I have cancer - need opinions on what to do with my children

[Pleasehelpmewithwhattodo]

On my second bout of cancer, a few months ago it was all looking good, however it is now spreading and I need some more intensive treatments.

I'm a single parent, 4 children by 2 fathers.

My older 2 are 18 and 14, my younger 2 are 6 and 7.

The older ones dad hasn't seen them for years and takes nothing to do with them.

The younger ones dad sees them 1 day every 2 weeks, he takes them for 1 week in summer but I need to provide all the clothes, he sends the washing back, he's OK but he definitely cannot cope with them at all. He had them for 8 days when I had my first operation and I never heard the end if the 'favour' he did, they never saw a bath or a vegetable the whole time they were there.

I've asked him if he is able to take them for tea one day a week after school so I can have a rest day and he said he couldn't manage with his schedule (works 3 12 hour shifts a week) I was working 45 hours a week and doing all appointments sorted childcare etc with no help from him at all until I had to give up work for health reasons

I'm not terminal or anything, however I am thinking of the possibility at this point, I need to make plans for my kids.

Older ones dad doesn't care and won't bother with them, the little ones dad cannot take them full time, he doesn't have the room or the inclination. I have no family at all (abusive mum, siblings are addicts). I had to move some years back as ex husband was abusive so I don't have really good friends here, more like acquaintances although I was with someone for 3 years, it didn't work out, but we are still friends, and he loves my kids.

My 18 year old has talked to me about this and he wants to take responsibility for his siblings if something should happen to me.

He works, is doing a degree and has big plans for his life, but he is an angel and has been amazing while I've been ill.

My ex has said that he is willing to move in and take responsibility for my kids if anything should happen to me (he does help a lot when I'm ill, takes them to their clubs, helps out with the school run etc).

Neither option is ideal, but I don't have many.

Both my older children helped out more than they should have had to when I was ill the first time and it breaks my heart that part of their childhood was snatched due to my illness.

I just don't know what to do, how to plan, what the best options are.

Can someone please help me figure out a plan please, I cant control much so I need to try and sort out what I can.

💐I’m so sorry 😞

It sounds like you’ve raised a good hearted, responsible young man. My first thought is perhaps Social Services can support your son in this as there is no other family support?

You definitely need family support through this. I would Google what others have done in this situation (add “forum” to your searches) but definitely get support set up, through Social Services or relevant charities.

Your eldest sounds like an angel. If the worst happens then social services should be able to support your eldest to keep your family together. It's happened locally to me, the community also has rallied and they are loved by all, those children do not go without and and have many honours grandparents and aunties. I'm sure there are people in your community who can help you now too, it's worth having a conversation with social services too for reassurance and to get help for your kids as young carers

Wow firstly can I say how amazing you are. Please don't think you have snatched any of their childhood. For what you have said about your kids, their bravery and selflessness it clearly shows they have been brought up so well. You did that, the fact they can talk to you about anything shows they have had a fabulous childhood.

Cancer is outwith your control and you are now showing them life is worth fighting for. You haven't snatched anything!! You've given them everything!!!

With what to do, have you spoken to the likes of macmillan, even social work could help. They have access to a lot of different support systems, young carers help etc.... in the event the worst happens and you were to leave them all with your oldest they might be able to support them in this (they don't ever aim to split families up) I would also speak to someone like citizens advice or a lawyer to make sure everything is written down with what you want to happen.

Your ex being willing to help is also amazing, what a stand up guy and he also sounds like he would be an amazing role model.

Citizens advice might also tell you where you stand with the younger ones, if their dad has legal rights etc.. sorry that's not giving you an answer but I couldn't read and not say something.

You are a warrior. I really hope you kick cancers ass!!!!

the father of the youngest steps up. He doesn't have any choice

Its great they have a big brother looking out for them too, but they are their father's responsibility

Your two oldest children may be eligible for some support from Young Carers, see if they have a branch near you.
carers.org/about-caring/about-young-carers

www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/support-and-benefits-for-carers/being-a-young-carer-your-rights/

So sorry to hear, it must be so hard, hope for the best but I are right, u need a plan of action.

No idea how SS will handle that, would they insist on adoption/fostering of the younger children? I think u need to consider formalising something.

Your oldest is a star but it will be very hard on him to keep the family together.

I hope the treatment works for a long time yet

My son is such a good kid, and I know he would put his whole life on hold to raise his siblings in a heartbeat, which would be so unfair. He was home schooling them a lot when I was ill the first time round and covid was on, I could go on and on about all the amazing things he did to look after us all really, but he's just so young and he takes on so much, and has never once complained.

The little ones dad absolutely wouldn't step up, he can't cope with them for any length of time, he is an OK part time dad, but he does the absolute bare minimum he can possibly get away with, and I'm always on call when he has them as he constantly asks questions, is unsure about basic parenting things, when I came round from the first surgery I had 6 missed calls from him over something really trivial. He was barely willing to take them during my first op, won't have them extra while I'm having treatment so if I were to die he wouldn't take them, I'm sure of it.

My ex and I did discuss him adopting them if I do become terminal, he would be able to adopt my teen, her dad wouldn't put up a fight and would be glad not to pay maintenence, the little ones dad wouldn't allow him to adopt them I don't think, even though he wouldn't take them, I also don't think he would be happy with another man raising his kids, even though he also wouldn't do it, so that's a very tough situation.

