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Original poster

BF's husband in debt - would you tell her?

36 replies

Mammyofonlyone · 31/01/2023 20:18

Just that. There is a bit of context but, in short, if your BF had been left in debt by an ex partner and then you discovered her current husband had run up tens of thousands in debts in one month, would you a) keep out of their private affairs or b) tell her what you know with a view to damage limitation?

OP posts:
Changingplace · 31/01/2023 20:20

How do you know? She might already be aware anyway? Depends what the debts are for, gambling/drugs etc yeah potentially.

Original poster
Mammyofonlyone · 31/01/2023 20:23

He told my husband on the weekend. Apparently it's a crypto 'investment' that he thinks he going to get back, but even yesterday they asked him for an extra £8k so he could get the 'password' to allow him to access his funds

OP posts:
Original poster
Mammyofonlyone · 31/01/2023 20:24

Also we've have repeatedly told him he needs to tell her about it but he hasn't. He just keeps coming up with excuses as to who he needs to speak to and then it will all be back

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Summerhillsquare · 31/01/2023 20:27

That's not just debt, he's being scammed and may even be a victim of crime. He, and they, need help.

Original poster
Mammyofonlyone · 31/01/2023 20:31

@Summerhillsquare that's what I think too but I am just worried about interfering if I / we have got the wrong end of the stick and we cause problems in their marriage for no reason.
Everything says to us that he has been scammed and he needs to focus on damage limitation but he just doesn't seem to get it. He has now paid some kind of hacker with '100% success rate' to get back his moneys

OP posts:
NearlyMidnight · 31/01/2023 20:33

Agree it's a scam. You need to tell your friend and persuade the husband so that they've got some hope of if not recovery, then at least no more losses.

She'll maybe be liable for losses if they're married.

Original poster
Mammyofonlyone · 31/01/2023 20:35

Thanks. They are married and jointly pay mortgage (I think). The other complication is that they are going on a holiday with extended family that they have spent c.2 years paying for on Saturday.

OP posts:
maddy68 · 31/01/2023 20:36

This has nothing to do with you. A d your DH has been very indiscrete by telling you.

YummyBelicious · 31/01/2023 20:38

Also here to tell you it's a scam. You don't need to pay to release your own funds, and he should have control of his own crypto wallet which I'm guessing he won't have

Original poster
Mammyofonlyone · 31/01/2023 20:39

@maddy68 hence my asking on here for an outside opinion. I know if I were in my BFs shoes and she knew this about my husband but chose not to tell me I would be very upset with her. We have been best friends since we were three and I want to make sure she and her children are ok

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TheFlis12345 · 31/01/2023 20:41

It’s a scam. You don’t pay for your own password. If he won’t listen to your husband I would tell her before he bankrupts them.

MoneyInTheBananaStand · 31/01/2023 20:41

You need to tell her. Her DH is obviously being scammed and he's desperately trying to believe it will all come good in the end.

If it comes out that you knew she would feel even more betrayed.

Tamarindtree · 31/01/2023 20:42

Sadly it could end with ‘shoot the messenger’.

Or you could all be together and ‘innocently’ ask him ‘Have you reported the scam to the police yet?’

Original poster
Mammyofonlyone · 31/01/2023 20:44

@MoneyInTheBananaStand this is exactly what I was thinking but was just hoping for a better solution for her. She has also had a few very high pressure weeks work wise (she is the main breadwinner) so I hate the thought of driving down to her to tell her this news

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Divebar2021 · 31/01/2023 20:46

I used to investigate scams and my
god persuading some people that were not winning the Canadian lottery ( from the U.K.) was bloody tough. They hadn’t even bought a lottery ticket. You need to tell her - particularly if you have been present when he’s discussed it. If he’s pissed off at you then so be it… you will at least know you did your best by your friend.

Original poster
Mammyofonlyone · 31/01/2023 20:47

@Tamarindtree you are right it could. I am willing to risk that though if it means they are able to do something to save the debt. As I say, she is my best friend so I want her and her family to be ok.

If it came down to her asking me for evidence though both my husband and I have enough over the messages we have sent to her DH urging him to stop/go to CAB/tell her.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 31/01/2023 20:47

I would 100% tell her.

Sisters before misters. Or something along those lines. If he's stupid enough to tell his friend, why can't you tell yours because you care.

Emmamoo89 · 31/01/2023 20:52

Definitely tell her x

superdupernova · 31/01/2023 20:54

I have investments in crypto. I don't need money to access them. If he does, he invested and has lost more money than he can afford to lose, he can access it if he wants but he just wants more money to invest.

Original poster
Mammyofonlyone · 31/01/2023 20:56

I agree with telling her, I just wanted to sense check i wasn't out of line. I'll drive down tomorrow and tell her. She is wfh and winding down before her holiday so will hopefully be able to see me to chat

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MimiSunshine · 31/01/2023 20:57

Tell her. Tell her. Tell her.

through my job i know about these scams. The ‘hacker’ he’s now paying is the same scammer who got him in this mess in the first place.
he’ll be absolutely rinsed dry before they stop.

tbe banks know this is a problem and are trying to stop people doing it but the victims don’t want to accept they’ve been scammed and ignore all warning signs.

the banks may reimburse them for the money lost so far but he / she needs to stop it all and talk to their banks fin crime team NOW.

Puppers · 31/01/2023 20:58

100% you need to tell her. No question about it. He's putting her in an extremely precarious situation and she has probably got no idea. For her and the children, she needs to know before he completely ruins them and they lose their home. There's no guarantee that she won't shoot the messenger or believe his excuses but I could live with that if I'd tried to warn her. I couldn't live with sitting back and watching my lifelong best friend and her children lose everything because I didn't want to cause a fuss.

PurpleReindeer2 · 31/01/2023 21:00

Please tell her. It's a scam. :-(

earsup · 31/01/2023 21:01

Oh dear....these people who help you recover funds are also scammers....really cannot believe people still fall for these scams...so much awareness about them all....niece in spain invested only 40 euros in one, its now worth about 2 euros, but the loss is very small and she never expected big money from it. lesson learnt.. tell your friend.

earsup · 31/01/2023 21:03

Tell your friend to look up ' yahoo boys'....hundreds of lads in internet places all mostly in nigeria or ghana all playing these people for cash !

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