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Original poster

Anyone else really wanted 4dc but stopped at 3?

41 replies

Codlingmoths · 13/02/2023 05:35

Or had 4 and actually wish you’d stuck to 3? My heart wants 4, but I know it would be a slog getting through the next few years and I’m almost 40. Most importantly of course Dh is happy with 3, but also it will be expensive of course and impact holidays and overall wealth. Tell me 3 will be fine and that I won’t always feel like something is missing! For context, dh does a fair amount of parenting and we both work full time; I earn slightly more so I’m not asking him to bankroll the family, finances are joint. But I expect him to put in equally to family life so I appreciate he thinks that’s enough effort already, it is a lot. I respect that if that is how he feels then we are stopping at 3, I’m just struggling to get my head around it.

I know this is a privileged problem to have. I know people have struggled for years and not managed to have any. Nonetheless we have been enormously blessed to have the dc we have and this is the issue I am now dealing with and asking for input on.

OP posts:

Decafflatteplease · 13/02/2023 10:16

We have 4. It's wonderful but hard work! Having said that though one of ours is disabled so it's extra hard. I'm a SAHM/full time carer, I don't know how we would cope if I worked. We are in a 3 bed though but looking to either extend or move in the next couple of years. I think moving might actually be cheaper 😂

TomatoSandwiches · 13/02/2023 11:37

3 is too many already imo and yes I have 3.

What if number 4 become 4 + 5? That would be utter hell, especially if your DH was only just about OK with 4.

Personally I wouldn't.

shell856 · 13/02/2023 19:47

Sunshineparasol · 13/02/2023 09:32

From what I've seen of friends in their mid-late 40s, the baby fever wears off. I've seen friends who had 2 who were desperate for a 3rd that didn't happen be very grateful they didn't have the 3rd by their late 40s and are happy to have only had 2. Same for a friend who had 3, desperate for a 4th, also v grateful they didn't do it. That friend had 3 DSs, and wanted a last shot for a DD. They talk about how the desire for a DD was at its height back in the baby (or fertile) days, especially seeing other people get a DD, feeling like they were missing out, but now the DSs are older (and very lovely kids) and the fertile days came to an end, it just lessened. She also said looking back, with 3 older DSs already, even if she'd had a DD for the 4th (and that somehow felt unlikely) she'd have been too busy to enjoy it in the way she'd have wanted to originally. I know of another mum who had 2 DDs and a DS and wanted a 4th to even things up. Her last child, a DS, had serious disabilities and will never live independently. The mum's life is all about taking him for appointments and taking care of him. All the family love him but she did not envisage it when she wanted a 4th.

Kids need a lot of time and attention and it gets harder to split that between more kids. People think the tough years are the toddler/primary school years but in truth it never really stops. As kids get older, they have more hobbies, interests, need taking around to different activities, need emotional support managing friendships, need practical support managing schoolwork and activities, need to feel like an individual etc and it's a hard juggle to make sure things work well. It isn't just about the practicalities or finances of having their own rooms or being able to afford holidays. It's about the parenting energy available per child, especially when combined with the menopause years. There's also no guarantees that 4 DCs will pair off neatly just because there's an even number. Fractions aren't relevant when it comes to personalities.

TLDR: from what I've seen, as soon as the fertile years dwindle so does the desire for more babies or DCs to take care of.

Reading this has been so helpful to me, thank you!

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oopswhatdoido · 13/02/2023 19:55

I would go for it if you can convince DH. I kind of regret not having another when dc3 was younger. He's nearly 9 now, his brothers are 13/14 and he's left at home a lot on his own now as they don't want to do anything with us anymore! I have play dates for him all the time which I never had to do with the others!

DatasCat · 13/02/2023 20:00

My DM would have loved a fourth child - she said she always felt I was brought up a bit like an only child thanks to the age gap between me and my siblings. But I was lucky to pull through after severe Rhesus incompatibility (using the then cutting edge amniocentesis and early delivery). The later treatments came a bit too late to benefit her, and she couldn’t risk another pregnancy. (Also, we weren’t that flush as a family anyway. Money went on school fees and the mortgage at 1980s interest rates. )

TheaBrandt · 13/02/2023 20:07

Sunshine’s post is very wise and mirrors my own anecdotal experience totally. The baby fever is hormonal and wears off. By late 40s with teens pretty much everyone I know is really glad they stopped at 2 myself included. Those with 3 are run ragged and pretty much over it by the time the third is mid teens. I don’t know anyone with 4 can’t imagine why you would put yourself through it.

