My temper is just simmering under the surface

[Newyearnewme1]

today has been terrible but over the last few months my temper is never far away from the surface. I’ve had a dreadful nights sleep. I have nearly 4 year old twins, both who have a stinking cold so are coughing allllll night long.

I’ll ask DH to give them some medicine and he’ll say yeah I’ll just finish the chapter of my book first - oh my god that makes me rage!!!! Just writing that makes me angry.

I’m so sick of asking DT’s to do things 10 times before they actually do it, and I always end up shouting which I hate. Even the dog is pissing me off today. Took him for a long walk this morning once I’d dropped the kids off at school, as soon as I stay still for 5 seconds he’s pawing at me. I love having a cuddle with him but I can’t do it all day friggin long.

I walk in to every room and it’s untidy, despite me tidying it up recently.

im just so tired and need a break

anyone else feel like this?

I used to feel like that before I learned to listen to my needs.

Have a break. Close yourself in your bedroom and have a nap

If the boys ask you for anything tell them to find daddy. If DH asks for anything tell him you’re busy and ask him not to disturb you. Trust that they’re all capable of figuring out how to survive.

you’re not alone
I'm on my own with three and they are all ill with night coughs and cranky as hell
trying to get ready for a demanding new job, sort a childminder, keep on top of the house and walk the dog etc etc
i was so exhausted today o paid a dog walker as the thought of getting them all out for some fresh air (they are off school as also had vomiting x3 last night) was beyond the realms of my frazzled brain.

The tiredness is about to overwhelm me too so I definitely hear you!

thank you it is comforting to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way.

@Whiskeypowers hope your little ones feel better soon, vomiting is the worst

I think more than ever the responsibility, not the big things, the lots of little things, like packed lunches, school clothes, applying for the right school etc seems to land solely with me. My parents have my DT's after nursery 2 days a week - I've just asked DH to do a simple task (I'm at work today) - marinating some chicken in paprika and straight away I get How much oil? How much paprika? I mean how does he want me to quantify that over the phone? Enough to cover but not to drown. Those are the kind of things that get me down in my day to day life, the small things that grind away at me.

This is how I feel when I forget to take Sertraline for a day or two.

Was also going to suggest sertraline. My GP prescribed me some last year after I started feeling pissed off and angry all the time over the kinds of things you're describing OP. It massively helped me just find a bit of calm and patience. I've ran out now and really notice I'm a lot quicker to snap. Hope you feel better soon, 4 year old twins are hard going. I've a 2 and 4 year old and it's bloody hard work

Can you afford a cleaner? I was at home all week alone with the young kids and hosted overseas students.

Cleaner changed my life.

thanks everyone, I did speak to the GP a little while ago when I was feeling low with anxiety. They did offer to prescribe something but I didn't want to commit to it at that time. Maybe I need to make another call as things definitely haven't got better.

I do actually have a cleaner, but she only comes for an hour every other week. She mainly does the bathrooms and has a quick once over all she can in the time left. Maybe I need to ask her to do a little more........

You sound normal OP, I could have written your post when my DCs were the same age.

Under anger is always grief. What night you be grieving? Your old life? I have no idea but it might be worth you spending some time thinking about.

Check all your levels. Might be worth an MOT blood test at the doctor. If your thyroid is out of whack you’ll be aggy all the time.

As PPs have said, let yourself rest. Schedule time after your dog walk. Allow yourself to sleep. Take a day off and let DP wrangle the DCs. Have regular time off.

theconversation.com/chemical-imbalance-theory-of-depression-clearing-up-some-misconceptions-188921
Focus on changing the situation not on numbing your anger. DH needs to get off his arse. Yes to more support if you can buy it in and take time to get out on your own and do things you enjoy

OP I feel exactly the same, but all I would say is try to find a way to resolve this now - or else you'll be me in 13 years (my DTs are now 17). I don't think its your issue really, its his (well, an issue for you to communicate about, see how you can resolve) so whilst pp mean well in suggesting medication, the solution would be to get your H to step up I think.

