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Original poster

How do you get your teenagers involved in family life?

33 replies

ExistenceOptional · 06/02/2023 19:16

Just that really. I have two teenagers who seem to live in their room unless coming down to raid the fridge or to go out with friends. They don't seem at all interested in being involved in a family life. I miss the day trips we used to have when they were younger. Any tips, or do I just need to accept this phase?

OP posts:
Indigoshift · 06/02/2023 19:18

Taking a friend is my only way to do it.

alwaysmovingforwards · 06/02/2023 19:20

Personally I let them have their phase and did other stuff with the time. Drag them along and they'll complain and make it miserable.

Only rule I always enforced was that we all eat dinner together at the table and that they kept their rooms tidy.

Pallisers · 06/02/2023 19:24

What worked for us was

Not being too stressed about them staying in their rooms - it is a normal phase

Having dinner together every evening but not making it a big deal full of bright chat.

Watching a series they liked for 30 mins in the evening - Modern Family, Parks and Recs, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Community, The Office all worked

At holidays/christmas etc playing things like cards against humanity with them.

Inviting friends along to dinner/days out/whatever. if friends are over, letting them hang out together without you.

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Luredbyapomegranate · 06/02/2023 19:30

Spend money on them that they couldn’t afford to. Lunches out, cinema, theatre/exhibitions, trips to buy X
Works a treat. Sometimes you can use it as a bribe to get them to do something more eg walk and then roast lunch at the pub.

Have a collective point in the day when you do spend time together eg you do all sit down to dinner. Doing kids cook Fridays always helped also. Especially providing beer on the Friday.

Invite their friends to join stuff.

Drive them places or get a dog and walk it together (combined with coffee and cake you pay for), driving or dog walking are the best way to get long deeper chats.

They are programmed to separate themselves from adults as part of becoming adults themselves, so don’t take it personally.

OrangeChocolateOrange · 06/02/2023 19:39

Mine are 19 and 15, similar to others above we've made sure we all eat dinner together round the table most nights.

With my you youngest we usually have a series on the go to watch together, did the same with eldest when he was around the same age (and youngest was in bed).

Some Sundays or in school holidays we play a board game after dinner. We've taken them out for days out eg to London or Oxford, or gone out for dinner or cinema, or had a takeaway. These are the main ways we've spent time with them through the teen years. Oldest is at uni now, so that changes the dynamic again.

Recently I started going climbing with my youngest and then he has me watching climbing documentaries with him! I'm injured at the mo, so that's on hold.

OrangeChocolateOrange · 06/02/2023 19:40

Ps how old are your teens OP?

maeveiscurious · 06/02/2023 19:45

Dinner together, board games, cinema and eating out. All acceptable with most teens

2bazookas · 06/02/2023 19:48

Limit screen time and place?

Insist the family eats together round a table (no screens ).
Expect them to help prepare meals, set/clear table, help wash up, walk dog etc,
do some domestic chores together or with you.

MrsPinkCock · 06/02/2023 19:54

Saturday night is movie night, they usually pick something gruesome!

Sunday morning we go for breakfast. Sunday evening we almost always eat together.

We then have a meal out together once a month.

Aside from that we don’t try and force anything. We don’t usually eat meals together either as everyone wants to eat at different times.

Weirdly as soon as we stopped pressuring them to spend family time together or sit around the table for dinner every evening, they missed it and asked to do more things which is why we’ve ended up with the routine we have.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 06/02/2023 19:59

Eat dinner together.
I sometimes drive ds(14) to school to get 15 mins with him.

Popfan · 06/02/2023 20:08

Definitely a TV series to watch together, with my DS15 we watched I'm a celeb, traitors (we both loved this!) Currently Waterloo Road and the apprentice. He's also looking forward to the return of Clarkson's farm. He plays a competitive sport, so time is spent taking him to this.
Also eating out, breaks away and the odd board game occasionally.

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 06/02/2023 20:22

I don't have this problem actually, I mean my teenage dc is very distant emotionally from us, but still spend quite a lot of time together. One reason, we are gamers have interest in common. Another, we have a tradition of watching film every night together, since around he was 9/10, and it still going on.

Original poster
ExistenceOptional · 06/02/2023 20:32

Sorry they are 14 and nearly 16.

OP posts:
Twawmyarse2 · 06/02/2023 20:38

We force our 15 & 17 yo to come out with us at least once at the weekend for lunch or a walk - tbf the 17 (girl!) is happy to oblige whilst 15yo ds is usually more reluctant. The way we phrase it is if they just come out with us for 2 hours they still have a good 22 hours per weekend to do as they wish! We also threaten to take ds’s phone if he acts up. It’s good for them to get off their phones and go and actually talk to their family for a bit and even ds enjoys himself once he’s outside and in the fresh air.

