School thinks DD has SEN

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I received an email that the SEN staff would like a meeting to discuss my child’s general behaviour and attitude, implying they believe she has SEN.
my dd is very quiet and shy, she’s always struggled socially for this reason but from my point of view she doesn’t show any common signs of SEN. I was the same as a child as I didn’t like attention or fuss so I kept to myself. Not all quiet children = SEN imo.
Im not sure how to process this information, I haven’t considered speaking to a doctor or getting a diagnosis as I’ve never seen my dd to show as needing to. I know she is likely different at school to home and as professionals they are likely very aware of what to look for, I guess I’m shocked they have ‘diagnosed’ my dd and wish to continue as if she has a diagnosis.
has anyone had this and how did it pan out for you? The school have hugely let my children down through various situations, they are currently on waiting lists for other schools but this feels like something else they want to criticise my parenting with. I know they’ll tell me I have let dd down by not getting her a diagnosis or noticing SEN, despite not believing she has any this is the general attitude I receive from the school.
She’s year 8 if this makes a different. Tia

You know your child best op. I was very quiet myself at school and it was commented on in reports etc.
I suppose a second option will do no harm? When are you likely to get a new school place ? Do you know how far along the list you are ?

I would go to the meeting with a open mind and discuss her behaviour and attitude with them and then decide whether you sgree and what to do. They havent disgnosed her with anything thats not their role.

Thanks for replying. I’m not sure on the waiting list for a new school yet as I have two in different year groups and would prefer them to move over at the same time. I guess I’m concerned they will be adamant she has SEN and make me feel terrible for disagreeing. It will also upset dd as she’s been teased for being ‘different’ as all her peers seem to be confident and sociable. Labelling her with a SEN for that reason alone may do more harm than good for her.

You're shocked and, to be honest, taking this in a very defensive way. That may be to do with your history with the school - you don't trust them. It's also quite common for parents to refuse to believe a school when they first suggest SEN.

They have not diagnosed her. They have asked to meet with you. They have noticed behaviours that they feel should be discussed and observed, and they likely want your cooperation to investigate further.

They will not be asking for a meeting because your child is quiet. Lots of children are quiet. Something about her learning or her social interactions has stood out for them.

Go to the meeting. Find out what it was.

How old is DD / what year is she in?

I understand why you feel this way but they aren't criticising your parenting. They have a duty of care to discuss if they think your child has additional needs. It's not an emotional decision by them. And they aren't diagnosing her, they are discussing their concerns with you, they will have examples. I would go open minded, if what they are saying doesn't match your perception of your child then that's another discussion but at least see why they think this. SEN isn't a negative label.

I would try not to worry, you know her best and school team should listen to you and value your opinion. I once requested a parent meeting in similar circumstances (I’m SEN teacher in mainstream), was worried about a very, very quiet child who to me seemed withdrawn and I was concerned about possible language difficulties, parent felt no issues, they too had been very quiet at school, reassured me child wasn’t unhappy, had friends etc. We did nothing further, accepted parents reassurance and that was the end of the matter. I’d much rather have a conversation and be wrong than ignore a potential problem.

Why do you think they will criticise your parenting. Girls tend to get diagnosed later than boys, if there is indeed any SEN, more likely to become obvious in Secondary school

They haven't diagnosed her!

It's worth bearing in mind that SEN is often called 'additional support needs' these days and maybe it would be helpful to frame it in your mind like that?

The school are trying to help your dd.

School SEND departments work on the basis of need, not diagnosis. They are not labelling her - they are offering to help her. If your daughter is showing behaviour that concerns them - either due to the effect on others or because of concerns that she is not able to access all areas of her education or reach her potential - they will chat through their concerns with you. They may have some suggestions of low level things that might help. If she is happy, achieving well and neither of you have any concerns then you can tell them so. It is an opportunity to discuss in the best interests of your child - not a telling off.

Thanks for replies. Just to clarify the school have been horrendous at times towards me which is why I want them to leave the school. They have judged my parenting on many occasions so it feels like another personal attack. If dd was to be diagnosed by a professional I’d of course be relieved she’d get the support she needed, I’m in no way against this nor perceive any disabilities as negative, but I have had many meetings over the years and this is the first time they have mentioned it. She is year 8 and will be 13 in August.

You say that you were the same as her which might mean that you don't see her behaviour as out of the ordinary, when it is out of the ordinary.

They haven't diagnosed her with anything, that's not something schools can do. Putting interventions in place to support her are a good thing, not a judgement on your parenting.

