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Original poster

Anyone else really wanted 4dc but stopped at 3?

41 replies

Codlingmoths · 13/02/2023 05:35

Or had 4 and actually wish you’d stuck to 3? My heart wants 4, but I know it would be a slog getting through the next few years and I’m almost 40. Most importantly of course Dh is happy with 3, but also it will be expensive of course and impact holidays and overall wealth. Tell me 3 will be fine and that I won’t always feel like something is missing! For context, dh does a fair amount of parenting and we both work full time; I earn slightly more so I’m not asking him to bankroll the family, finances are joint. But I expect him to put in equally to family life so I appreciate he thinks that’s enough effort already, it is a lot. I respect that if that is how he feels then we are stopping at 3, I’m just struggling to get my head around it.

I know this is a privileged problem to have. I know people have struggled for years and not managed to have any. Nonetheless we have been enormously blessed to have the dc we have and this is the issue I am now dealing with and asking for input on.

OP posts:
CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 13/02/2023 05:51

I'm 40 and I have 4, we could afford my 4th though so it wasn't an issue. DH would have had another but another would massively impact our finances and I'm happy to stop at 4.

mumoffourminimes · 13/02/2023 05:56

We were in a similar situation, my heart yearned for the 4th, DH was happy with 3. For 4 years the feelings didn't subside at all and we've just had our 4th. No regrets here.

Original poster
Codlingmoths · 13/02/2023 05:56

I should be clear, we can afford 4. We will be surrounded by many families who are better off but they probably would mostly be anyway, we are in a fairly well off area. We have 3 bedrooms (well, 4 but I use one as a study for wfh), and a 7 seater car. So we could definitely do it if we wanted. Holidays would be impacted, and general daily costs would have to be monitored. We would send them to private schools also so that’s obviously a load but I think doable. That’s why it’s so hard for me to accept that it won’t happen! I just feel it would complete the family, we wouldn’t have a middle child anymore, it wouldn’t be the big 2 and the baby, they’d be able to pair off…

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Original poster
Codlingmoths · 13/02/2023 06:24

Congratulations @mumoffourminimes ! I don’t have any minimes yet, maybe that’s part of the problem :D ours are all identical little dhs!

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Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 13/02/2023 06:24

it wouldn’t be the big 2 and the baby, they’d be able to pair off…

Depending on the age gaps, these relationships are likely to change. Dc3 traditionally got on better with both dc 1 and dc2 than dc1 and 2 got on with each other. Once they all hit teenage years they get on really well as a three. I am not sure how being a four would work, I think there would be more likely to be splitting. Do remember that university costs will come after school costs so will extend the period you will need to pay and teenagers are much more reluctant to share than younger children. I think the decision to have four is one you both need to make for yourselves and recognise that it will not automatically enhance your existing children's lives.

mybunniesandme · 13/02/2023 06:29

I have an eldest then twins....I'd have loved to have had a 4th if I could

Ending on an "even" just sounds good doesn't it - hotel rooms and so on 😂

Original poster
Codlingmoths · 13/02/2023 07:01

Very sensible @Unexpecteddrivinginstructor. We would plan for all the dc to have their own rooms before dc1 is 16, so dc2 would be 13 then.

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Fooshufflewickjbannanapants · 13/02/2023 07:14

We had another to even up as it were he was born very early, has cerebral palsy, hydrocephalus, bowel issues, asd etc etc he is loved beyond compare BUT it isn't what we planned. I wouldn't change things for the world but I wish it had been on my radar as a realistic possibility.

Original poster
Codlingmoths · 13/02/2023 07:38

That is on my radar Foo with my age, to be realistic about things. It sounds like you’ve all handled it really well with your much loved 4th child 😊

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Remmy123 · 13/02/2023 07:43

So they won't have their own rooms? How wii that work when they are teenagers?

I have 3, two are teens now and it's tough and expensive when they are older.

we are looking at a nice all inc abroad and it's 6k not even 5 star

they all have their own rooms thankfully

4 would have been manic and I would have been able to go back to work - I can now

your husband doesn't sound keen so do webt sound like its an option

Original poster
Codlingmoths · 13/02/2023 07:56

@Remmy123 they will have their own rooms down the track, by the time dc1 is 16 (and dc2 13). That won’t change with having 3 or 4, we will just upgrade to however many rooms we need.

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Meandfour · 13/02/2023 08:00

Ohh I felt the same as you and I went for it. DH has also wanted 4 though and they have their own rooms so somewhat of an easier decision.

ThatshallotBaby · 13/02/2023 08:06

I have 3 and wanted 4. It was age that stopped me. Though romantically I would have loved another child, realistically 3 really is enough. Dd had horrific teenage years, which nearly broke us. I spent a lot of time and effort protecting the younger two, but inevitably the focus was all on her. I think three is a big family. But there again, I know I would have had another one if I’d been young enough. My youngest is now 13 and I don’t hanker anymore, the feeling does go.

