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Original poster

DD10 sneaking food

42 replies

demotedreally · 30/01/2023 20:59

So we've just upgraded DD10 bedroom furniture and I've had a good clear out of her room. She is quite messy and there were amounts of dirty laundry in drawers etc which I wasn't too thrilled about, but I also found loads of sweet wrappers l, chocolate wrappers etc. Mostly from Christmas choc gifts by the looks of it.

Having cleaned it all out over the weekend, I've just found a pile more.

We tend to have sweets and chocolate around but are now going to move them. I'm not really sure when she is taking it, she doesn't have that much time downstairs on her own.

She has also got significantly fat the last few weeks. I thought it was growing up podge developing but I now think it is eating all the treats.

I've not bollocked her but I have done some of the disappointed face and told her she must be feeling very ashamed herself.

What should I do?

OP posts:
Skinnermarink · 30/01/2023 21:05

Well you çan probably stop using language like ‘considerably fat’ for a start.

have a chat to her about it? Put the treats away? It’s not abnormal behaviour for her age.

Sorry is this actually real? You really shamed her?

Original poster
demotedreally · 30/01/2023 21:08

Thanks for saying it is normal, it is very helpful.

Your tone, not so much.

She said she feels awful about it, but clearly that hasn't stopped her, which is the bit I am worried about

OP posts:
BankOfDave · 30/01/2023 21:09

“Significantly fat, podge, bollock, ashamed, disappointed face”.

Slow clap for really shit communication 👏

MaoamAddict · 30/01/2023 21:11

If she's gorging on junk and hiding it, I'd be bloody cross! It's unhealthy, sneaky and unhygienic. I'd stop buying chocolate and junk food if she's going to behave like this

Skinnermarink · 30/01/2023 21:11

demotedreally · 30/01/2023 21:08

Thanks for saying it is normal, it is very helpful.

Your tone, not so much.

She said she feels awful about it, but clearly that hasn't stopped her, which is the bit I am worried about

She’s ten. She hasn’t mastered impulse control. No need to make her feel shit about it though.

bravelittletiger · 30/01/2023 21:12

Why should she be ashamed? With the sort of language you're using about food and body image I wouldn't be surprised if she has picked up an unhealthy relationship with food where she has to feel "ashamed" for eating sweet things to the point she has to hide things.

I don't even really understand the issue. Your 10 year old has eaten a load of sweets and stuffed the packets in her room. Sounds very normal and very much not something to be angry or ashamed about. I would just tell her to ask if she wants sweets (if that's the issue?) and leave it at that.

Notjusta · 30/01/2023 21:13

Yeah I don't think yelling her she should be ashamed was great.

But .. both my DC have done/ do this. It's a horrible feeling, I know. I really do feel for you.

I haven't solved it fully but essentially I try to only put out small amounts of 'treat' food - so one cereal bar/small bag or crisps etc - and don't leave the whole multi pack in the cupboard.

Zola1 · 30/01/2023 21:14

Instead of shaming her and telling her how disappointed you are and calling her fat to a bunch of strangers..have you talked about how she is feeling when she takes food, does she hide it or eat it straight away, what is she thinking when she hides the wrappers, why does she feel eating snacks is something she wants to do secretly?

I would also suggest a bit of thinking about your house food and diet attitudes and rules.. is food split into good and bad? What would have happened if she had eaten the chocolates and not hidden the wrappers etc? Are you an avid dieter, what messages is she picking up about fuelling her body?
The food isn't the issue so please please move away from the shame. The stealing is the issue, and the fact at 10 she wants to secretly eat.

Original poster
demotedreally · 30/01/2023 21:16

I didn't tell her she should be ashamed I asked her if she felt bad about it and she said yes. She knew she shouldn't have done it. We don't eat upstairs or between meals.

I used the word ashamed for the grownups on this thread to describe the feelings she expressed. I didn't tell her she looked fat, which is why I didn't say I had.

I did however ask for advice, not feedback ...

OP posts:
Cheeeseontoasts · 30/01/2023 21:16

Open up the communication without saying things that are going to make her feel judged.

Don’t ban all treats, but insist that all food is stored and eaten downstairs. Get her to help set some easy-to-stick to rules, such as always asking before taking something from the cupboard. Allow her some choice, and help her to feel in control.

If you demonise the treats now and restrict access then you will be setting her up for bigger binges when she’s older and not under your control.

Don’t make this about weight, make it about empowering her to make good choices for herself.

Original poster
demotedreally · 30/01/2023 21:19

Thanks for some latter posts.

We aren't wierd about food at all here, and they eat more junk than perhaps they should but not in their bedrooms alone and not by binging.
We don't diet, we try to eat veg / fruit but we don't always
I'll put the food out of reach but it will be a strange new world for our family and the other kids will wonder.

OP posts:
AndyWarholsPiehole · 30/01/2023 21:20

It sounds like she might be comfort eating.

