When something bad happens to someone you don’t know, how much does it affect you?

[Catchyourselfawn]

Something terrible happened near to where I live yesterday. It didn’t directly affect my family or me, but I just feel so very sad and shocked about it.

I’m sure everyone who knows will feel very sad, but may not have wept since finding out or be unable to get it out of their heads.

I won’t be able to truly get it out of my head for days and days. I can’t stop thinking about it. About the poor family and how they might be feeling.
When you hear about a tragedy do you think: “this is so sad and I feel enormous sympathy for the family, but it doesn’t directly impact on me so let’s lift our mood & watch something funny” ? Or do you keep revisiting it? I just wonder if it is a habit that can be changed?

FWIW I had a similar memorable event occur when I was a child.

A woman was murdered brutally on my street years ago - that really really impacted me. I didn't know her but I was, on the scene, so to speak. As in I witnessed the disposal of her body without knowing that's what was happening. I wasn't right after that for a long time - I couldn't sleep, laid awake for hours and hours just going over it in my head. I felt like I was somehow to blame - like I could have done something, like had she only just knocked on my door I would have helped her, I felt angry she hadn't (which is ridiculous) - just lots and lots of emotions to process over the whole thing. I didn't know her, had never met her, but it messed with my head for a long time. I still feel wretched about it now.

Much like you, I just keep replaying it in my head, what she went through, how her family must feel, how anyone could have helped her had she just said something. It doesn't go away.

It's suddenly so aweful when it's close. I think without realising we never think would happen to is but when his close it's sickening.
Though no mum in my opinion can even think of the Jamie Bulger murder. No idea where it was but it's the worst and could happen in the blink of an eye. I don't relate to many things but that one never gets easier to think about

I feel briefly sorry for someone but I don’t cry over strangers usually although a story the other day upset me about a lady with schizophrenia who was found dead in her flat after 4 years- nobody had checked on her. I’ve not been well lately and was feeling sorry for myself so clearly over emotional but I thought it was so sad that she had nobody. I have a dear friend with mental health issues so it made me think of her too.

I cried, really cried, hearing more about Tyre Nichols. Have always been moved by events, but since becoming a mother I feel everything so viscerally. I felt it in my chest this morning. I am someone who is best not to engage with these news stories but I feel compelled.

My DD’s long term boyfriend’s older brother died of an overdose a few days ago. He was early 20s and a drug addict although his mother would never acknowledge that. I feel desperately sorry for the family and find myself a bit obsessive about the fact that his body is still in the morgue and they haven’t even seen him yet as the person with him knew him long enough to be able to identify the body. There will have to be an autopsy so the body won’t be released for another couple of weeks. I have two sons and can’t even begin to imagine the pain his mother is going through even thought the last ten years have been a nightmare dealing with his addiction. Part of me thinks “why am I even thinking about this, I never met him” but we know how heartbreaking it is for DD’s boyfriend who we are very fond of so maybe it is not too weird.

I find if the event I hear about relates to the same age as my own kids I really struggle and have an intense and visceral reaction to it. There was one story in the news maybe last summer that I can't even type what it was.. it knocked me sideways and it was all I could think about for several weeks. I replayed it over and over in my mind, what the poor lad must have gone through. How he must have suffered and how afraid he must have been. Those thoughts would come popping back into my head when I was feeling fine, maybe driving somewhere or watching a movie.. and I'd be back to square one. I even had to go and see a counsellor about it who I'd seen many many months previously.. it was affecting my life so much. All I can say is over time the intensity of my initial reaction has eased. I've been reading a lot about hyper sensitivity ( which I have) and how it relates to childhood trauma ( which I have.) Sometimes I wish my empathy gene could be removed as I can get very emotional about other people ( perfect strangers) who have suffered terribly and how I wish I could have helped them. But I think it's who I am now.

I think when it's particularly relatable it takes up more space in your head than when it's something tragic but more distant. Like when that little boy was thrown from the Tate Modern. I used to go there a lot when each of my children was 6. It would never even have occurred to me that someone could do that to them. I know it doesn't make sense, but I feel like my family have had a lucky escape.

