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Original poster

Heartbroken toddler mummy please help

50 replies

Angliski · 29/01/2023 06:54

My ds has just turned 3. He was conceived after 5 years of sorrow and horror and he is our world.

in early December I was hit by a car, badly and dragged underneath it. As I lay in the snow all I could think of was him and that i needed to stay alive to be there for him.

seven weeks later I am still in hospital. He visits really reg
ulalry and DH is doing an amazing job of providing stability and love. This was my first night at home on a ‘day release’ visit. I have got rEturn to hospital for residential rehab for another 6 weeks.

my heart is breaking. Yesterday evening he showed me a deflated ballon and said it was his sad balloon. I asked him why it was sad and he said it has missed its mummy because she wasn’t home.

I know I have been lucky to retain movement and to still be alive. But my heart breaks. Every night and mornjng I miss is another less bedtime at this precious age. How do I help him and help me to heal our hearts when we have still more distance to cover before I can come home and resume a normal life?

TIA.

OP posts:
MeinKraft · 29/01/2023 08:07

I'm just thinking also, what about a matching blanket for you and your DS? Tell him when he needs a cuddle from you he can wrap himself in his special magic blanket and you'll wrap yourself in yours and he'll feel you hugging him.

Original poster
Angliski · 29/01/2023 08:43

@ChipsAndMayos @sexnotgenders Thank you - I have been relieved he hasn’t thrown a massive wobbly when leaving hospital as I just would have fallen apart. He is sad but dignified in departures most times - packs up his trains and heads off with daddy and waves me goodbye.

@Sleepyteach it just occurred to me the other day that I could record my own yoto card for him. Let me see how to do that today. I think he would love that.

OP posts:
Insertusernamehere123 · 29/01/2023 08:47

MeinKraft · 29/01/2023 08:07

I'm just thinking also, what about a matching blanket for you and your DS? Tell him when he needs a cuddle from you he can wrap himself in his special magic blanket and you'll wrap yourself in yours and he'll feel you hugging him.

This is a wonderful idea. Maybe a mother and child teddy of his favourite animal too. He can keep the mother teddy and you the child one. Same principle.

I remember your thread from December op. I'm sorry things are still so hard for you and wish you all the best with your recovery x

Luredbyapomegranate · 29/01/2023 08:52

Lot of good advice on here, so only to add that I am so sorry you're having such a rough time, but try not to worry about your son - it sounds that you and his father are doing an amazing job of helping him cope. When well supported like this, children are resilient. The balloon story is actually a positive - he can articulate his feelings and tell you about them. You'll be home soon and he won't experience any lasting damage.

Luredbyapomegranate · 29/01/2023 08:53

Someone has probably suggested this, but could you record yourself reading bedtime stories for him?

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 29/01/2023 08:56

You're doing so well x

CottonSock · 29/01/2023 08:56

I'm imagining this is far harder you than him. He has his dad providing a stable environment, two parents thst love him, the consistency of supportive nursery. Its hard not to worry as your experience sounds awful, but I'm sure he will be fine.

Letsplayvets · 29/01/2023 09:19

I spent some time in and out of hospital when my children were 3 and 5. They’re now older and hardly remember any of it (except for a time I came home and we got a takeaway that evening!). Once you are home these special times will be all the more precious xx

icanwearwhatiwant · 29/01/2023 09:29

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it must be so hard.
Just to try to reassure you though from your ds' perspective.
He is in his familiar home, he feels safe and loved by daddy.
He sees you in various ways regularly so you have not vanished without explanation.
He has ways of expressing his thoughts and feelings and he has people around him who care enough to listen and respond.
He is having all of his needs met.

In the middle of all this I realise it feels endless and life changing but it will pass in time. Your ds has all of the building blocks in place to allow him to cope with this and move on.

Hang in there it won't last forever! Flowers

Screwedupworld · 29/01/2023 09:39

Some great ideas on here! Bedtime stories over video might be a good one. It might mean you both having a copy of the same book but it will be like you are there.

Just want to say OP you sound like such an amazing mum and I wish you all the best on your recovery. It sounds like your LO has a stable as can be routine with your DH and nursery while you recover.

17to35 · 29/01/2023 09:48

I had to reply to this as I have direct experience.
In 2008 I had a head on motorway collision. Other driver mentally ill and driving the wrong way.
My youngest son was just 4
others were teenagers.
We got through it and have a great bond.
Recovery was really slow and I was exhausted when I got home. My in-laws moved in while I was in hospital and then I needed help when I got home. This was paid for by the other driver's insurance.
Don't underestimate the journey you have in front of you. Don't promise things to your son that you can't fulfill and try really hard not to be "in floods of tears" when you do get to go out with him.
Good luck!

winterpastasalad · 29/01/2023 09:56

I spent 12 weeks in hospital when ds was 2. It was such a horrendous time and I cried daily about how this could affect him developmentally/psychologically. He used to cry when leaving and tried to drag me with him. I even vowed I wouldn't have any more dc as I wanted to focus all my attention on him! One of the nurses told me that when I went home it would be as if I never had left, and honestly it was.

