Are well-behaved children confident or do children gain confidence from pushing boundaries?

[AGoldenNarwhal]

There have been a couple of threads on here today which have made me wonder about this, so I'm interested in people's views.

If you had a child who, when younger, would sit and colour in or chat nicely in restaurants without any issues, could sit still for long periods, rarely caused any problems in the classroom, wasn't loud or annoying and was generally very easy to take anywhere and you could be sure that they would behave, have they developed to be happy and confident, and comfortable with putting themselves forward and fighting their corner where necessary?

Likewise, if your child was the type who had trouble sitting still, fidgeted constantly, pushed boundaries, made lots of noise and generally took up space, how have they turned out?

I have one of each type but mine are still very young. I'm particularly interested in the experiences of parents with older/grown-up children.

I have one of each, both now adults. To look at them you might assume the louder more pushy child was more confident than the calm easy-going child but in reality my quiet calm child is also intractable and knows her own mind. As an adult she is quietly confident and not easily led. The noisy child is still a noisy adult and will freely admit she often uses this as a cover when she lacks confidence. Does that make sense?

Both mine have always been well behaved I suppose (although they have both had their moments). One is very confident and the other is certainly not

DS is nearly 15. He's always been chilled out, never been in trouble at school, hardly been any bother at all, was taking him for meals out as a toddler and he'd happily sit playing with his trains or colouring etc. He has been a chatter box from the moment he could speak.

He's a very confident teen, will stand up for himself and his friends when he needs to but not in an aggressive way. He's still pretty chilled out, not having many "teen" problems as of yet. That could all change though, we'll see. He's an only child at home, with four half siblings at his dad's, although only two of them live there. I don't know if being an only at home and spending a lot of time with adults has impacted on his personality.

I absolutely believe that some really well behaved children are that way from parents who put the fear of god in them about being out of line

I also believe some well behaved children are that way because their parents talk to them and adore them and love them so much that they're insanely confident.

I believe some children are so well behaved because they cannot go out of line due to their own beliefs.

There's so much.

@ApolloandDaphne . Absolutely. I've come across a couple of people in my working life who have the kind of steely, quiet confidence I think you're describing.

Possibly something in your thinking op. The 2 best behaved of my dc are actually the least confident adults of them..

DD has additional needs, part of which she is extremely rule abiding. Plus she's extremely quiet. Ad a result, she is frequently underestimated... once you get to know her she is extremely reliable and knowledgeable. Quietly confident.

DD2 has always been more boisterous but is actually more insecure.

Interesting. If you don't mind me asking, do you think part of it was a greater need for external validation (in the sense of parental/teacher approval etc.) than the less well-behaved ones, if that makes sense?

What do you mean by "well behaved?"

If you mean "fearful and compliant" then I think those sorts of kids probably lack confidence deep down.

If you mean "skilful at emotional self regulation and able to adapt to the environment appropriately" then I think these kids are well adjusted and confident.

I tend to think of "bad" behaviour as "unregulated" behaviour. So a kid behaving "badly" in public is trying to manage some kind of feeling that is beyond capacity to manage.

Both my DDs were always very well behaved and could be taken to ballet, theatre and restaurants from a young age. They both seemed to identify more with adults than other children. At birthday parties they always wanted to sit and chat with the mums rather than play. At nursery they formed string bonds with the adults too.

People describe me as confident (hopefully not code for annoying gobshite, but maybe). I was and still am a goody-two-shoes! Was never in trouble at school, behaved well in public, I would have had my moments at home but never anything extreme. My parents were very loving and positive about me, but did not tolerate bad behaviour or making a fuss (from me at least - bit more tolerant of my sister).

My 15 yo has had his moments but generally well behaved. He's quietly confident. My younger one, 11, is more outgoing and extroverted. But also well behaved. He may be a bit over confident 😬

My DS was well behaved, easy to take out, teachers always described him as a pleasure and he was a happy child.

He is a confident grown up, happy and self assured in himself and his own views BUT does not push himself forward and will always be at the back of any queue.

I don’t think there’s a direct link between being well-behaved and being confident. You might find that consistent good behaviour results in being treated a certain way by third parties, which might impact how confident a child grows up to be.

I also don’t know that “confident” means the same thing to everyone. Some of the most apparently confident children and young adults I know, have cultivated a think veneer or armour which looks like confidence, but is really only poorly disguised, crippling lack of self confidence.

I was perfectly behaved. Because my parents valued appearances above all else and I was essentially afraid of their anger and disapproval (not in a physical sense). I'm passive as an adult, though excellent at faking to some degree since I've been putting on an act as child.

