Not sure if I’m going off my dh or it’s just perimenopause

[Perimeopausepip]

He’s never been great with illnesses
he lacks Patience and gets frustrated
was that great when I was pregnant
for an example if I was being sick which I was a lot he would just leave me to to it
rather than ask if I’m ok
need a tissue or get me a drink or generally be there in anyway

been going through some tough time over the last 6 months which had lead to me being quite anxious at time s

this he just has no time for
gets frustrated at me
which makes it worse for me and really worse for him too

just makes me feel like I’m not sure I see a future with him as old age will surely bring illness etc into our lives and I don’t thjnk he’s great support with this

but I don’t know if it’s perhaps perimenopause affecting my thinking or if I’m actually going off him and need to leave him

Many mumsnetters will tell you that you need to leave him if life isn't 100% perfect, but for what? What will be the benefits of being single over the downsides you have described? If you think you'll meet a late-life prince charming who will happily nurse you into your old age, then go ahead. But you may be much more likely to meet men who are single because they have been dumped for similar (or worse) reasons. You're having a mid-life crisis, so tread carefully and beware the advice of strangers!

Thank for your reply flailongcaround
great user name btw, infact that’s kinda what I feel like I’m doing a bit in life atm

do you too ? Is that why you called yourself that ?

yes that’s why I feel torn as I think
what would I realistically replace him with

as when I read about what it’s like dating when you are 45 plus it seems like a lot of guys that age group want younger woman and just a bit of fun

also our youngest child is 8 so ultimately if we do spilt there will be times maybe upto half the time
I won’t see my youngest
I don’t know how I will cope with that

and although I work I’m not a high earner
so although not really a pc thing to say we would all be worse off financially

I do hhave good friends and family support so I feel happy n supported in that way

I have seriously thought about leaving my DH, even saw a solicitor, but I’d be leaving to be poor and lonely. My DH isn’t a bad guy, he gets on my nerves and drinks daily, but is that enough to go for ? I’m not sure 🤔

@Perimeopausepip I change my username for every thread, to whatever comes to mind, so it's as likely to be inspired by the OP's post as anything else.🙂

Personally, I'm 50, menopausal (after being peri for several years without realising it). My DH is my best friend on so many fronts, but useless when it comes to empathising with anything womens-health related. I use mumsnet for that, or (more rarely) my female friends in real life - I'm a good listener to them, but like my privacy, so rarely share my most personal info.

Well that’s why I thought the user name was very fitting for me then 😂are you on hrt?

Yeah I totally hear you
you think is this really enough to break a family apart over

@Perimeopausepip I have an HRT gel that I rub on my upper arms every evening. It was prescribed by a specialist nurse at my GP surgery, who I was directed to with bad cystitis and associated bladder leakage - it definitely helped. But the extended conversation I had with that empathetic nurse made me realise that the insomnia I'd been suffering from for the previous 5 years was propably worsened by peri-menopause. I'd asked a female doctor about my symptoms a few years ago, who told me it couldn't be menopause-related because I was still having periods. She was a young doctor and, with hindsight, knew nothing about peri-menopause, and I didn't hear the word until I was older and read it on mumsnet - so it's not just men who get it wrong! 😁

What’s the name of the gel? Has it sorted out your insomnia ?

I feel like I’m so scared of thjngs these days

scared to leave dh if I’m honest
scared to try hrt

i just feel so midlife

Does your daughter love her father? Would she be better off without him? Did your own parents stick together to the end of their lives?

Family break-up causes massive psychogical damage to teenagers. I have always warned my sons to tread carefully with girlfriends from broken homes, and would do the same if I had daughters. I think young people who don't experience a stable family home are more unsettled themselves and likely to up and leave future partners at the first sign of anything less than their 100% perfect ideal. Some of them may find something better, and will tell you so here on mumsnet, but many just become poorer, lonelier and more bitter.

I don’t know how it work on thjngs with dh if I’m not going to leave

when I try to tell him how unsupportive he is regarding illness etc

he just replies that i don’t appreciate him and appreciate things he does

and maybe I don’t maybe I’m ungrateful
maybe I should say what is it you think you do that I don’t appreciate ?

how do I make him be more caring if I’m unwell ?
maybe he will never change in that regard

would you say it’s selfishness
when he’s like he is regarding illness

or maybe I’m demanding

Estrogel. It hasn't cured my insomnia, because I also have a genetic tendency towards it, but it has helped the cystitis and may have helped my insomnia a little too.

