Explaining why women can be scared of men to your older children

[Mossball]

I have two teen boys and a younger primary aged girl. We were watching Hunted and some of the fugitives were hitch hiking close to where we live. I was asked if I would have picked them up. Given the presence of a camera crew I agreed I might - but without the crew I would never have picked up two males with just me and my daughter in the car due to fears for our safety.

At this point I'm accused of being sexist. I point out that men are generally more violent, more likely to be convicted of violent offences etc. That while I might stand a chance against a woman I would not against a man. Interestingly the reverse situation of DH saying he would not pick up two female hitch hikers in case of a false accusation was not an issue for the boys.

I appreciate I don't speak for all women but I know if I'm out alone walking my dog on the common or walking back from the pub at night, or going for a run, I'm wary of men. How do you explain that fear to your own sons?

Absolutely!

The conversation I had with DP where the penny dropped went something along the lines of

'You and your mate were beaten up when you were seventeen by a group of lads - '

'Cunts'

'Yeah, that's the ones. What were you worried about whilst it was happening?'

'Getting my head kicked in, obviously. They were all six foot tall when I was about eight and a half stone of nothing'.

'OK, so I'd guess because they were doing that, you curled up into a ball and tried to protect your face and head?'

'Yes. And then 'Neil's' Dad drove up as he was going to be picking us up and they legged it because he was bloody massive from hefting bales and sheep around all day. So he dropped Neil off with his Mum and took me home'.

'Great, the big man saved the day. Did it occur to you when they were beating you up that they were going drag you into the bushes and take turns to rape you? And when his Dad turned up, did you have to worry that he might take the opportunity to do the same once you were in his Landy alone?'

'No, of course no- Oh.'

So if adult men are unaware of how women worry about their safety I'm not sure why it's surprising that my relatively sheltered sons don't get it.

I have to be careful about teaching them the risks because actually I don't want them to think as male they are 'safe'. They're at risk of violence from males too. Recently a friend's son walking home was challenged by boys his age who had a knife. So they need to be aware. But I have the problem of balance because currently my eldest cannot leave the house alone, can't go into a shop alone etc due to social anxiety.

They might not be aware of the scale of fear or the plethora of tactics women use to avoid male violence but most men wouldn't struggle to understand why a woman might not pick up male hitch-hikers.

It's the faux naivety that men are suffering from women discriminating against them that needs to give you pause for thought. That's not just being ignorant of the facts - that is a particular narrative that begins, "women want equality - until they don't" - which attempts to make victims of men and villains out of afraid women.

I'm just surprised because so many younger people seem so much more aware these days. Admittedly, I'm basing this on dd's friends and my nephew/his friends. They all talk about it as if it's really obvious so I hoped that we had moved on, but clearly we haven't and there are still some teenagers who are oblivious.

I am surprised at adult men who don't seem to get it either. Maybe I could have accepted it a few years back, but after the whole "me too" movement, there is really no excuse.

I think men (and boys) who claim to be unaware now are really just choosing to turn a blind eye/disengage. In most cases, it isn't believable any more that they just don't know. Some of them just don't want to know.

This. My son is only 10 but he is very clear on the reasons why I won’t take him on the shortcut through the woods at night and why I avoid groups of men at the station etc. He knows that murder and rape exist and that women have much much lower ability to protect themselves than men do.

You need to educate your sons asap as they obviously have zero empathy for women or knowledge of what it’s like to be one. You’re their mum it was your job to bring them up with empathy for women.

If my son called me sexist I’d withdraw some IT privileges or give him extra housework to do. It’s not your son’s place to police your speech, especially your answer to a question he asked!

There was a recent hidden-camera documentary www.channel4.com/programmes/undercover-sexual-harassment-the-truth that might be useful.

My reaction to what they showed was 'Well... yeah. Nothing new there.' But as part of the documentary they showed the hidden-camera footage to a panel of men of various ages, and it did seem to make them think about things that will have been happening around them all their lives, but that they never seen before.

Just say when you are out with them at night. Let's keep our distance people can feel worried ...show by example

Your dc being neurodiverse may have a significant impact upon their ability to understand how women feel, without guidance from you.

My 15yo ND ds refused to accept that he was stronger than me, because all his life I had been able to beat him in a tickle-fight. He is an intelligent child, but did not understand why I no longer tickled him from age 11 or 12, even when he really wanted me to.

In ds's mind he (a) would never attack anybody, and (b) was less of a fighter than a woman, so he could not conceive that any other man would attack a woman, or that the woman would not be able to get the better of him in a fight.

I got ds to think about how bullies behave. As a ND child, he's been the victim often enough. Then I challenged him to arm-wrestle me to demonstrate his superior strength. If he, so much stronger than me, has not been able to beat bullies his own age, what chance would I have against even stronger adult men?

It was quite an eye-opener for him.