I have cancer - need opinions on what to do with my children

[Pleasehelpmewithwhattodo]

On my second bout of cancer, a few months ago it was all looking good, however it is now spreading and I need some more intensive treatments.

I'm a single parent, 4 children by 2 fathers.

My older 2 are 18 and 14, my younger 2 are 6 and 7.

The older ones dad hasn't seen them for years and takes nothing to do with them.

The younger ones dad sees them 1 day every 2 weeks, he takes them for 1 week in summer but I need to provide all the clothes, he sends the washing back, he's OK but he definitely cannot cope with them at all. He had them for 8 days when I had my first operation and I never heard the end if the 'favour' he did, they never saw a bath or a vegetable the whole time they were there.

I've asked him if he is able to take them for tea one day a week after school so I can have a rest day and he said he couldn't manage with his schedule (works 3 12 hour shifts a week) I was working 45 hours a week and doing all appointments sorted childcare etc with no help from him at all until I had to give up work for health reasons

I'm not terminal or anything, however I am thinking of the possibility at this point, I need to make plans for my kids.

Older ones dad doesn't care and won't bother with them, the little ones dad cannot take them full time, he doesn't have the room or the inclination. I have no family at all (abusive mum, siblings are addicts). I had to move some years back as ex husband was abusive so I don't have really good friends here, more like acquaintances although I was with someone for 3 years, it didn't work out, but we are still friends, and he loves my kids.

My 18 year old has talked to me about this and he wants to take responsibility for his siblings if something should happen to me.

He works, is doing a degree and has big plans for his life, but he is an angel and has been amazing while I've been ill.

My ex has said that he is willing to move in and take responsibility for my kids if anything should happen to me (he does help a lot when I'm ill, takes them to their clubs, helps out with the school run etc).

Neither option is ideal, but I don't have many.

Both my older children helped out more than they should have had to when I was ill the first time and it breaks my heart that part of their childhood was snatched due to my illness.

I just don't know what to do, how to plan, what the best options are.

Can someone please help me figure out a plan please, I cant control much so I need to try and sort out what I can.

I think you may need some legal advice in sorting a will which can include your wishes for your children.
Maybe someone can approach ‘dads’ and discuss how they feel and what options you’ve suggested for the children.

Hi I’m a cancer nurse specialist, and sadly I’ve had to support people with this same scenario. Firstly speak to social services. They will have a family team who can liaise with schools etc to let them know the circumstances and also ensure some support can be put in place at school for emotional support for your kids. They may be able to suggest practical support too.

They would also be able to give advice on your options with regards to planning ahead and who takes parental responsibility for your youngest.
Im so sorry you are going through this. Your oldest sounds fab but the family team should also be able to support him. Also look into young careers as a previous poster suggested

I work in child protection and can honestly say SS would never force adoption/fostering of the younger kids. Not if there is a suitable family member, willing to step up and keep the family together. They would provide your son all the help they could to keep the home life as stable as possible.

He really does sound like he has his head screwed on and would be capable of doing this.

Do you have any other family (your parents or any siblings)? When our children were little my parents agreed to care for them if anything were to happen to us. Would this be an option for you?

I really hope this is a non problem and you have many more decades with your children. Best wishes and positive thoughts to you.

If you didn't feel comfortable going to social work right away, I get that. People have a negative view on them (I'm not a social worker) then honestly speak to citizens advice, or mcmillan they will have dealt with similar and be able to offer you advice and support!!!

Thank you for all the advice. I never thought about legal guardianship, does anyone know if I would have to have my exes permission for that?

I'm not really sure what the younger ones dad thinks will happen, he talks a great talk of being a parent, but he can't handle it in reality, we split when the little one was 6 months and the oldest wasn't quite 2 yet because he couldn't cope, at that point I was working 2 jobs, breastfeeding, and he was doing fuck all, not even housework because he found being a parent stressful. His pride would prevent him from allowing a lot of things, but he wouldn't step up, he won't even help financially any more than he is legally obliged to. I've even offered a reduction in maintenence if he takes the kids after school for tea once a week but he says he needs his time off, and that my health isn't his issue. He has no family around here, they are all about 300 miles away, so they can't help him. I just know I absolutely cannot rely on him at all to do anything more than he does already.

