Anyone with advice for super sensitive DS in sports?

[PayPennies]

DS is 7 and plays football and cricket for local clubs at Under 8s. I wouldn’t say he’s very sporty or anything (I mean he’s very good with academics but isn’t particularly sporty). But the issue we are having is that him being very sensitive is getting in the way of all his training sessions and matches. It takes the slightest knock and then we have “but that boy was unfair!” Or “he hit me/kicked me/slightly bowled too fast” - and then floods of tears and really does then find it difficult to brush aside and join in again.

we don’t want him to think it’s not okay to cry, or not ok to find something unfair - well - unfair - but he does need to build some form of resilience for these things we feel.

completely withdrawing him from any and all sport doesn’t feel right but then again we are struggling to see how to get him to have chin up/let some things go a bit :/

any advice?

I would tell him that, if he wants to continue playing, he needs to learn not to sweat the little stuff. Part of doing team sport is rubbing along with everyone else and, although he should absolutely feel free to tell you if he thinks something is unfair or if something is worrying him after the session, he needs to learn to pick his battles during it and just go with the flow. And then you and he can decide later whether something is worth mentioning to the teacher/coach.

If it’s stuff he could rejoin later I’d pull him out for a bit. He might be emotionally young. My eldest was the same. Now he’s 10 he can cope with sports but before then he would just fall to pieces. My 7 year old is totally different. Naturally very sporty and fortunately also resilient.

As a child my DS was very justice driven and as a family he had experienced things being very fair. Like another poster we had to introduce the concept that life was not always fair and that others may not see what was clearly unfair and make wrong calls etc. We used schools star of the week as an example (it's not given fairly it's to encourage those who struggle to behave not those who have been a bit of a star that week!) We found martial arts a great sport for confidence and being structured so less complaints about being unfair

How do you handle the behaviour at the time and how have you spoken to him about it? Does he realise that his reaction is not appropriate?

I agree with @troppibambini6 , he needs to know that his current behaviour has to change of he wants to keep playing.

I don’t think 7 is too young to understand that not everything is fair. Sport is a great environment to learn that you can only control what you can control. It’s not especially fair that the training/matches are interrupted for the other children by his floods of tears…

We had this. Told them they weren't able to handle the sport like a more grown up child right now so we would wait until they were mature enough not to have tantrums. Waited a year, tried again, was completely fine.

Yes he’s got a 3 year old sibling - and there again a sense of profound justice/injustice comes into play between him and her. A very good day might become him being really upset if she’s perceived to have got a pen that’s brighter/more colourful etc

To me, that makes it sound more like he's not sensitive to injustice, more that he gets upset when he doesn't get to have things his own way all the time. I did wonder when you posted this in your OP:

It takes the slightest knock and then we have “but that boy was unfair!” Or “he hit me/kicked me/slightly bowled too fast” - and then floods of tears

Especially the 'bowled too fast'. I bet nobody said that to Jimmy Anderson [other fast bowlers are available]. It's a valid type of bowling.

Maybe he has to get used to the idea of sharing and not always having (what he perceives to be) the best of everything, or getting upset for what may have been an innocent accident in a contact sport.

ThanKs everyone for the advice - even if contrasting advice it does represent our own tornness about it -

1. we agree with some of you in how valuable his sensitive and kind nature is, and we really appreciate how empathetic and caring he is. We never want him to feel that boys don’t cry or some other such rubbish that still circulates in society or that he must somehow suppress his feelings. this part of us thinks we should take him out of team sports because it’s upsetting him. This part of us also thinks seven is so young, and we shouldn’t expect him to be resilient, whatever that word means!
2. But then again, we also think that we should help our children learn that sometimes life isn’t fair, and sometimes there is the little knock back here or there, and sometimes it does work out best for us to be able to shrug it off in some ways. The letter posters on this thread align with that part of us and here we feel like perhaps there are things we could do that would help him gain that bit of perspective, or if you wish to call it resilience which helps him understand that sometimes he won’t get his own way, and sometimes might get hard during sports, but it really isn’t the end of the world.

As parents, we often muddle through trying to second-guess ourselves and wondering what the best way to handle something is and we often want an easy quick fix. To me an easy Quick fix is a quick easy decision to remove him from cricket and football, for example, or to read a book or to watch a video and then voila it’s somehow all okay. But reality it’s likely to be more messy I guess and perhaps it will take more time for both him and us to figure out what he really enjoys doing, and how to develop some ability to accept that sometimes things will and won’t go his way.

OP I don’t think your conflicting feelings are mutually exclusive. You certainly don’t have to teach him that his feelings aren’t valid, just that he needs to accept that his feelings don’t always trump everyone else’s and that he needs a better way to express himself. This will be important to him throughout life, especially if he is naturally sensitive.

It certainly isn’t that ‘boys shouldn’t cry’ just that crying is not a proportionate response in the circumstances.

I would treat it like any other situation: “you want to play sports? Cool, this is how you need to behave in order to participate”. Exactly the same as “you’d like to go to the theatre? Cool, this is how we behave when we’re part of an audience”. He then he gets to choose.

Appreciate it’s tough when you see him upset, but, bigger picture, he’ll have more doors open to him, and have more fun, as he learns to control his emotions.

Why not suggest he does football in winter and cricket in summer - i take it he's not in nets over winter at that age? I agree with pp that tiredness could be making it worse.

