed and upset he hadn't said anything but it made me realise how much I would miss him.

We've already lost a number of friends to illness and accidents so it's something we do think about. Realistically I should out live him but the thought of living on without him is strange. He just says I'll cope and life will go on filled with other things which is probably true.

As you get on it becomes more apparent but let's face it, you can't do anything about it so enjoy the time you have.

I try to remind myself that we’re an aging population, and that if I do find myself alone in old age, there will plenty of others in the same boat?

I wouldn't beat yourself up for feeling this way. It sounds like you think this is an extreme or unreasonable reaction. It's not, it's sensible, when/if the time comes, to position yourself in a situation where care is easily available if it's needed.