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Original poster

“Oh, you look rather tired!”

43 replies

macaroonsandgin · 31/01/2023 20:26

A neighbour (who I hardly know) said this when she saw me on our road earlier. I do have a five month old but I hadn’t thought it was that bad 😳

Any tips for how to avoid these kinds of comments in future, bearing in mind the obvious restrictions on time re the five month old?!

Thanks all 😁

OP posts:
dotdotdotdash · 31/01/2023 20:35

‘Did you mean to sound rude?’ Then swan off. Some people have no idea or are indeed, plain rude. Don’t take it on yourself at all.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 31/01/2023 20:37

'Oh do I?' with a little laugh.

'I have a five month old, I'm entitled to look tired.'

Not much point trying to shut her down - people who make comments like that to someone they hardly know aren't doing it out of genuine concern

VanillaLife · 31/01/2023 20:39

I would be tempted to say
‘There must be something in the air because you don’t look too great either’.

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Underadandelion · 31/01/2023 20:40

I always say "aww, so do you!".

FLOWER1982 · 31/01/2023 20:41

massive sunglasses

thisisthway · 31/01/2023 20:41

I use a tinted moisturiser (Nivea do a cheap one) and cream blusher. Plus a bit of mascara. Makes me look a bit more awake.

MysweetAudrina · 31/01/2023 20:43

I would normally just thank someone as I would assume they were concerned and were just reminding me to take care of myself.

thisisthway · 31/01/2023 20:44

I also hate that comment, it's rude!

soboredtonight · 31/01/2023 20:44

Maybe the neighbour was asking after the op from a place of concern and opening up a dialogue of trying to be friendly.

If my neighbour said the same I wouldn't be offended as they are nice people and it wouldn't come from a bad place.

desperadodogface · 31/01/2023 20:47

So do you! Obviously he/ she is my reason... are you ok? (Concerned face)

Underadandelion · 31/01/2023 20:51

You already feel a bit crap and not yourself with a little baby though. If you thought for a second before speaking or wanted to be supportive there's nicer things to say. No one wants to be told they look tired, new mums especially are likely to have less confidence about how they look.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 31/01/2023 20:51

soboredtonight · 31/01/2023 20:44

Maybe the neighbour was asking after the op from a place of concern and opening up a dialogue of trying to be friendly.

If my neighbour said the same I wouldn't be offended as they are nice people and it wouldn't come from a bad place.

Making someone feel bad about themself (i.e insinuating that they look so tired even a near stranger notices) doesn't sound like it's coming from concern or is particularly friendly. I can think of a lot of conversational openers that are better and more positive than that, especially to someone with a new baby,

Original poster
macaroonsandgin · 31/01/2023 20:55

Ooh, great ideas for ways to respond, thank you so much everyone.

It’s quite telling that I was actually thinking about ways of avoiding these comments by making myself look better!!

Maybe I need to think more about my self-confidence rather than ways of disguising the tiredness…

OP posts:
dotdotdotdash · 31/01/2023 20:57

Even if comments like this do come from a place of concern, people can stand to learn better social skills so I’d be putting them straight.

Veryverycalmnow · 31/01/2023 20:59

I say things without thinking when trying to make small talk and often say something awkward. I still don't think I would say that. Mums are tired, it doesn't need rubbing in.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 31/01/2023 20:59

Maybe I need to think more about my self-confidence rather than ways of disguising the tiredness…

Definitely. Why disguise the tiredness, you're a new mother.

I'm convinced stuff like this is a power move to put the recipient on the back foot from the off. I had a manager who'd tell me how tired I looked until I told him it was due to being overworked and underpaid.

dotdotdotdash · 31/01/2023 21:08

Yes @MrsDanversGlidesAgain :)

If you don’t want to say anything, the Paddington state is very useful!

dotdotdotdash · 31/01/2023 21:08

Paddington stare, not state!

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 31/01/2023 21:09

dotdotdotdash · 31/01/2023 21:08

Yes @MrsDanversGlidesAgain :)

If you don’t want to say anything, the Paddington state is very useful!

With a 'Huh' after 30 seconds has elapsed.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 31/01/2023 21:10

"thanks, you too!"

I've done this a few times. Oh their faces! great comedy

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 31/01/2023 21:13

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 31/01/2023 21:10

"thanks, you too!"

I've done this a few times. Oh their faces! great comedy

Actually LOL'ed at that. Their faces while they work that out and you walk off with a cheery smile and a wave.

Best suggestion on the thread.

VladmirsPoutine · 31/01/2023 21:15

Say "You too, there must be something in the air" and smile.

JooftheNorth · 31/01/2023 21:22

Reminds me of the time when..
A man stopped and watched me push my very heavy son up a hill (I had lost a lot of blood during birth and was struggling). He said, when I got closer to him at the top, "I don't mean to sound rude, I mean this in the nicest possible way BUT you look fucked mate"

I laughed manically in a way a new sleep deprived and anaemic mother only can and kept walking. I'd have loved to have been ready with a come back but I'm not that quick. Something like "fuck off" would have sufficed.

Scotty12 · 31/01/2023 21:23

Oh just ignore her. Perhaps just a bit clumsy…. My mother in law used to frequently tell me I looked pale and / or tired. I’d either ignore her or say - yes I am tired….!

Minniem2020 · 31/01/2023 21:24

I hate when someone says that to me. I usually just reply with "oh yes I am feeling a bit tired today," inside I'm screaming " you'd look tired too if you hadn't slept for 5 fucking years!!!!"