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Original poster

Self imposed etiquette?

69 replies

BuzzBeeEmoticon · 30/01/2023 07:47

I rarely accept drinks at peoples houses because I don’t want to impose and I don’t really like drinks (soft drinks or any drinks!) so I’d rather just not have one and I usually take a bottle of water with me. But multiple people have told me they find it strange!

Someone noticed that I wasn’t sitting back in the chair and mentioned it, but that’s another “rule” I have for visiting people, don’t get too comfy in the chairs, don’t put feet up etc because I think it’s rude/impolite. I asked my parents and they don’t have these ideas so I don’t know where it came from! The funny thing is if someone did that at my house I wouldn’t think it was rude or I probably wouldn’t even notice?

Does anyone else have anything like this?

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 30/01/2023 07:50

Sounds like you struggle to relax at other people’s houses. I’m imagining you perched on the edge of your seat clutching your bottle of water.

I would always want guests to feel at home in my house and would produce a glass of water for them, no need to bring their own.

RampantIvy · 30/01/2023 07:55

and I usually take a bottle of water with me. But multiple people have told me they find it strange!

That's because it is. If you came to my house I would want to make you feel welcome by offering you a drink, even if it is just a glass of water. Offering and accepting drinks is normal and oils the wheels of social interaction. Surely, you must know this?

Are you always this socially awkward?

ChilliBandit · 30/01/2023 07:56

Honestly if you never accepted drinks at my house and sat on the edge of the sofa, I’d think you thought my house was dirty.

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General relationships
Tamarindtree · 30/01/2023 08:04

If you came to ours and rejected any drinks and sat there stiffly drinking your own water I would think you were being passive aggressive rude and you would not be invited again.

Original poster
BuzzBeeEmoticon · 30/01/2023 08:05

Well yes I am aware that it makes me look like this but on the flip side, forcing me to take a drink when I don’t want one isn’t welcoming either is it? So not really sure I understand the logic.

I’m not like this if I know someone well and they’ve made it clear I can get comfortable, but on a first visit, somewhere in my upbringing I learnt it’s impolite to do so straight away!

OP posts:
Hugsgalore · 30/01/2023 08:05

ChilliBandit · 30/01/2023 07:56

Honestly if you never accepted drinks at my house and sat on the edge of the sofa, I’d think you thought my house was dirty.

I would feel like this too

Geneticsbunny · 30/01/2023 08:08

You don't need to accept a drink but don't take your own water. It is rude. It implies that you think the people you are visiting are shit hosts and won't even offer you a glass of water.

unclebuck · 30/01/2023 08:08

Tamarindtree · 30/01/2023 08:04

If you came to ours and rejected any drinks and sat there stiffly drinking your own water I would think you were being passive aggressive rude and you would not be invited again.

This

RampantIvy · 30/01/2023 08:09

forcing me to take a drink when I don’t want one isn’t welcoming either is it?

So just say no thank you. You do sound very rigid. What kind of upbringing did you have?

BurbageBrook · 30/01/2023 08:10

I’ve had guests like you and it does make the host feel very awkward if the guest can’t relax.

ThreeRingCircus · 30/01/2023 08:10

ChilliBandit · 30/01/2023 07:56

Honestly if you never accepted drinks at my house and sat on the edge of the sofa, I’d think you thought my house was dirty.

So would I. From what you describe I'd think you were very uncomfortable in my home. If other people have noticed and commented can you see that this is strange behaviour rather than etiquette? I actually don't think it's polite and could come across the opposite way.....as rude and standoffish.

There's nothing wrong with accepting a glass of water from someone who is hosting you.

Original poster
BuzzBeeEmoticon · 30/01/2023 08:10

As I side note I think it’s incredibly rude for someone to say to me how weird I am for not wanting a drink when at their house as they don’t know the reason I don’t want one so it’s for the best I suppose!

OP posts:
Original poster
BuzzBeeEmoticon · 30/01/2023 08:12

RampantIvy · 30/01/2023 08:09

forcing me to take a drink when I don’t want one isn’t welcoming either is it?

So just say no thank you. You do sound very rigid. What kind of upbringing did you have?

A relaxed one! Which is why I asked. This things are drilled into me as politeness from somewhere but if they are not “real” etiquette rules (which they’re clearly not) I can let them go so this thread has been helpful! It makes me sound awful I am aware but if I do not need to do these things to be polite then I won’t!

OP posts:
Pennyforthezombies · 30/01/2023 08:13

BuzzBeeEmoticon · 30/01/2023 08:10

As I side note I think it’s incredibly rude for someone to say to me how weird I am for not wanting a drink when at their house as they don’t know the reason I don’t want one so it’s for the best I suppose!

I agree - I wouldn’t think you were rude at all and I hope that I would be accommodating and accepting and let you do what makes you feel comfortable in my home.