Original poster

Codlingmoths · 13/02/2023 21:40

TheaBrandt · 13/02/2023 20:07

I know lots with 4 and they manage very well!

OP posts:

KangarooKenny · 13/02/2023 21:43

I wanted 4 but DH wanted to stop at 3. Now my youngest is going to Uni this time I’m glad I’ve not got another still to go.

Endofmytetherfinally · 13/02/2023 21:51

I think you have to respect his POV. You can ask if he'd like 4 but no point trying to convince him. My partner has always been explicit he wants 2. I've always said I'd like 3 but totally understand logistically 2 is easier especially in a 3 bed.

We're 12 weeks away from her birth and he's already been clear this is it. Which helps because I'm trying to enjoy the pregnancy and birth and baby years as much as possible knowing its almost certainly the last time.

I wouldn't even consider a 4th without having a big enough house that everyone has their own rooms. Also it's great you can afford it now but what if circumstances change. 4 kids in private school would require a huge amount in savings if one of you lost your job to maintain.

Shopper727 · 13/02/2023 22:06

I have 4 21-11 I’m 44 so my youngest 2 were born in my early 30’s youngest is Asd/adhd and a lot of work a true delight but I’m knackered and I love having 4. It was full on when they were young and all needed entertainment and taking out/ activities etc gets easier as they get older and go out with friends it’s a busy house. I don’t regret having 4 though. But I think if I had been 39/40 I wouldn’t have planned for no4 but I was 31 and had a lot more energy than I do now. I didn’t want to be in my 50’s with primary school children tbh.

that’s just my take on things and what I feel/wanted at the time. If it’s right for you and your dh agrees then why not? You know how much you can cope with, but it is tough and sometimes you think time goes past in a blur it’s so busy, but it’s also happy and chaotic and noisy - mine are all boys.

sodonewithit2 · 14/02/2023 13:55

I feel the same but with 2 and wanting a 3rd.

Unfortunately I just don't think in the current climate we could afford a 3rd x

Caszekey · 14/02/2023 13:59

I'm 41, kids are 7, 3 and 3. I'd have a 4th if we had a bigger house and a bit more money. But then I'm aware I'm also craving something I didn't get from having my boys and I know a third pregnancy couldn't guarantee.

Eldest was poorly, so poorly and in and out of hospital for 18 months. Then twins. I just want one, juicy, healthy baby on their own to enjoy that post natal period with.

I also feel like a 4th would kinda bookend the kids, but DH is 48 this year and about to have a vasectomy so...

Panicmode1 · 14/02/2023 14:07

We have four. I love it, but it is tough - especially the teen years, both emotionally and financially. Holidays, cars, uni fees, school clubs and instrument lessons, school trips, driving lessons, tech, phones, clothes and shoes as they grow like weeds! Uni costs are expensive (tho less of an issue if you are going to educate 4 privately: even with a very healthy household income, that just wasn't possible - they went to grammar schools).

I wouldn't change having had 4, but it's hard work, and I do think the youngest perhaps missed out a bit, although he was the only child I was at home for - I gave up my professional career after #4 was born and now work very part time in a far less lucrative job.....think carefully!

IndeedDanielJackson · 14/02/2023 14:23

I would agree to think very carefully. We discussed having a 4th and decided not to on the grounds of money and space and need for a bigger car etc. Then discovered I was pregnant about 6 months later! Honestly I love them all but the teen years are so much harder than I ever imagined, we are still in a too small house and money is tight.

Also the age gap between 3 and 4 is bigger and as someone mentioned above I organise a lot more playdates for dd2 as she is often on her own.

Any broodiness I may have had has been seen off since I hit my 40s and my biggest struggle at the moment is that my older 3 are in a very different phase of life and I almost resent still dealing with primary school stuff for dd2.

Original poster

Codlingmoths · 14/02/2023 21:04

I have been very lucky to have two boys and then a girl so it’s not gender driving it. It’s just this feeling 🤷‍♀️ 4 in private schools and a big mortgage will be a bit of pressure for sure. We save extra for education but of course am hoping not to have to draw on it. I’m in australia in a big city here, so uni fees are not a thing, they are covered by govt loans, and I expect they would stay living at home until they felt able to move out.

OP posts:

MargaretThursday · 14/02/2023 22:22

Me! I always wanted 4. DH said no more than 3 because that fitted in a conventional car.
I thought I'd be desperate for a 4th, but found I haven't been. I've had occasions when I've had a little wish, but I suspect I might have had a little wish for 5 if I'd had 4. :)

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