Strange thoughts after 60

[Strangedarkcloud]

Not sure if I've posted in the right place but was wondering if anyone else can relate.
I am 60 and have retired, which I'd always planned to do if I could. Since retiring I feel like my mind is telling me 'that's it, we are done now, finished'.
I have the opportunity to do start a Masters later this year but all I keep thinking is that I'm too old and its pointless as I won't be around long enough to do anything with it. In addition I find that I am remembering all the 'bad' things I've done in my life and can't seem to stop. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, I will suddenly remember something in my past that I'm not proud of. I feel like I'm reflecting on my life and judging myself in preparation for death. It's really strange but I don't know how to stop or why it suddenly started. I honestly don't think its depression but feel like I'm gearing up for the end if that makes sense. It feels a little scary. can anyone relate or offer any suggestions as to why its happening?

Yes, I know just what you mean. Started recently for me, too. It’s almost like random intrusive thoughts, but about things which actually happened. Lots of ‘I wish I hadn’t or had said/done that, I wish I’d been kinder, dealt with that more sensitively’ etc. I think it’s just that when we retire, and maybe have fewer family, and other, responsibilities, we have more time to reflect on the past and think about what we would or should have done differently if we had our time again. I suppose it is part of the process of coming to terms with the inevitable.

I also think wondering how many good years I have left is hampering me as I keep thinking it's pointless starting something new if I can't finish or use it. I should be thinking of it as a grand adventure and enjoy it while I can rather than wondering if I'll finish

I read (can't recall where) about 'the tyranny of expectation.' We have to have an opinion on everything - music, theatre, politics, environment. We have to keep up to date with the news, not just here but round the world. Look at the way during lockdown people were learning languages, streaming and exhaustively discussing boxsets, taking up a musical instrument - there was a definite sense of expectation that you had all this enforced leisure, how were you going to use it constructively? (as opposed to trying to keep your job on track and your children educated). It felt like a complete slog to me - like having another job.

I think you have the right idea - enjoy the journey and don't worry too much about the destination. I want to learn the guitar but I'm not going to be John Williams or Brian May. I paint, but I'm not Rembrandt. I write, but no editors are going to be competing to publish 😀I'm just making it into fun.

Strangedarkcloud

Thank you! this thread is definitely helping! at least we all now know this horrid phenomenon happens to others.

I think you looking at your MA as an adventure is a very good call.

I am 63 and could have written this OP!
Thank you for starting this thread as I am very glad to be reading all the responses

In my mid-fifties I began to find myself thrown into panic and depression after any wine consumption. But I like wine and didn’t want to give it up! Researched and found that biodynamic wine avoided the nasty after effects. It’s a whole new interest now.

BTW the Mature Study and Retraining board on MN was started specifically to encourage women approaching a re-start with the question “Am I too old to …”. It’s in the Education topic. Why not take a look?

So glad it's helping others too and it feels strangely comforting to know that others are experiencing this too. The advice and support so far is quite uplifting.

I totally agree that somehow retiring is seen by many as time to use your newly acquired leisure constructively, "the tyranny of expectation". Im 65 and retired and get cheesed off when I meet former colleagues who seem slightly disappointed that I haven't taken up hang gliding/mountaineering/deep sea diving etc.
I have spent my life juggling work, family, household chores etc. Im more than happy walking the dog, coffee with friends, reading a book, watching TV at the moment
Do your Masters, enjoy it but do it for you.

I totally get you! I am 62 and thinking back on mistakes I made at work and with my children- it’s soul destroying. I’ve been this way since my 60th birthday in lockdown and I’ve since been diagnosed with breast cancer which has made me worse.

I’ve made myself do an exercise regimen week days. I go for an hours walk. I write a journal and read at least a chapter of a novel everyday. I’ve minimised my alcohol and use meditation tracks if I can’t sleep. All these things help but I can’t seem to shift my feelings that “ I’ve messed up” and “I won’t be around for much longer”. I don’t think I’m depressed as I still enjoy things in life. Maybe when the nights get longer and spring arrives , it will improve matters.