I'll give social services a call tomorrow and have a chat, at this point things are OK, I'm just waiting for some results to see the extent of things and then I'll get the plan for what's next, so it's probably better to sort things out as best I can while I'm feeling OK and able to make decisions.

My ds is truly amazing, and my ex/friend is a really great guy, so I am lucky that I have the support from them, while I'm around I know that we can all manage between us, I'm just scared of what will happen if I die, my kids have only ever known each other and they are all so close they couldn't bear to be separated.

Hopefully it's just me being dramatic and it won't come to anything, it's just a really scary time.

Thank you all for the advice and letting me vent and discuss this here, I hate talking about it with ds because I don't want to scare him, and ex/friend just keeps telling me I'll be absolutely fine because I think he's a bit scared.

Do you definitely think the Dad couldn’t learn to step up if he really had to? Does he have any women in his family who could support him?

Sorry you are having such a hard time OP. I don’t have any advice really, but my mum died when I was 23 and I had to take on my sister (who was 12), our dads were the same as your childrens dads and I never saw either of them again. Her partner left in the final days and we didn’t see him again either. Once my sister came to live in my house I phoned social services and they didn’t want to no, she was already safe and they didn’t give a crap (I’m not sure if it would have been different if I’d have phoned them before taking her). I was able to move her school and register with my doctor etc with no parental responsibility (I lifted about 3 hours away from my mums home). But when she got older that lack of parental responsibility became a nightmare as I couldn’t open a bank account for her or apply for a passport.

I did get child benefit and guardians allowance, but I had to declare that her father wasn’t in contact for that. My mums cancer came very quickly and she was gone in less than a year so we just didn’t have the time to come to terms with things properly and plan, it sounds like you are doing a great job thinking and planning incase of the worst. Hopefully it’s plans you will never need executing.

When you need to, don’t be afraid to have those hard conversations with your son. He needs to hear it and be able to ask questions and it’s very hard as the ‘kid’ to bring it up.

He probably could learn, but he doesn't want to, kids are too big a commitment for him and he will not do anymore than 2 nights a month.

If he were to take the kids on he would have to move house as his isn't big enough, he doesn't want to do this, even though in the next few years the set up at his place will be totally unsuitable for the kids.

His mum and sisters live hundreds of miles away and they wouldn't move here.

He is more than happy doing the minimum he can do, but his pride wouldn't let him have another man (son or my friend/ex) officially adopt them, even if he was still able to have them the same amount as now.

For him to refuse to take the kids, after I offered to reduce maintenence, while I undergo chemo because he needs his downtime pretty much sums him up as a person.

Unfortunately I have no family other than my kids, my childhood was a mess and my siblings and parent are awful, abusive people who I've been nc with for 15 years.

The school knew last time and were great with the kids, I didn't know that SS could liase to support them a bit more so that's helpful to know. I have an appointment at school on Friday to discuss how they can support the little ones.

Thank you for all the advice, this is so helpful and it's good to discuss this without worrying about making people feel worse or hearing platitudes.

@Coffeellama I'm so sorry about your mum, and that you got no help from SS, that's absolutely shocking.

Thank you for your perspective.

You are an amazing sibling ❤

I would also advise your eldest to contact student support at his university.

While he may not need anything right now, it is good to make them aware in case he needs an extension or to apply for extenuating circumstances.

They may also be able to give him advice about young carers networks and such like, additional grants if he needs them because he can't work etc.

There are sometimes scholarship opportunities as well but not everyone knows to look for them. Every university's are different but because many have been left as bequests you get the odd one with pretty specific criteria that he might just meet. It's worth 10 minutes on the website to check.

Hope your treatment goes well.

coffeellama’s situation does feel a bit different to yours, she was a fair bit older and there was only one child.

