School Mums

[CheekyMonkey1989]

I’ve tried so hard to fit in 😔 I think I’m getting somewhere with someone then I just get blanked. I’ve just come home from taking my DD5 to a birthday party and it was such a lonely experience. I went to the toilet at one point and cried. A bit of background info I do struggle with anxiety but I have really tried to come out of my comfort zone but now I just feel like I’m the weird loner mum nobody wants to be seen with.

Anyone else struggle to fit in?

Send your partner instead? I don't get it either though, it's not hard to be civil. In fact it's easier to be civil than to be horrible so I always assumed that the other mums were actively ignoring me rather than it being an oversight. Please try not to blame yourself though, it's absolutely not you!!

To be honest I don’t have any friends. I had work friends but lost most of them due to my work place going remote based after COVID. I get on well with my DP’s best friend’s wife but that’s about it. Pretty much a loner.

Do you actually want friends?

If so, just try to avoid looking for them at your DD's school.

My dc is 8 now and it's been slow going to get beyond the occasional nod and smile. I am friendlier with about 3 of the mums, and there's 1 who I was brave enough to text and meet up.

The breakthrough was mostly due to dc doing an evening club that I had to stay at and a couple of his classmates happened to be there. The other was a new kid joining so I made a point of chatting to the mum as I know it's hard to be in that position.

It's nice to make friends but it's no failure if you don't. When I think of my parents they wouldn't have been able to pick other parents out of a line-up, I still had friends at school and got invited to stuff.

I'm not even in the WhatsApp group

I would love a friend and I thought my DD starting school would be my best chance.

Oh no, they're probably not going to turn into your mates. Many of them might already know each other if they're local to the area.

Could you join some clubs that interest you?

I think it would feel like much of an issue if you were happy with your social life in general.

Sometimes there just aren't people that you gel with in particular settings - there's nothing wrong with you, or them either, it's simply different personalities.

Are there any local groups you could join instead? Any interests you could develop?

OP, may I make a suggestion? I know it's not for everyone bit have you thought about joining the PTA? They are usually crying out for volunteers! The perception of PTA's can be cliquey, but I assure you most aren't.

It could be a good way to make new acquaintances and ease your way into new friendships? I found I made more friends in my DC's year group once on the PTA and getting involved, as the children also get to know you too.

BTW, I found our reception year of parents didn't click until Y1, it can take time.

I make my husband come to parties with me and then we can get a coffee, take turns in party participation and be like each others wing man.
Other parents can be really odd. At pick up / drop off to school time I just always try to say hello, be smiley and focus on my kid. Sometimes chats happen naturally and you get to know a bit more about the parents.
Definitely go tomorrow, it won't be as bad as you think and you'll feel pleased you did it for your little one x

In the nicest way: chill out about it.

I absolutely loathe the majority of our school mums ( though they’d never know it) and dos year groups are also notoriously worse than others. My youngest child’s year group is significantly worse: lots of competition/ bitching/ sniping/boastfulness and general unpleasantness.
I observe from afar and never get involved.

Do you not have other things you can do? Volunteer? Or other things to keep you busy.

I know it may feel upsetting now, but in all honesty, I would try to not think about it and focus on other things.

Speaking from experience and observations: this is so not worth getting upset over.

This again. ‘School mums’ aren’t a different species, more given to cliques, exclusiveness and bitchiness than any other category of human being. They’re completely ordinary women who happen to have a child at the same school as you, like the fathers of the same children. There really is no sense in constructing them as some kind of unpleasant deviants.

OP, I get that you’re finding it miserable, but I think you’re better off not trying to piggyback your own social life onto your child’s — she’s clearly being invited to things, and that’s great. Sometimes people don’t gel in a particular environment. I’m a socially-confident person who’s never struggled to make friends, but nearly nine years in a village where virtually all the parents of DS’s class had been at the same school together was very lonely. No one’s fault, really — I just wasn’t their kind of person, nor they mine. I made friends at work.

4 months after my last post and my situation is still no better. I feel so lonely at these parties and often come home crying. I just hate kids parties and discos with a passion!

Do you like hobbies op. I dont feel I made friends through school kids. Once they left primary we had nothing in common.. I joined a walking group I meet her odd week for coffee. Unfort clicks are craps and friendships already formed. But I have to make the changes too

I feel you pain. There is a clique at my child's school and I just feel so out on the edge and sad for her that she is also left out because they all meet up on the weekends. It's crap but I'm just trying to accept it as it is.

I only reqlly a made school mum friend (proper one who l could ask to collect dd if l had to work late etc) when dd was in year 6.
It's tough op but just smile and be glad you're not involved in any drama. Is there another mum that stands on her own you can chat to?

This does sound like you may be the part of the group this poster is talking about. 'We've been friends for years' so you can't let anyone else join?

I think it's going into these things with any expectations that's the issue. Essentially you have nothing in common with these people other than you conceived within the same year.
This is the mindset I took, I didn't need or particularly want school mum friends, unfortunately DS is a social butterfly and gets invited to lots of things, again I was more than happy with a coffee and some time to myself, there were some early ones that were excruciating for everyone involved, time goes by and you smile and say hello to the ones you see often, the children talk to each other and you start off commenting on what they're doing.

I'm now knee deep in WhatsApp groups and social invitations I didn't really want in the first place, I just go to what I can/want and am unapologetic about the rest (or DH goes). Oh I'm busy that day, or we haven't had a weekend free for weeks and I've got so much to do at home, catch up next time though and so on, I go to the bits I fancy. A lot of this will be your own perception of your rejection, it's not rejection people just have other priorities and there's no problem with that. No one has enough time or headspace to deliberately exclude a quiet mum from the school gates, but equally I'm not going out of my way to include someone in things I don't really want to do myself.

Also and this is blunt, if you don't have friends away from the school gate, this isn't just a school gate issue. You need to try and develop your confidence and social skills, I agree with PPs saying join a hobby or group you are genuinely interested in, you'll have things to talk to other members about and friendships will develop, you have to be prepared to put yourself out there though, and to dust yourself off if it doesn't work out the way you want. It's five for you to be the one who hosts or suggests the coffee etc