Do I leave?

[Chumbibi]

DH trying to settle screaming DS last night. Trying to night wean him and we are both on board with this.

DS wasn’t settling and DH wasn’t getting annoyed. Stating being snappy at me. Started raising his voice and we have 2 year old DD asleep next door. I told him to shush, and said shhhh shhhh stop it. His response is ‘shut you you fing dhead. In the past he has called me everything under the sun in heated arguments and when drunk. He grew up with an abusive father and expects all theee things to be forgiven and forgotten.

I absolutely lost it and grabbed and asked him what the hell did he call me?! He then proceeded to put me in a headlock and roll me round to the floor.

We are toxic and can’t stay together can we?

You can't 'switch sexes' with violence. DV is a fatal disease for women. It kills them. And an arm around a neck is a really easy way to achieve that. Her grabbing him doesn't compare. It's toxic, it's unacceptable, but it isn't likely to kill him.

A man who restricts a women's neck is likely to kill her.

Anyone who tells a women to stay and work on a relationship with a man who has signalled he could kill her is irresponsible.

Wow.

That is truly unbelievable.

Where is the cutoff where it is ok for a woman to be vile t towards a man (unprovoked) vs a man retaliating?

Do you know the strength and body weight of the people conceded to be able to pass comment so confidently? There are plenty of relationships these days where the woman is significantly bigger than the man - not that size matters.

I said it was toxic and unacceptable. And it is. Did you not read that part?

i think you would be better off without him. You already knew how unpleasant he could be before the stress of a baby and now he’s showing you this behaviour again. If you don’t feel you can make the split straight away, start planning and get advice from everywhere you can including Womens Aid.

You definitely need to separate. You're definitely in the wrong for going for him first.

I'm probably going to get shit for saying this but if a woman is big and ugly enough to hit a man she's big and ugly enough to take it in return.

OP this relationship is toxic. Apart from the incident last night he regularly verbally abuses you. Ignore anyone saying that's normal when you have young children as they're stressful - not in my circles it isn't. We may have snapped at each other when ours were small, but regular foul mouthed tirades show a complete lack of respect.

It's not great that you grabbed him but his response was so far over the top, and potentially dangerous, you seriously need to get away from him before someone gets seriously hurt. Your children are the main victims here - you have a choice, they don't. They depend on you to make the right decisions for them.

It was the headlock bit.
I know having a young child not sleeping is insanely hard and I'm not proud of how either DH or I behaved towards each other at times. The headlock though made me shudder. My DH once shoved me at the top of the stairs when drunk (I'm really strong and held onto gate, so didn't budge) but at the time we were stressed and the children were asleep. It wasn't right but it was once and I've shouted in his face, which wasn't nice. We are hard working people who don't smack our kids and we frown on domestic violence. We are calm but that night something snapped (death of parent) and he drank (uncharacteristically way too much).

Both of us don't drink anymore, if we did we wouldn't be married. Nothing like that ever happened again, if it had, I would have been leaving. Stress does awful things to some people.

So he shouts vile abuse at her and she grabs him. He puts her in a headlock and rolls her round the floor. He is almost certainly bigger and stronger. And some people are saying she mistreated the husband. Do people know how dangerous a headlock really is? He could have killed her. The fact of the matter is that good husbands do not shriek "shut you you fing dhead" and put their wives in a headlock before rolling them round the floor. Why did you think he got her in a headlock - he really meant to frighten her or he has so little self control that he just snapped? Neither are attractive propositions. I bet he doesn't do this with men who annoy him though - you know men who might be the same size or bigger than him who might really hurt him.

For your own safety and that of your children I would be ending this - do you want your children when they are older seeing and hearing that kind of behaviour? I think he thinks that it will be forgiven and forgotten tomorrow but I think he has gone beyond the forgivable. Can you imagine what he will be like with a teenage son? My father grew up in an abusive relationship with his father as his mother died when he was a young child. He would never have said those things to my mother or put her in a headlock and rolled her round the floor.