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Original poster

Why can’t I sustain friendships?

33 replies

Random102 · 13/02/2023 18:18

I’m a busy mum of 2 kids, we do play dates, I go to fitness and dance classes, I joined the PTA.

I have plenty of people I see on the school run, all are friendly. Happy for a chat. We meet up at toddler groups sometimes with the little ones. However we never do anything socially as adults.

However none of them are really friends. I feel like it’s always me putting the effort in to making and sustaining friendships. Always me texting first, me asking people to meet up etc. If I didn’t do anything I bet it would be months before anyone spoke to me, or asked me to go out, if they did at all.

I just want a few friends who I feel put as much effort in to me as I do them. I’ve always found it the same, I have very very few friends, just loads of acquaintances.

It’s really starting to get me down now and I feel quite lonely and is if I’m not worth being friends with.

Can anyone relate?

OP posts:
MrsaJ1982 · 13/02/2023 18:21

I can totally relate to this. My entire life I’ve felt like I only have friends when I’m of use to people then as soon as I stop doing favours or even something simple as having a different opinion or perspective of something they’re gone.

Original poster
Random102 · 13/02/2023 18:37

MrsaJ1982 · 13/02/2023 18:21

I can totally relate to this. My entire life I’ve felt like I only have friends when I’m of use to people then as soon as I stop doing favours or even something simple as having a different opinion or perspective of something they’re gone.

Yep that sounds familiar. I would do anything for anyone, I don’t know if that’s the problem. I’m a doormat and people use me as one. But then if I wasn’t being nice trying to help people I wouldn’t have any social interaction at all!

OP posts:
Pipersouth · 13/02/2023 18:39

I’m the same you want people to want to spend time with you not out of sight out of mind

Emilia35 · 13/02/2023 18:41

I definitely relate. I don't know if it's something wrong with me, or if everyone else already has their group of close friends and are unwilling to make any new ones. I suspect it's a bit of both.

MrsaJ1982 · 13/02/2023 18:41

I don’t get it either. How do other people manage to make friends? The kind of friends that want to invite you to night outs etc?
I see people who i personally don’t really like and they have tons of friends but I’ve not really had any life long friendships.

ChicCroissant · 13/02/2023 18:42

I have found more success making friends through hobby-type groups and classes - it means that you have something in common to start off with. So I'd keep chatting to the people in the dance and fitness classes.

IWineAndDontDine · 13/02/2023 18:50

For me, I found it really hard to break down the barrier between mum friend and actual friend. It helps by branching out into non-playdate activities. Invite them round for dinner with partners. Ask a bunch of mums if they fancy some group drinks one evening? Then slowly the barriers will dissolve

Original poster
Random102 · 13/02/2023 19:35

Another issue is that my DH isn’t sociable and so would never do dinner for couples etc. He isn’t sociable with me either but that’s a whole other thread.

@IWineAndDontDine I’m sure if I asked I might be able to scrape a few together for drinks. But my issue is that after this they just disappear. They don’t put any effort into sustaining the friendship and it’s always me doing the asking.

OP posts:
IWineAndDontDine · 13/02/2023 19:53

Random102 · 13/02/2023 19:35

Another issue is that my DH isn’t sociable and so would never do dinner for couples etc. He isn’t sociable with me either but that’s a whole other thread.

@IWineAndDontDine I’m sure if I asked I might be able to scrape a few together for drinks. But my issue is that after this they just disappear. They don’t put any effort into sustaining the friendship and it’s always me doing the asking.

Yeah that can be very frustrating. Have you tried a hobby to meet likeminded people? Yoga? Running? Sewing?

Original poster
Random102 · 13/02/2023 19:54

IWineAndDontDine · 13/02/2023 19:53

Yeah that can be very frustrating. Have you tried a hobby to meet likeminded people? Yoga? Running? Sewing?

Show quote history

I’ve just started running but am not good enough to join a group yet. Maybe by the summer time I will be.

Not really much time for any more hobbies, 2 DC and a DH who works a lot so I’m stuck at home.

I work alone too so limited social interaction there.

OP posts:
fourplusfour · 13/02/2023 19:55

Wish I knew the answer to this one too. I have never been able to develop friendships outside the initial groups and always feel like I'm the sole instigator anytime I do get to meet up for coffee or whatever. My (adult) daughter is the same and it breaks my heart to see how limited her social circle is.

IWineAndDontDine · 13/02/2023 19:56

Random102 · 13/02/2023 19:54

I’ve just started running but am not good enough to join a group yet. Maybe by the summer time I will be.

Not really much time for any more hobbies, 2 DC and a DH who works a lot so I’m stuck at home.

I work alone too so limited social interaction there.

Show quote history

There are all kinds of levels of running in most groups. Some are faster and some are behind doing more of a power walk 😁 maybe join your local community group and see what's going on there?

TheOrangeOrange · 13/02/2023 20:03

Organise a Christmas/Easter/Summer break 'mums night out' - a meal and a few drinks. It's a good way of getting to know each other outside of the playground

SunshineAndFizz · 13/02/2023 20:03

They might already have a friendship group(s) and just don't have the capacity for new friends.

