Porn

[Spinning12335]

1. If you'd had very minimal sex life for years with husband due to his supposed depression/ stress/ asexuality then discovered he'd been watching a lot of porn all along how would you feel? Anyone had experience of working through/ leaving in similar situation?

1. Does 'anything go' with porn? Found fetish stuff and also lots with death/ snuff/ rape fantasy in the title too. Couldn't open so not sure of exact contents.

Unnerved by this but perhaps I'm a bit sheltered?! I find it a turn off and think of him differently.

You can't keep going knowing what he's really like OP. You'll never be able to enjoy sex ever again. And he sounds potentially dangerous tbh.

Well yes, I'd say snuff, death and rape is very different from (often consensual but still potentially dangerous) choking. And choking isn't that 'popular' anyway in real life.

You can't compare the two fgs, snuff is as bad as it gets, I mean honestly. Is this genuine? I get that it's hard to find the courage to leave but just no

@fanjosaysi I’m incredulous too. Unless you grossly exaggerated what he was looking at in the OP he is not look at choking/ slapping that you’d see on Pornhub (although for most women even that would be a huge red flag). He’s looking at women hanging. Being killed, real or not. How can you possibly cope being in the same house, having that person around your child, knowing that he has masturbated over a probably hugely vulnerable girl in the most terrifying, painful moments of her life. Genuinely if you were my friend and you told me this, if you didn’t kick him out I’d be phoning social services/ the police.

Not on pornhub. Available on the internet though. Not illegal- have checked. Don't see why social services would be interested as it isn't harming the kids is it. He's been into it since before they were born and I've never had concerns over his parenting.

Splitting would massively impact the kids. They love their dad. Most likely need to move etc. Regardless of how disgusted I am I don't see it as a simple decision.

Well, this is your choice.

Legality isn't the test, but I'm not sure how you have determined it is lawful as this is difficult test to apply.

Anything however that involves depictions of hanging, suffocation, or an act that could threaten a persons life can be illegal.

And may it be pointed to you that if you can access it, you could be in possession.

So I wouldn't be sunny about this, because it's up to two years in prison if you are wrong.

Is that true- even if tagged as 'fantasy' or 'consensual'? Surely it's not too dissimilar to a horror film.....

I'm not sunny about this- my decision will have long lasting impact on me and the kids whatever I do, I am taking it very seriously trust me.

@Spinning12335 do you genuinely believe it is “fantasy” or “consensual”? On Pornhub, which your husband is watching more extreme material than, there are regularly videos tagged like this of laughing girls at the beginning saying they consent to everything that’s about to happen and that they have full control of the situation. This has regularly been found not to be the case and Pornhub has been prosecuted for showing such videos of girls that have been trafficked/ drugged/ held at gun point to make those first bits of the videos and they get beaten black and blue and often suffer permanent brain damage from the lack of oxygen from the strangling/ submersions. Your husband doesn’t find that extreme enough and wants something even more “realistic”. You are beyond naive if you think these girls are happy hooker actresses. They are trafficked, beaten and tortured and your husband, the father of your children, masturbates over their suffering.

What would be the line in the sand for you, seriously? It wasn’t really child abuse because it had a disclaimer at the beginning that these prepubescent, crying girls are actually legal and loving it? Oh, wouldn’t want to disturb the family, it’s only a little kink of his.

I know it must be a huge shock, I get that. But how you can ever find this something you can move past in a relationship is beyond me. Your self esteem must be absolutely rock bottom to think that you and your kids are better off with a man who thinks the sexiest thing in the world is a woman dying in terror.

To think you are potentially thinking of staying for the stability of the children, where as I'd be verging on going for full custody because I'd be anxious leaving them a lone with him after this. Like a PP has said, it's one step away from child exploitation.

Massive hugs to you. What a truly awful situation to be in.

I really do empathise with the way you are feeling - it is always difficult to break up a family, no matter how awful the circumstances. If I were in your situation, I would feel completely overwhelmed.

I have to agree with other posters, though; it seems like you are so focused on keeping your family together that you are minimising what your husband has done and the potential risk he poses to you and your children.

I think with issues like this, it can often help to try to look objectively at the facts:

1. Your husband has been watching and masturbating to some of the most extreme porn available: women being strangled, tortured, raped, hung and murdered. He enjoys women’s pain, suffering and death.

1. In terms of criminality: if the videos are real, they are certainly illegal. If the videos are “fake”, then they are still potentially illegal. As a previous poster said, porn websites and producers have been found guilty of threatening/coercing women into making these videos.

