Why can’t I sustain friendships?

[Random102]

I’m a busy mum of 2 kids, we do play dates, I go to fitness and dance classes, I joined the PTA.

I have plenty of people I see on the school run, all are friendly. Happy for a chat. We meet up at toddler groups sometimes with the little ones. However we never do anything socially as adults.

However none of them are really friends. I feel like it’s always me putting the effort in to making and sustaining friendships. Always me texting first, me asking people to meet up etc. If I didn’t do anything I bet it would be months before anyone spoke to me, or asked me to go out, if they did at all.

I just want a few friends who I feel put as much effort in to me as I do them. I’ve always found it the same, I have very very few friends, just loads of acquaintances.

It’s really starting to get me down now and I feel quite lonely and is if I’m not worth being friends with.

Can anyone relate?

You can’t force a friendship - they develop naturally over time due to shared experiences- work school uni - most people will already have their friends and may not want any more - I don’t have any mum friendships at all

Parkrun is joinable at any level and has a strong social side for a coffee etc afterwards - more likely to make friends through this than fitness classes or at school gates I think.

You may need to start again and go slow, frustrating I know

Just came across this article from Guardian: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/feb/13/i-was-feeling-anxious-and-an-imposter-then-my-buddy-said-judge-yourself-by-your-friends

People come and people go. With different life and different experiences, it's as hard to make friends as to keep old friends. But some do stay in your life, even though you are not necessarily be in touch every day/month.

Story of my life, I don't think I even have any real friends - most people I've befriended since having my eldest daughter, usually never text or want to meet up, unless I bump into them on the street and have idle awkward chat. With my 2nd daughter I have started to attend mother and baby groups on Thursdays but the women there are not really socially minded, some are really awkward even when I initiate chat and it's hard to forge a friendship beyond the group. Tbh im getting older and getting to the point where I cba with friendships as sad as it seems my kids, my mum and partner are my biggest supporters and I'll keep on striving for them if anything.

Same. I've not made enough effort though, I never ask people over. Little spare time and energy. Don't like where I live, so probably look miserable (resting bitch face and all that). I'm good friend material, nothing annoying about me (that I know of) but I work from home, which is a social life killer. It's just not the right time for me, the children are too young, I don't have anyone to babysit, also had some real shits of friends in the past (think coming onto my bf, now DH). The list goes on.
MN is great because I know there are others similar to me, I can chat about different things. I did look on peanut but my area is crap for meetups.
I like the hobby idea it's just getting the time.

I second this. I’ve moved here and I’ve realised that all the people I’ve grown close to have also moved here. Im friendly with people who always lived here but they’re not actively looking for new close friends.

Close friendships take lots of time and often an unexpected or challenging event where the friendship deepens because of the situation. I’ve sometimes found that I’ve put myself out there and been friendly to a couple of people and we’ve gone out altogether because they’ve all made an individual connection with me… and then they go off and get ever closer and leave me behind!
I treat it the same way as I do applying for jobs. I scattergun out interest and put the effort into being the one who puts themselves out by making the plans. Most the time it doesn’t go further than having some nice times together. Very occasionally it has.
Running is a great way to meet people well in week out and you’ve got a ready topic of conversation to get things started. I would join a running club now. One that’s beginner friendly - most are but not all. Also parkrun is a great way to see familiar faces week in week out in a low pressure way.

It might also be the phase of life you’re in. My DH and I barely find time to socialise with each other right now.

Hi OP. I just saw your thread after I posted something similar and wanted to give you a big hug. I know it’s only been about six weeks since you posted but wondered if you’d had any further thoughts or reflections?

Hi! Thinks have been a bit better for me since I posted. I’ve slowly got closer with a Mum friend but it is still me doing all the organising.

I think part of the problem is me. I’m so desperate for some real friends who want to spend time with me that I double think every social interaction.

I’m making peace with things at the minute. I do have some friends, and if people genuinely didn’t want to spend time with me they would say no. I just have to accept that the friendships often mean more to me than they do the other person and that’s just because of who I am.