She’s absolutely right though about getting the legal situation out, particularly given the attitude on the younger ones’ dad.
Should the need arise and someone else will need to be apointed to care for your children, the last thing that person will need is conflict over who can make decisions.
Your friend who helps sounds lovely. There’s a huge difference between helping out with school runs and activities and having complete responsibilty for two very young children, who will be be grieving. It will also come of course with financial responsibility for them as well. Its a huge ask - he needs to be clear about the potential responsibility

Ds has spoken to his university, he has been amazing and kept up with his studies, but I really worry about things getting worse and him taking on more and giving up in his dream. He was already talking about deferring for a year, I really don't want him to do that. I'll ask him to talk to them again as he will probably need support at some point.

My friend/ex and I discussed every aspect of the possibility of him taking my kids on, he is 100% committed, he has figured things out financially and figured out what he can/can't claim, he would move in here and keep their routine and lives going as much as normal. He managed to change his hours at work so he is free for school pick ups and my ds schedule means he can do drop offs every day, this is while treatment is ongoing but if need be he can stay at the hours he is on.

The only thorn in that scenario is the little ones dad. A discussion will need to be had with him, he needs to step up for then or step aside, he can't just not help but make it difficult for others to help me too.

I'll speak to macmillan, the school and Ss tomorrow depending what the school say, they may contact them on my behalf.

Thank you for helping me clarify my thoughts and make a plan. Doing the practical stuff really helps.

one thing which you could do which might be helpful is to talk to your eldest about finances in a way that you might usually do with an older child so that he has a fuller understanding of what you’ve got coming in and out.

You might already have done this but have you considered opening a joint bank account with your eldest? It would mean that if something happened to you then he would still have access to the family account.

If you are reasonably well off financially it would also be worth thinking about some regular paid help to support you which could continue to support the kids if the worst happened. A cleaner for two hours a week would be a really good start.

one more thought - Do the younger two have any good friends at school? I would happily commit to having my child’s friend over for dinner once a week after school if mum had cancer. And an arrangement like that would be a huge help for your son if he does end up taking on more responsibility.

good luck with all of your treatment - this must be so scary for you xx

Hi I’m a social worker. Your ex could get parental responsibility for the children without adopting them. Then their dad doesn’t stop being their dad, and could continue seeing them like he does now, but your ex would also have all the legal power he needs to parent. To do this, your ex can apply for a Child Arrangements Order or a Special Guardianship Order. Also, your eldest son could apply for these orders if needed. They probably would only do this if you do die.

of course, I’m really hoping you don’t, and he doesn’t need to. But possibly worth talking to the ex now about it so he gets used to the idea.

In terms of if your friend/ ex partner was to take on care it doesn't have to be via adoption, social care can support a special guardianship order in which father retains PR and he could continue to have the level of contact he does now, the benefits of SGO is the local authority would have to offer an appropriate package of support ongoing as needed. Alternatively he could be supported to get a child arrangement order, this could potentially even be a shared care arrangement with father -for example your friend/ex has primary residency but children's father has x amount of time with children as agreed (just as if two parents were to get a CAO). Social care could also wrap support around your son caring for them (although I totally understand your reservations there). There are plenty of different ways you can be supported to think about this and absolutely getting the ball rolling with social care is a great idea so that if the worst does happen everything is planned.

Sorry to read you’re in this situation.

Appoint your Eldest as power of attorney.

Look into parental responsibility (legal guardianship. Wishing you the best for your treatment

www.legalandgeneral.com/insurance/life-insurance/family/how-to-appoint-a-legal-guardian/

I'm so sorry you are facing this. Sending so much love.

Your oldest son sounds wonderfully responsible. When my parents made their wills, we had no suitable family in the event of their death so they made my 18 year old brother my guardian. I was several years younger. It never transpired, thankfully, but I always knew he would step up for me if he had to. In fact, I know someone who had to do just that for their younger brother when they were suddenly orphaned.

If you decide on that option, don't listen to naysayers. You know your son and keeping a family together should the worst happen is the best option.

But only you can decide if you prefer one of the adults involved.

I am also a single parent. I understand your fears and share them. I think I would discuss guardianship with the ex should the worst happen. I would also allow oldest guardianship. The children need to stay together for stability, too. You also need to discuss with the children your plan should the worst happen in an age appropriate way. Honesty, even if scary, is best. It's probably a good idea to get some legal advice on this and find out what support services are available should your children need help. I will be keeping you in my prayers. Please update if you can. 🌹