DD10 sneaking food

[demotedreally]

So we've just upgraded DD10 bedroom furniture and I've had a good clear out of her room. She is quite messy and there were amounts of dirty laundry in drawers etc which I wasn't too thrilled about, but I also found loads of sweet wrappers l, chocolate wrappers etc. Mostly from Christmas choc gifts by the looks of it.

Having cleaned it all out over the weekend, I've just found a pile more.

We tend to have sweets and chocolate around but are now going to move them. I'm not really sure when she is taking it, she doesn't have that much time downstairs on her own.

She has also got significantly fat the last few weeks. I thought it was growing up podge developing but I now think it is eating all the treats.

I've not bollocked her but I have done some of the disappointed face and told her she must be feeling very ashamed herself.

What should I do?

Same. And my mum telling me I should be ashamed or describing me as “considerably fat” would have made it a million times worse than it already was.

This. ^^

How many more vile ways can you find to speak to/about your DD, OP?

Disgusting really.

What should you do?

Talk to her - by chatting things through about her day, friendship dynamics, school work, possible secondary school worries, any family stuff, any other worries. That way you might find out why she is choosing to eat in secret and hide it from you.

Also she might be tired, hormonal etc and like the quick pick me up that sugary stuff gives.

Only a conversation, where you listen to her, is going to help you get to the bottom of this.

"...told her she must be very ashamed of herself."

This is so nasty.

This is the sort of thing I'd expect you to say to her had she been caught bullying a class mate, shoplifting or kicking your family pet or something.

So out of proportion and just mean, frankly.

Instead of being a complete arsehole to her about sneaking some sweet treats into her room, why don't you take the time to educate her about healthy eating. Why not make some healthy versions of her favourite junk food and ask her if she'd like to help with the cooking.

Though reading your first comment I think you sound like a troll.

I'd be thinking
? Sugar addiction
? Accidental malnutrition, needs magnesium (chocolate).
? Is she being bullied or abused
? Hormones

She knows about healthy eating. She cooks most of our meals for the family.

I suspect she also has some other things going on, and this post has made me think I might be right.

I think people might have misunderstood that we are rigid about food. We just don't tend to eat between meals. Noone says no, noone asks. They have a snack after school or a piece of cake if one of us bakes one, but we don't endlessly eat. I didn't think that was unusual.

Shaming a child for eating treats secretly is likely to encourage the behaviour rather than stop her doing it. It’s also not advisable to be using shame as a tactic around eating. No one is saying you shouldn’t have broached the topic with her, but even the language you use in your post is a bit inappropriate when talking about a child’s weight and eating habits :/

We might have all got off on the wrong foot because sometimes Mumsnet likes people to say it how it is but sometimes it is better to pussyfoot around the topic.

If I had said I was getting fat from eating loads of chocolate I'd have had some different responses I suspect.

I don't think I have made her feel worse. I just am not sure I have made her feel better. I picked up her dressing gown this evening and some sweet wrappers all landed on the floor. I couldn't exactly pretend I hadn't noticed. She looked at me with a sad face and I said oh dear and she said she was sorry and felt bad, so I gave her a hug and a kiss and wondered what the right thing to say or do next was.

So I trotted downstairs to Mumsnet and received some helpful advice to set up a snack corner in her bedroom!

I have removed the sweets etc from the shelf in the kitchen because it is not fair on her siblings if she eats it all. I won't tell them why as she ha asked me not to, because she feels bad.

This will not be about the sweets. It will be about something else. Usually there is a trigger such as emotional stress. An interesting article here: www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/parenting/my-daughter-is-stealing-hoarding-food-and-secret-eating-1.3519991

I see an awful lot of double standards on here when it comes to adolescent boys and girls - lots of 'lol, teen DS eating me out of house and home, hollow legs' etc, but DDs being called greedy, sneaky, being made to feel ashamed for similar behaviours.

Over the next few years she has to grow a foot taller, change body shape, remodel her brain and activate her reproductive system. It's worth having a look at her whole diet to make sure she's getting big enough meal portions and enough protein and fat to fuel development.

Also, you saying she does a lot of the cooking is raising a red flag to me, I'm afraid. People with eating disorders often like to make a big thing of doing a lot of cooking and food preparation for others while avoiding actually eating it themselves. That tied in with the secret eating may well indicate some issues that you really need to take seriously.

I think you need advice on supporting children to gain a positive body image. Your language tends to suggest your not very aware of the dangers of eating disorders or how to support children.

Your child has engaged in a time honored right of passage. She doesn’t need to feel bad. You certainly shouldn’t be using words like shame, even when discussing the issue with others.

Almost every child in the world will experiment with sneaking extra treats if given the opportunity. It isn’t just about the treats. It is also about testing the rules and getting away with something. It’s an attempt at behaving like the grownups who eat whatever they want, whenever they want. It is a relatively benign behavior unless you happen to live in a candy store.

when I found my dd’s wrappers, I just reminded her that trash needs to go in the bin. If she had gotten a reaction out of me, it would have been proof that she did something wrong or illicit. All she did was go in the pantry and select a food item, just like the adults do every day. By signaling that I wasn’t going to turn it into an issue, it didn’t become one and the secrecy stopped.

Honestly you need to recognise that your way of talking, thinking and shaming her is setting her up for disordered eating. I feel very sad for her, the fat phobia and disgust you’re projecting on to her will set up some very bad thought patterns.

@demotedreally , we’ll, you’ve pretty much had your arse handed to you on a plate here. I’m sending you empathy as I have a teen DD who is diagnosed with binge eating disorder and she pretty much started where your DD is, and at the same age. I think all the comments about body shaming are really unfair as surely no parent wants to think of their child having a shortened life expectancy due to obesity or a fatty liver?

Binge eating disorder is a much misunderstood mental health disorder and I would suggest that you contact BEAT, the eating disorder charity to ask for help.

My DD’s eating disorder is so problematic that we have to hide our bank cards and money to prevent her stealing them to fund her binges. We live in a giant dustbin as my DD conceals (but not too well) all of her wrappers behind furniture, under rugs, under carpets, in her clothes cupboards, in her younger sister’s bed, behind radiators, on top of wardrobes, in her pillowcases, inside her duvet covers, inside the sofa cushions, in shoes, and everywhere else you can possibly think of. The concealing of the wrappers is part of the denial about the condition.

Nobody in the family can ever have sweets or chocolates as they are all consumed by DD1. I have to hide the limited cash I keep in the house (currently in a Dobble game tin) as DD ransacks the house like a burglar every time I/we go out in order to find money and excess sugar. She even found my six-year-old’s stash of sweets hidden in the shoe polish bag; no mean feat for a kid who is blind!

Honestly, OP, if I could urge you to do one thing, it would be to contact BEAT and seek appropriate help for you and your DD ASAP as eating disorders are more successfully overcome the less time they are entrenched.

I have done some of the disappointed face and told her she must be feeling very ashamed herself.

Your poor dd. Yes the behaviour may not be ideal or what you wished, she got it wrong, kids do.
Have you considered she may have been comfort eating?

If you are looking for someone to feel ashamed, try taking a long look in the mirror.

I say that having suffered AN for the last 20 years. You may struggle to undo the damage you have just done, it can just take a single comment, coupled with environmental, behavioural psychological factors, that leads some one to develop a condition from which 20% will die. That doesn't sit well with me.

Why do you think she should feel bad, o/p?

what happens to treats kept downstairs? Do they get eaten quickly? It’s not uncommon for kids to hoard food if they know if they don’t have a biscuit now someone else will eat it and there won’t be any left when they do want one.