What family working scenario would you prefer?

[Username24680]

Opportunity had arisen for DHs working pattern & location to change. Would be a big change for us as a family. Could I have your opinions on what set up you would pick and why? We’re trying to make a decision but are worried that it’s a “grass is always greener” scenario.

Scenario 1:
You work PT - 2 weekdays & 1 day at weekend (set days, no opportunity to change these)
DH works away from home - 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off. So for 2 weeks he’s away at work(can be anywhere in Europe), phonecall every 2nd day due to working pattern. During his 2 weeks off he’s at home, no work.
Childcare (2 year old) while you work is covered by family during the 2 weeks DH is away, and none needed when he’s home as he’s there to do it.

Scenario 2:
You work PT - same set days at previous.
DH works Mon-Fri, 7.45am-6pm. 30 minute commute from home.
Childcare while you work - nursery 1 day per week, family 1 day per week and DH on weekend day.

Having only ever known one of these set ups we’re struggling to see the realities of the other if that makes sense!

Scenario 1 gives more quality family time(3 weekdays in a row plus 1 weekend day each week DH is home) but DH is away for 2 weeks meaning everything falls on you during that time - the night wakes, time off when DC is ill etc. Plus DC may potentially struggle with it as time goes on?

Scenario 2 leaves 1 day per week family time but DH is home every evening, sick days etc can be shared if necessary. He’s seeing DC everyday - but it’s only for a very short time each morning and evening.

Financially there’s no significant difference between the 2.

I'd prefer scenario 2 without a doubt. I'd absolutely hate not seeing my husband for two weeks at a time.

i would not want scenario 1 because I wouldn’t not want to see my dh for 2 week stints I would prefer to see every evening.

I have friends with spouses in the military, oil rigs, divers etc who love the all or nothing approach and love having them home but also love the periods where they are running the house on their own and have the quiet times in the evenings

My decision wouldn’t be based on childcare it is what I want from a relationship especially if no monetary difference.

If an opportunity arose that meant Scenario 1 for a set period of time 6 months / 1 year gave substantial money to the pot or enabled for career advancement I would accept it then for the long term gain.

@SausageRoll2020 @NewName2023 Thank you both for your opinions. We’re going to have to make the decision soon and still feel like we are unsure!

I was an armed forces child. I didn’t mind my parent going away it was very normal for me even though some people commented how odd it was.

Hardest part was my mum, I could see how stressed she got at times esp when we were teenagers. Parents not being present for birthdays or Christmas sting and I hated that my parents didn’t come to as many plays / nativities / award ceremonies. That was the worst bit for me, seeing what felt like everyones parents come to award ceremonies and I had no one in the crowd. It still makes me sad when I think about it

I'd chose option 1. If your DH is out of the house from 7am til 6.30pm how ownt be seeing your child in the week anyway.

I'd prefer to have him home for stints so you can plan nice things together, go off and see your friends leaving h with the dc etc.

But, I'm very independent and enjoy a balance of not having dh around all the time. I know not everyone is like this.

@Picturesonthewall123 that sounds very hard. Was your mum not there?

OP, are you done having kids? That would slant my opinion as having a newborn in the two week away time would be hard? Or what’s the paternity provision?

I think option 1. What is the culture like though? Will it be male dominated and disrespectful of women and relationships?

Option 2 for me, I would not want DH to be away for 2 weeks at a time & would prefer to have a more stable daily routine not changing every 2 weeks.

Option 2 - if not want the full responsibility of everything - childcare, sickness, housework etc to fall to me for extended periods. You'd be essentially a single parent for half the year.
I've friends who've partners in the military or on shift patterns & it's extremely difficult for them whilst their partner is away.
Regular hours with regular contact is much more stabilising plus as your child gets older they will see your partner more.
You also need to consider the future - do you want more children? How would you handle appointments alone? Would your partner be around during the birth? How long after? And what about if you lose your job or get a new one can you accommodate his 2wks on 2wks off shift pattern?

@Picturesonthewall123 This is definitely something I’m conscious of, especially as DC gets older.