Euchariahere · 13/02/2023 08:10

I think the answer is obvious and I'm unsure why you don't understand this. Your partner doesn't want any more. So that brings the end to this matter

mumoffourminimes · 13/02/2023 08:11

I'd upgrade the house as a priority before thinking about private schooling op. But we are lucky to have a nice village school to send ours to.
We have 5bedrooms/4 kids

Euchariahere · 13/02/2023 08:16

Sorry just re read. You understand that's it but struggling with the idea. All I can suggest is thinking about the positives rather than focusing on not having the fourth child you want. Also consider if you did get the fourth how would you feel if baby was born with a disability or special need? You understand that at age 40 your risks increase substantially and by that I mean both obstetric (maternal-you) and neonatal. The fourth would be a huge pressure even if you can financially afford it. The family dynamic would change and not necessarily for the better. I think the truth is this, its natural for you at this stage to feel rather desperate for another child. It's biological. You are coming to the end of your fertile years. In time it's very likely this feeling will go away.

marchella · 13/02/2023 08:21

I went the 4th with an 11 year gap. Worked out perfect for us , but I think we were lucky. COnsidered a 5th ( so DC would have a sibling of a similar age) but decided against it as I thought I was pushing my luck as would have been at least 43 when they were born. Still kind of regret it, but also don't as DC is so easy, it's kind of like having an only as the gap is so huge .
Oh and yes the teenage years can be hell as a pp mentioned. Like utter hell. No matter how lovely they were before. Some are fine and some are horrendous. And sometimes it;s the friends.

Whatames · 13/02/2023 08:28

Really similar situation; had 3 and wanted 4 but decided 3 was enough and the feeling went. Then an unexpected pregnancy at 42 has just given us our 4th. Just a word of warning though….I’ve just had my 4th daughter so don’t pin your hopes on a different gender!

Original poster
Codlingmoths · 13/02/2023 08:28

@Euchariahere sort of. I think it’s probably it but need to talk to Dh. It’s not clear if he’s absolutely done or would be happy with 3 but could be talked into 4. I don’t think it would be sensible to convince him either really I guess. So I’m convincing myself not to convince him…
I know what you mean about biological but I always wanted 4. I would say 3 or 4 when talking to other people to be practical but really I always wanted 4.

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Zola1 · 13/02/2023 08:35

We have 4 and its a lot, like a military operation 🤣. Ages much closer than yours though (12, 8, 4, 2). Holidays are a pain, whether abroad or trying to get a room somewhere like alton towers Hotel. That's probably the biggest drawback for us, everything else is fine. They do often split into pairs but more often 12/2 and 4/8

MandeeMore · 13/02/2023 08:44

We have 4, though my eldest is with ex DP, so spend a fair bit of time with just 3.

I adore them all, but life is undoubtably easier and so, so much cheaper with just three.

Original poster
Codlingmoths · 13/02/2023 08:47

MandeeMore · 13/02/2023 08:44

We have 4, though my eldest is with ex DP, so spend a fair bit of time with just 3.

I adore them all, but life is undoubtably easier and so, so much cheaper with just three.

That is what I need to hear! Googling 3 children vS 4 turns up a lot of links saying 4 is easier so I think what if we did have a 4th and it was SO MUCH EASIER?? We’d be crazy not to right?! 😁

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marchella · 13/02/2023 08:53

Whatames · 13/02/2023 08:28

Really similar situation; had 3 and wanted 4 but decided 3 was enough and the feeling went. Then an unexpected pregnancy at 42 has just given us our 4th. Just a word of warning though….I’ve just had my 4th daughter so don’t pin your hopes on a different gender!

SO true! 4 boyos here.

Sunshineparasol · 13/02/2023 09:32

From what I've seen of friends in their mid-late 40s, the baby fever wears off. I've seen friends who had 2 who were desperate for a 3rd that didn't happen be very grateful they didn't have the 3rd by their late 40s and are happy to have only had 2. Same for a friend who had 3, desperate for a 4th, also v grateful they didn't do it. That friend had 3 DSs, and wanted a last shot for a DD. They talk about how the desire for a DD was at its height back in the baby (or fertile) days, especially seeing other people get a DD, feeling like they were missing out, but now the DSs are older (and very lovely kids) and the fertile days came to an end, it just lessened. She also said looking back, with 3 older DSs already, even if she'd had a DD for the 4th (and that somehow felt unlikely) she'd have been too busy to enjoy it in the way she'd have wanted to originally. I know of another mum who had 2 DDs and a DS and wanted a 4th to even things up. Her last child, a DS, had serious disabilities and will never live independently. The mum's life is all about taking him for appointments and taking care of him. All the family love him but she did not envisage it when she wanted a 4th.

Kids need a lot of time and attention and it gets harder to split that between more kids. People think the tough years are the toddler/primary school years but in truth it never really stops. As kids get older, they have more hobbies, interests, need taking around to different activities, need emotional support managing friendships, need practical support managing schoolwork and activities, need to feel like an individual etc and it's a hard juggle to make sure things work well. It isn't just about the practicalities or finances of having their own rooms or being able to afford holidays. It's about the parenting energy available per child, especially when combined with the menopause years. There's also no guarantees that 4 DCs will pair off neatly just because there's an even number. Fractions aren't relevant when it comes to personalities.

TLDR: from what I've seen, as soon as the fertile years dwindle so does the desire for more babies or DCs to take care of.

Purplepurse · 13/02/2023 09:44

I wanted 4. Lost a 4th pregnancy. Decided my body was telling me something and stuck at 3. Now they are all adults I realise how that extra one would have made life quite a struggle. The teenage years are full on, so much driving around clubs, school activities, being there for them all. I worked 3 jobs to help them through uni and we considered ourselves reasonably well off. Think carefully.