We always eat dinner together round the table, I’ve never allowed meals to be taken to bedrooms.

The key to it is just standing firm and making it a new rule - no excuses and privileges taken away if they refuse.

InconvenientPeg · 06/02/2023 20:38

DH started moaning about how much screen time DS15 was having, so instead of trying to limit him (even more!) We tried to find stuff he would want to do. He liked master chef, race across the world, it was hard work but it did work. Both children (DD is 13) have to cook dinner at least once a week, and we eat together, clubs/work (Ds is now 18) etc allowing. Also it's natural for them to want to separate, so if I don't see them outside of that, I don't stress too much.

Bloodykopfshmerz · 06/02/2023 20:46

I been divorced since my lad was 9 so in some ways it was easier to do things together because it was just the two of us for part of the week. He still spent lots of time in his room. As he got older we’d go for lunch and a bit of shopping occasionally, and I realised those were the times he’d really open up about life, his hopes and dreams, any worries. So I treasured those times as true quality time without imposing rules about “joining in” at other times. Now he’s nearly 20, it’s still the same, except it’s over a coffee or beer. It helps that we have the same sense of humour and agree that we are probably a pair of weirdos 😊

TheSmallAssassin · 06/02/2023 20:50

Twawmyarse2 · 06/02/2023 20:38

We force our 15 & 17 yo to come out with us at least once at the weekend for lunch or a walk - tbf the 17 (girl!) is happy to oblige whilst 15yo ds is usually more reluctant. The way we phrase it is if they just come out with us for 2 hours they still have a good 22 hours per weekend to do as they wish! We also threaten to take ds’s phone if he acts up. It’s good for them to get off their phones and go and actually talk to their family for a bit and even ds enjoys himself once he’s outside and in the fresh air.

We always eat dinner together round the table, I’ve never allowed meals to be taken to bedrooms.

The key to it is just standing firm and making it a new rule - no excuses and privileges taken away if they refuse.

This seems so bizarre, this is the age where children are separating from you mentally as part of growing up, they are just behaving naturally - would you sanction or punish an adult if they didn't want to socialise with you? More carrot, less stick if you want to build a genuine, warm relationship with them as they become adults.

Twawmyarse2 · 06/02/2023 20:58

This seems so bizarre

It really isn’t “bizarre”, teenagers nowadays will happily spend 24hours a day glued to the Xbox or their iPhone if you don’t step in and do a bit of actual parenting.

We have 2 orders ones who were treated exactly the same (ie. not left completely to their own devices in their rooms all weekend and encouraged to spend a small amount of time away from technology!) and now they’ve left home we enjoy a very “genuine, warm” relationship with them. Thanks for the advice though 👍

reluctantbrit · 06/02/2023 21:16

We have most meals together and that's a great way to just talk.

We still do days out as there is a joint interest but not as many.

DD has a very different taste in films/TV so it's difficult to find something we all enjoy but she often sits downstairs while DH and I may read while she watches.

We play boardgames on weekends. We like going out for dinner or just go for a coffee and cake on a Sunday afternoon.

ChocChipOwl · 06/02/2023 21:19

My youngest is 16. Off the top of my head ...

I take him for meals out semi regularly

Listen properly (externally at least!) as he goes on and on about football / gym / other interests

Watch films I don't like with him

Make time when he's in a chatting mood

Provide nice food in abundance that he'll come and grab and we then have a chat

Just that kinda thing. It really does revolve around them at this age!

ChocChipOwl · 06/02/2023 21:20

@Twawmyarse2 well that's one way to eventually alienate them I suppose!

ChocChipOwl · 06/02/2023 21:21

'If you refuse to come out with us, and indulge us in this new rule, then your privileges will be removed'

The main boggles

ChocChipOwl · 06/02/2023 21:21

*mind

Twawmyarse2 · 06/02/2023 21:42

You think it's bad parenting to encourage your 15yo Xbox-obsessed ds out of the house for a walk for an hour at the weekend? The mind does boggle! Or are you just being obtuse, as is so often the case on MN?

It's funny how people do things differently isn't it, thank goodness we're not all the same. I don't remember my dm ever wanting to spend time with me as child/teenager and as a result I have very little to do with her now. She was a single mum and usually spent weekends with her boyfriend.
I'm pretty confident mine find reassurance in the fact their parents still want to do stuff together sometimes and that family is important.

Hopefully your ds won't pick up on the fact you reluctantly watch films with him you don't like and are bored to tears when he talks about his hobbies...

ChocChipOwl · 06/02/2023 21:53

'The key to it is just standing firm and making it a new rule - no excuses and privileges taken away if they refuse'

The above is the really odd thing. You punish when your teenager doesn't fancy a walk. Your words, not mine

Of course it's healthy to get them out and by all means possible

It's deeply weird to withdraw privileges so they can't say no

But you do you Grin