Notjusta · 30/01/2023 21:21

Hmm I think you are backtracking a little bit.

"We don't eat upstairs or between meals" indicates quite a rigid approach to food. Perhaps some types of food have become too forbidden?

Maverickess · 30/01/2023 21:23

Talk to her about why she's doing it, what she gets out of it rather than tell her she should be ashamed because from personal experience, she may well just get sneakier and become more creative to get it and hide the evidence rather than stop, and it will escalate. Being ashamed doesn't always stop you doing it, it makes you hide it better.

Let her know it's ok to talk about why she's feeling the need to do this, she obviously knows that you wouldn't approve or she'd be doing it in front of you, so she's got some awareness of it not being good - but focus on why it's not good and I mean the health implications not just 'you will get fat '.

It's fairly normal I think, but it can escalate into something worse if it's not dealt with right.

mynameiscalypso · 30/01/2023 21:25

I did this at a similar age. I ended up developing a full blown eating disorder and still have fucked up eating habits now I'm nearly 40. Tred carefully. For me, it was a lack of self esteem and self-hatred that was driving it. I felt I deserved to feel disgusting and had internalised a lot of my mum's throw away comments about fat/diets.

Luredbyapomegranate · 30/01/2023 21:25

BankOfDave · 30/01/2023 21:09

“Significantly fat, podge, bollock, ashamed, disappointed face”.

Slow clap for really shit communication 👏

This. She’s 10 years old. Kids do not have impulse control. If you carry on like this you may well contribute to a major problem with food.

This is really poor OP. However, just tell her tomorrow you overreacted and you are sorry, however in future can she check re eating snacks.

Snugglemonkey · 30/01/2023 21:26

You don't always get what you want, but what you get sometimes is what you need.

You are disliking the feedback because you know it is inappropriate to shame your daughter and you said quite clearly in your first post:

"I have done some of the disappointed face and told her she must be feeling very ashamed of herself"

You also say "we don't eat between meals". Except, one of you does. In secret.

So my advice is that you think very carefully about what messages you give her about food, shame etc.

Mum2jenny · 30/01/2023 21:28

Restricting food or sweets will cause all sorts of issues. It’s probably a bit too late for your dc OP, but we had a ‘sweet platter’ and a fruit bowl, both of which could be accessed by dc at any time. So sweets were available at all times. It did stop them accessing them all the time as they knew they were there when they wanted. The fruit bowl was hit much harder….

Luredbyapomegranate · 30/01/2023 21:29

… obviously if you think there’s a deeper issue, talk to her about that. I don’t helping her to manage that is going to be your strong point (no offence intended, we all have different strengths) so if bigger issues do evolve, somewhere like BEAT is a good place to start for advice.

Onnabugeisha · 30/01/2023 21:30

She’s secretly eating food because you’ve made eating between meals something for her to be ashamed about:
I've not bollocked her but I have done some of the disappointed face and told her she must be feeling very ashamed herself.

There’s nothing wrong or unhealthy with eating between meals…3 meals a day is a social construct. Biologically many people have different eating patterns that are actually more healthy for them than 3 set meals a day. She’s got nothing to be ashamed of at all.

I hope the “putting food out of reach” was sarcasm, because if that’s what you are considering then you are causing your DD to have disordered secretive eating.

Bim2021 · 30/01/2023 21:32

Why do you restrict eating between meals?

Cupofteaforall · 30/01/2023 21:37

Have a snack corner in her room and have a talk about what she would like . Children love to munch on between meals and it's perfectly normal. I just don't let mine eat something just before a meal as I would want them to have an appetite for the meal.

I think as parents we get to eat whenever we feel like and kids have to ask us all the time which feels unfair.

Original poster
demotedreally · 30/01/2023 21:38

Some helpful advice thanks, but all the smart Alec's telling me I need to try harder, I didn't just come here for the kicking. I've come for the help.

I'm surprised so many of you would be totally fine with lots of sweet wrappers in a kids drawers and obvious weight gain. I'm sorry the word fat is so offensive to many, but it is a thing, many people are fat..

I am not planning on reopening the conversation, which presumably many of you think is a good idea 😁, but we are not going to start encouraging sweet eating whenever she likes, nor eating through a box of chocolates I'd been given as a gift. I'm also not about to start having people eating in bedrooms rather than at the table or occasionally in front of the TV.

OP posts:
Onnabugeisha · 30/01/2023 21:45

I don’t think anyone has said they are fine with the situation, but rather it has been caused by your strict food rules and your actions of shaming her are only going to make it worse, not better.

But you’re free to ignore the advice. Easier to blame your “fat” DD for what’s going on than it is to admit any responsibility for pushing your DD into disordered secretive eating behaviours.

Lcb123 · 30/01/2023 21:47

Please don’t demonise this - why should she feel ‘bad’? She’s a child. She must be so upset by your comments.