In my child regressing? Devastated!

[Rollercoaster12]

Hello, I'm just writing here as I'd like to hear other parent's experiences.

My DD (5) in Reception started school on a high. She taught herself to write and read simple words before starting school. I never pushed her with it and to be fair she wouldn't have let me teach her anything as she likes doing things on her own terms. Her nurseries (private and then state) gave me very positive reports about her and said she'll do amazing whereever she goes.

She started school and for a few weeks she seems to be doing well, started reading (blending) and reached (just about) level 2 books (Big Cat Phonics if that makes sense), still bleding and segmenting though. Now, for the last month or so the reading has become a real struggle. She absolutely hates it, she can't recognise a word even after reading it 10 times and she screams and melt downs at the thought of doing any reading practice.

All her friends who in the summer couldn't even write their names have caught up and some are better readers. She loves writing but that is only on her own terms, she only does it when she is in the mood. She can write simple sentences (I got a cat, I went to the park.....kind of thing)

At school she is very quiet (she is a very lively, confident girl otherwise), doesn't put her hand up and is 'away with the fairies' at lot. I volunteer with the school and can see it myself. The teacher is not concerned as she is very well behaved and quiet. But I feel she is 'disappearing' among all the school noise and shouty, confident children. I have had other 'red flags' in the last few months and I just don't know what is going on with her.

She's got a strong genetic link to dyslexia from her father's side and I have a strong suspicion this is causing her some distress. But then how can she write so well?

English is not my first language and the UK education system is completely alien to me. We are considering a private school and are lucky to be able to afford it (just about).

I should mention her behaviour has changed too, from a sweet, kind girl she's turned into this little monster who hits us and spits at us whenever she doesn't get her way. She only does it with us though. Every day is a struggle.

Can anyone relate? I'm so consumed by it and don't know what to do.

I am sorry you are going through this. A child spitting at their parents is very unusual. In your position, I would ask for an appointment with the teacher so you can sit down and raise your concerns. If anything unusual is going on, the teacher will be alert for it. Academically, it sounds like she is plateauing, not unusual, and not of any particular concern of itself, it is part of normal progress to hit multiple plateaus on the way. The spitting would be a huge concern though

Thank you for your advice. She tells me there is a boy in the class who spits and hits and I suspect this is where she got this from? She never did this before starting school.

What do you do when she spits at you? Yes she may be copying behaviour she has seen but once she has been disciplined for it effectively it shouldn't be continuing. She sounds exhausted to me.

Remove all pressure from her, leave reading books for a couple of weeks and do other things like giving her a simple shopping list to help you with. I’d start with simple things like an eye test and a hearing test first. I’d have a chat with the teacher too about your concerns.

I brought it up with her teacher who said she'll feedback my concerns to SENCO but never heard back from them. That was about 6 weeks ago.

Of course we discipline her but it doesn't seem to stop. I just don't know how to deal with it. She was a very easy going child before so we are a bit at a loss.

How stressful could it be PANDAS?

She tells me there is a boy in the class who spits and hits and I suspect this is where she got this from? She never did this before starting school.

Just because she's seen other children do it, copying a bad behaviour is a bit worrying. She tells you because she knows it's wrong, right?

I don't think she's regressing just because she's finding the work harder now, but

I would speak to the teacher about your worry, and try to find the way to help her.

I am not a teacher and have limited experience with young children, so feel free to ignore this - but I am dyslexic and could read before school.

I was told at my dyslexia screening that I’d never have learnt to read using phonics as I just can’t do the blending even now. My brain just doesn’t work like that (& I am lucky that I was at school before compulsory phonics screening was a thing, so as I could read the school just left me to it, really)

Could something like this be upsetting her?

Could it be that she's finding it hard to admit others are catching up with her? And maybe she feels threatened that she's no longer the special student who could do everything before others could. She is frustrated but can only show this by spitting on you. You are her safe place to do this.

Have you had a chat with her teacher? I would email her with your concerns and perhaps make an appointment to have a face to face chat.

With 30 other kids in the classroom it can sometimes take time to notice things in a child.

Sorry just saw your reply about contacting your teacher. I would mention it at pick up time if you have access to the teacher then. Otherwise write in again.

Thank you for your feedback. It could well be that! She used to be the clever one now there are a few kids who can actually read fluently. I just don't know...it's something that we bever thought we would deal with.

Thank you for your reply. She does get phonics, phonics helped her learn to read and write but I can't understand why she is not progressing, in fact she is regressing.

I will check her eyes but I don't think she has an eye sight problem. Might be some eye convergence issues?

Could she just be tired? How much sleep is she getting? The excitement of Christmas may have kept her going at the end of last term, but school days can be long ones especially if there are breakfast clubs/after school activities to factor in as well.

I think she may well just be tired. It’s not long since Christmas, it’s cold, the novelty of starting school will have worn off.

Your anxiety may be feeding this. Relax. You know she has potential. I always knew my eldest was very clever. He was down as behind for reading, writing and maths till year 3. Now year 8 he’s to set everything and usually in the top 3. It’s not a race.
My middle child couldn’t write his name in year 1.

‘She absolutely hates it, she can't recognise a word even after reading it 10 times and she screams and melt downs at the thought of doing any reading practice.’
Stop reading school books. I would aim to get get enjoy being read to. Try ‘Mummy Fairy and me’ they are shift chapter books but really good funny stories for a child this age. Then I would also try some picture books and she can see her words as you read and follow along.

Writing
Any fine motor practise will help. Again stop worrying. Maybe buy some of the larger sized Hama beads and a few craft kits. Have some fun. You can then relax that you are ‘helping’.

