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Original poster

Are you a "What We Do In The Shadows" Energy Vampire ?

66 replies

AcetoneForMyPhone · 12/02/2023 09:08

And what have you done to REALLY change?

SIL told me I am one of these and I think there is a (big) grain of truth in it. More towards boring than enraging!

I have mild ASD and ADHD traits. I have obsessive topics plus I am anxiously attached so tend to initiate and then dominate boring conversations on my obsession of the moment.

The things is, even being aware of it, I haven't found any foolproof tricks to change myself into someone interesting.

I do have partner, kids, friends and hold down a good job. My neighbours & colleagues seem to like me. So I'm not a social outcast.

I think with SIL our interests don't overlap in many areas and I may have stuffed mine down her throat!!
It does hurt a bit though.

Any gems of advice?

PS I watched this clip, found it hilarious and I'm not as bad as Colin!!
What we do in the Shadows

OP posts:
LemonDrizzles · 12/02/2023 09:59
  • Camomile tea.
  • Practising speaking in my head. That is, if I catch myself speaking to myself, re stating but in my head
  • saying yes to social invites and mentally challenging myself to remember details of what's happening in others lives and asking them more, esp parts I'm interested in
  • working on reading the room
  • framing in the positive. Silencing the negative. (Typically my first thought is negative so I don't say that. Take a breath. Then try to say something genuinely positive..

A number of books helped.

  • Power of positive no
  • A personality test that told me my positives and negatives
  • Sorensen breaking the chain of low self esteem
  • a career guide book that was more holisticand also looked at life goals
Chrysanthemum5 · 12/02/2023 10:00

@AcetoneForMyPhone being honest - when I was younger I was clingy and socially anxious. I just couldn't work out some friendship groups and they made me so nervous I just wouldn't talk. People did notice and call me 'mouse' or make fun of me, or avoid me.

My daughter is autistic and I now recognise a lot of that in her.

I began telling myself 'no matter how hard this social event is it is only one hour' obviously changed for events that were not one hour! And I also stopped seeing people that made me too nervous. The exception is my BIL who is a miserable old sod but if I'm around him I just focus on people who don't upset me.

You could also give yourself a job eg at this party my task is to talk to four people so I will start by telling someone I like their outfit and see how the conversation goes.

Remember a conversation is two way it's not up to you alone to make it interesting.

I'm also old and know who likes me and who doesn't! And I know my good points so I'm ok with me.

Be a bit selfish, minimise interactions with people who bring out this energy vampire in you.

Original poster
AcetoneForMyPhone · 12/02/2023 10:00

popyourcollar · 12/02/2023 09:51

OP, you sound empathic and funny. I think you may be right that your SIL is projecting some of her frustration with your DB onto you.

Have you ever listened to the Neurodivergent Moments podcast? You might enjoy it and it’s great for normalising some of this kind of thing.

Yes she seems to me, to be doing that (projecting frustration). They have had a tough time of it the last few years, she nearly left; he can be very selfish in a ADHD/ASD way plus he doesn't clean up his messes. I personally could not live with him!

I am putting the hurt feelings aside as we have an extended family camping holiday coming up which I organised and her daughter is my kids cousins. I want everyone to have a nice time. I'm wondering if when we meet I should just smile and say nothing except functional small talk (would you like a cup of tea, etc) in order not to tire her out.

I think my problem is that I've tried to make her 'my friend' and I just try to hard in the wrong way.

OP posts:
Dogmatix34 · 12/02/2023 10:00

You sound lovely OP and I doubt you are full on Colin Robinson as you have self awareness. The EVIE episode is amazing and exactly like my colleague. 😂

Original poster
AcetoneForMyPhone · 12/02/2023 10:04

Dogmatix34 · 12/02/2023 10:00

You sound lovely OP and I doubt you are full on Colin Robinson as you have self awareness. The EVIE episode is amazing and exactly like my colleague. 😂

Oh God, Evie!! ("Maybe we could go hunting together?") 😂

Thanks very much everyone!! I understand the 'stay away from SIL' comments but I am always into everyone being happy families which is my clinginess I think.

Chrysanthemum5 and LemonDrizzles thanks for that lovely advice!

OP posts:
Original poster
AcetoneForMyPhone · 12/02/2023 10:06

TakeNoTweetsGiveNoQuacks · 12/02/2023 09:54

No wise words, but I love this show and Colin Robinson is amazing.

I used to be too talkative and I just have to stop myself. I saw a religious devotee in some documentary wearing a "silence is bliss" badge and he simply avoided unnecessary conversation. He seemed very at peace, so I try to adopt that policy when I think I'm going off on one. I save my unnecessary chat for people who actually like it (my siblings - we're all the same) and try to spare other people

Wise words! My sibling do understand me. Thinking about it now, it's probably that she 'shouldn't' be in that Group Chat (for her own sanity). We get each other but she doesn't get us.