@Orangeis @Lightninginabox Thank you. So option 1 is actually our current set up. DH has worked away since 1 year into our relationship (so for 9 years before we had DC). And for the 2 years since. Prior to DC he worked 4weeks on, 4 weeks off but we cut to 2 and 2 as felt like 4 weeks was far too long with DC involved.
A good point about being finished having children - we’re unsure at the moment but think we may like to have another. Current set up allows DH to work time for time so if he opted to work 4 weeks instead of 2 then he’d be entitled to 4 weeks off if that makes sense. It also allows him to build up time off so during my pregnancy he worked longer trips than what he took off and then took all his built up time at once - meaning he was at home on full pay with us for the first 3 months which was amazing. But it was a shock to the system when he went away, and he misses a lot.
Scenario 2 would be the standard 2 week paternity but he’d be home every night and weekend.

You totally set on your current job? I realise the shift pattern within it is set, but if you changed jobs then it would presumably change. If that’s a possibility I’d take option 2.

Otherwise if option 1 is working for you and you’re both happy with it, then if it ain’t broke don’t fix it!

@Velvian you’ll see from my last post that’s actually our current set up. Definitely male dominated but his colleagues are great, honestly. All similar ages & the majority have young families so all in similar life position.

@bananaboats Thats how I feel about option 2. But, at the same time, currently he gets 2 weeks where he can take DC to the groups and activities that we attend. He gets to know other local parents & the kids. DC loves their time together and DH does too. I feel like the change to option 2 would be purely to help me!

I’d go for option 1 for now, but look forward to a change when child starts school. It’s the fact that you work a weekend day - so if he works long hours Mon-Fri you’ll only get a day a week together.

@APurpleSquirrel Option 1 is our current set up so it’s a situation I’m familiar with 😊 appointments, birth etc not really a worry with another. Worked really well first time around.

@AllotmentTime Not completely set, but for now it works well for us. It’s a 15 min walk from home, passing the local nursery and school on the way so ideal for when that stage of life begins

Option 2 if you have pre/primary school age.
would consider option 1 if teenagers

I’d much prefer 2.

@TheMagicSword I think this is it completely. We always knew that working away wouldn’t be for us forever. He doesn’t want to be the dad that’s never at events as the DC grow up etc, and I’d hate that too. But an opportunity has arisen to change lifestyle a bit sooner than we expected and we just can’t decide whether now is the right time or not. DH really does get so much quality time with DC at the moment and we get so much quality family time that i feel while DC is so young we should be taking full advantage of that. But selfishly, I’d also love him to be home every night because it really is lonely and hard when he’s away. But then we’d be cramming all our family time into 1 day a week 😩 which I know is so normal for lots of families but it would feel like a huge shock to the system for us.

Always, always use paid childcare. You just don’t know when circumstances will change for the family member doing it - health, finances etc.

And unless the 2 week on/off came with a hefty salary, I wouldn’t be interested in sacrificing so much.

Definitely scenario 2. As the children get older your DH will be home in time for tea and bath time each evening.

We've always said working away isn't an option for us.

My DH is in oil and gas but onshore but we've considered it over the years and done a long international rotation. Honestly I'd only do that gig if it came with a significant salary that meant I didn't have to do set shifts and just worked adhoc while he was home. When he worked abroad and I was out the hours were mental so it would have been me doing absolutely everything anyway.

Option 1 sounds much better to me. 2 weeks of quality time sounds better for child and bigger help too. But if you are living it and finding it unmanageable then definitely try option 2.

I'd go with option 2. My dds really miss their dad when he's not around and it can affect their behaviour (toddler and pre-school so tantrums). I see the same happen with my friends who have young children and partners who work away for any length of time.

I also agree with pp who mentioned to always go with paid childcare. Although I see the benefit of family taking dc, it can create issues.

I'd 100% go for option 1. Wouldn't want my child looked after strangers if at all possible.

2 weeks off allows for quality time and a 7 til 6.30pm working day allows for hardly any quality time as a family anyway.

I think it depends on whether you like time to yourself. I would choose option 1 as I would enjoy having two weeks just me and the kids (plus having the TV/ bed to myself regularly!)

As a single parent, I don't think doing everything on your own is that hard, especially if you work part time and have family support.
The two weeks your DH is home would be quality time, when he could spend time with the kids, do things around the house or go out for days as a family on your days off.

I've got friends who hate it if their DH is away for even one night though, so it wouldn't be for everyone.

I’d prefer option 1. It actually gives you a lot more time together as a family. The two weeks he’s off you’ll get 8 full days with the three of you, and in the week when everything is less busy. Option 2 you only get 4 days a month when one of you isn’t working.