What do you enjoy in motherhood?

[Livemenot]

Before I had a child, a lot of people around me were saying having children is a lot of joy. Now, once I have one, I don’t enjoy it at all. I love my child and do everything for him but I can’t see any positives to myself (only tiredness, constant lack of sleep, worsened health and looks, less quality time with husband and friends, etc).

Am I missing something? My son is 2 years and 9 months now. Maybe I will enjoy it when he grows up?

Honestly I found most of the toddler years extremely difficult but I was in an abusive relationship that broke up when she was 3 so those years were difficult. She’s 7 now and she is so full of character, it’s amazing to see her always learning new things and being able to do things together.

it sounds like you’re burned out and that’s why you’re not enjoying it as much? do you have some support systems to give you an occasional night off to go enjoy yourself?

It was hard work at times and extremely tiring but yes, I enjoyed it.

What is your set up - do you have company/friends, is your DP sharing the work, are you ok for money, do you like where you live, does your child have any specifics behaviours that make it harder? All these things contribute to enjoyability. Every family is a bit different although we share common challenges.

At times I hated the baby and toddler years, but there were also very happy times.

Sleep deprivation and toddler strops were wearing. I found it much easier the second time around as I knew what to expect and my life had already changed.

Whilst they can still drive me mad at times, on the whole I love hanging out with my DC. They're 9 and 7 now. They're funny, loving and enjoy my company too. It's a cliché but the years are going by so quickly, I'm trying to make the most of them whilst they still need me and want to hang out with me.

Hang on in there it will get easier (until the teenage years)

It’s like any relationship, sometimes it’s pure graft but would you really want to be without it?

Bedtime.

I am being slightly facetious but two year olds (even easy ones) are very hard work, especially in winter. Hang in there.

I have always loved my children dearly, but I found the baby and toddler years beyond tough.

It’s only now that they are older (key stage 2) that I truly ‘enjoy’ motherhood. They’re little people now with individual personalities, but quite independent in looking after themselves. I’m still in bed, they’re getting their breakfast downstairs. Later we will go out, and they will get themselves ready, put themselves in the car, and largely behave well. I will be well rested, and the house is not covered in baby paraphernalia. It’s fun now.

For YEARS though it wasn’t fun. I feel awful saying that but it wasn’t.

It does get easier 💐💐💐

Only really enjoyed mine once they got to about 6.

Have you never experienced any joy the whole time?

Do you work? Are you depressed? It's a long period of time to be deprived of any joy for yourself.

Oh both mine can put themselves in the car and do their seatbelts now. Isn’t it an amazing time when they start doing that! I don’t know why it’s improved my life so much it just really has!!

My dc are 12/14 now...last night I was exhausted so I got into bed to watch TV...they sat on the bed and we chatted for ages and had a good laugh. My dd loves baking and shopping which I love to so we enjoy doing those things together. We also like watching comedy shows, she loves friends and motherland so we watch them together.

When I go to DDs cot in the morning and she laughs and bounces because she’s so excited to see me and excited for the day.

When I see DD do something new that I didn’t think she’d manage.

When DD is crying and I say “want a cuddle?” and she toddles over and cuddles me til she feels better.

When she gently pats my shoulder or strokes my face as we cuddle.

When I watch her with DH and they’re having fun together.

When DD laughs at something silly.

When she “asks” for something and you get it for her and she has a huge smile.

How cute she is when she does her “toddle run”.

How careful she is when you give her a special task to do for mummy and daddy, like carrying a mug to the dishwasher.

Seeing the world through her eyes and how amazing everything is for her.

Lots of other things. BUT she usually sleeps through, we get evenings to ourselves, DH takes her one morning at the weekend so I get a lie in, I work 4 days a week and get adult time, DH will also watch her so I can see friends or we meet up with friends with kids, we are ok money wise and go out a lot and we have a lot of grandparent support. I also am pretty sure I’m one and done.