1. Even if the videos are ok in the eyes of the law, his enjoyment of them is still ethically awful. You have a good random sample of women’s opinions here, with approx. 50 responses from different users. Every single response is either alarmed at what your husband has been doing, or saying it would be a deal breaker for them. Not a single woman has posted saying she would be ok with it. That is a good barometer of how an average, reasonable person would react to what your husband has done.

1. These are just the videos you know about. There is a strong link between the desensitisation of extreme porn driving men to want to view worse and worse content, frequently resulting in them choosing to watch child exploitation material. Here’s an article on the topic: amp.theguardian.com/global-development/2020/dec/15/how-extreme-porn-has-become-a-gateway-drug-into-child-abuse

1. Normal men do not watch or enjoy content like this. Normal men would feel sick, disgusted or alarmed by the videos your husband enjoys. An example of the type of man who enjoys extremely violent/degenerate porn is Wayne Couzens, who went on to kidnap, rape and murder Sarah Everard. Time and time again in criminal cases like this, it turns out the man has a history of watching extreme/illegal porn. www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10042119/amp/Sarah-Everards-killer-Wayne-Couzens-attracted-brutal-pornography.html Of course this doesn’t mean your husband is 100% about to go and commit an atrocious crime. But it does show the sort of company he is in.

1. Your husband has consciously lied to and deceived you, claiming to be “asexual” whilst secretly hoarding abusive pornography and masturbating to it. The fact he has hidden it shows he knows it is wrong. The fact that he has chosen to neglect your normal sexual needs and your relationship in order to focus on his own abnormal sexual desires shows that he is selfish.

You honestly deserve so much better than this.

Your partner gets off to watching women being raped. I'm not sure why you're even asking if that's ok.

I'm not minimising deliberately. Finding it really hard to accept the person who has done this for years is the same who I know/knew. And definitely overwhelmed/ frozen by it.

That article about extreme porn being a gateway is terrifying.

I think I just need a bit of time to process it. I won't be able to move past it but I don't know if I can do what needs to be done quite yet either. I feel like if he was a threat to the kids or I then we'd have had some indication of that already though.

Steakn salad, that was an excellent breakdown and you made very valid points. Being able to watch acts of cruelty /pain infliction etc would suggest that op Dh has no empathy which if I was op would find that very concerning.

Is that true- even if tagged as 'fantasy' or 'consensual'? Surely it's not too dissimilar to a horror film.....

First of all, I would bet my house that most things tagged consensual are not consensual at all. It's just what they write to avoid being taken down.

Secondly, horror films are designed to horror you, not turn you on. I don't think any normal person masturbates to horror films. So it's very dissimilar to extreme pornography imo.

I really do understand this must be such a shock for you, but don't let this get played down in your head.

I'm definitely going end things. I don't know if I will be honest about why or not. Am a bit concerned he'd try to talk me round and make me feel bad for breaking up the family. We got close to breaking up once before and he ended up saying he wouldn't want to live without me :-|.

Basically he has been lying to you about his depression being the reason for your lack of intimacy while he was watching hardcore/extreme porn behind your back.

I think to me it would be enough to tell him to leave.

Because he sounds like he is addicted to it and seeking ever more extreme ''thrills''. As other have said he could be watching and downloading illegal content as well.

Don't take the risk and take your kids out of this environment.

''@Spinning12335 · Today 07:40
I'm definitely going end things. I don't know if I will be honest about why or not. Am a bit concerned he'd try to talk me round and make me feel bad for breaking up the family.''

Also, you are not the one ''breaking up the family''. Your husband's behaviour caused this. You are in fact protecting your kids.

A partner watching porn really doesn't bother me, and never has, but this is an absolute no no. I would be ending the relationship with this weirdo without hesitation, more so with children involved!. Rape and sex with dead bodies is the equivalent to child porn in my opinion... sick, depraved and twisted. Not the kind of human I'd want to share my life with.

Ffs you can find all sorts of sick stuff on the Internet, doesn't mean it's legal

I know that Miss Maple- I've not assumed it's legal because it's on the internet....... I researched the laws around it.

I don't have a problem/ would have been accepting of 'usual' porn too. In fact I remember talking to him about it early on and him point blank denying he had any interest and saying he'd never really been into sex that much at all.

He's gone and I'm devastated. There were other things going on apart from this. I felt trapped and had no trust left, could barely look at him.

But now- I feel worse and wish I could make it all disappear. Feel physically ill and full of regret and didn't know I could feel more awful than before.

Did you confront him about the porn? So sorry this I'd happening to you hugs

Yes