WendyAndClyde · 30/01/2023 08:14

The combination of refusing a drink and sitting on the edge of the chair looking like you were ready to take flight, would make me think you didn't want to be there and that you felt under duress to stay. I'm not sure I'd invite you back if you were giving off that vibe.

Tamarindtree · 30/01/2023 08:17

If someone is fussing around you about giving you a drink, have you not considered that they might be feeling a little anxious and are worried that they are not doing enough to make you feel welcome?

You sound very self absorbed and focused on your own emotions.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 30/01/2023 08:20

I feel like this is a cultural thing maybe? Are you in Uk?

eveyone I know (I’m in UK) offers people a drink as they enter their home. It’s like a common way to welcome guests into you home- “want a cuppa”

it’s fine not to want a drink, but I imagine people feel odd about it because it doesn’t fit in to what they’re used to.

if you didn’t want a drink at my house and say holy upright I’d be worried you weren’t comfortable or relaxed and that would make me feel uncomfortable.

how come you don’t just accept a glass of water from people.

I agree though It’s not nice to say you are weird for not accepting a drink.

Original poster
BuzzBeeEmoticon · 30/01/2023 08:21

Tamarindtree · 30/01/2023 08:17

If someone is fussing around you about giving you a drink, have you not considered that they might be feeling a little anxious and are worried that they are not doing enough to make you feel welcome?

You sound very self absorbed and focused on your own emotions.

I would say the same about them though in that situation. It’s self absorbed to assume everyone behaves in the same way and are weird if they don’t. Expecting me to take a drink to make someone else feel comfortable is also self absorbed, surely?

OP posts:
3487642l · 30/01/2023 08:23

If it helps you, I think most cultures around the world have historically had rituals of giving and receiving gifts upon initial meeting. Receiving something offered to you can be a polite and gracious thing to do because you are accepting the host's hospitality. Anyway that is my understanding. Most people will want their guests to feel comfortable, so you can probably make yourself a little more comfortable than sitting in the edge of your seat. You can look at it as a courtesy that well actually make the other person/people feel more relaxed.

Original poster
BuzzBeeEmoticon · 30/01/2023 08:23

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 30/01/2023 08:20

I feel like this is a cultural thing maybe? Are you in Uk?

eveyone I know (I’m in UK) offers people a drink as they enter their home. It’s like a common way to welcome guests into you home- “want a cuppa”

it’s fine not to want a drink, but I imagine people feel odd about it because it doesn’t fit in to what they’re used to.

if you didn’t want a drink at my house and say holy upright I’d be worried you weren’t comfortable or relaxed and that would make me feel uncomfortable.

how come you don’t just accept a glass of water from people.

I agree though It’s not nice to say you are weird for not accepting a drink.

I see what you mean. Yes I am in the UK. The reason I don’t have water is because we live in a hard water area and tap water is really chlorinated a grim and in my head it’s worse to accept a drink and not drink it than it is to just not have one. But judging by this thread maybe not!

OP posts:
ChipsAndMayos · 30/01/2023 08:24

It’s fine to say no thanks to a drink. However if you then pull out a bottle of water, it’s a bit rude.

Sitting in the edge of the chair isn’t rude as such but it will make people think you don’t want to be there. People try hard to make guests feel comfortable but everything you do seems designed to signal that you’re not comfortable. That probably puts other people on edge.

Your idea that you shouldn’t get comfortable in the chair or accept a drink for fear of imposing is a bit odd and I wonder where that has come from. Agree you shouldn’t put your feet up but there is a happy medium!

Sparklingbrook · 30/01/2023 08:25

forcing me to take a drink when I don’t want one isn’t welcoming either is it? Nobody can 'force' anyone to take a drink, but you do want to have a drink because you've brought your own water.

Whatthediddlyfeck · 30/01/2023 08:25

The edge f the seat thing wouldn’t make me feel you thought the house was dirty because I know it isn’t, but I’d feel you couldn’t wait to get away

SaltyGod · 30/01/2023 08:26

It's not really about 'etiquette' is it. Good manners are about making other people feel comfortable and happy, having consideration for others.

So of course it's rude to insist you have a drink, but likewise, if you acknowledge that your behaviour makes others uncomfortable I'd consider modifying it if you wanted to be truly polite. There is a huge gap between being forced to down a drink you don't want and bringing your own water as you don't like theirs and sitting stiffly in a seat for several hours.

Mintakan · 30/01/2023 08:27

Sparklingbrook · 30/01/2023 08:25

forcing me to take a drink when I don’t want one isn’t welcoming either is it? Nobody can 'force' anyone to take a drink, but you do want to have a drink because you've brought your own water.

I was about to say the same thing.

You are being rude by not accepting a drink and then drinking your own water. It sends a message that there is something wrong with the hosts home.

If you say "no thanks" to the drink but then don't pull your own bottle of water out of your bag then it's not unusual.