Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Helping dd practise her driving, how to cope

38 replies

Alsonification · 30/01/2023 21:20

Dd is 24 and currently getting driving lessons. First 2 lessons the instructor took her to a nearby industrial estate as it was evening so all shops closed but it's a great place to learn as there's plenty of roads & roundabouts. There's the odd truck or car but otherwise quiet.
So in between lessons I took dd there to practise in my car a couple of times. 3rd lesson he let her drive back from the industrial estate to Tesco where she meets him. Dd did her 4th lesson last Thursday. She was taken out on the road but to a very busy area & there was so many cars that she panicked a bit & came home after quite unnerved. Instructor told her she needs way more practise in between lessons to get used to other traffic.
So it's on me to take her (single parent).
Now she's insured on my car & I got L plates to put on etc so that's all fine but how the hell do I keep myself calm & not let dd know that inside my heart is racing? I took her out this evening, just to my parents house & back. Literally a 5 mins drive passing through 2 small roundabouts. She managed ok but I was clenching my teeth the whole time & I've now got a splitting headache.
I know it's necessary & I want her driving for her own independence but Jesus I'm sick with nerves.

OP posts:
Theraffarian · 30/01/2023 21:31

I actually decided the stress levels weren’t worth it when my two learnt to drive , nothing really wrong with either of their driving but a driving instructor has the benefit of controls his/her side which I didn’t . As a compromise I paid for 50% of their lessons , which was well worth my stress free existence . Also I found driving instructors tend to push for 2 lessons a week , and actually one a week worked fine for both of mine .

DuesToTheDirt · 30/01/2023 21:33

"Instructor told her she needs way more practise in between lessons to get used to other traffic."

I disagree, she doesn't seem ready for this. The instructor is experienced and has dual controls - it's up to them to teach her at a suitable pace, and it sounds like they're trying to progress too quickly.

You can help by practising in quiet places like your nearby industrial estate. Even if there are few vehicles it will help her with spatial awareness, control of gears, use of mirrors and other things that she needs to become proficient in.

KangarooKenny · 30/01/2023 21:35

I didn’t drive with mine, they just went with an instructor. Perhaps he’s not the one for her ?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Driving & parking
Duttercup · 30/01/2023 21:36

I passed my test quite recently and I did go out with my husband and Dad but not until I was confident to just drive and only needed them for judgement calls and moral support.

I'm surprised her instructor has said to go out on her own so early. I doubt he'd be getting in a car with her without dual controls yet.

Other than that, worst comes to the worst, know you can pull the handbrake up. It's horrific, but it will stop the car!

Duttercup · 30/01/2023 21:37

Oh yes, and car parks and industrial estates are a good compromise. Having someone sit next to you so you can practice parking for half an hour is really helpful.

DrPollyAmory · 30/01/2023 21:39

You absolutely don't have to do this, OP, if you're not comfortable with it. My DC are all learning at the moment and I am not going out with them. There is no way I would be taking them out in my car, even if I could insure them for it (which I can't). I am leaving it to the professionals. I did the same when I learnt to drive - just had weekly lessons. It's a silly thing for an instructor to say. It's their job to work with their pupils and gradually build up their confidence and skills, not yours.

Floralnomad · 30/01/2023 21:40

My daughter , who is a similar age is also learning to drive and her instructor has said she will tell her when she thinks she is safe / competent enough to practice with me and she will also give me some tips on where to go . She’s had her third lesson today and was driving on quite busy roads , hilly starts etc . I’d leave it for a bit .

ArtVandalay · 30/01/2023 21:40

I used to take mine to a quiet private estate over the road from us (think just country lanes, no traffic) primarily for them to practice reversing and 3 point turns. They were both calm and confident (both passed first time), but I was a nervous wreck even doing practice manoeuvres.

They got plenty of general driving practice in their lessons, which were 2 hours long.

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 30/01/2023 21:40

I feel your pain. Where I live, learner drivers need 120 hours of practice before they can do their test - I can't afford that in professional lessons!

It's genuinely terrifying at first - simultaneously fearing for your own life, that of your baby, and your precious car. I can only suggest staying off road and in carparks, industrial estates etc until you are both really comfortable, then just go around the block from there. Sometimes we set up cones and do parking practice, then it feels more purposeful.

We talk a LOT, about everything that's happening around and in front, I feel better knowing DS has anticipated hazards up ahead and is ready.

I try to remind myself that we're doing low speeds in a very safe car and if worse comes to worst I'll probably end up with a banged up car but not much more.

Know your limits though, and keep the lessons short, tap out if either of you are overwhelmed. I often have to reassure to DS that he's doing fine, it's just my mum's worry getting the better of me!

Redcrayons · 30/01/2023 21:44

I didn’t take either of mine out till about 10 lessons, on the advice of the instructor. It was terrifying enough when they’d got a few hours under their belt.

