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Original poster

Do I leave?

34 replies

Chumbibi · 21/01/2023 06:49

DH trying to settle screaming DS last night. Trying to night wean him and we are both on board with this.

DS wasn’t settling and DH wasn’t getting annoyed. Stating being snappy at me. Started raising his voice and we have 2 year old DD asleep next door. I told him to shush, and said shhhh shhhh stop it. His response is ‘shut you you fing dhead. In the past he has called me everything under the sun in heated arguments and when drunk. He grew up with an abusive father and expects all theee things to be forgiven and forgotten.

I absolutely lost it and grabbed and asked him what the hell did he call me?! He then proceeded to put me in a headlock and roll me round to the floor.

We are toxic and can’t stay together can we?

OP posts:
Cofis · 21/01/2023 06:54

No.

ForeverMessy456 · 21/01/2023 06:58

You are both probably stressed with a baby and lack of sleep makes us do and say things in the heat of the moment.

Make it clear tomorrow or when you've both rested that it was unacceptable and you don't expect to be spoke to like that.

I've been there when my son wasn't sleeping (we both have shouted and said stuff) it's hard.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/01/2023 07:01

ForeverMessy456 · 21/01/2023 06:58

You are both probably stressed with a baby and lack of sleep makes us do and say things in the heat of the moment.

Make it clear tomorrow or when you've both rested that it was unacceptable and you don't expect to be spoke to like that.

I've been there when my son wasn't sleeping (we both have shouted and said stuff) it's hard.

He assaulted her.

That's not just saying something.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
MargaritMargo · 21/01/2023 07:02

No OP absolutely not.

I was about to say that most relationships become a little bit fraught when there are very young children involved, especially babies and everyone is sleep deprived. I know me and my partner snapped at each other out of frustration and tiredness quite often. Occasionally we were quite mean to each other, I’m ashamed to say now when I look back at the very early, hard newborn / baby days.

However then I got to the end of your post and absolutely not. This is not OK.

Toxic sounds a bit of an understatement to be honest. This is not a good or safe environment for you or your children. Have you got somewhere to go or any one who can support you in asking him to leave?

the next step is going to be physical violence, he’s already teetering on it by restraining and overpowering you.

Witsendwilly · 21/01/2023 07:02

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/01/2023 07:01

He assaulted her.

That's not just saying something.

Show quote history

Didn’t she assault him first? Or am I misreading it?

Spudina · 21/01/2023 07:02

He’s abusive. I could ignore last nights comments as having a baby and a two year old is massively stressful. But him grabbing you, and his history of swearing at you is not ok.

MrsHarrisgoestoTimbuctoo · 21/01/2023 07:05

Make plans to leave OP - speak to Womens' Aid - this won't improve.

OnlyOpenMouthToChangeFeet · 21/01/2023 07:06

This isn't safe for you or your children. You should be calling the police to have him removed from the home. If you tell him you're leaving, goodness knows what his reaction would be!

Original poster
Chumbibi · 21/01/2023 07:09

Yes @Witsendwilly I did and I’m ashamed of it. So arguably what he did was in retaliation to me.

OP posts:
MrsHarrisgoestoTimbuctoo · 21/01/2023 07:13

OP Yes @Witsendwilly I did and I’m ashamed of it. So arguably what he did was in retaliation to me.

That's no excuse.

Please get help/advice

Witsendwilly · 21/01/2023 07:14

Chumbibi · 21/01/2023 07:09

Yes @Witsendwilly I did and I’m ashamed of it. So arguably what he did was in retaliation to me.

So I would say you both need to work together to make sure this doesn’t happen again.

I would also say that all the posters whose immediate reaction to anything is to suggest someone break up a family, leave and contact women’s aid, might want to read posts a bit more carefully.

Good luck OP. Bringing up kids is hard work and puts a strain on most relationships

KangarooKenny · 21/01/2023 07:42

It was a toxic situation. You need to separate.

NerrSnerr · 21/01/2023 07:47

A headlock is really serious, you only need to look at the stats of women that are killed by men. Take a look at @countdeadwomen on Twitter.

Next time you could be seriously injured or your two year old could witness.

I understand the OP was also physics but from the OP it appears she was in a lot more danger than him.

You need to make the decision to go now as it will be minimised in your head over time.

Witsendwilly · 21/01/2023 07:51

Man physically assaults woman because she called him a “fu*ng dickhead” when sip stressed with child

Woman retaliates physically.

Mumsnet advises man to leave woman.

I can’t see it happening, but if you switch the sexes that is what the majority on this thread are suggesting. Absolutely insane

NerrSnerr · 21/01/2023 07:56

I think she should leave as there is violence between both of them. It's a fact that the person being grabbed is less likely to be seriously injured than the one in the headlock.

I grew up in a family where both parents used to assault each other. It was awful. They still think to this day they hid it and we didn't see, hear or know but of course we did because children are not stupid.

It is likely to escalate and I think if a relationship has got to the stage of physical assault it's gone past the point of no return.

Original poster
Chumbibi · 21/01/2023 08:01

We are both in the wrong. Clearly not good together.

I want to ask him to leave, to give me space if nothing else. But he will refuse. Say it’s his house, his kids and he is not going. What can I do?

I don’t think it fair to up the kids out of their home, toys, beds and it’s better for them if he goes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chumbibi · 21/01/2023 08:02

@NerrSnerr im so sorry. I don’t want my kids to see this. As you say they’re not stupid. He just keeps saying it’s better that we stay together for their sakes but clearly it isn’t.

OP posts:
barmycatmum · 21/01/2023 08:04

Witsendwilly · 21/01/2023 07:02

Didn’t she assault him first? Or am I misreading it?

Show quote history

Are you fucking joking, or trolling?
no it is not acceptable to put her in a headlock and roll around the floor dragging her. No.

barmycatmum · 21/01/2023 08:07

Witsendwilly · 21/01/2023 07:51

Man physically assaults woman because she called him a “fu*ng dickhead” when sip stressed with child

Woman retaliates physically.

Mumsnet advises man to leave woman.

I can’t see it happening, but if you switch the sexes that is what the majority on this thread are suggesting. Absolutely insane

Actually, no. He called her that. Read more carefully. And stop victim blaming. You are treading on dangerous ground, making out it’s an abused woman’s fault.
a MAN who is bigger and stronger should NEVER treat a woman like this. Never.

Witsendwilly · 21/01/2023 08:08

barmycatmum · 21/01/2023 08:07

Actually, no. He called her that. Read more carefully. And stop victim blaming. You are treading on dangerous ground, making out it’s an abused woman’s fault.
a MAN who is bigger and stronger should NEVER treat a woman like this. Never.

Show quote history

Read my post again. You have completely mis comprehended it

PeachDelany · 21/01/2023 08:13

Fuck! You need to leave TODAY!!!!

TaRaDeBumDeAy · 21/01/2023 08:36

Both are as bad as each other. In fact op is worse because she became physical first.

You need to separate. There's no coming back from fighting each other.

ForeverMessy456 · 21/01/2023 09:38

@MrsTerryPratchett sorry I mis-read it didn't read far enough!

I think OP said an arm was grabbed that was all after shouting.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 21/01/2023 14:15

Angry words are common when in a stressful and sleep deprived situation
Violence is totally unacceptable and your DC will absorb this toxicity
It is not better to stay together for the sake of your DC... it is the worst thing to do

CalistoNoSolo · 21/01/2023 14:48

So you assaulted him and he retaliated. I feel very sorry for your children. Your partner is violent and unstable and it sounds like you are too. You need to leave and sort your anger management. Are you going to wallop your children when they start to answer you back?