Op you are only 60, still quite young. I think this is stemming from the retirement which is obviously marking a shift in your life. Good health allowing, you are highly likely to live to 80+ that's another 20 years so you really should do the masters or find something else to fill your time. My Mum is older than you and I really don't recognise this attitude in her. You are talking like an 80 year old. Are you happy to have retired. Would you consider voluntary work or part time work?

None of you are selling me on retirement.

No chance of retirement in my world. My postgrad was the start of a new venture - I can’t give up before I’ve actually achieved anything.

Which is why I'm going back to work and re-working my plan for when I do eventually retire. Whether or not you're sold on it depends on how you view it. My DGF tended his garden, read and did some french polishing - but then he was a professional soldier, anything was going to be an anticlimax after WW2.

Yes I could have written this as well OP! I'm 61 and retired last year. I think leaving a very busy full time job has given me the headspace to mull over past mistakes usually in the middle of the night. Last night at 3am I was awake and analysing points in my life where I wish I'd made a different decision or taken a different path or acted differently...I've decided there is no point looking back. I keep busy seeing friends, taking up new hobbies and going to exercise classes to stay fit. Retirement is a big life change and I think you need to give yourself time to settle into it! If you want to do a Masters I say "go for it"!

I could have written your post too OP! Who knew it was a 'thing'?

I have the same feelings...only it is at night, in the form of dreams, sometimes nightmares. Utterly random,from relationships, past work issues , to why did I do that. In this day and age, 60 is not considered to be old, but in terms of life's experiences, it can be.I think it was Erikson, who described 'the Life Review'. For some older people, a successful life is one whereby they can look back and accept all of the events of their life. For others, their old age reflects on '1000 little hurts.' That was me.
Now I make a note of what the issue is, think about it and use my reasoning to allow me to forgive myself. I also try to balance it with the good things I have achieved. PersonalIy, I think I was brought up to be too conscientious. I am older than yourself and I still try to do new things. You are never to old to learn, either about yourself, or another topic. Just keep, keeping on!😀

For what it's worth, my grandparents moved to the other side of the world in their 70s. (First time on a plane for my grandmother - 24 hr flight!) They moved back after several years and my grandfather was still playing golf 3 times per week till he was nearly 90. I don't know if they ever had these thoughts. They lived well into their 90s and I really hope they didn't spend 3 decades thinking this.

Dad now in his 80s playing lots of golf and gardening. He retired very early (redundancy deal) and they had a course "preparing for retirement" if I remember rightly - finances, health and the mental adjustment. Retirement is a big adjustment!
You were only born in the 60s - you aren't old! Not invalidating your feelings, but you have a good chance of many happy years ahead.

Do you think anyone else is hung up on these actions you are not proud of? If so can you make amends? If not them let go.

As for your masters - well the time it takes to do it will pass anyway whether you do it or not. If you will enjoy it do it.

My cat, sorry to hear about your diagnosis and hope the prognosis and treatment is positive.
Crkd, i had no idea there was a Mature study board and will be seeking it out for inspiration and support. Also if you have any wine recommendations I'm all ears lol.
I'm hoping that something positive and tangible comes out of this for all of us. I've not spoken to anyone about how I'm feeling in case I got told to 'pull yourself together' 😉but feel a little bit more positive just knowing that I'm not alone feeling that 'I've messed up'. Like you Alicent I find these thoughts most prevalent at 3am. It always seems worse at night, probably because the world seems to be happily sleeping.

My doctor said to me once "no one ever lay awake at 3am thinking about how good life is"

Im early 50’s and having flashbacks of things I’m not proud of. I assumed it was a peri thing.

I’m the same it’s a horrible feeling made worse by the fact my dog is sick and is in her final months so I have a constant feeling of dread about losing her on top of everything else. I was watching an old top of the pops last night and Kylie and Jason were on singing ‘especially for you’ and it made me feel so melancholy and a bit tearful, I’m the same age as Kylie so I sort of relate to her a bit and I was a fan back in the day, and it brought back all the feelings of my youth when everything was in front of me, everyone I loved was alive, no real worries or concerns and now it’s all behind me, yes I know it can also be the start of a new phase but the feeling of impending doom of illness and death is on my mind a lot. Maybe I need HRT.

