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Original poster

School Mums

44 replies

CheekyMonkey1989 · 28/01/2023 17:10

I’ve tried so hard to fit in 😔 I think I’m getting somewhere with someone then I just get blanked. I’ve just come home from taking my DD5 to a birthday party and it was such a lonely experience. I went to the toilet at one point and cried. A bit of background info I do struggle with anxiety but I have really tried to come out of my comfort zone but now I just feel like I’m the weird loner mum nobody wants to be seen with.

Anyone else struggle to fit in?

OP posts:
daisydoods · 28/01/2023 17:16

Oh op, we've just come back from a party too, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way ☹️

The way I made friends with mums was one who I'd been standing near to at the gate each day and who my Dd plays with asked me if we wanted to meet up during the holidays and we took it from there, the others I just speak to when were stood waiting for the door to open. Have you tried starting a conversation with them?

Fuckitydoodah · 28/01/2023 17:17

I've come to the conclusion it's generally best to keep school mums at arms length. A quick hello and a smile, and that's it. Otherwise you'll always be worrying about what you said, why aren't they so friendly today and so on.

In another year or so you won't have to stay on at parties. You don't need these people to be your friends.

It's not you. The school mum clique is a thing. Enjoy time with your actual friends.

JammiDodgers · 28/01/2023 17:21

Fuckitydoodah · 28/01/2023 17:17

I've come to the conclusion it's generally best to keep school mums at arms length. A quick hello and a smile, and that's it. Otherwise you'll always be worrying about what you said, why aren't they so friendly today and so on.

In another year or so you won't have to stay on at parties. You don't need these people to be your friends.

It's not you. The school mum clique is a thing. Enjoy time with your actual friends.

Yes yes and yes.

Arms length- a quick “ hello” . Job done.

I have found the majority not to be very pleasant anyway- all insincere and shallow and gossipy. Some are dangerously nasty.

Nah. Not for me. Horses for courses and all that but my advice is to try to not let it worry you so much. Focus on other stuff.

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Families
Original poster
CheekyMonkey1989 · 28/01/2023 17:21

My DD has had a couple of new kids start after Christmas and they are never alone. Why is it just me on my own? What have I done? I feel like crap. I’m kind and will go out my way for anyone who needs my help but no one wants to know.

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 28/01/2023 17:26

I was always the weird loner mum nobody wanted to talk to, I'm pretty tough so it didn't bother me hugely, but I know it can be soul-destroying. Dd has always been very popular so I had to endure a lot of parties where nobody really spoke to me so I know exactly what you're going through. No advice other than try and grow a thick skin and know that it won't last forever. Solidarity xx

Greenraincoat12 · 28/01/2023 17:27

You are not alone. It happened to me too. I used to torture myself about it. Now I just remove all emotion. People have their own friends it seems. I try not to overthink it. I know I'm worthy and I'm happy just being me. The playground can be very bitchy and really all you have in common with the mums is the year you gave birth. There was a thread not long since where a mum said she never gave up, she kept being positive and got ignored a lot but kept going. I admire that because I gave up.

CalistoNoSolo · 28/01/2023 17:28

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with you OP. The people that are wrong are the ones that think it's OK to ostracise others.

Original poster
CheekyMonkey1989 · 28/01/2023 17:33

CalistoNoSolo · 28/01/2023 17:26

I was always the weird loner mum nobody wanted to talk to, I'm pretty tough so it didn't bother me hugely, but I know it can be soul-destroying. Dd has always been very popular so I had to endure a lot of parties where nobody really spoke to me so I know exactly what you're going through. No advice other than try and grow a thick skin and know that it won't last forever. Solidarity xx

I’ve got another one tomorrow and I don’t think I can do it but it’s my daughter’s best friend so I will find the strength from somewhere to go. Perfect example, they went to nursery together, swapped numbers with her mum and I got on great with her during the summer holidays but now she is part of the clique she ignores me and only speaks to my DP.

OP posts:
CaramelMach · 28/01/2023 17:40

Take a book and headphones and plan to be engrossed in something else.
I was this mum. Last child in year 5 now and I don't bother at all

Much much easier once you accept not caring. It's tough to get there.

CaramelMach · 28/01/2023 17:41

I found the issue was the parent cliques
They all met when kids in reception and bonded. We joined in year 3 and so there was literally no room at the inn for another parent. They didn't want to know and establishing oneself into an established group is next to impossible.

Original poster
CheekyMonkey1989 · 28/01/2023 17:52

How can adults be so cruel? I always tell my DD to never leave anyone out and if you ever see someone sitting by themselves at school make sure to include them. Why can’t adults replicate that?

OP posts:
soboredtonight · 28/01/2023 17:53

I am the same op.