Thanks so much going to have a read up of the options
but because I have health issues it might not be suitable for me but I could perhaps try

Health issues in the regard of previous liver problems
nothjnf to do with day to day life really
it’s not like I’m. Really I’ll or anything

that dh is sick of it
if that makes sense

didn't want to give a false impression there

I recommend a book called "Emotional Intelligence", especially the chapter on "intimate enemies". I read it years ago, and felt it helped me to deal with marital irritations a lot more calmly and rationally. My DH read it before me, and recommended it. It helps you to understand how things can escalate when you're constantly criticising your partner, and to understand how things look and feel from their perspective. It won't make him perfect, but might help you to live with each others imperfections more happily.

Yeah both kids love him
but dh says things alot that bug me

like yesterday after getting the carwashed at one of these handcar wash places
he siad to the & year old
this is why when you start working you need to do a job where you can grow and learn
which i know is true
but it just comes across as judgemental to me
do you know what I mean ? Or am I being a bit ott

Sometimes it can be the right decision to leave but I think there is a huge tendency for women on MN to validate their own decisions by encouraging others to leave.

It often goes like: ‘I left my husband. It was hard at the time but three years on my DC and I are so happy and I’m in a relationship with a lovely man.’

Yes, because you are in the honeymoon period of your new relationship and the longer-term impacts on your family and your own life haven’t really been felt yet.

I also think people significantly underestimate the impact of being single in middle age and later life.

Thanks I’ll have a look out for that
it hard to get adobe in how to work on things as in general advice seems to be leave him or accept it

Rather than try and do this do that to work on it

Yeah or the mum thjngs the kids are happy with the new partner and it’s all well and good but really the kids don’t like him

Oh and many people overlook the financial impact because there is state support via Universal Credit etc. However that is only because children are involved.

Financial support for women in their sixties who find it difficult to hold down a job due to ill-health, but whose pension hasn’t kicked in yet and anyway has been depleted due to part-time working? Not so much.

Sorry to derail thread but what an awful thing to say!!! Does this 'warning' apply to DC of widows/widowers too?

There are plenty of emotionally unstable children from all types of family homes including those where both parents are still together.

Who are you to judge if someone's background or home life is stable or not? You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. My DC have grown up in a single parent home which was stable and secure because I left XH. Yet you would warn your dc off them! Jeez! Good thing you do give them this warning as how awful if they fell in love with someone from a 'broken home' who had to put up with a mother in law who looked down on them and blamed any sign of distress on their upbringing.

@Perimeopausepip everyone gets health issues eventually.When my MiL visits she will talk incessantly about her irritable bowel (and the latest foid-related remedies), her arthritis, and her poorly knee. I listen empathetically but have learnt to give minimal responses like "oh dear, "poor you" because anything more will either be the wrong thing to say, or encourage her to talk about it even more. I've realised that her husband does the same, and my husband (their son) does similar with me. Yes, it infuriates me sometimes, but if I'm completely honest it is probably for the best. I knew his personality before we martied and certainly didn't marry him for his counselling skills - he is my rock, because he will stick with me through thick and thin, not because he always knows the right thing to say. We enjoy doing things together, and seperately. We rarely argue, but only because we've both learnt how to de-escalate when we feel frustrated with each other, and put things into perspective. He's definitely not perfect, but neither am I.

Very interesting thread. I'm going to look for that book too.

OP, I've said similar to my DC, re the car wash example, as mine lead a very comfortable life with no realisation of how lucky we are to not have financial concerns.

It worries me that they will assume this it what live will give them. They don't understand their lifestyle is due to our choices, lucky breaks re jobs and when we bought houses etc.

In hindsight it's a clumsy way to express that to DC, but not one to add to the list of 'reasons to leave'.

Oh I’m certainly not ill all the time and I certainly do t go on about it all the time
it’s just I know form years of being with him and say even through difficult pregancies etc
he would just leave me being sick rather then at least say
can i get you a glad or water or just anything really
even if it’s a token effort

I suppose I worry it’s judgemental to say that about others
like the people that work in those car washes
from Poland who know what job they used to do in their home country
could be drs or something at home but decided to come here for a better life
or could be loads of realms why someone either doenst work or works in a low paid job

just don’t want the kids to grow up judgemental
or either to put too much pressure on them

I'm feeling exactly the same. I sometimes wonder if my zero sex drive is just with DH or would I be more inclined with someone else. Having said that I can't even look at sex scenes on the tv without feeling repulsed, so think it probably isn't him