It's a good sign he is sad, as strange as that may sound. Acknowledge it, say you are sad too and that you can't wait to get back home to him. If the hospital has a garden/strip of grass and you are physically up for it get your DH to bring in a picnic and make it fun. Even take him to hospital shop everyday to buy a small treat. My grandfather was terminally ill in hospital for a long time but I have very fond, comforting memories of my mum buying me a lolly every day from the hospital shop.

Don't be hard on yourself OP. You have been through the mill but the great news is that you are still here to see your ds grow up. All the best for your recovery 💐

ElegantlyTouched · 29/01/2023 10:18

I second the suggestion of you reading a bedtime story with you both having a copy of the book. A few other ideas:

You buy identical soft toys so you can hug them and then swap when you see each other.

Build-a-Bear, with you recording a I love you message, so he can hug it whenever he needs a hug with you and can hear your voice.

You give him things you 'need' him to do for you. Maybe arrange all his toys on his bed then DH takes a photo, or a scavenger hunt around the house, so he feels useful. Or maybe a simple skill he could learn to impress you.

Could he take some photos of things around the house from strange angels and you have to figure out what they are?

I'm trying to keep a relationship between my 3 year old and a v good friend who has moved away. We have weekly video calls that are mainly my 3yo doing what she'd be doing anyway. We've played hide and seek (including hiding the phone under the duvet), rescued each other with her fire engine, and bounced on the bed. Yesterday we were all blowing raspberries to each other for ages. Total nonsense but good fun and keeps the relationship alive.

Original poster
Angliski · 29/01/2023 10:27

@17to35 and @winterpastasalad thabj you for sharing your stories. As you say, the sloooowness of recovery is not to be underestimated but I am heartened by your stories. I do cry but I also stop crying quickly and laugh again- I think it’s something of the consequence of the injury that I cry very easily at most things atm.

thank you mumsnet I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
DeadbeatYoda · 29/01/2023 11:36

I'm crying in Waterstones cafe! Your story has brought a really painful time back for me. I really feel for you.
When I had my second, he was born with severe disability that we had no idea he was going to have. I had to spend a month away from my beloved 2 year old ds to be in hospital with my second boy. It broke my heart to see him toddle off with his dad after visits. I ached to be with him. And then when my second son was moved out of the NICU to a SCBU in another hospital I had to leave him there at night to go home. That hurt just as much.
So glad you have your husband to take care of your boy. Stay strong. This, as all things, will pass.

WrendaleCountryDogs · 29/01/2023 11:38

I remember your AMA post which you had taken down. I think of your often. I have no advice but stay strong. This is hopefully just a blip in a life time with your little boy xx

gogohmm · 29/01/2023 11:42

So sorry to hear about your accident but try to remember working on your recovery will make you the best mum you can be. Can you FaceTime your dc ?

Original poster
Angliski · 29/01/2023 11:42

@DeadbeatYoda that sounds agonising - how are things now with your little ones?

OP posts:
gogohmm · 29/01/2023 11:44

Bed time stories either read live or record is a good option - parents away with the forces often do this, and prisoners are encouraged too often. Sending updates too, pictures of you getting stronger for him

AngelDelightUK · 29/01/2023 11:46

Poor little guy. Did he witness the accident? It must have been terrifying

Elsanore · 29/01/2023 11:48

I haven't read the full thread but wanted to mention- there's a lovely animated film called Totoro about 2 children whose mum is in hospital for a long time. It's suitable from age 3 definitely. It tackles them missing their mum, visiting her in hospital and getting on with life while she's in there.

It's just a lovely film and subconsciously your dc might relate. And your DH!

All the best to you all

RecoIIectionsMayVary · 29/01/2023 11:51

I've just realised who you are, I'm so pleased to hear that you are recovering and have been able to have a night at home, although sorry to hear you still have a long way to go.

Calmdown14 · 29/01/2023 12:50

You've been through such a lot but honestly, this will seem an insignificant amount of time once you are home properly.

You need this time so you can make the best progress to be his mum for many, many years.

The love and security you have already given him will get him through this.

Think about all the lovely time you are going to have when you are home.

I do understand how tough a neurology ward is. But you can now look forward to showing him what mummy has learned today and show him how amazing you are

Your bond is too strong to break and toddlers are so adaptable. As soon as you are home it will be like you were never missing.

Be kind to yourself. You are allowed to feel it's awful because it is but you are moving in the right direction. Good luck

Original poster
Angliski · 30/01/2023 22:31

@Elsanore sounds great - if I can get him to try something new viewing wise I will def try this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Angliski · 30/01/2023 22:32

AngelDelightUK · 29/01/2023 11:46

Poor little guy. Did he witness the accident? It must have been terrifying

Thank god no, I was alone and 3 minutes drive from home. I was nearly there, in the snow.

OP posts:
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