When something bad happens to someone you don’t know, how much does it affect you?

[Catchyourselfawn]

Something terrible happened near to where I live yesterday. It didn’t directly affect my family or me, but I just feel so very sad and shocked about it.

I’m sure everyone who knows will feel very sad, but may not have wept since finding out or be unable to get it out of their heads.

I won’t be able to truly get it out of my head for days and days. I can’t stop thinking about it. About the poor family and how they might be feeling.
When you hear about a tragedy do you think: “this is so sad and I feel enormous sympathy for the family, but it doesn’t directly impact on me so let’s lift our mood & watch something funny” ? Or do you keep revisiting it? I just wonder if it is a habit that can be changed?

FWIW I had a similar memorable event occur when I was a child.

Usually I will acknowledge that something bad happened and then move on without it really affecting me. If it relates to something that triggers a particular memory for me then I might find myself thinking about it when I have time to process it. You’ve mentioned a similar thing happened to you so I’m guessing it has triggered something that has made you react more strongly. This is very normal. Have you had support for the incident that happened to you as a child?

Thank you @LipsSoScarlet for responding. Not really any help. The memory is so vivid it can’t be expunged.

Apart from praying for the family of the deceased, there’s nothing I can do for them so the way I feel seems pointless, futile. But the event itself, how the victim would have felt and the parents being given the news just keeps going round in my head in a loop.

I meant I hadn’t really had help of course, not that you weren’t any help.

If it’s something really bad it often makes me cry (I cry alone about it though, and never in company). I also overthink about all the people involved eg how their partner/parents/kids etc must feel. It doesn’t affect me to the extent you say it does you, but I do tend to obsessively look for updates if there are any.
I over react to lovely things happening to strangers too. So if a really happy story appears in the news (rare, I know) I sometimes cry happy tears. I have no control of it at all. I’m crying tears before I even register I’m crying.
In my case it’s nothing to do with past events in my own life being triggered.
Everyone is different.
I am generally an over-emotional person.

I'd be the same without the bad thing happening as a child, so sorry for you x

I don't cry really but think about the family involved or person involved a lot.

I am feeling the same about the tragic stabbing that happened in Hexham on Friday afternoon. I live 250 miles away but Hexham is my home town and where my parents still live (they walked down a few minutes after it happened, unbeknownst to them).

Having a daughter of the same age just adds to the feelings of helplessness and "grief" (for want of a better word). It's difficult to get it out of my head.

I must admit, I tend to think it’s self-indulgent and even attention-seeking to get over-involved with incidents which don’t actually impact you.

However, in your case, it seems fairly obvious that your previous experience is relevant to your reaction.

I understand that. I have a lot of those memories myself and they are so hard to deal with. I know that they can’t be expunged but I have found them decrease in intensity with therapy. When you say no help do you mean nothing has helped or you haven’t received any help? If it’s the latter then I would strongly advise some kind of therapy. As I say, your memories will never disappear but you can work on the impact they’ve had on you.

I’m really sorry this is affecting you like this. It’s awful and you absolutely deserve peace from this

If it's something that's happened locally it alway seems more shocking because the place is known to me but I do try really hard not to be all rubber necking about it. I don't get involved in neighbourhood WhatsApp stuff or whatever either.

I tend to feel things strongly if they are geographically close or the children are the same age as yours etc. Often it is probably due to the thought that it could have so easily have been your family. They aren't called tragedies for no reason. A whole towns hearts can break when something awful happens.

I remember a little boy dying in our community when our children were also young and it really shook everyone for a few years. No where near the level that it did the parents but it sort of ripples out and no one is completely untouched by the sadness.

@LimitlessSky you’ve described how I feel. I’m the same as you about the joyful stuff too. I can see people looking at me funny sometimes if my eyes start to tear. It is so very embarrassing and as you say, there’s no control over it.

Also yes if I weep it is totally in private. I would never let anyone see me. Apart from the embarrassment of it being a disproportionate reaction, I would feel it would be insulting to the family of the victim. Well, they are victims too.
It’s their grief, not mine and I don’t have the right to emoting all over the place about it.

N.B. I don't feel like this about every tragedy, similar or otherwise. I feel sympathy, of course, but not the visceral reaction. Another one was the April Jones case - and I had zero connection other than my DD being the same age at the time. Half of me was going "WTF?" to myself as to why I was so caught up in and emotional about it - I guess it's easy to feel empathy for the child and parents when they are the same sex/age as your own. Or, in your case, when you've have had similar happen to your and your family.

@Honper I don’t take part in any of that.

It’s worse when it’s local, but I couldn’t possibly watch the video on the BBC’s website about the latest poor young guy in the states who has been killed, for example. I’d find it way too upsetting. RIP Tyre.

@Youdoyoubabe and @inigomontoyahwillcox

Yes I think that is part of it. It’s fear and sorrow and all the more real if it’s close to home. Literally or in circumstances.

Some people are more sensitive and of course things like love and loss are completely universal and relatable. So normal.

But if you do want to react less you can perhaps have therapy for your own issue so that it has been processed and isn't any longer such a potent trigger (if it is).

In terms of the general sensitivity you can also work on the thinking that accompanies the initial feeling about the news or event or whatever you react to. Maybe experiment with not fanning the flames of the feeling by awfulising and dwelling on it if you want to avoid going there as you can decide to pull back from a thought if you want to.

On my Similar Threads feed, a very interesting one has come up along the lines of If You Are highly Sensitive, How Do You Cope With It? And hyper empathy is apparently linked to autism.

I heard that an ex's younger brother died yesterday. I hadn't spoken to him for a few years (the ex and the brother) but we were together a long time and I was part of the family.

I've cried a couple of times and have felt really sad for a couple of days. I think I'll feel much better in a day or 2 but it really knocked me. Because I knew him but also because I feel for my ex, his family and our mutual friends for the heartache. That is empathy OP.

Some news stories affect me more than others, usually where women or children are affected tbh.

Very interesting @Catchyourselfawn - ive suspected I'm on the spectrum for a while, my dad seems to be, but never had a diagnosis.

Despite not being religious, I often have a "There but for the grace of God" moment, but no, I don't dwell on it.

Generally, it wouldn’t affect me beyond a passing thought/emotion but I see or hear the odd thing that really upsets me. It’s usually about animals or old people but I remember crying reading about that poor young boy who was abused and killed by his mother and her boyfriend not so long ago. I don’t often keep thinking about these things though.

It being local or happening to someone known by someone I know doesn’t have any relevance to my reaction.

@HeddaGarbled yes I too find it distasteful, for want if a better word, When people indulge in grief tourism. But what I’m talking about is different to that.

A neighbour of mine died a few years ago. Another neighbour told me. I didn’t know the dead neighbour or his family to speak with but I knew he had a wife and a young daughter. I had young children too and for a few days it played on my mind about how they’d have to cope if something similar happened to them. I took a bunch of lilies to his wife’s door and just very quickly explained I was sorry for their loss and wanted to pass on my condolences. She put them in her window and I heard from the other neighbour that she really appreciated the gesture. I think trying to do something positive, no matter how small and it doesn’t have to involve those who made you sad, helps me deal with negative situations.

I can get quite emotional about a lot of things but I think it also boils down to my past experiences that have maybe made me more sensitive to that kind of stuff.

I can tend to revisit things.

I like to find out things and then analyse them.

I would then try and find any newspaper articles etc about the incident.

I don't know why I do this. I'm not nosey and won't pass on anything I've learnt, but am always inquisitive to get to the bottom of things!