DD feeling down about photos of her on other teens’ social media

[yetanothernickname123]

Just normal pics that she doesn’t like. She’s 13. Hoping for some advice, because she’s upset and I often get a bit paralysed and inarticulate when first processing this type of situation. Worried I will make it worse.

I know that some of you are much better at finding things to say that will reassure and comfort and support.

I haven’t seen the pictures myself yet; I just know she’s been shown them at school and doesn’t like them. The girl who posted them seems a bit troubled. She blows hot and cold but has been aggressive to dd in the past.

I don’t think there’s much we can do about the photos unless it turns out to be actual bullying, in which case that’s another sort of thread.

But what can you say to just help dc cope with the modern reality that it’s not really possible to control what their peers do with standard images, taken at the park or school or wherever, in which they appear?

This is a tough one as I completely feel the rules should be stricter regarding the sharing of photos and videos, especially of children.

We've all felt like that! People tend to post the photoshop where they look their best. The other girl probably didn't even notice what everyone else looked like.

Not liking the way you look in photos is kind of standard isn’t it? But I guess these days teenagers are so used to posed and filtered images that normal photos will look terrible by comparison 😕

I think I would be telling her that a) her friends probably won’t pay much attention to the photos, or if they do they’ll mainly be focusing on how they look themselves, not how she looks and b) she looks lovely in real life and that’s what people see far more of.

Depends surely. A perfectly normal natural photo that your daughter doesn’t find flattering well that’s life really.

A picture that someone’s altered to make her look bad then that’s an issue.

This is true. I agree that it's hard because she's right.

However, it's a great lesson in styling it out. If the girl is doing it to get a rise, the best way is to ignore. Or better, if your DD can manage it, a "you have a lot of pictures of me, obsessed much?" kind of attitude.

You’re all right, of course. I just go all rabbit in the headlights trying to put the simple message of ‘that’s life’ into helpful words. My brain is running on two tracks simultaneously: (1) that’s life, she needs to learn to cope! but also (2) I want her to feel heard and supported, because she has quite a lot on her plate and sometimes life mildly to moderately sucks.

So I end up contradicting myself and she gets all ‘you don’t understand 😭’

What would the wisest and most comforting person you know say about it, in the presence of a teary and upset tween? I want to say that!

Absolutely an opportunity for her to do that. I hate that kids can have images of them put on the Internet so easily though.

The other angle is that I’m anticipating it might feed back into an ongoing discussion at home about her wanting more social media access than we think she needs or should have at this age.

Tbh she’s always been pretty good about not pushing for more, but with this kind of incident I know she will be thinking (wrongly) that she’d be better placed to kind of ‘control the narrative’ around any photos of herself if she had a presence across all the same platforms as some of the others in her year.

sigh

What would the wisest and most comforting person you know say about it, in the presence of a teary and upset tween? I want to say that!

The wisest and most comforting teen-whisperer I know would listen. Then listen more, then empathise, then listen then affirm the feelings. She is a youth worker and doesn't have kids so she's endlessly patient. I think her advice would be "it's shit but we can't change it".

Listen to her. Share some of your cringe worthy teenage photos if you feel it will help her feel less alone and help her brazen it out as suggested above

Reassure her it's ok to be hurt but in the face of a bully, be non committal and go down the "oh wow I didn't know you cared!" Route

On the SM talk, the phrase I use in this house is "you want Fortnite/FaceBook/Snapchat/whatever but the Venn diagram of the kids you say are horrible people and those who have that is a circle". She seems to get that logic.

This is good, thank you. I know it might seem obvious but it helps!

Thanks @Sleepwouldbenicesometimes

Is it just unflattering stuff or inappropriate? I would double check this if you haven't seen the photos.

I don't flatter myself I'm a teen whisperer - that would be bloody great wouldn't it - but I would listen yes and sympathise. If they seemed open to it I would also tell them what I tell myself about fucking awful photos of me - that they capture a fraction of a second when you might not be paying attention and don't show the life, movement, and presence that is what you have in real life. You can lay this bit as thick as you think will fly (e.g not just 'movement' but 'graceful movement and 'shining presence') if you like. They snort of course but I think it does go in a bit sometimes.

And to add to what @Mardyface says, pause when you watch films of people she really likes. Sometimes you see a moment of sheer 'OMG what do they look like'? And I say, this is why everyone hates some photos of themselves!

Is she Year 8? Or a young year 9. Can you explain, without being outing exactly where she was, and what kind of photos were taken. Because sometimes I photo ok and other times not that great. But if I'm out with loads of mums, say at restaurant/pub/fireworks night, I wouldn't post a photo if anyone looked bad. But you can't actually control what photos others post. But you can mostly control if you are even in the photo. Talk to her. Hug her. Calm her down. Make her see perspective, one photo isn't that big a deal. But maybe she needs to consider more seriously her actual friendship with this girl and no true friend would actually do this to someone they really cared about. If this girl is mucked up, encourage her to gently let it go?

What other platforms do her peers have? And why won't you let her?

(Tbf I've only got older ds's and they've never had any SM problems on Instagram, snap chat,). Mostly just fun stuff with other boys, videos of premier goals or goalkeepers making catastrophe saves/misses.

All you can do is listen and sympathise.

We are ‘lucky’ in that my grandmother has done this for 13+ years, always posts the most unflattering pictures of everyone on FB and Instagram, she doesn’t realise or do it to be a dick but mine have got used to crap pics online since they were 4/5! so have always understood unfortunately this is life, you can’t control what others post on their socials.

The only thing we can think of to say to our teens regarding any embarrassment with photos and social media is to "own it".

Even if you don't feel it. You have to ride the wave

"Oh god I look dreadful"
" Yep me looking like I belong in the Adams family"
"At least we can say no filters"

That sort of thing.
You own it.
You don't get publicly embarrassed.
People lose interest and move on.

I'd need to know what sort of photos they are? If they're normal, smiling photos that she happens to just not like, then sure, she should try to put it out of mind. If they're intentionally humiliating/obviously unflattering photos, then it's not really acceptable.

Fwiw, me and my friends would always have taken down a photo if asked.

Even if not acceptable there is nothing the OP or her DD can do, even if they were deliberately awful pictures.

Doesn't change the fact it’s life

I will probably go against the grain here but my because my children are adults so things were different when they were growing up.

I would say that at 13 at the moment she is not emotionally resilient to cope with any negative aspect of social media and therefore I would stop her from using it and she can’t actually be involved with anything that’s gonna upset her.

If it constitutes bullying then I'd attempt to deal with it rather than tell my 13 year old to just get over it.

Difficult to judge without knowing what the photos are.

Don't tell her to own it. I'd empathize with her- it's crap. "I hate photos of myself on other peoples social media. There should be a law that you have to agree every single photo of yourself or it's immediately deleted off the face of the earth". drop in - "I know you can't do that", and "I know I'm being over the top" but wouldn't it be great if your face was just blurred until you green ticked or something.

Let her know she's not alone feeling like that and you have photos that you cringe at, or that bother you. Because it's not vain or being shallow, you're allowed to want to look pretty.

I'd also indirectly tell her she's gorgeous.

There’s also an actual phenomenon where we don’t like photos of ourselves, because the picture we have of ourselves is what we see in a mirror & photos are the other way round (I think it’s this, poorly explained) so a photo of ourself always looks weird to us.
I was 20+ before anyone took a nice photo of me, I always have my gob open! It’s shit, it’s a particularly shitty bit of being a teenager, but also normal & teenagers have been going through that since cameras were invented! (Hell, probably since portraits were invented!)