OP posts:
MobyJeff · 12/02/2023 10:07

I have massive social anxiety, to the point I never want to talk to anyone. But I have for various reasons had to be social relatively often. I naturally dealt with it by concocting a list of questions I could start conversations with, and then I keep asking questions about them and encouraging people to talk about themselves. I now have a reputation as an accomplished conversationalist and great listener! People bloody love talking about themselves and if they’re anxious they are grateful to you.

greenbackers · 12/02/2023 10:07

This sounds very like my DD who is being investigated at the moment for neurodivergence...

We have 'safe people' so there are a few people who she can talk to for as long as she wants (work / sleep permitting) on anything she is interested in when she needs to let off some energy. She has got better at identifying when she can let rip and when she has to be a bit more reticent - her friends are helpful as well.

SleekMamma · 12/02/2023 10:09

She's done you a favour really.
You are now aware and can temper the chatter when you are with others.
I'd stick to 3 sentences then a question. You won't get stuck then.

Skinnermarink · 12/02/2023 10:09

Sorry OP you sound nothing like my cat. I don’t think you’re an energy vampire. You’re far too self aware.

I love WWDITS

jtaeapa · 12/02/2023 10:14

I would just own who you are. If you have partner/kids/friends, then you’re probably fine. You don’t need to change - just be yourself.

Tidsleytiddy · 12/02/2023 10:25

I got stuck for years with an emotional vampire colleague who could drain every last drop out of me obsessing over the same topics sometimes for years on end. Never asked anything about me and my life and acted bewildered if I mentioned my husband and kids. I realised I was in it up to my neck and I’ve now cut all contact

Tidsleytiddy · 12/02/2023 10:26

*energy vampire

Rainbowshine · 12/02/2023 10:29

Both! I annoy myself when I do it and I am really aware of it so I’m probably too sensitive to it when others are like this too.

Rainbowshine · 12/02/2023 10:30

Sorry that was meant to quote the question whether I am an energy vampire or a victim!

Original poster
AcetoneForMyPhone · 12/02/2023 10:33

SleekMamma · 12/02/2023 10:09

She's done you a favour really.
You are now aware and can temper the chatter when you are with others.
I'd stick to 3 sentences then a question. You won't get stuck then.

Yes she has in the long run & this advice is good and easy to remember. I'm going to drum it in.

OP posts:
saraclara · 12/02/2023 10:34

I wonder if I'm a bit like you. I'm generally quiet and not socially comfortably, but once I do feel relaxed in a conversation annoy something in interested in, I do find myself talking TOO much, and find myself apologising.

On the whole I seem to be the kind of person that people talk at though! So maybe I'm trying to make up for that when people actually all me something about myself!

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 12/02/2023 10:35

I thought this thread was going to be about accidentally leaving your phone charger plugged in.

Gwenhwyfar · 12/02/2023 10:38

"Even if there is some truth in it, her saying it out loud shows her to be a nasty person.
I'd rather spend time with a nice person, who talks about what interests them, than a bitch like your SIL."

Wow. Someone is not a 'bitch' for telling the truth. Yes, maybe she was a bit blunt and could have softened a bit, but to say she's a bitch is quite a jump.
Also, if people like SIL didn't exist, OP wouldn't be having the growth she's having now.

I've been told I'm boring by a few people. I know it's true to some extent, but I also know that I have some friends who don't find me too boring because it's a subjective and compatibility thing to some extent.

Original poster
AcetoneForMyPhone · 12/02/2023 10:38

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 12/02/2023 10:35

I thought this thread was going to be about accidentally leaving your phone charger plugged in.

😂

OP posts:
FatGirlSwim · 12/02/2023 10:41

The thing is, there are healthy neurodivergent ways of communicating which include info dumping and sharing special interests. Just because your communication doesn’t match your SIL’s, doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with it. You shouldn’t have to be more neurotypical! There are lots of people out there who will value your ways of communicating. I’d also argue that your SIL’s communication style isn’t without flaws!

FatGirlSwim · 12/02/2023 10:42

Gwenhwyfar · 12/02/2023 10:38

"Even if there is some truth in it, her saying it out loud shows her to be a nasty person.
I'd rather spend time with a nice person, who talks about what interests them, than a bitch like your SIL."

Wow. Someone is not a 'bitch' for telling the truth. Yes, maybe she was a bit blunt and could have softened a bit, but to say she's a bitch is quite a jump.
Also, if people like SIL didn't exist, OP wouldn't be having the growth she's having now.

I've been told I'm boring by a few people. I know it's true to some extent, but I also know that I have some friends who don't find me too boring because it's a subjective and compatibility thing to some extent.

Is it growth, or masking?

Gwenhwyfar · 12/02/2023 10:42

"A personality test that told me my positives and negatives"

Which one please?

"a career guide book that was more holistic and also looked at life goals"

Again, I'd like to look this one up too please.

Gwenhwyfar · 12/02/2023 10:43

"Is it growth, or masking?"

I think the word I should have used is reflection. OP is currently reflecting on her behaviour and personality. That's a good thing. Of course, SiL's opinion is not the law, just one person's opinion, but others have indicated the same to OP so maybe it's something to look into.

Gwenhwyfar · 12/02/2023 10:45

"I’d also argue that your SIL’s communication style isn’t without flaws!"

SiL comes from a culture where people are more frank so her communication style is find for where she comes from.