As for how to remain calm, it will get easier as she gets better, but it’s pretty hard. I made a conscious effort to praise the good bits, otherwise it was just me constantly correcting them.

onepieceoflollipop · 30/01/2023 21:45

I’ve just been through this with my slightly younger daughter.

I had a phone chat with her instructor for guidance.

to start with we just did some tootling around local roads that the instructor took her on.

Only you know if you are prone to being a nervous passenger or not. I felt reasonably safe with my dd and to hide my slight nerves I kept one hand under my upper leg and pinched it (as an alternative to ‘braking’ or grabbing the door handle!)

it’s not for everyone, what helped me was that I think having more opportunity to practice and gain experience was beneficial for my dd.

Hopeandglory · 30/01/2023 21:47

I used to drive to an industrial site and the DD would drive around, as she became more competent we began driving locally until she drove daily. It helped that she had her own car and insurance and was one of the first in her group to drive so ended up doing endless lifts with me riding shotgun. She passed first time 4 months after her 17th birthday

Mumof1andacat · 30/01/2023 21:47

I think practicing manoeuvres might be better for you. My husband can park in any space with any size car as his mum took him to empty car parks to practice. Gives you a good feel for the car will move when you turn the wheel

onepieceoflollipop · 30/01/2023 21:47

At the end of every practice we sat in the car for a bit of feedback. As someone else said it is important to try and give some praise. Also I’d focus on the areas they really need to concentrate on/any safety issues ‘stay in your lane’!! in our case…

Lcb123 · 30/01/2023 21:49

I don’t think she should be practising yet. I think it can be helpful but only in the latter stages of learning. She needs far
more lessons first. If you do take her, go at very quiet times / very quiet places

HippeePrincess · 30/01/2023 21:51

Sounds like she’s making very slow progress with the instructor, by lesson 4 I was fine practicing with my dad but I know others aren’t. She doesn’t sound ready to practice with you yet besides very quiet or empty spaces!

Hadalifeonce · 30/01/2023 21:52

Can you not go with her to quite areas, so she can get used to controlling the car. Then gradually take her to busier areas, with professional instructor and going out with you she will become more proficient more quickly.

Icanflyhigh · 30/01/2023 21:53

I tried so hard to sit next to DD1, but the truth is I am a shockingly bad passenger and I just made her nervous.

Augustone · 30/01/2023 21:56

Nerves of steel and don't let her see you are scared. I did so many laps around the local industrial estate, security guards started giving us a friendly wave......
We did hill starts, stops, turns, reversing, observations and hazard identification until we ventured onto quiet roads, eventually ending up in towns and busy roads.

One bonus I didn't expect was that I got to have a lot of one to one time with my DD and DS and we talked about so much random stuff on our drives out that I miss it now they have passed their tests. Don't miss having my Sunday afternoons and evenings back though....

WalkingThroughTreacle · 30/01/2023 22:01

I would get her fully used to controlling the car in the absence of traffic first. I supported three of my kids learning to drive, in addition to them getting proper lessons. I spent a lot of time with them on industrial estates and deserted roads just letting them get their confidence with the car without either of us having to worry about pedestrians or other vehicles. One exercise that really helped them was to find a hill and let them practice clutch control, then find a steeper hill and repeat. A couple of sessions on that made a world of difference to them when they went out with their instructor.

cansu · 30/01/2023 22:05

Until she has had enough lessons to be safe I would stick to an empty car park and practise parking and turning etc. I didn't drive with anyone else until I was more confident.

Tomblibooz · 30/01/2023 22:12

You can hire dual control cars from some car hire places, so you get the benefit of having a real brake too.

ACynicalDad · 30/01/2023 22:15

I think it’s reasonable to say that as you don’t have dual controls she can’t do as much in your car as she can in the instructors. Let her drive round the industrial estate with you but any more will need to wait until she’s had a loan more lessons.

Redcrayons · 30/01/2023 22:15

One bonus I didn't expect was that I got to have a lot of one to one time with my DD and DS and we talked about so much random stuff on our drives out that I miss it now they have passed their tests. Don't miss having my Sunday afternoons and evenings back though

100% agree with this. It was so nice to have that one on one time.

L1ttledrummergirl · 30/01/2023 22:19

I taught my 3 dc without an instructor, they did an under 17 driving course on an airfield though so could drive, reverse and do maneuvers though which is what I would expect an instructor to teach.

We started on a quiet, wide road. Practising starting, stopping, pulling away so lots of mirror, signal, maneuver. We introduced reversing around a corner and turn in the road to build confidence and only moved onto a busier road when they were ready.

Some things that helped me- a stick on interior mirror so I could do all observations, avoid giving feedback in the car other than brief instructions so "watch your left", "brake" "think about gears", etc. Keep it positive, lots of affirmative, so nice "gear change", "good use of mirrors", "well done on spotting pedestrian", etc. Be calm and debrief afterwards.

Remember that if needed (emergencies only or they get cross), you can pull up the handbrake or knock the gearstick into neutral to slow or stop the car.

Swipe left for the next trending thread