I tried hard and they didn't want to know. One of them even blanks me at an outside school activity. I no longer give a shit if I'm honest. You won't have to see these people forever.

It's crap. Like being in school again.

Take a book. Take headphones. Download something and watch it.

Sorry you are feeling this way.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 28/01/2023 17:54

Oh bless you, I have had similar I was good friends with one of the school mums and one day she just blanked me out of the blue. Parties were a nightmare after that.

Now I make a effort to speak to the other mums and grans, just say hi how are you or ask something about the school and that's how the conversation takes off, could you do similar?

Heathcote294 · 28/01/2023 17:56

Honestly, making friends with school mums is a bloody nightmare. I managed it and it was nothing but grief. Even now the DC are in secondary school. I wish I'd just kept to myself.

My advice is to just be friendly, pass the time of day and wait for your DC to make their own friends. The parties that you have to attend will soon be over and it'll just be a case of dropping them off and picking them up.

I was very lonely and wanted to make friends but it's actually just not been worth it. With hindsight I've been used.

Mary46 · 28/01/2023 17:57

Ignore it op. Its not nice though. Some knew kids and parents earlier on. Sometimes cliques can be bitchy so your best out of it. Thankfully the mams through my daughter age all very nice

Mary46 · 28/01/2023 17:58

Grown women can be nasty at times

Heathcote294 · 28/01/2023 17:59

OP. Take a book to tomorrow's party, bury your head in it.

Veryverycalmnow · 28/01/2023 18:00

I used to really struggle with this. I sometimes plonk myself down at a table with people who clearly already know each other and nervously join in in a rather awkward fashion and sometimes on the edge of a group. Other times I'm on my own. I hate that feeling so much. If you want to avoid it you need to start conversations. There's usually someone I vaguely recognise on their own on school yard so I just go and stand near someone and start talking about how they've all seemed to settle in well or something inane like that. I wouldn't say any of them are friends but can make small talk. Keep trying. If nobody talks back then fair enough, they're too cliquey, move on!

Passportpondery · 28/01/2023 18:03

I struggle with this too. So many groups and sub groups it’s hard to keep up.

Luckily my sons class all have mums that will say hello and make small talk so at a party no-one should be sat on their own. However being actual “friends” with them is hard.

Beezknees · 28/01/2023 18:03

I never fit in with the school mums. I was a teen mum so there was a massive age gap, we had little in common. DS was popular and invited to parties, I would make general chit chat but that's as far as it went. I never socialised with the mums outside of school.

Do you not have other friends? I already had my own set of friends so couldn't care less about making friends at the school gates.

MajorCarolDanvers · 28/01/2023 18:04

Get a job. Volunteer. Find a hobby. And you will meet people with similar interests.

Stop looking for friends at the school gate. Just because women have children of the same age doesn't mean you have anything else in common.

Soon parties will be drop and leave and you won't have to hang out. In the meantime take a book or your phone to pass the time on.

Original poster
CheekyMonkey1989 · 28/01/2023 18:06

I hate the What’s App group! I feel like I’m an outsider looking in whenever I input into a conversation … silence. I feel like I’m a weirdo, is it the way I dress, look, speak? What am I doing wrong? I’m sat here racking my brain as to why I’m treated so different.

OP posts:
BeautifulWar · 28/01/2023 18:07

Take a book and headphones and plan to be engrossed in something else.

Yes, exactly.

Do they know you want to be included? I don't mean to make excuses for them, but I can come across as quite aloof sometimes. I'm really not, but my confidence in social situations can be really up and down (I've had quite a traumatic time recently and my confidence in general is very changeable). I think I can give off not up for talking vibes.

Maybe they're not leaving you out intentionally, or maybe they are - it's impossible for us to tell, really, but I'm sorry you're feeling so low about it.

How are you feeling in general and are you happy with other friendships?

DuplicateUserName · 28/01/2023 18:15

CheekyMonkey1989 · 28/01/2023 18:06

I hate the What’s App group! I feel like I’m an outsider looking in whenever I input into a conversation … silence. I feel like I’m a weirdo, is it the way I dress, look, speak? What am I doing wrong? I’m sat here racking my brain as to why I’m treated so different.

Surely the most important thing is that your DD make friends? I mean after all it's her school afterall.

Could you take up a hobby or something? Perhaps look online for a local social group if you want to make friends?

I wouldn't try any more if I were you. Maybe one day you'll make a friend at the school or maybe you won't, but stop stressing about it.

Whendovescry03 · 28/01/2023 18:17

Why are you trying to make friends with them? A friendly chat at a birthday party or a few words at the school gate is surely all that's required? I'd find it bizarre if one of the mums tried to swap numbers with me.

I know a few of the mums because we've been friends for years pre kids, but aside from that we don't even know the names of the other parents. Perhaps you're putting pressure on yourself and you don't need to?

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