How to handle constructive criticism of my parenting from DH

[VadaTheVandriver]

Can anyone advise tried and trusted methods of handling criticism of my parenting from DH?

Every now and again our 5 year old has a tantrum/meltdown and from my DHs POV he does not get the same behaviours from him because he feels he uses different strategies to manage him.

I feel like we have this same conversation every now and again about how he feels I don't always manage the kids well enough. He doesn't want to step in as he feels it undermines my authority. So then I feel extra tense if the kids kick off as I'm worried about what he is thinking of me and how I'm handling this.

I also feel like I don't want to ask DH for help managing the kids if they are misbehaving because then he'll just feel like I can't manage them.

I don't feel like I'm a terrible parent by any measure.. there's definitely some things I do better than others and my DH certainly isn't perfect as well.
How can I get a handle on this situation?

Just to add, this may be an irrational thought and probably me reacting emotionally to the criticism, but sometimes I wish he wasn't around and then even if the kids were kicking off I could get on with managing them without also worrying about what he thinks of me. As he will often just sit there and ignore us all while I try and manage them. It makes me feel so shit.

Have you tried your husband’s strategies? If not, why not? Are they actually any different to what you do? Are they practical for you? Are your H’s expectations realistic? Or is he expecting too much from a small child? Not every technique works well for every parent.

Yes some of his strategies work and some do not. Distraction works for him but for some reason not for me. I do fall into bad habits when stressed so there are things that need to be pointed out.

Trouble is it sounds like he can’t win here. If he was to take over and manage the situation you might feel
undermined (and that’s probably why he sits there and doesn’t interfere). Have you tried using his strategies?

What are the different approaches/strategies you both use?

I think it's quite common for kids to behave differently for different parents. And I don't think you have to parent identically to each other as long as you are broadly consistent/agree on basic rules and expectations.

I think he wants tantrums/upset over and done with quickly whereas sometimes I feel like the kids need to feel their feelings and let it run it's course.

Who actually does most of the child management day to day? It's easy to say x/y/z works for me when all they are doing is the fun stuff and none of the drudge.

Yeah I think you're right.

I'm being a bit of a baby here and having a moan..I think I need to toughen up and just get on with it 😆

Thing is, I don't feel like I can ever have a normal moan about how the kids are hard work because I feel like he thinks I should just manage them better. Maybe he just got fed up of me moaning. Parenting is a lonely job sometimes.

And if I get upset when he's telling me what I'm doing wrong then he gets annoyed that I can't handle the criticism. I feel like I can't win here. I am genuinely trying to be better but I feel like I just have to 'take it ' and not get emotional or defend myself. It's so hard. I need a thicker skin..

Does he ever give you praise?

Really the best is to have a united front. You are going to have different strategies - you are different people and also children always know that.
So supporting each other is a good aim.
Maybe come up with an agreed strategy to deal with tantrums. If this is a point of conflict. I used to ignore - particularly if distraction didn’t work. Sometimes they just need a cuddle. But not always.

He sounds a bit annoying tbh. I think he needs to keep his criticisms to himself a bit more!

He would get right on my nerves.
Sounds like he’s of the opinion he’s the perfect bloody parent and you are just his apprentice. I would be telling him to sod of.

Tell him to pack it in, as his time will come

He's not your boss or your teacher and Im willing to be he's not perfect.

Why does he think it's his place to criticise you?

Tell him to fuck off and keep his opinions to himself. You do it your way, he does it his

I don't understand why him not step in when you are struggling is undermining your authority. Only thing he need to do is back you up. As pp said, united front and backing you up should come to him naturally, rather than him watching you struggle and criticise afterwards.

One thing I'd say is that my DS is far more of a nightmare for me than DH. It's not because DH has better strategies at all, it's because DS spends more time with me and is more secure in his attachment with me and so pushes boundaries more. I totally get that it makes me look like the 'worse' parent and I'm sure DH thinks that sometimes but I think it's important to see it in context.

Another thing to add - probably not a popular view on here but I wouldn't be mad on distraction, making things a game etc as a tactic to use every time. Sure it makes things quicker, but ultimately they do need to learn that they need to get their shoes on to get to school on time etc.

This is a bit of a hard one to answer without knowing the context.

What exactly does he think you’re doing “wrong”?

Is he generally critical about other things?

How do you decide who deals with things when you’re both there? Or is it always you?

Does he look after the children on his own? Does he do daily routine stuff dressing bathing feeding etc or is he as he feels like it?

OP, is this thread about how to handle your kids better, or is it really about your critical DP and how anxious, stressed and alone he makes you feel?

I think....the second one. And there's definitely a communication issue here.

I guess I'm struggling with the question of whether he's right about me and I just need to get it right more often or whether there's deeper issues here. Probably halfway between the two.

OP, I agree with you that sometimes kids need to have a bit of a meltdown and feel their feelings. There's obviously a careful line to tread between allowing them their feelings and allowing their feelings to dictate everything, but I
I don't think it's healthy if they are constantly distracted from any negative feelings.

I also agree with PP above that making everything a game isn't always practical and sometimes they do just need to do what they've been asked. At school teachers aren't going to have time to make everything a game etc.

Why is he watching you managing them? Are there situations where you are both there but somehow you are the one who has to calm things down?
Or do you mean that the interactions are between you and DC and he doesn't want to step in to undermine you? (I would understand that if it was being done from a good place).
Why don't you ask him to spend the day managing all the tantrums without you getting involved and you can watch him and see what works well?
I also used to get more bad behaviour from mine when they were little than DH, but kids sometimes need times where they can push boundaries, and I got a whole lot more good behaviour as well over the years.