I've had some 'mum friends' arrange things, they're not from the area whereas I am. I struggle to find time to see my closet friends I've had for years, never mind making new ones. I really try though as they're lovely.

Target the mums who aren't from around your area. Don't be put off. Keep being lovely, don't be dishearten if not everyone reciprocates, but eventually someone will.

FallonofDynasty · 13/02/2023 20:18

I wouldn't be too disheartened. Some people are always the ones who suggest things.
Agree , it probably is easier to get to know people through a hobby.
Would you consider a new job that was not 100% wfh?

stayathomer · 13/02/2023 20:26

The biggest hugs op. I will say at the school gates people are all in different places- they have jobs, multiple kids of different ages and friends and family they might not get to see a lot. It’s not you, it’s probably more circumstance. I chat to people at the school gates and they say about going for coffee but I work during the week, and weekends don’t work. I feel like I’m letting people down but I barely have time to blink myself!

stayathomer · 13/02/2023 20:32

I meant to say weekends don’t work for me!

River82 · 13/02/2023 20:37

Join a meetup group. It takes the pressure off organising things. I go once a week and made some really decent friends.

My normal friends are less available with work and study. I went to meet people who wanted nights out.

Original poster
Random102 · 13/02/2023 20:43

FallonofDynasty · 13/02/2023 20:18

I wouldn't be too disheartened. Some people are always the ones who suggest things.
Agree , it probably is easier to get to know people through a hobby.
Would you consider a new job that was not 100% wfh?

I don’t work from home, but I work 1:1 with vulnerable people and only see my team for meetings once every 6 weeks. The conversation with my clients is obviously limited.

OP posts:
Original poster
Random102 · 13/02/2023 20:45

Thanks everyone, there are some good ideas there.

I guess I’m just feeling disheartened and like there is no point pursuing new friendships if they treat me the same way my current ones do.

OP posts:
Findyourneutralspace · 13/02/2023 20:48

I think it takes years for those friendships to form. However, they all have to start somewhere. It’s easier at school or college because you are thrown together day in day out, and go through a lot together, but if you keep on making connections and taking an interest they will develop.
I think patience is the key. You aren’t going to meet someone at run club and be in their pocket next week. Be yourself and be a good friend. Take an interest. It will pay off. It just takes time. A good few years really.

Cinecitta · 13/02/2023 20:57

Gyms and fitness classes are not the best places for finding friends. Most people have a limited amount of time to do their workouts in these places and they can’t fit socialising into that. If you see people talking or being buddies in the gym, they often already knew each other before hitting the gym/yoga class together. I personally would find it annoying if anyone tried to chat to me during my workout when I am very focused on my session and afterwards I have to leave because of my other commitments, so it’s a no-no. (at least to me, maybe others welcome it)

School-mum friendships…hmmmm…I would be cautious of that. Schoolgate mums are very cliquey and can be bitchy so it’s best to be polite but I would generally stay away. Just read Mumsnet on a regular basis and you’ll know what I mean. Schoolparent friendships are kinda artificial anyway, they form for the sake of the children and once the kids leave school they tend to disintegrate.

ThisModernLove · 13/02/2023 21:09

I don’t know how to write this without sounding like a knob 🤣

I find it fairly easy to make friends - I have lots of people I like spending time with and chatting to.
I’m fairly open, say what’s going on for me etc. Invite people round freely, my house is a bit of a mess generally.. if I like someone I ask if they fancy a wine sometime, I’m not hugely hung up on who invites who and if a connection isn’t working for whatever reason (feeling irritated etc) I take a break for a bit.

if you’re looking for deep connections because you’re lonely it’s going to be harder because it takes time and isn’t common. I think it’s better to aim for a wider group you enjoy the company of but with less attached to the outcome.

Led9519 · 13/02/2023 21:24

I’m trying to move back near family for this reason. I’m on maternity leave currently and generally don’t see anyone in the day. I do a few baby classes but they always seem at odds with naps/feeds etc and the mums don’t really chat.
I’ve joined peanut which is an app to make other mum friends and am organising a buggy walk for people. It works quite well when I’ve done it before because baby is ok and you get to chat! Everyone on there is looking for friends which helps a lot already. I’m naturally an introvert though and do get exhausted being the organiser/host/putting myself out there. But introverts need friends too!
I have a school age child too but find the mums stick with who they knew locally on maternity leave or just don’t have the time. They work a 5 day week at the weekends are kids clubs and family time so they don’t socialize much. Which is what I’ll be back to after maternity. It’s really tricky.

Whattodo121 · 13/02/2023 21:37

All my closest friendships have formed due to spending a huge amount of time together, day in day out (school, university, college, the workplace) and then I’ve stayed in touch with them as our lives have moved on. We’ve lived where we currently do for 15 years now and I have many friendly acquaintances and a few ‘coffee/lunch’ friends but I haven’t made any deep and meaningful friendships casually. It’s always been a shared interest and shared experiences that create the foundations.

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