I’m not a fan of the baby and toddler years personally, felt like it was pure survival! I did enjoy how cute and sweet they can be but that’s about it. My dc are in primary school and they are an absolute joy. I think for me, once they were toilet trained and had grown out of tantrums I started to love parenting, so maybe about 3 and a half or 4? It’s so easy now. I’m sure the teen years will be difficult again but this stage now is definitely amazing.
If we want to go somewhere they just get in the car and do their own belts up, I don’t need to do their coats and shoes or anything. Life feels more free now. You’ll get to that stage, the age 1-3 can be a real slog.

Once they reach 5 - loads of stuff.

before that, not much. Watching them sleep maybe !

Mine is 4. She absolutely fills me with joy. Sometimes it's tough, yes. But my chest physically feels full of pride and joy when i look at her, when she's chittering away, when she's learned something new. And her enthusiasm and her own joy is infectious. So excited at a pink sunrise or a big moon, or lots of stars, flowers, dogs, you name it. All these things make me feel happy now too.

I think motherhood sets us up to cope with all the stages...

Newborn - so difficult with sleep deprivation and feeding but absolutely precious

Baby/toddler - gruelling and labour intensive but absolutely adorable

Primary school - gorgeous wee creatures who can mostly fend for themselves which softens the blow of the cute baby stage being over

Secondary school - can do most things for themselves and parents start to get their lives back which softens the blow of them not really needing you much (physically - I'm told the emotional toll of teenagers is huge!!)

Good and bad in all stages and I think it's only when each stage is over that you truly appreciate it for what it was!

I think what I enjoy most is seeing them learn new things, and turning into their own little character. My little boy is 13 months and has brought me the most joy I've ever experienced x

I think it is easier for me to enjoy it as I have a really hands on partner and a lot of family support on both sides so I get time off. My partner takes baby every Saturday for the whole day for example (unless he has to work) and my parents and in laws take him for afternoons and mornings in the week. He also sleeps through most nights and naps in his cot (took some work). Without this I would find it a lot harder and less enjoyable.

At the moment I enjoy: how happy he gets when he does something right, especially when he claps for himself. How pleased he is to see me in the morning. When he crawls over to me and clambers all over me not really sure what he wants to do but just wanting to be on mummy. When he eats all the different food I give him without throwing it. His little robot legs when he walks with his walker and then looks really proud lol. I'm teaching him 'ta' and he handed me something the other day and I took it absent-mindedly and he said 'ta' reproachfully lol. His babbling. Watching him mimic stuff I haven't specifically taught him like using his toy spoon to stir his toy saucepan and then 'taste' it. His concentration when doing a task. Just small things. It also helps a lot of my friends are having babies at this age so our lives are shifting together.

There's a lot I miss about my life before, and I feel you on a lot of things you've mentioned, but it helps I don't have much time to dwell, especially as if left too long I have always been prone to dwelling and overthinking and melancholy. Just from reading forums and speaking to people I think for a lot of parents there are ages they like and ages they don't, so I would be wary of getting yourself stuck in a default assumption that you don't enjoy parenting. I am personally dreading the irrational, tantrummy toddler years, I know from watching friends do it I will not thrive lol.

I love 2-4 year olds! They are so funny and say and do such unexpected things.

But I would hate to be a SAHM, I really enjoy being with them at the weekend and my one day off during the week. When you say you do everything, do you not get any break from your child? That's wearing for most people I think

In the baby and toddler years there are small snippets of "enjoyment" snuggled watching a disney classic with a picky lunch, or a little walk puddle jumping and then fun giving them a bath with toys and giggles.
But the main haul is exhausting and scary when they are poorly and so hard. You have to be able to have days/nights off (if you can) recruit anyone you trust or who is willing.
If you have a partner you take it in turns at the weekend to get up so one has a lie in. You need time to rest and recharge. It's the longest physical marathon.
Enjoyment leveles vary with age as most have said. You take the small pieces first and then as they get easier more fun comes of being with them, hanging out, cinema, shopping, cooking.
Then the teenage years and that snatched cuddle or hysterics at a series you watch together. I am off with mine to London soon to see her favorite show, and my younger teen is into cooking new things and I sit and watch and chat.