Being quiet- this can be a strength as you can watch and learn. Sometimes children can look as though they aren’t listening but are actually taking things in. If she is struggling with her auditory attention then listening to stories every night will help. Discuss the story as you go.

I would get her eyes checked- specsavers do kids eye tests. Ask you GP to refer for a heating test- this may be a year wait so get on the list.

Spitting etc
Make sure you are modelling calm behaviour when she does this. If she’s feeling out of control you need to be in control of your own emotions.
I would ask if she wants a cuddle to sit on your knee as she may searching for a way to connect. Then try distraction.
Otherwise just ignore- don’t feed it.
Again you can choose to see this as awful behaviour. It’s not that untypical and actually my third child did do this thinking about it. It’s making me smile now as it’s such a vile thing to do. I think she was 4 ish. Her siblings would always exclaim and give her loads of attention and his fed it. I had to have a stern word with them to totally ignore- then it stopped very quickly.

Sending hugs and thoughts your way

My first thoughts are ADHD. Inability to process, meltdowns, escalating bad behaviour at home (she’s masking at school) and daydreaming is all classic signs. Including teachers completely missing it. ADHD presents differently in girls and it ALWAYS goes under the radar. Another tell for me is that she’s just changed schools. My ADHD was completely missed in primary school. Went to a very good, small classroom state. It was the switch to secondary school that brought out the behaviours that you are seeing in your DD now. I think I’m a bit autistic and have strong dyslexia genes… but ADHD is the only diagnosis I have.

if you can afford it go private for an assessment. I am in the process of trying to get medicated for my ADHD and my doctors have insisted on referring me again. Just got a letter to say I’ve been added to the three year waiting list 🙄

i was a reception class teacher for a long time and what you’re saying is really normal IME. School is a huge shift for children, and they are exhausted with having to keep going every day! It’s really normal to see a change at home and less interest in reading/writing etc especially if it’s the oldest/only child. Usually begins to calm down around Easter/end of summer term.

Your poor little girl sounds like she's having an extremely tough time. Sometimes children learn coping mechanisms when they're not emotionally developed enough to handle some big changes. This coping mechanism could be shutting down and being quiet. They then act out in their safe place (your home or at you) because they're possibly trying to regulate their nervous system.
Something big has happened and your daughter is not ready for this. It might not be school that's creating the issue. It could be something outside of school (bullying, family separation etc) that she's not handling.
Either way it could be better to de register her from school and wait until she's 6 or 7 years old before returning. Until then, try some forest school stay and plays and after school clubs.

I don't think it's 'regressing' - though I'm not sure what you mean; if it's terms of could it be losing some capabilities as occasionally happens with more severe forms of autism, that happens much earlier, more like 24 months IIRC, so it won't be that.

It could be some undiagnosed neurodiversity, or it could just be adapting to school is tough and tiring and she'll get past it. I think do raise concerns with teacher and see what they think. I hope she can settle soon.

My DD was similar
She liked learning and doing things herself and started school very advanced. Then she struggled but it turned out she hated doing things when she was told she had to do them and got very frustrated and refused to do them.
She was later diagnosed with autism but the teacher told me that behaving like that is quite common when independent kids start school - they don’t all have learning difficulties just don’t like the structure. It becomes a chore.
You can’t do much about the school structure but we found it helped loads letting her control her evening time wise. (Within reason obviously!)
She got to decide when she did her reading and writing practice - eg straight after school, after dinner etc - and also finished the day reading a book together which reminded her that she loved stories
she felt in control again

She’s exhausted and overwhelmed. I think she needs lots of cosy low-stimulation time at home until she’s a bit more settled.

we had similar behaviour when dc started school (including a couple of episodes of spitting) but he was behaving immaculately in class and then exhausted and aggy at home. He did settle.

Just a few thoughts on the off chance the problem is dyslexia-related.

One characteristic of dyslexics is that they have broader perceptual modes. This means that they are more aware of what's going on around them, actually better at attending to sensory information that's coming in from everywhere in their environment than non-dyslexics. This can be exhausting in a noisy classroom. Non-dyslexics can filter and focus narrowly on the task at hand. Dyslexics tend to get more frazzled and overwhelmed because they are aware of everything. One defence mechanism is just tuning out completely. (Being away with the fairies.)

This might be one explanation for the classroom being a stressful environment for DD.

From your description, it sounds like she has become rather phobic about reading and it would be better just to read to her for fun at the moment so she can develop good feelings about books and the process of reading.

Re the dyslexia - I am horribly dyslexic and I have no trouble reading, writing and spelling aside form sensitivities to the colour of paper. I could read and write before I went to school too like your DD. I read the whole school library at all my schools (literally). It wasn't picked up until I was almost 30 and I had issues at work, but looking back I did have issues but not to do with reading/writing -dyslexia is so much more than that. It affects me mostly in the way I need my environment to be, I'm sensitive to light, sound, number of people around, can't organise myself. I used to act out in the way you describe but was generally well behaved. These days I don't really read books anymore because I'm generally too overwhelmed to once I've finished my working day (I listen to lots of audiobooks instead!)

School will never spend their resources on getting her assessed tho because she isn't struggling with the obvious dyslexia things so you'd have to look into it yourself I'd think.

I would:

-stop all reading/ writing at home (apart from you reading to her) and just relax. Talk to her about stories, why did that character do that? What do you think will happen next? But just fun and no pressure.

-Early bedtime. How well does does she sleep generally?

• Sight and hearing tests, just to eliminate things.

Re-evaluate things in the summer term and see if the school are concerned about her development/ progress.