The first time around was over covid so there wasn't anything in terms of support or anyone I could see, so thank you for the suggestion of macmillan, I'll contact them for advice. I know I'm getting a bit ahead if myself but I think of the future and just feel sick that I have no real idea what will happen to my kids if I die.

Would social work help? I've only ever had dealings with them when ex (oldest ones dad) put malicious reports in when I left, which was literally checking whatever he said and then signing the report off and only coming back when they got another. They wouldn't swoop in and take my kids if they think I've got too ill or something would they?

Its just such an awful situation, I never expected to be in this position and I have no idea how to make things better for my kids, this is going to be their main memories from their childhood which is absolutely crushing me.

Is it a social house or do you own
if social / HA ask about putting your eldest on the Tenancy :
That way should anything happen to you in the future he would be able to continue living at the house with his siblings
i remember reading about a young girl who took on her siblings but she had to fight with the local council to stay in the house and be named the Tennant.

wishing you and your family all the best

I am on a council house and he is named on the tenancy, I have a tiny life insurance set up with him as the beneficiary and my cremation is paid for and he is named on it to receive my ashes afterwards.

Anything practical I can actually do I think I have done, it's just where my kids will go that is a huge concern.

I'll also contact young carers, thank you.

I would say. Your son should have them but with the support of social services and the other childrens schools

What a terrible situation for you all Hopefully none of this will be necessary for a very long time

Once your eldest turns 18, can be adopt the younger ones?

There are specialist social workers who may be able to help you think this through. Sometimes they are part of your hospital treatment team or other times may be available through a local hospice. Please don't panic about the word hospice, they have so many resources which you may well be able to access to help you put a plan in place. A good starting point may be your nurse specialist (if you have one) or your treatment team, they will know what's available locally.

Macmillan have a telephone support line and can give general advice. Not sure of the phone number but it's on the website.

If you are near a Maggie's centre they are also excellent and again may have access to specialist social workers.

Your son sounds amazing x

Jemma bere did this podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-phone-call-that-changed-everything/id1561150286?i=1000539137515

www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-59009682.amp

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-10219063/Jemma-gave-dream-starting-family-adopted-brother-sister.html

Listrn to the radio 4 podcast i rec all she had support from ss
Differnt circs but shows it can be done

Does the father of the younger two have useful family, parents or siblings who could either help him raise them or support your eldest?

Not if their father doesn't go along with it.

"No idea how SS will handle that, would they insist on adoption/fostering of the younger children? I think u need to consider formalising something."

In a similar situation the family was set up with a respite style carer who was a foster carer who was able to offer the family consistency of care for the children and some much needed recovery time for the parent going through treatment. It was a back up plan, a safety net and a reassurance for everyone.

I'm glad you've got two back ups in place, your lovely son and your EX.
You might want to consider granting your son Power of Attorney so that if you're in hospital he can manage your money and bills etc.

Have you sought support from cancer charities? We had a lot of advice and support from them.

If the father of the younger two is useless in practical terms, why not lay it on the line to him that he's going to have to do more financially; enough for you to hire some occasional help in the house.

have you made a will
with a letter of your wishes that your children should stay together should anything happen to you
can you make your son there legal guardian if that’s what you both want .

You have obviously been a bloody amazing mum to have raised such a fab young man

I won't add to the advice above but just to signpost you to the Fruitfly Collective who have lovely resources that can help with talking to kids about some of the changes to their lives when cancer is around.

Wishing you all the best OP.

What a difficult situation for you, and what an amazing young man your son is.

I wouldnt worry about social services ‘swooping in’ to take the children away but it would be worth contacting them to see what support is available for your son. Social services will always try and keep siblings together - but the first person they will look to is their father.

Just a question - if the father of the second two won’t step up to take them full time and he wouldnt agree to your friend adopting them, what do you think he thinks will happen to them?

Its great that your son is on the tenancy - Make sure he knows what benefits would be available to him, and also that he would get any maintenance from the fathers. Legal guardianship would be useful to look at - both for your son and friend
Good luck

As others have said contact Social Services. I would do it asap so they have plenty of time to put plans in place e.g young carers referral. The longer you leave it the more limited the options x

Your son sounds absolutely wonderful, you must be so proud and well done for raising sure a fabulous human.

Get Power of Attorney set up asap
Make sure you have a Will.
Can you ask son to legally adopt but perhaps Ex as younger 2’s guardian
Get younger 2 dad to start stepping up gradually. Write him a manual - seriously he is a joke but might help you write down all the little things the younger 2 need and like.

Get some emotional support for the older 2, young carer’s or google local youth support

Fuck me. Really feel for you. No advice different from above but hope everything turns out ok. Your son sounds bloody brilliant. 💐

Macmillan and Maggie’s are both brilliant and can signpost to all sorts of other resources. If you’re near a Maggie’s centre you can drop in and ask a member of staff for a conversation which might also help you to think through options. Macmillan have a good forum on their website as well.

You sound amazing, and so do your children. Maybe Maggie’s could be helpful for them too at least in offering a low-key option to talk to someone who has knowledge of cancer and the pressures on carers 💐