Are you a "What We Do In The Shadows" Energy Vampire ?

[AcetoneForMyPhone]

And what have you done to REALLY change?

SIL told me I am one of these and I think there is a (big) grain of truth in it. More towards boring than enraging!

I have mild ASD and ADHD traits. I have obsessive topics plus I am anxiously attached so tend to initiate and then dominate boring conversations on my obsession of the moment.

The things is, even being aware of it, I haven't found any foolproof tricks to change myself into someone interesting.

I do have partner, kids, friends and hold down a good job. My neighbours & colleagues seem to like me. So I'm not a social outcast.

I think with SIL our interests don't overlap in many areas and I may have stuffed mine down her throat!!
It does hurt a bit though.

Any gems of advice?

PS I watched this clip, found it hilarious and I'm not as bad as Colin!!
What we do in the Shadows

I would give people permission to let you know, in a neutral way, when you are doing it - to bring you up and reign yourself in.
The problem doesn’t seem to be lack of awareness (you sound extremely self aware) but that when stuck on a track , it’s hard to get off.
We have 2 signals with my brother. A subtle one for in company, we ask him to go and get a certain item - code word. One less subtle when a short frank but neutral message is needed (he’s autistic too, so typed it may sound blunt but he needs it to be direct and is said kindly) “(Name), I’ve heard enough about helicopters for now.”

However, your situation seems to be that she gets annoyed on a group chat?! She needs to take some responsibility herself if everyone else is OK with it, and mute it and read only when she’s in the mood, or remove herself because she’s not interested.

Yes, I agree.

But the OP is autistic and so her communication style is fine for where she comes from too?

I think you're engaging with this feedback really well OP.

I don't think you should "just stick to small talk".

Asking questions of the other person is a great place to start. And then, listening to the answer. Follow up with reaction, empathy, or more questions, and try not to leap straight away into you're own related anecdote - you can after a while, but let the other person have airtime first.

Also, if you find yourself chattering on, to nervously fill air time: stop talking. If you don't stop talking no-one can get a word in edgeways.

And, if you do have a pet topic, make sure you do sometimes give it a rest. I have a friend who is obsessed with a certain social situation... one that even eventually got resolved by removing herself from it; but she still returns frequently to the topic to "worry the bone". I just have nothing left to reply to her about it. My heart sinks when she brings it up again: which is, as much as possible.

My FIL has a tendency to be a Colin Robinson, but he's not as bad as he used to be. I think having other people tell him he is has made him force himself to be more observant of the signs that he was sucking the good mood out of people - them looking around and trying to find an excuse to escape, their eyes glazing over, not responding to questions etc.

He mistakes people's initial interest in his genuine enthusiasm for certain topics as them also being interested in the topic - they're not, it's just nice to listen to someone be excited about something for a short time, but then you want them to shut up when the conversation goes beyond 'general knowledge' level.

🤗

"But the OP is autistic and so her communication style is fine for where she comes from too?"

Yes, OP could argue this. She doesn't have to fit in with neurotypical society, just as SiL doesn't have to 'do as the Romans', but maybe OP WANTS to?
If it was just OP's personality and not a neurodivergence, would it be the same?

OP, you are being very hard on yourself. If you are that self aware then you can change. If you have things you love talking about maybe practise talking about them for no longer than one minute - get the jist of what you want to say down and then smile and see if the other person asks another question about it. If they do, speak for a few seconds - just say one or two things in reply, and don't get tangled up in long complicated digressive sentences. Then ask a related question to them. Or say, "That's my current passion so I have to be careful not to go on and on about it."

Watch out that you don't take their politeness as a cue to be socially inept. E.g. If they say, "Oh no, it's fine, it's fascinating," don;t say, "Oh good, right then," amnd launch into a monologue just say, "I think so. How about you? What are your interests?" Or if you know already, ask, "How's the knitting/skating (whatever) going?"

DS is autistic but he's now so socially skilled, through practise, that he comes home from social events and moans that other people bore on at him and he is the attentive listener. To be fair, I have found a lot of autistic friends - especially the women, and DS, to be good listeners too. very attentive.

I'm a victim as such.

My ds is autistic!

But he's so intelligent and full of facts I let him do this at home to get it out of his system and just "yeah" and "oh that's interesting" in the right places. He doesn't actually want my input 🤣🤣

Out of the house I've taught him to use the same theory as in academic life. Point, explanation (just a few points) example and then I've taught him to say "what your opinion in that". (An accept it may differ from his and he doesn't have to then convince the person they're wrong 🤣🤦🏼‍♀️)

But you maybe basing the whole experience on just what your SiL has said.