I'm really trying to break the cycle in my own parenting. To the point where it disturbs me quite a lot when DC say 'was I good mummy'. I really don't want them to constantly seek my approval but I guess that is to some degree a natural thing for children to do. It's difficult to get the balance right!

My gut feeling is that truly confident children are the ones who are accepted for themselves, no matter what.

I have one of each too, now mid teens. It depends what you mean by confident. My 'quiet and well-behaved' child is still quiet and well-behaved. He's not loud or pushy or outgoing. But he's very certain of what he wants and what is right/wrong and will quietly stand firm against peers persuading him to do otherwise.

My loud, fidgety, social child is also very emotional and very impulsive. He's well-behaved (for the moment?) but is much more likely to be swayed by his peers. He is confident in lots of ways my other child isn't, though. He's life life and soul in big groups, has lots of friends, can go easily into most unfamiliar situations without any qualms.

I was a quiet well behaved child and not confident at all. I think i was in my 30s when i started being more assertive and less of a pushover.
Both my siblings were loud kids and always causing trouble. They at least seemed confident throughout, if they werent then they managed to hide it very well.
All three of us are pretty well rounded and happy in our lives now though.

I have one of each too and im a little worried for my quiet DD. Teenage years werent easy for me. But then i guess both personalities come with challanges.

I think you may be confusing many separate issues.
Both ds's, now older, always had inner confidence, and are beautifully behaved, so can be taken to any restaurant or party or wedding and complimented. But this didn't happen by accident. It was through hard work put in by Dh and me, right from the off. When younger we went through a period of not taking them out, because they just wouldn't behave the way we wanted them to. We still corrected them at home, re how they ate, getting down from the table. Talking to others, say all their aunts and uncles at family Christmas party and asking how they were / polite questions. It just takes effort. We are all trying to raise rounded human beings aren't we?

Both of mine were well behaved i suppose. Eldest was very biddable and easy. Younger one much more stubborn and demanding.
They are tweens now and both fairly confident but the eldest is definitely much more socially confident. She doesn’t really let others influence her choices. She’s still naturally easy going to doesn’t cause a lot of arguments and drama but she could stand up for herself I reckon.

DD has never been what you'd describe as "well behaved" by what you've written. She is extremely well behaved though by my standards, she's polite, extremely intelligent, no problems at school, kind to her fiends. But she would never ever "sit nicely" in a restaurant or anything like that she's been a whirlwind since day 1! She's extremely confident and outgoing and people have always commented on that. We don't "discipline" in a way that would ever scare her about consequences or anything and I think that has something to do with it. She's allowed to be a noisy, messy child and doesn't get told off for that kind of thing.

DD has never needed any discipline or sanction beyond a "5,4,3" countdown. I always laid out my expectation before we went somewhere and she always met them. Even things like toilet training she announced at 2.5 years she was too old for nappies and that was it, she never even had an accident afterwards.

She's a teen now, she used to appear confident in Primary school but really struggled since starting High School and is only confident with those she knows but otherwise puts on a brave face for everyone else and her self esteem appears through the floor. We are awaiting an ASD diagnosis which would explain the extremely compliant behaviour.

DS1 is 14, but I don't really know where to describe him on your original scales - he was neither really.

At school and for other people they always said that he was lovely and well behaved. For me he was a bit of an attention seeking nightmare as a 3-5 year old specifically! As he went further up in school they praise his ability but lament his distraction. He is now diagnosed with ADHD but it was completely under the radar, I only pushed for it because of my own diagnosis and noticing similarities with him. He definitely wouldn't sit down and do colouring, though.

I think he's quite confident now - but he's also really easygoing so will just go along with the majority unless you try to make him do something he doesn't want to do. He's happy to talk directly to adults and will speak his mind without embarrassment.

He did / does go through periods of anxiety and for example struggles to eat in front of other people so it's a bit of a difficult mix to explain really.

Dd has always been a take anywhere child, possibly because we took her anywhere and everywhere and she was expected to behave while there (with age appropriate things to do, though never screens). She is now an extremely confident, resilient and adventurous older teen.

The “quieter” twin is quietly confident and the more outgoing twin is loudly confident!

Mine are both confident (will introduce themselves to other DC, say hello to adults they etc, DS1 will give pep talks to other DC etc...)

But they are both quite cheeky! Getting them (especially if they are both together) to sit still and play/colour quietly at church/on trains etc. is exhausting! DS1 is well behaved at school luckily (if a bit fidgety), he saves the naughtiness for parents and grandparents.

My three boys were always well behaved but slightly shy as children. As adults I have one loud, confident one, one quietly confident one, and the youngest is still shy and not particularly confident.