I did a 3 day week when the DTs were little, and so it wasn't as big a deal to do all the life admin - I was better at it. Fast forward to going back to FT quite a few years ago and I still do ALL the life admin - and I mean everything (we have 3DC - meal prep, shopping, cooking, finances, bills, everything to do with school, sports clubs, holidays, outings). Its now at the point (well, has been for a while) where its a real issue in our marriage - I feel like I have another child rather than a partner / husband. He says he'll do more, it lasts for a couple of weeks, something doesn't get done / done on time and I pick it up again.

Sounds normal tbh. Dts are older now and it does get so much easier but fuck me it nearly broke me. It's pretty much destroyed my marriage, h would have been the same as yours 'oh I'm just doing x, y, z and then I'll do it'.

Why do I have to fucking tell you to do it, use your bloody initiative and act on it. Yesterday he asked me if he should have a pot noodle before getting his hair cut. Even the kids turned around and said how do we know?

Fucks me off.

Anyway rant over but solidarity.

My example of this is just as I start to drive from our house one of the dc asks can I put on music from your phone, literally as I've started driving, could they not ask when I sit in or while I'm putting on my seatbelt, but oh no! they wait until we're in motion, gets me everytime I've to take a deep breath!

That made me laugh out loud , are we married to the same person 😆

Is actually awful though and gives me the ick

omg I'm kind of loving these - I'm sorry that it's also happening/happened to you too though.

My DH is sneezing quite a lot recently. He works from home 4 days out of 5. His office is a total shithole and every surface is covered in dust (I refuse to do it). I've told him that he needs to sort it and all I get back is "it's on my list of things to do" and whilst we're on the sneezing he makes such an ordeal of it, OMG I just sneezed 6 times in a row. So I ask him if he's wet himself? He says of course not in a disgusted tone. I don't want it to be a race to the bottom but honestly if I sneezed 6 times in a row I'd be heading back upstairs for a change of clothes.

When I was in my awful mood last night we just threw a pizza in the oven. He stands there with the packet in his hand and asks me how long does he put it in for? HE HAS THE PACKET IN HIS HANDS!!!!

He does do 70% of sorting the washing out and is fucking anal with the heated clothes rack and how the clothes go on it. I work 2 days a week and on those 2 days I can come back and find that the breakfast pots are still in the sink. That honestly tips me over the edge and we'll end up having a massive argument about it.

oh god I absolutely hate that! Just as I'm setting off one of my girls will shout I've dropped my bottle on the floor and then cry until I can manage to pull over to pick it up.

How can she change the situation with the children? She's feeling constantly irritated by her kids being kids. Life shouldn't be like that, it doesn't have to be like that. If you feel like you're going to blow your top over really quite minor stuff a 4 year old is doing, that's a sign of mental health problems and she'd be doing everyone a favour if she got some treatment.

This really frustrates me to read. I see so many posts on here like this. Did these men not leave home before living with their partners? Did all these hapless fuckers move straight from their parent's dining table to these relationships? No flat shares? Uni?
I honestly find it inconceivable this happens and OP (and the many other women on here) I really feel for you all.

I've been there in terms of juggling everything (kids, work) and had several long term relationships and marriages.
I can hand in heart say I will NEVER share with a man again. I had a brief fling recently and we went away together ( we are both early '50's) and he was like my giant baby . It ended.
When you have young kids I think you have to choose - your sanity or your crap partner.
I'm still furious with some of these men I'm reading about.

My example - I've meal planned, shopped (no input from anyone) - he knows this week I've just shopped to the list (no extras). Ask him to cook dinner as I'm workng late, its pasta how hard can it be Recipe in the book, marked up. Includes a "special" ingredient. Recipe is for 2 - says in big letters in the book "Serves 2". I have therefore bought 2 of the special ingredient (cooking for 4). 2 are in the fridge, side by side. Get home, there isn't enough to go around. He hadn't read the part of the recipe that says "Serves 2", so hadn't doubled the quantities. Seeing 2 of the "special" ingredient in the fridge didn't ring any alarm bells apparently, thought he was just following the recipe and I'd bought an extra one "just in case".

