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Original poster

Heartbroken toddler mummy please help

50 replies

Angliski · 29/01/2023 06:54

My ds has just turned 3. He was conceived after 5 years of sorrow and horror and he is our world.

in early December I was hit by a car, badly and dragged underneath it. As I lay in the snow all I could think of was him and that i needed to stay alive to be there for him.

seven weeks later I am still in hospital. He visits really reg
ulalry and DH is doing an amazing job of providing stability and love. This was my first night at home on a ‘day release’ visit. I have got rEturn to hospital for residential rehab for another 6 weeks.

my heart is breaking. Yesterday evening he showed me a deflated ballon and said it was his sad balloon. I asked him why it was sad and he said it has missed its mummy because she wasn’t home.

I know I have been lucky to retain movement and to still be alive. But my heart breaks. Every night and mornjng I miss is another less bedtime at this precious age. How do I help him and help me to heal our hearts when we have still more distance to cover before I can come home and resume a normal life?

TIA.

OP posts:

Ameadowwalk · 29/01/2023 07:02

This sounds a terribly difficult situation and I wish you all the best for your recovery.
I am not a child psychologist, but is it not better that your child is able to express his emotions about his sadness and how he misses you? And both you and your husband reassure him that you will be home properly as soon as you can and you need the time to recover, that you love him? I imagine that you keep in touch on a daily basis and your son is able to visit? If you have a routine of that and seeing him regularly, I am sure that will help.
That said, there will be feelings of loss and trauma which you, he and your husband will have to process over time. It may be that some specialist counselling will help in time.

babyjellyfish · 29/01/2023 07:03

I'm so sorry for what you have been and are going through. It's not fair.

It sounds like you are on the road to recovery and you can see light at the end of the tunnel. This must be such a hard time for you, your husband and your little boy, but soon you will look back on this time as though it was all a bad dream. Your little boy knows you love him and will be coming home as soon as you are well enough.

Mindymomo · 29/01/2023 07:09

Whilst it’s upsetting to hear your child say this, at least you know he is a kind, considerate, caring little boy that misses his lovely Mum. I promise he probably won’t remember when he’s older, my 2 sons don’t remember much before they were 5 years old. I’m glad you are on the mend, your first time home is going to be emotional as are lots of firsts to come. After my DH was in hospital and then housebound, due to covid lockdown, every place we visited when we are able to, we cried, it’s normal.

121Sarah121 · 29/01/2023 07:13

I am really sorry to hear about your accident. I hope you continue to make progress and get home soon. Have you had any mental health support? It sounds horrific.

with regards to your boy, it’s amazing he is able to verbalise his sadness so well. It’s a testimony to his emotional intelligence. take it as a good sign he isn’t internalising it.

on a practical note, when you are together, try to reconnect. Play a game, read a story, share a snack. All the normal every day things that can still be done while in hospital. That’s what builds and maintains attachment (which I am sure you already do).

have you heard of the book “Invisible String”? It would be perfect to read while you are separated. It is basically about an invisible string which joins people together through love and distance is no object when you are connected by the invisible string. There’s lots of little things you can do to strengthen attachment but I think you are doing an amazing job and he will
be ok. You need to forgive yourself and seek mental health support to help you process your own trauma due to the accident. Soon (I know it feels so long) you will be home and it will feel like a distant memory. It’s such a small part of his overall childhood.

Original poster

Angliski · 29/01/2023 07:13

@Mindymomo Thank you for sharing your experience. We went to national trust yesterday arvo - I was in a simple wheelchair so not able to run or chase or go into the woods. Every time he ran back for a cuddle I sobbed and sobbed. He is a lovely kind boy

@Ameadowwalk yes, we always acknowledge and talk it through and reassure him that mum is getting better. I showed him my back surgery scars so he could understand it was a big ‘owy’ and still needs ‘lots of help from nurses and Dr Brown Bear.

dh and I had been having a few niggles as a couple before it. Post accident I am so grateful for him and for our little family, it has really brought what matters into focus.

OP posts:

freezingpompoms · 29/01/2023 07:13

This is horrific but try and feel focused and positive.

Here's some ideas off the top of my head (sorry if you can't do these things):

Draw him pictures for him to have each day. Maybe dad could take a few home at a time give one a day?