Do the Masters. It can't hurt to start it.
Do some volunteering.
Helping others is a great way to get out of your own head

I think taking the Masters would be adventure. Not everyone uses what they learn and apart from the cost aspect, I have heard positive things - from a learning/social perspective and not necessarily what you can do with the qualification.

I'm considering this piece of advice in relation to volunteering. I'm not really at retirement age yet but don't have to work (I have had dc later in life, so became a sahm and not ventured back to work) so it looks like I've entered early retirement. I'm hoping that volunteering in some capacity will provide a bit of routine and distraction. I am a bit younger but I have also had these reflective thoughts op. I think another poster was right in that things can get boxed up and then suddenly you have time to think and reflect and look at how you have lived your life. When I was working, I think I was just on a treadmill and didn't have to think or plan much because that was just life. I've been having some therapy for past trauma so the past feels very much with me and has led me to being somewhat reflective and to consider how life could have been minus the trauma. A lot of people around me don't seem to do this though - they appear very much still on the treadmill without much reflection.

Career wise, I never found my thing (most likely because of the trauma) and as a consequence never excelled in anything - just sort of plodded along. I've thought about returning to work but it would likely be entry level into something and I could find myself working for a 20 something year old. This would be difficult too I think as you do gather a fair bit of wisdom over the years and I think my pride would take a hit. I'm at a bit of crossroads right now and watching your thread with interest.

I found relaxation exercises to be a big help. Especially deep breathing.

Im early 50’s and having flashbacks of things I’m not proud of. I assumed it was a peri thing.

Similar age. And definitely peri, so yes, may well be connected.

I'm 61, 62 in a few months. I stopped being a secondary teacher at 56 due to back problems and recurring cellulitis. I'm in receipt of Teachers pension. I'm still a Foster Carer but foster child who has been with us since he was 5 and he is almost 17 now. I thought once I'd retired DH and I would go to Australia to see the Boxing Day Ashes cricket match. Could never go before as children did not want us to go away over Xmas. This was my one big bucket wish. Sad thing is now I could probably go now as children grown up and youngest moving out in May but now my health and mobility is not great. I would need a wheelchair. I keep thinking maybe I don't deserve to go. It's just not meant to be. Another thing I think about a lot is we have a holiday home in Brittany, France and it is really lovely but desperately needs a new kitchen. I have wanted one for years but cost was prohibitive plus not easy to explain to workmen what you want with limited and mostly conversational French. Now We can afford it but have not been to holiday home since before Covid. We have let family and friends use it. Now Covid gone and we could go but I've lost all enthusiasm for it as I know I can no longer get down to my favourite beach. Again I will have to go somewhere flat and let DH push me in chair if more than about 20-25 metres. It puts me off going. I also keep wondering how many years my sisters and I have left together. My sister's are all except one older than me and every time we meet up for a meal which is not often we all get together as one sister lives overseas so only every second year. I come away wondering if we will all meet together again. I don't think I am depressed but have a dose of realism. One of my sister's has heart problems and I worry about her health. On the other hand I am relieved I have seen ally children grow up safely and youngest buying a house and will move out in May. I'm glad I've been able to help them all in turn. I try to keep busy and do look forward to being in garden again.

Career wise, I never found my thing (most likely because of the trauma) and as a consequence never excelled in anything - just sort of plodded along.

I'm interested in you saying that because I'm exactly the same - never really found something that energised me as a career. I was the quiet bright kid who did her schoolwork and got overlooked, then the reliable employee who did her work and got overlooked. Wondering about how I could have fulfilled my potential if things had been different is another thing I'm ruminating about. My father died when I was thirteen, there was no counselling or support in the 60s and I wonder if the above was because of that.