@ilovebagpuss totally agree, the toddler and pre school years are a slog with lots of little snippets of joy and laughter. When they get a bit older you can watch TV together and read together and things like that and they don't need carried around, are fairly safe to walk along the footpath and so on you can lower your vigilance a bit and get a physical rest.

If you're not finding any moments of joy OP maybe you're a bit depressed? Speak to your GP. There should be good bits too. And the shitty bits don't feel just as bad if your mental health is good. I can laugh at my toddlers tantrums now.

I hear you OP. I have a preteen and she's awesome. My younger son is also when he's not catastrophizing. My 3 year old is going through a difficult phase.
We have full on physical meltdowns involving screaming, repeated running at things and bouncing off (for example a closed door), going red faced, running off in any direction (who the gives a fuck if it's a road or pond). He's like the other two but on speed. He is that child that tries to open the car door in transit and never in my life have I had to hide keys, check child locks so much. He will do such silly, dare devil stunts, like balance a box on a box, on a box and stand on one foot at the top.
We have rare moments when I visit my mum and he's sitting playing with my step dad quietly, which is a welcome break. DS3 is also going through a flasher phase (possibly for attention and does it at home only). He also wants to insert rude body parts (god knows where he heard them) into nursery rhymes because he can I suppose. I didn't have this with the older two but I am ignoring the bad behaviour and praising the positives. The 3 year old age is very hard. He's a great kid but I worry what he will be like on nights out as an 18 year old 😂

In general I found motherhood, as something I hoped would happen, peaceful when it came. Not as in not hard work, god no, actual work was easier, but we had primed ourselves mentally that for at least the first 5 years of each of they would have to come first. Before friends, hobbies, travel etc. So I found my fun elsewhere. As long as they were fed and clean we then played, read, watched cartoons.

We went to bed earlier because our hours shifted (you are not missing much after 10.30pm on a weeknight) our date nights were watching Pixar movies on the sofa.

We did sober grown up days out to NT properties or forests with playparks.

We had two about two years apart. As we both wanted. They are close now and love each other more than they love anyone else in the world, as it should be hopefully they will be there for each other for their lifetimes.

Yes, it was boring at times, frustrating, monotonous, tiresome, worrying, felt like you were failing. Our eldest had severe eczema and allergies.

But it was what we had chosen to do and where we were. The only children either of us were ever going to have were here. So we accepted that our lives before were over and tried, and succeeded to find joy and fun in new ways.

Like I said there was a contentment there, the will I meet someone, be able to get pregnant, carry full term, survive birth worries were over. Just keeping two small humans who seemed intent on killing themselves worries now!

If we were playing trainset we were going to build, with what was available, the best train track we could. If we drew I was going to use that time to get better at drawing myself. If we were going to have a teddy tea party we were going to go out all pomp and ceremony. It was a perfect excuse to get back to play and development for me as well. I was the adult of course but on a cold, grey January day, after a round in the garden, you can forget the world, going out shopping, meeting up, dating, and get the teddy tea set out.

We have teenagers now. No more teddy tea sets. And we miss those days sometimes.

And just to add in terms of worsened looks, you know you are the most beautiful person in the world to your son and hopefully DH right now.

And you can use your child to get healthier yourself. Have a bit of fruit as a snack, run, jump in the park. Eat better, go to bed earlier.

Failing that there is always coffee.

This is so lovely to read. Well done for getting the balance and I think you make an important point about how your set up helps you enjoy.

I remember when my youngest was a baby and everyone told me to enjoy it, I was like ‘how the fuck can I do that’ through gritted teeth because I was up multiple times per night for 3 years. That’s the dominating memory. However when I go back and look at videos, there I am delighting at her, laughing, being silly etc.

I think when you’re burnt out, like PP said, it’s hard to enjoy anything in life. Time to take stock and look at how can you get breaks, how can you simplify life to give yourself the space to enjoy. Sometimes with my kids now 4 and 7 I need to mentally decide to just stop, watch them, see their individual world view and experience, appreciate them and really stop and listen to the chatter. When I do that I find it really reduces tricky behaviour - definitely don’t do it enough though when I’m caught up in the whirl. And they do chat A LOT