Video calls at bedtime so you are 'there'. Can you read a story to him. Maybe you and him could have the same book. One at home with him and one at the hospital with you.

Video calls at breakfast time.

Send voice recordings of you singing or talking or just doing silly rhymes.

Write letters to him.

Set up an email account for your child and send regular emails to him. This is more for you and maybe for him as he's an adult to have.

Plan future things to keep a focus on the end result. Maybe a little party for his birthday where can have lots of happy balloons instead of his sad one.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 29/01/2023 07:14

What a sad situation. I'm so sorry.

I think you'll find your son will adjust to his new normal when you're home very quickly. And he won't remember these weeks without you long term.

And you've got years of precious bedtimes ahead of you. I promise. My son is almost 7 and still insists on being tucked in and cuddled and read to and all the things you think they'll grow out of too young.

Original poster

Angliski · 29/01/2023 07:17

@121Sarah121 invisible string sounds perfect. I’m going to buy it now. Nursery bought him a book on going to hospital which he wants to read every day and we discuss how the book looks like mummy’s ward. When he comes in we first have in bed cuddles and kisses and tickles and read, then we go to the children ward and check out the toys and then, now I am in rehab, I call out a countdown and he does his chasing game and tickle chase with his daddy. I know he is doing so well, I just wish none of us was having to do well or be strong. I have been trying to find some talking therapy now that I am well enough to focus a bit better.

OP posts:

imSatanhonest · 29/01/2023 07:17

It hurts now, but it won't in the future. I would make lots of plans with him about what you will do when you are better - simple things like go to the park, go to the sweet shop. Draw a smile on another balloon and say you will blow it up together when you are home. Anything to reinforce the fact that this is temporary and that he (and you) won't feel this way forever.

Covgal83 · 29/01/2023 07:19

What a traumatic thing to be going through. I'm so sorry. Think there's some wonderful replies above - he is clearly a well adjusted and emotionally intelligent little boy. You should be very proud. I was going to suggest something similar to pompom: something creative for him like writing him a story if you're able. Or letters/drawing. This also might help your sadness. This might impact him as it will make him worry about you. Is there some counselling you can access?

121Sarah121 · 29/01/2023 07:25

@Angliski Do you take photos of your time together in the hospital? If I were you, I’d take quite a few doing the things you’ve mentioned and catch the happy moments. That way, when you are home and you are processing this
time together as a family, you can all look back and say things like “it was a really scary time for mum and a sad time for son but look, we made the most of our time together and even though we couldn’t be together for long, our moments together held us together until mum could come home”. You can also refer to strengthening the invisible string.

wishuponastar1988 · 29/01/2023 07:25

So sorry to hear what has happened to you and the impact it has had on your family. I work with children and have found that using a transitional object helps, for example, you could both swap teddies so your little boy takes home your teddy and you keep his with you so that when you are apart you have something of each other there.. if we are giving reassurance to a child that an adult is coming back and not leaving them we ask the adult to give them something of theirs that the child knows they will need (car key, coat, phone, purse etc). I wonder if you could give him something to take home to keep safe for you for when you get discharged? That way he knows that mummy definitely is coming home.

Sending love to you

mikado1 · 29/01/2023 07:26

So wonderful that he's expressed it. Encourage that and 'see it'. 'That's such a sad balloon, it is so hard for you that I'm away.' He might like to play it all out with his toys. He sounds like a wonderful little boy, running back to you each time. Wishing you a full recovery after such a traumatic time.

freezingpompoms · 29/01/2023 07:28

121Sarah121 · 29/01/2023 07:25

Photos is a great idea

mikado1 · 29/01/2023 07:29

Yes photos super and the invisible string is a wonderful book idea too.