@StanFransDisco yes that’s it. My children are similar age to the victims. I keep thinking about whether I could have done anything if I’d been there. Whether I would have realised what was about to happen and had the presence of mind to do something to change what happened. Whether I’d have been brave enough or physically strong enough.

My childhood was shaped by one enormous (for me) event and life became Before Event and After Event. Although I remember very little about Before Event.
I wasn’t supported through it, in fact that’s an understatement.

I’ve always known there was something wrong with me and have wondered how much influence the event has had on my life. Or whether I was born this way. Or whether it was poor parenting. Writing it down it’s probably all 3.
If you’ve been helped by a particular book, I’d be interested to know what it is?

@Catchyourselfawn I'm sorry you had such an awful event happen to you and the repercussions after it. I also have wondered what the hell is wrong with me. I can't self regulate and am hyper sensitive to many things. It's not since I've had many many months of counselling that I've come to understand how the relentless hypervigilance of my childhood has shaped me and how I react to events and people as an adult, whether that's in relationships or with friends or work colleagues. My brain has actually been hard wired to be prepared for threat, and I think that's why I couldn't get this particular terrible distressing story out of my head, even now. I think subconsciously I was feeling his hypervigilance.. his preparedness for attack.. the constant fear. I still feel sick to think about it.
In answer to your question yes, there are two books that have helped me enormously. Emotional First Aid by Guy Winch ( you can catch him on Ted Talks) and The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk.. also available on Audible. They are both highly readable and immensely helpful. Try and get hold of at least one of them x

Doesn't affect me generally, unless it's to do with children being abused, little Arthur's case upset me a lot. I don't have the same empathy for adults as I do kids to be honest.

Its not unnatural to feel upset about something tragic, especially if it's local. And more so if you identify with the family, ie: you have children of a similar age.
A couple of families from my previous town suffered tragic losses and although it was a long time ago I still think of them sometimes x

I find it a bit odd when something bad happens and someone will say, I live nearby, as if it somehow adds some particular resonance. Like others, I might reflect on a tragedy but recognise that luckily, it’s not my loss. There is a lot of grief vampirism on this site which is very distasteful; all that ‘tears running down my face’ ‘being crying all day’.

Funny ... I scrolled past this thread yesterday and couldn't think of anything.... And now me and DP both extremely sad and down about our friends wonderful dog drowning in the sea today. I keep imagining the owners sitting there in shock with an empty dog bed and tear up again. He was a lovely old boy. I saw him just before it happened and he was having a great day.

@HangingOver Aw that is sad. I’m so sorry.. It’s when it’s pointless and unnecessary that makes it worse.

@midsomermurderess if you live in a densely populated place it might veer towards “odd” (that ubiquitous, forgive me but unimaginative word that’s thrown about with abandon these days) to find resonance with an incident, because by definition there will be more of them. .
If you live in a quieter place, not so much.

But we are not just talking about place here. This discussion is wider than that; but you don’t seem to have read it. Don’t let us keep you if an episode is about to start.

A girl I vaguely knew many years ago lost her sister very tragically. I cried many times in private. Why? Because my sister is my best friend, I'd be lost without her, so I could imagine the pain she was going through.

Through work I sometimes have to attend funerals of people I don't know. I find it so hard to not cry. I don't want anyone to see me crying because it's their grief, but I'm crying because it makes me think of funerals I've attended.

I think a number of unbearable family tragedies has made me feel more empathy for the awful things that happen to people.

I also have 2 small children now so anything in relation to children gets to me massively.

Well I get extremely angry at mindless violence to people or property. It will get so bad that I will spontaneously combust one of these days!

Always very angry at animals being neglected and women being attacked/killed, those two poor women who were murdered and then the boys i blue photographed them. I was seething.

Also when nothing was done when children were being neglected and social workers where not allowed in. I was listening to something in American where someone from Children's services was saying that though police needed a warrent, they did not which is how it should be!