The kids we know find football very stressful so if you're going to persuade him to drop one, I'd drop football. We are quite heavily into cricket now - eldest is u13, youngest at All Stars and I manage u9 and coach All Stars. My point is cricket has a strong ethos of everyone playing to their strengths rather than "player of the match" and all that rubbish that i can't stand, and which you get in cricket. My eldest has absolutely found his tribe in his village cricket team and it's been the best thing he ever did

*which you get in football (sorry tired!)

DS used to be a bit like this (at almost 12 he's much better) We watched some football on TV in a bit of a different way pointing out that there is a bit of pushing and showing and decisions that don't always go your way, but that's 'just football' and if it happens in the Premier League and its going to happen to you too.

Once he saw that it happens to the best he felt a lot happier with putting up with perceived injustices on his own pitch.

In retrospect, I wish I'd handled my sensitive child more pragmaticaly. If I had the chance to do things again I'd have a chat and try to get htis sort of message across: You're right, life isn't always fair. Sometimes you get overlooked or someone else gets a chance they don't deserve. But sometimes it's your turn to be the lucky one. You're lucky that you are clever, that you have family who love you. People usually take for granted all the luck they do have and really focus on the luck they don't have. But over all, it evens out. So just try not to let it bother you when life is unfair and try to appreciate when life is very fair!

Obviously not all at once in a big speech but introduce those ideas to him and ask his opinion on them and get him to consider them. Point out other times when life goes his way.

Switch to non team sports

Does he do it when you are not there? Some kids play up less when their parents arent around. If he doesn't I'd be tempted to speak to the coach, tell him the problem and drop and leave him for the coach to work on it. Any decent coach (although a lot, especially volunteer ones, are terrible) should be able to sort him out one way or another quickly.

I think this thread has been useful for one major realisation that hadn’t struck us before. Two things are both true -

1. DS is indeed very sensitive but also
2. DS has difficulty accepting that sometimes he won’t have his own way and that doesn’t mean “it’s unfair!!!!”

I think it is about addressing the latter whilst also being understanding of the former. His tears aren’t necessarily always a justice/injustice thing - sometimes they are also a case of him not getting his own way. It’s an important distinction and we need to address that

Horse riding? Seriously. Empathy, animals, eventually team work if you get the bug.

Maybe sailing, canoing or SUP. Can be done at a youth level or
get the wole family involved. Non of these sports need to be competative. There is an organisation called Sailability that provides sailing in a very suppotive environment for both adults and children.

Does he also watch football / cricket on TV, as well as play? That could give you a chance to explain that, even at a professional level, sometimes things are "unfair" - the ref can make a mistake or not see something, but we still have to respect their decision.

I was thinking this too - DS5 is similar (absolute meltdown in rugby when somebody takes his tags - which is the whole point, the actual issue is that he doesn’t like losing).

He has improved as he has become older, but one of the ways we have approached it is by pointing out it is turn-taking - if nobody can ever take his tags, then he can’t take anybody else’s either and there is no game. That he needs to be a good team player by helping his team mates, and that is just as important as being the one who scores the tries, because it is a team effort and they win or lose together.

I’m not sure how far it has sunk in, but that is the messaging we’ve been using (and luckily rugby is definitely about teamwork and not one star of the show).

I don't know if this helps in any way, but both my DS had this sense of injustice. If anything was deemed unfair or a slight on the other there was drama. I tried and tried to balance everything, to make things "fair", to prevent the tantrums and dramas - I felt I was tying myself in knots due to it. But honestly I ended up sitting them down and telling them that actually life isn't fair, and often they will feel way. I said I'd do all I could to always be fair with them, but in terms of the world, teachers, sports I was sorry I couldn't guarantee it and unless there was a massive problem I stopped worrying and let them handle it and to a large extent I ignored it.

If he is even jealous if his sister gets a brighter colour pen I'd be telling to stop being so silly as it does not matter at all. Are you enabling him to become so extremely sensitive, because it won't help him in the long run? I'd be explaining to him in life sometimes we don't all get exactly the same sized things. Sometimes someone is just better at something, eg can bowl faster and that is ok. I'd pull him out of team sports and offer him Art or drama instead. Not every child can handle competition at 7.

Fully agreeing. This is what I meant by resilience- and will think on it a bit.

It takes a while for kids to learn fairplay and sportsmanship and being able to cope when game play doesn't go your way. Referees get involved as the kids get older. Stick with it if you can. He will likely toughen up and get used to it. The tears will stop when they realise it doesn't get anywhere or progress the game. Or maybe he will become a brilliant pro footballer brilliant at diving!!

I feel for you! My kid was the same at 7. It's getting better now but as a coach I found it really embarrassing! However every single child of a coach had the same issue (barr one who is ND). At first I was sympathetic, but eventually I had to sit down and say okay, you are my number 1 at all times but you don't get everything your own way all the time. If you can learn to be okay with that we can continue. Thank goodness it was the development section not a match playing section!

Like you I was very responsive to my child's needs. At some point I actually reached a stage when I said no, you don't get everything you want. You get what you get and you don't get upset.

I don't think being gentle and sensitive is necessarily the problem here. Maybe he doesn't have much experience of losing in other areas of life, and he has never learned to do so gracefully?

My DS used to try this and my response was always "No, he didn't knock you. Do you want to stop crying or shall we go home?" "No, it's not unfair that Jayden got the medal. He played best this week. Do you want to stop crying or shall we go home?". He soon wised up.