Newnamefornewyear2023 · 29/01/2023 07:31

I remember my therapist once saying to me that letting my 3 year old know that I was missing him too was helping him to feel that he wasn’t alone with those feelings. Obviously to be said in a way that shows you have those feelings but aren’t broken by them. That they are sad but they can be borne. You are showing him that sad feelings happen but they can be got through. Honestly, this experience of having you taken away may stay with him for a long time and may need more working through but you can manage it by acknowledging his feelings and showing him that they are hard but can be borne. You will heal and he will too. How hard and sad for you all. I’m so glad you and DH are helping each other. Getting through this together will genuinely help your little boy grow in the long term. You are showing him how to overcome adversity

Original poster

Angliski · 29/01/2023 07:36

Thank you for all you incredibly kind and thoughtful responses. DH has just woken up for his first bed cuddle in seven weeks and we are reading your ideas together - we will add some more to our mix- we do take photos and I always tell him how much I miss him and love him and that I wish I could go home etc … and we do take photos - but there’s loads of other ideas here we cna use and it’s just that help that means I can feel I am doing all I can to support him with this horrid rupture in his little life. We are all so close… it’s been quite shit.

OP posts:

Original poster

Angliski · 29/01/2023 07:38

We do video calls every morning and evening- sometimes he takes me on his commute to n
ursery. Mostly it’s fine to beam in but on New Years and Christmas I felt like I would break- I was so homesick from my ward. And a neuro ward can be quite a scary place.

OP posts:

sexnotgenders · 29/01/2023 07:42

Oh OP, how awful. You've been through so, so much. I can't imagine how hard it's been for you. I have a 2 year old DD, and being apart from her in any circumstances would break my heart, let alone if I was trapped in hospital for weeks in pain. Thankfully others here have given lots of practical advice, but I did just want to say, please don't forget about yourself in all this. Of course you are focusing on your beautiful boy, but you need and deserve help and support too. You sound like you're being incredibly strong, but you don't need to put pressure on yourself to be grateful and /or happy all the time - of course your accident has helped you realise how much you have and how lucky you are, but it's also not healthy to deny yourself the negative emotions you must also feel. I worry as a society that there's too much pressure on us to be 'survivors' and be 'strong' or to feel 'lucky' when faced with medical issues. But it's ok to also feel terribly sad, to be angry, to be frustrated, to feel 'why me'. I don't know, I just think feeling negative emotions is healthy too and I wouldn't want you to feel bad or feel you need to put on a show because you have survived. It's ok to feel both sides. I would definitely seek out some therapy for yourself as well as trying to support your boy. Because a healthy and happy mum is all he wants and all he needs - self care for yourself is also care for him. I wish you all the best in your recovery, and always come chat on here if you need

ChipsAndMayos · 29/01/2023 07:45

I’m so sorry this happened to you.

Honestly, I think what he said shows he is coping and understanding phenomenally well. He understands that he feels sad because you are not there and he is able to express that. (And this of course allows that he can feel happy again when you come back,) That’s really great, compared to how a lot of children that age would be managing (eg distress being manifested in behaviour and nobody seeing the underlying cause). It sounds like you’ve all done incredibly well helping him through it and allowing him to express how he feels.

I wish you a full and quick recovery.

Coffeesnob11 · 29/01/2023 07:59

How about a build a bear with your voice in so he can press its paw and hear you speak. I travel for work so my child and I have a toy each with each others voice in saying I love you.
I hope your recovery goes well and you are home soon.

Sleepyteach · 29/01/2023 08:00

He sounds like such a lovely kind boy, and it’s a good thing that he is able to express how he’s feeling. I’m sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I agree with someone else who said about swapping something that he can hold on to, I sew pairs of squishy hearts for a charity who sends them to kids who are in hospital, but I’m happy to make you and your lovely boy a pair if you’d like. Just send me a PM. The other thing I thought of, does he have a Yoto or Tonie box? I only found out recently how to record our own stories to play on the Yoto, if he has one you could record him stories to play whenever he wants.

sorrynotathome · 29/01/2023 08:03

I don’t remember anything from when I was 3. It sounds very difficult for you but I doubt he will be at all damaged by it. Even if you have permanent injuries he won’t remember what you were like before the accident.

MeinKraft · 29/01/2023 08:04

Children are so adaptable and it sounds like his father is doing a brilliant job. He won't be traumatised by this, he's got a stable loving caregiver and he still gets to see you and hear from you. Just you focus on getting better and don't beat yourself up even more. Are you getting counselling in hospital?

legalalien · 29/01/2023 08:07

The balloon has reminded me of my favourite AA Milne story, Eeyore Has a Birthday. Perhaps he needs a pot to keep it in
(chapter 6 here)

www.daskalo.com/effectivecommunication/files/2017/12/Winnie-The-Pooh-1-78.pdf

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