Is your DH/partner a gentleman?

[MsMiaWallace]

Kids asked me this morning if DH was a gentleman. I thought about it & I'm not sure.
He said charming stating he looks after me. Actually I do most the 'looking after'.
He does cook nice meals, cleans up etc but is this the act of a gentleman or a spouse fairly contributing?

The word gentleman mainly makes me think of manners - not how much someone does domestically. If someone said “he’s a gentleman” I would think of someone who holds doors, pulls out your chair, says if you please and thank you so much - more flowery manners iyswim. Bit old fashioned. Possibly older.

DH is not a gentleman by this definition, he’s polite but in an ordinary way.

But also in a period context (18th/19th century and back) gentleman meant nobility/gentry as opposed to the “lower classes”. So maybe that’s what your kids meant? Depends where they’ve heard the word being used.

Well he attended a finishing school for young gentlemen and junior members of the aristocracy... (its an old description of the place from when it was founded!)

He is capable of being a gentleman. He is also capable of being a dick Hes human really.

Gentleman to me would refer to manners and chivalry - opening doors, being respectful and polite to women, all that stuff.

I could describe my husband as a gentleman, I suppose.

Wow. Read my own post back. How depressing to have being polite to other men as default, un-notable behaviour but have a special word for men who are polite to women...

Mine automatically takes bags and carries them when we're out shopping etc, let's me choose where I sit at the table in restaurant and just seems to wait until I've sat until he sits. He takes the bins out and will be the one to schlep up the massive hill to fetch the car at the end of a long day and meet me at the bottom.

I don't know where he learnt it, he came with it all pre-programmed I think. He's less gentlemanly in that he'll do the odd comedy fart and probably chews a bit too loudly when we're at home.

He's a pretty great all rounder though.

Nah. He’s loads of good points but things like walking on the outside of me on the pavement and opening doors and carrying bags unless I hand them to him or they’re heavy. Nope.

my lovely old dad was.

Not particularly, apart from standing up when a woman comes in. I’ve told him I’ll chop his legs off if he continues. I sit there like a puppy craning up to join in.
It’s performative wankery and has nothing to do with manners, kindness thoughtfulness or any more important qualities.

Definitely but not in a performative way....it's very understated but he will carry bags, open doors etc

I remember when my dad died, the funeral person who comes out to talk about them etc (mind blank on what they are called)
Said he sounds like a gentleman, a man who would walk on the outside of the pavement for you. And he was.

Mine absolutely is, I’m still taken aback at it sometimes as my exH was a bull in a China shop, would barge through doors leaving me pushing and pushchair and or carrying bags and would let it slam on me as I was walking through it and charge off down the street walking so fast I could never keep up.

Exactly this. My DH is just an all round nice guy and I suppose would be classed as a gentleman. He doesn't go around showing it off tho.

No, not by traditional definition. Thank god! We’re equals, I’d be so put off if he started acting like that…

I don't know if I'd use that description as it has some negative old fashioned connotations. He's polite and considerate though. My eldest described him as a 'feminist Queen' the other day which tickled me and is also an accurate description. If you take the modern meaning of queen.

No my DH isn't a gentleman as such, but he's a kind, decent guy and never marched off leaving doors to slam in my face with a pushchair when the DC were little.

It's quite hard to define what a gentleman is but it's a combination of family attitude, education, manners and something else I can't define. I'm not sure social class is necessarily an indicator, although we tend to think of posh men when we say it. One of my late dads old friends is a gent, he's ex public school, ex army officer, has family money behind him not just reliant on what he earns, career with major company everyone's heard of. In retirement he's done all sorts of good works in his local community such as helping in the community shop and high level volunteering. He's a lovely man, kind and generous and just good company. Impeccable manners of course.

This. My husband is what used to be called 'a bit of rough'. He doesn't wear the smart clothes, doesn't know how to be poetic or use the pretty words, but he's honest, hardworking and puts the happiness, comfort and wellbeing of me and our children at the forefront of everything he does. He genuinely listens to what we say, he looks after my parents and will always stop to help if he sees someone (particularly a woman) broken down on the side of the road, and will call out sexism or misogyny if he sees it. He's not smartly dressed or elegant but he's a gentleman in his heart and soul.

Performative wankery
I agree with you there and would hate it too.

I think it does depend on your definition of gentlemanly behaviour. It is being an all round nice guy but also recognising that women are't always treated fairly or nicely.
For my DH it is about treating women well and ensuring equality.
So yes, he'll carry my bag but that's because it's easier for him and he wouldn't want to see me struggle. He wants to make my life easier, that's why I think he's a gentleman.

He avoids misogynistic language and calls his friends out if they use it ( I remember a very heated discussion about his friend calling a women a slut)

He makes sure he's pulling his weight around the house and with childcare and is mindful of what we're teaching our son about the roles of men and women in society.
Being a gentleman is about being respectful to women. It doesn't need to be old fashioned.

My dh walks on outside of pavement, carries bags and opens doors for me. He also gets up and de ices my car before I leave in the morning, brings me a cup of tea in bed every single morning except when he had Covid, and always pulls chair out for me in a restaurant before he sits down. He does have good manners. He also helps other women too. We went on trip to Ireland and went up a castle where Blarney stone is. The steps up are very large and steep. We went up, rested at the top admiring the view. Then going down he helped a lady with a 3 year old and buggy who was worried about little boy getting down safely. He took buggy down for her going ahead of her so little boy could not fall all way down steep steps. Then he apologised to me at bottom for not helping me down. I told him I was happy for him taking buggy down for lady. I was quite capable of going down steps myself without help. I did notice several at top of castle all saw lady struggling with son and buggy and only DH offered her help. I felt proud of him for offering to help.

Well, not 100%, but he's enough. I wouldn't want completely old fashioned gentleman at home anyway. Husband opens the door for me, never starts eating until I sit down to eat my meal too (I cook&serve), kisses my hand, brings flowers, always super respectful to me all the time (never said a bad word or swore to me), carries heavy shopping etc. I also admire that he helps other women- lets them jump the queue when they're pregnant/holding a baby, helps with heavy lifting, with buggy on the stairs etc. At the same time HE chooses his seating at restaurant (because I don't mind any and he prefers to see everything in the room) or farts when in the same room 😂So yeah, not impeccable manners, but hey ho, we're all humans.

God no, I hate all that. He's kind, thoughtful, treats me with respect etc but I don't need someone to hold doors open, pull out my chair and all that. My vagina doesn't stop me doing most things for myself.

What's the female equivalent?
Why is treating other people nicely such a big deal if you're male that it needs a special word?

I'm stronger than my DH, I carry shit for him. We're both capable of opening doors by ourselves, but will hold a door for someone if they need it regardless of their sex. "Being a gentleman" needs to go away and we should just expect men to not be twats, and expect women to be able to do shit for themselves.

My late dad was a gentleman. He always stood when someone came into the room. He wore a hat because he had cancer and lost his hair, but he took his hat off in company. He shook hands with visitors. He did more than his share of housework when he was able. He was kind and generous with his time. He loved me and my children unreservedly and would have done anything to help. I still miss him after eleven years gone.

I wouldn't say my was in the traditional sense and sometimes he doesn't think, but overall he's one of the good ones in terms of treating me well, listening to me (even if I have to spell it out sometimes there's a problem!!) and appreciating what I do and put into our relationship.

I would say so. He is very gentle and kind. My pal runs a holiday club for kids where they do lots of outdoor activities (campfire cooking, water sports, den building etc) and she reckons he's the only dad who helps without mansplaining or trying to take over. My friends are always telling me how lucky I am. I think so too!