DH lived on his own for a good 20 years before we moved in together, but his standards were shockingly low.

I do love DH, he is good with our girls but on most things he needs step by step instructions. It’s exhausting, but fundamentally I do love him and have zero desire to do any of this on my own. I’m probably just storing up our problems for a later date 🤷‍♀️

actually I disagree. I dont think it is a sign of a mental health problem. it is a sign she is overwhelmed , and tired, and stressed. And she is feeling like this partly because she is taking on more than her fair share of parenting. And that is the situation that needs altering.
It makes me really sad, and a bit angry, to see how many women turn to antidperssants to deal with feeling like this and to stop them feeling angry, when actually they absolutely should be feeling angry. Anger is a genuine emotion and is there for a reason. Listen to it. Listen to your body and learn what you need.
(disclaimer - I am all in favour of antidepressants , or any medicaiton for mental health difficulties when actually needed - and believe it to be very helpful in the right circumstamces.)

It is called the mental load, it can kill relationships and it almost did mine. We had couples counselling this year and worked. Every now and then he regresses and I remind him that we were hanging by a thread and I'm not going back there.

I found that making certain things "his" to do made life much better. So his duties are: clean the family bathroom (I don't bloody use it so I was getting the RAGE cleaning it), load dishwasher, clean kitchen tops after dinner, sweep the downstairs floors, hoover upstairs, empty all bins, most of the clothes washing/hanging up/sorting. He takes the dog out for a poo and pee in the morning and before bed, I walk the dog or the dog walker does it when I am working away or in London. I do all the cooking, menu planning, shopping, other cleaning and all of the general organising, including booking holidays, sorting car stuff, sorting teen stuff, ferrying teens, generally being main teen handler. There's no point giving him things like holidays to sort as he's naturally mean and we'd end up in a shithole. Ditto the car. He's very slow at cleaning etc and it used to bother me that I was sitting on my arse while he
R E A L L Y S L O W L Y swept the floor with his head in the clouds but now I don't care. I'll have cleaned the ensuite and changed all the beds way before he's done sweeping and I'll bloody well sit on my arse.

I did find it needed an ultimatum to make him realise I had had it with being the fucking CEO, CFO, general manager, chef, travel agent and taxi driver of our life. And I did give up on things a bit. He wasn't noticing the numerous things that needed sorting around the house so I gave up noticing too. Now we have a meeting every other week to divvy up any jobs/admin that needs sorting and he KNOWS if he's been lax.

I spent years thinking he'd suddenly snap to it and realise everything that needed doing/that I was doing. He didn't and honestly I should have lost it many many years earlier. It would have saved me an him a lot of arguing and misery. We are much happier now

i made my husband take on some of the mental load.

@MeinKraft
why is another person’s shortcomings and lack of common sense a reason to seek treatment and in all likelihood medication ?

Sit down with your DH and actually divide up all the tasks so it's equal.
Not just doing them, but thinking about them.

For example, your DH could be the school person - he's the email contact for the school, organises uniform, packed lunches etc.
Or he could take food, as a whole job - planning, shopping, cooking, all of it.
Or if you do food, he could do clothes - not just the laundry but ensuring the kids have clothes that fit, getting rid of outgrown clothes, making sure they have winter coats and swimming costumes and so on.

I find it works best for each person to have their own areas that they take full responsibility for - rather than one person having full management responsibility for everything and then delegating tasks.

Actually, physically sit down together and look at all the hours of 'work' that you each do, paid/housework/childcare/dog care/admin, and how much leisure time you have and make it equal.
Give yourself some time off.

@diamondsandrose oh the ick has set in!