Some people don't mind being listeners - I'm one - as it saves having to be conversational themselves. You could be an introverts dream coffee date!

There's always room for learning decent social skills but also as much scope for surrounding yourself with people who like you for who you are

SIL doesn't sound very nice.

Take deep breaths and try to relax into the situation. Listen at first only and have a few questions as you go along to show interest and show you are listening. Mirror back what you are hearing from the conversation.

Spend less time with SIL!

Brilliant advice. Would you possibly share a few of your question starters?! I try hard to do this too and agree that people love to talk about themselves. In recent years I seem to have forgotten the questions!!

I’ll be brave and admit to identifying a bit with your posts!

Ive found over the years the biggest thing- find your tribe. Find the other people that talk with social anxiety, are a bit odd and obsess. These people forgive the fault easily, and will talk over you to rebalance conversation. You end up in chaotic fast paced conversations that would annoy others.

Wind back a bit and stop pleasing people who react badly to you. I’m a bit reserved and quiet at work, I don’t do work socials. I don’t socialise with other mums much and I know some see me as a loner. They don’t get me. I have built up a social life/ family life that fits me more. I get on with the louder people, the ones who don’t get social niceties so much or who are a bit odd round the edges. Be they out there hippy or geeks I find their chatter and obsessive talk quite interesting actually, I’m an information and fact hoover.

Its not as simple as one way being better than the other, just be more accepting of your atypical behaviour and see where you fit. Withdraw and look elsewhere, stay polite- but you don’t have to be everyone’s friend or liked by everyone. That’s ok. You can’t really fundamentally change yourself to fit a norm. But there are others who will like you. I would! You seem direct, sharp humoured and we’d probably laugh at rabbiting on

A really good example of an energy vampire is Uncle Colm in Derry Girls but actually he is sweet and very funny in places and comes to the girls rescue so there is definitely a place for you :)

I would much rather spend time with a Colin than an Evie !!

Also NHS how weird that it attracts so many EV's.

Just coming back to the thread after a day out and want to say thanks so much for the great responses!

@TeamadIshbel I agree with you, it really helps to find your tribe. I was thinking about it later today how I arrived a total nerd at uni age 18 with no real life experience and found myself in Halls of residence with really cool girls who had had boyfriends and been to pubs and knew what to wear to go out for a night on the town. Some of them felt very hard to relate to. I felt totally lost. I ended up joining a musical theatre group full of nerds like me and being completely accepted by them instead.

@WinterFoxes Well done on training your son to be socially intelligent!

@itsgettingweird That's nice that you are so supportive of your ds. And yeah, a lot of my good friends are good listeners. But I often feel embarrassed after seeing them when I realise how much I must have dominated the conversation.
I really cringe inside but repeat the same bloody mistakes.

@Gwenhwyfar and others...It is both growth and masking I think. I've always masked. But I also think becoming conscious of the mask and learning to make a socially/emotionally intelligent mask without effort is growth.

@Holihobbies I'll have to watch that! I am more of Colin than an Evie for sure. I find drama queens irritating! But I am irritating in my own way! 😬

@TeamadIshbel Mirroring is a technique I have really learned to do the last few years and it is such a life saver. It's now pretty much a habit with my kids and husband. But maybe with people I see less often or feel less safe/confident I seem to become blabbery again.

Maybe I'm not that bad though! I think I am worse on the Whatsapp chat which is where SIL sees me. I start a lot of chats because I'm a bit bored/lonely with this particular group (not other groups where I am far more restrained). And I send links of all sorts of shite. My siblings do too (podcasts, articles especially relating to self development - especially since my sister divorced and is soul searching - so it gets heavy at times!!) . SIL never posts anything like that at all. She wants it to be very lighthearted (fair enough): but I seem to thrive on heavy or philosophical!!!

And there we go for a long blabbery response! I self indulged!
But I will take on board the many comments!

Sorry, it was @HedgeWitchy the thanks for the find your tribe comment! I don't like work socials much either! I'm a total information hoover. Google is a godsend to me. And I like odd people.

I used to feel utterly drained when my parents in law visited- they drained me because I was the one who kept the conversations going. I felt much better when I stopped carrying the conversation, looking back now maybe they found me to be an energy vampire!

Oh gosh, people who control WhatsApp/ never post do bug me! Just…. Leave the group.
I had friends on Facebook like this. Never posed. I posted all sorts of shite. They complained it clogged up their feed etc. i unfriended them in a ‘no hard feelings’ way, saying I could see it didn’t work for them. They had my number and could text.
They went mad. They couldn’t see what I posted…
Ended up adding them again, they proceeded to carry on bitching about my feed of crap. 🤦‍♀️