It is an extremely common reaction in your situation (being told of possible SEN) to firstly deny that there's a problem, and secondly, shoot the messenger. It's not a nice thing to hear and it's an emotional reaction to that. Keep an open mind and go to the meeting with the school and hear what they have to say. It might be useful, it might not be.

The school diagnosing her comment was more tongue in cheek as the way the email has been worded is that they presume her to have a label that I’ve kept from them. If they are doing it to be supportive I’d be grateful, but from the last meeting I had where she judged me and implied I’m a bad parent for working full time, I don’t feel like anything they do is to be supportive.

I have friends whose daughters were diagnosed/identified with autism at 15 and 17. It was only until the teen years that anyone even thought this. Any earlier guidance might have helped them avoid some of the tough times those kids went through. It’s worth listening to them with an open mind.

A school can't diagnose. They may spot flags you may not see at home due to a very different setting. They can often implement support without formal diagnosis like sitting her differently in class, trying play therapy for social interaction during lunch/break where they need your consent for.

I would be as open as possible. There is nothing wrong with a quite child but there is also nothing wrong to help them to feel comfortable at school.

DD was the opposite, lots of flags at home but at school totally and utterly normal, she was masking it so good, it only came out now that she is 14. One teacher in Y4 suspected the same we did and did her best to help and it worked a lot.

Charmed has summed it up here.

The fact you say (later, after this post), I have had many meetings over the years suggests this isn't the first time potential difficulties have been raised.
The school has asked you to come along for a meeting to let you know how your daughter is presenting at school, and how they might go about supporting her. this is a positive thing - or will be if you don't go all defensive, or follow the advice above about moving schools.

Don't hold out to move schools until you can do both together.
Move one when a space comes up, and then the other may move higher up lists due to sibling link.
Or just apply & appeal. You can do that once per academic year.

Getting schools to notice SEN can be hard. Many parents spend years being fobbed off. Your school is saying there may be an issue. Go with an open mind.

OP it's not normal to have needed this many meetings with secondary school. Apart from parents evening, the majority of parents don't have any other meetings. The fact you've had so many meetings implies there are other things going on, or that the school have had concerns for a while. Go and listen with an open mind.

Schools generally don't have time to waste following up children to this extent unless there is something fairly obvious worth looking in to. I would put money on the fact that this isn't because she is quiet. As you rightly point out many children are quiet and this in no way necessarily means they have special needs. Go in with an open mind and listen to what they have to say. Either way, don't take SEN as a negative. Although they can present extra challenges they don't mean a person is lesser in any way. Also, the bottom line is that if your daughter has something going on that will be the case whether or not she has the label. Having a diagnosis may help her gain more support to fulfil her potential and also to understand herself in the world better which is a good thing.

They haven't diagnosed anything; they want to have a discussion with you about how she is in school. Perfectly reasonable.

Hear what they have to say . IF they suggest getting her assessed, then you can decide whether ot not you agree.

It's great to have a school that's proactive, more schools seem to brush it away. They won't diagnose her, so she won't get a diagnosis if she doesn't meet the criteria.

It will also upset dd as she’s been teased for being ‘different’ as all her peers seem to be confident and sociable.
You may find she's relieved to have a reason for being "different". For my ds it was a huge relief, like a permission to be different. Lots of children have diagnosis nowadays and disability is also a protected characteristic so if any child does say anything you have a huge lever to get the school to act.

Your far more likely to do harm by denying her getting a diagnosis she should have, than going for an assessment and finding she doesn't have it.
And the chance of her getting a diagnosis if she doesn't meet the criteria is miniscule.

You seem concerned that a label may differentiate her further, but perhaps it might help her create a better picture of herself.

Not saying she has a label but sometimes it's really good to understand yourself, helps you reach out and find a community, lots of support structures to follow for the needs under a label.

Again, school cant diagnose her with anything and shouldn't say you should have investigated earlier - but go with an open mind. All SEN means in a school sense is additional needs, how she can get any intervention she might need - for whatever reason.

Just start by listening to what they say.

I think they will be a lot less interested in criticising your parenting than you think.

Exactly. The idea that there is a reason for my DD to find it hard to make and maintain friendship actually increased her confidence. It like "it's ok to be different".

There is a lot more open talk nowadays between teens about mental health/having SEN etc. It can give her tools to deal with it on the long run as well to help her accepting that she is the way she is, it's not about making her into something/someone else.