Self imposed etiquette?

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I rarely accept drinks at peoples houses because I don’t want to impose and I don’t really like drinks (soft drinks or any drinks!) so I’d rather just not have one and I usually take a bottle of water with me. But multiple people have told me they find it strange!

Someone noticed that I wasn’t sitting back in the chair and mentioned it, but that’s another “rule” I have for visiting people, don’t get too comfy in the chairs, don’t put feet up etc because I think it’s rude/impolite. I asked my parents and they don’t have these ideas so I don’t know where it came from! The funny thing is if someone did that at my house I wouldn’t think it was rude or I probably wouldn’t even notice?

Does anyone else have anything like this?

Why do you accept an invitation, do you genuinely like the people and want to meet up for a chat? I don't think it is that bad to take your own water, maybe a little eccentric but these days nearly everyone seems to be carrying their own bottle of water anyway. You could laugh it odd saying something like 'I am measuring my intake so need to stick to this bottle' or something.
But what is the occasion if you are sitting there so uptight in a chair ... maybe it's easier not to go to other peoples houses? I have realised that I rarely go to friends houses these days .. we meet up in coffee shops....

If someone offers me a drink and they look like they are doing a million things at once I will probably say no

Or if I am only there for 20 mins or something I won't relax

So it depends really

I find your ideas quite strange to be honest. To sit bolt upright and decline any offer from the host who is invited you into their home, I perceive as (potentially) quite rude. I'd assume you didn't want to be there and were uncomfortable in my home, and probably assume that it wasn't good enough for you, and not invite you back.

It’s fine not to accept a drink but then to take out a bottle of water is rude.
Perching on the edge of the chair looks like you can’t wait to leave.
I would find it all a bit rude and think twice about inviting you back

Who are these people you are visiting if you don’t know them well?

"Well yes I am aware that it makes me look like this but on the flip side, forcing me to take a drink when I don’t want one isn’t welcoming either is it? So not really sure I understand the logic"

If you declined a drink then it would be rude for a host to force one on you, as you clearly weren't thirsty. But if you then got a bottle of water out of your bag, then you clearly were thirsty, which makes you looks strange (and rather rude) for declining a drink.

Etiquette is a set of guidelines created to help to minimise social awkwardness, ie. if we all learn broadly ‘how to behave’ we should be able to rub along together without offence being taken or caused. The odd slip doesn’t really matter and drawing attention to them or judging people isn’t proof of any great social superiority either. If you came to my house I’d wish you felt comfortable enough to sit back, and worry that you smelt something strange on the sofa. I’d want you to be at ease, and maybe offer you a different chair!

i suppose that’s because manners are a form of kindness-in-action, they aren’t supposed to be a weapon to win, they’re about helping other people feel comfortable in your company and you in theirs. You seem intelligent, so perhaps you can see how pointed politesse such as perching can draw attention to itself and thereby sometimes create the opposite effect😂

So could refusing a drink ‘because you don’t want to impose’ (not to mention bringing your own because you only like water). That isn’t necessarily about your host’s comfort is it? Refusal of hospitality can often be perceived as a slight; in some countries it would cause great distress. And surely every host has the means to give you a glass of water? If what you’re saying is ‘my comfort comes first even when visiting’ then that’s fine, you do you, but I’m not sure it’s really about etiquette OP, sorry😆

Drinks... I can't drink tea and only like a couple of coffees a day. I accept a glass of water though. (Or squash)

Sitting on edge of a chair makes it sound like you are prepared to do a runner though!

These are rules made up in your own head. To answer your question, I’d not find you rude, I would notice but I’d assume you had mental health issues like social anxiety or similar and pretend not to notice, I’d also try to put you at ease

id also not think you thought my house was dirty, I’m surprised anyone said that, I can see easily my house is clean, so the thought wouldn’t enter my head. I would however rightly surmise you had issues , and as said, pretend I didn’t notice and try to put you at ease.

to be fair though, I’d prob talk about it when you left.

I think it is fine to say , I don't need a drink thanks as always carry a bottle of water and have it obviously with you. Sitting on the edge of a chair is very odd and would make me feel you don't want to be there , want to get away or my house is dirty. I can't imagine agreeing to visit a friend /acquaintance without also wanting to appear comfortable about being there.

I’ve already said that I understand these things make me seem rude and I’m glad I asked because now I can modify my behaviour, no need to roast me further 😂thank you for all your input, I’m taking it on board!

This came up because I was asked to someone’s house for a group presentation work so not someone I generally see or feel comfortable with, that’s why I was there. I don’t make a habit of going to peoples houses that I’m not comfortable with, so it’s not a huge problem. I just wanted to see if anyone else had weird rules they’ve made for themselves but clearly it’s just me!

I’d much rather have a nice fresh glass of cold water than be sipping from a warm bottle I’d been carrying around. That said I don’t like drinking out of bottles if I can avoid it.

Thank you for this! I do see what you mean, but also yes if I have a guest their comfort does come above mine? So if I put guests comfort above mine, and then hosts comfort above mine, where’s the compromise or fairness? 😅

The comment on the water is unusual, tap water is perfectly safe and levels of chlorine are incredibly low.

do you maybe suffer from anxiety that impacts your behaviour in other ways? Like the water?

Etiquette means manners.

The purpose of manners is to make people feel at ease.

You are not doing this OP

You’d make me feel very uncomfortable if you did that at mine. I want my guests to feel relaxed, and at home. I’ll show them where the drinks fridge is, so the can help themselves after the first one, and would far prefer they sit back and relax.

I’m not scared of it, it just tastes horrible to me?

But yes I am generally anxious anyway, which I’m sure is clear from my posts!

But you clearly do want a drink, as you say you’ll take a bottle of water with you.

As others have said, you are implying that other people’s houses are dirty or unhygienic.

Sitting rigid on the edge of a chair is pretty rude. Your body language is telling the host that you very much do not want to be there.

So also is drinking from your own bottle when you’ve been offered a drink. You are saying their hospitality isn’t good enough.

Thank you, I’ve already said I understand this and will modify my behaviour as I obviously don’t want people to feel this way. In my head this is what I was doing but as I’ve said this thread has shown me that’s not the case and I’m taking it on board.

Do you have any other self-imposed rules, OP? At work, maybe, or when you're out socialising at a cafe or restaurant or bar?

It's not etiquette to visit someone and then impose your own rules for a visit. That's just you prioritising your own feelings.

Etiquette is and established ritual where the host plays their role by offering refreshment and you play your role by accepting or declining ('No thanks, I've only just had a drink') and by accepting their offer to sit down and relax for a while. Etiquette in the UK would then involve a few minutes of polite superficial chitchat before you get down to more weighty matters or whatever.

Sitting poised on the edge of a seat and swigging from your own bottle of water, would make me wonder whether you were scared, high on something, on the run or had been raised by wolves.

it might not even be tap water you get. Lots of people in hard water areas keep a bottle in the fridge or (like me) have a filter jug in the fridge.

Most people have a bottle of squash too.

I wouldn’t think twice about a friend swigging from their water bottle at my house, I don’t think it’s that weird – if said friend is relaxed. I think it’s the combo of the water and the bolt upright posture and your air of “am I etiquetting right?” that’s causing comment.

In my head, I’m failing as a mother if I give my kids a shop bought birthday cake which I’ve done exactly once. I absolutely don’t hold other people to these standards and love a slice of Colin.